Emotional abuse. What are the signs?

[Wittsend13]

I just can't get my head sorted even after a year. I knew the relationship wasn't "normal" I knew I should have walked. Why did I let it go so far when the WHOLE time I knew he was shit.

Can I ask what exactly is emotional abuse and what the typical signs are?

I came across two emails I had typed up saved in my drafts and I'd like to post them so see if anyone can clarify if I was always the one to blame and if I was a paranoid, jealous insecure gf he ALWAYS made me out to be.

Have you been on any of the EA support threads? It's up to number 6 right now. It might help you to get clarity on a few things.

I'm going to read through all of them this weekend, Fumble.

Love, pop over to the EA threads, read the book and most of all get yourself enrolled on the Freedom Programme. It'd be FANTASTIC for you, and it's FREE!

Thanks Hissy I will check it out x

OP, you say you can't get your head sorted even after a year. I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in this, there is nothing wrong with you

I am almost two years down the line from leaving my abusive relationship and I can honestly say I am only just beginning to feel 'normal'. After leaving I really did want it all sorted, my head sorted, I wanted to be free of him and the after effects of the abuse but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. It's a work in progress for quite a while.

I tell you what though, it feels great to finally realise and accept that he was the one with the problem, that he was the one in the wrong, that I did nothing to deserve it. So you hang on in there, keep moving forward and soon the day will come that he no longer takes up any space in your head

My X left in Feb. I've read the Lundy book, I joined a DV support group.
All the while, boring everyone rigid posting on MN, on a FB thingy too.

I also attended the FP from September this year. I thought I'd got over much of it, but turns out I'd not.

The FP really helped me ask questions and challenge things I thought were normal for so long, only to realise when someone has just dropped their jaw cos I'd said something, that perhaps it wasn't normal afterall.

I'm STILL pulling things apart, and still reeling from the shock of other things, lesser things I really didn't question at the time. Now I have a therapist. Even with all that RL professional and MN support, there are things I am still not getting, I know.

Come chat on the EA thread, we're all at different stages, and we all remember what it was like, trust us, trust yourself and it'll get better really quickly.

Well done for getting out. You have been very brave.

I refer to the last year as Phase 1: Getting out and staying out. Now I'm in Phase 2: Rebuilding Life.

I left mine in February too Hissy only I'm a year ahead of you. I promise you, this time next year you will feel like a new woman!

Well done to you too for taking such positive action to move yourself forward.

If I didn't know these wankers follow set patterns, Wittsend, I'd think you were with my XH2!

I've been divorced for 9 years but am still suffering repercussions. Learning how psychological abuse works is very helpful. So is thinking about who you were BEFORE you even knew he existed. I read on someone else's thread, the other day, "None of my other partners complained about this, so perhaps he's wrong about me."

I shouldn't have needed that prompt but, after all this time, I did. Previous partners may have had gripes about me, but none accused me of being paranoiacally insecure and jealous ... there was no reason to his accusations (though he succeeded in making me paranoid & jealous!) He did it because he knew I was careful to avoid possessive behaviour and, for him, that was a weakness for him to exploit.

You're getting some good replies here. ignore the ones telling you you're getting some sort of 'payback' from the behaviours. I had therapists telling me that. They were wrong. Abusive relationships don't follow the "laws" of relationships, more the rules of torture and hostage-taking.

Thanks for that Timeforme... I see the progress I have made in only the last couple of months and even I can see it's HUGE.

3m ago I couldn't even look a bloke in the face, let alone talk to one. Now I've instructed a male therapist (on purpose) and have started internet dating (early days, 2x dates, one 2nd date being pencilled in..)

I almost dread to think where I will be in a years time... I'm feeling like a new MAN already... fnar!

I joined a dating site but I think I am finding excuses not to date which leads me to believe I'm not quite ready yet.

Sorry to butt in.....Your spirit is inspirationalHissy
Your last comment made me laugh out loud...... well the bit about feeling like a new man.

OP im struggling to get my head round so much stuff!! its all i do and have been doing for over a year really...H left only a month ago but it dragged on and on for ages before he went. Im feeling better for being on here and getting support from the others on the EA thread....I was alone for along time and when i discovered MN I found the words to describe my situation to a T.
I found others too, who lived as i lived. I cried with relief as i read the posts.

Good Luck.

scream, that is SUCH a lovely thing to say. I am so touched. Thank you very much!

As for Dating...the dreaded D-word.... Men?

I don't think id touch one with a shitty stick...

That is honestly what I said 3m ago.

I would have beaten any man that asked me out to DEATH with said shitty stick.

check back on the EA6 thread this post That's when I realised that if I stay alone forever, that's TwatFace (TF) winning.

..And we can't be having that, now CAN WE?

I am STILL terrified of the fact that the DrDate2 guy has mentioned the word KISS. He's going to want one at some point won't he? and for a few reasons, I'm not ready for that just yet. I think he will understand and shave off his beard

I live kind of where I grew up, 20 years on. I know practically no-one. Even if I had child care (which I NOW do) there is no-one to go out with. neither male OR female.

My life at the hands of X had literally shrunk down to a pinprick. It was on the point of imploding to nothing, creating some kind of personal black hole of a person. Terrible. Tragic.

So, I am pushing back ALL the boundaries of the whole thing, it's excruciating. I'm more or less free of the agoraphobia I had, but I fear practically everything. Compliments terrify me (though I am learning that to accept them is to allow someone to GIVE...) and the online dating thing by emailing is working out nicely for me so far, lots of interaction without any demand for physical action.

Perfect.

It's far too soon for any of this christ it's only been 4 months

You were writing these emails to a man you'd only been in a relationship with for 4 months?

And he walked out on you when you were pg?

4 months is not exactly longterm but the damage can be done. U have escaped lightly as some women (me included) have endured years and years (18 here ) of emotional abuse . I envy you having seen it after only 4 months . Well done and good luck for future. Do not make same mistake twice

Izzy my thoughts also