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Original poster

Think it's over....my fault.....gutted :-(

51 replies

bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 19:18

Been seeing a guy since October. Went out with him originally about 11 years ago and been Fb friends for a few years then he asked me out again and we've now been out about 6/7 times. He lives about 40 miles away but doesn't drive and works 3 days on, 3 days off 10am-10pm plus I work and have a 5 year old son, so it hasn't always been that easy to see each other.

He's not brilliant at comunication and we've only ever spoken by text really. Sometimes he's chatty and other times he'll go for hours and hours without texting.

Unfortunately, I am quite insecure and haven't always handled the texting very well......I've gotten really stressed about it.

I've tried asking him about communicating a lottle more, whether I text too much etc and he's always ignored whatever i've asked and carried on as normal. It's always been me that's done the running with arranging dates etc. I've suggested phoning each other but he didn't answer that one. He's never told me how he's feeling etc I've tried being jokey and tried making light of everything. Whichever approach i've tried, i've never known where i've stood.

It's gotten to the stage where, through sheer frustration, i've ended up sending him long messages either via text or FB trying to explain my frustration and how i'm feeling.

Because he didn't answer and because i'm feeling very emotional as I like him so damn much, this morning I sent him one through Facebook that was really long but explained everything I was feeling. He didn't answer so I sent another 2 later on.

Eventually I got a reply back that said he honestly didn't know how he was feeling, but the distance and other goings on meant he couldn't be sure where it was going. That was it and i've sent him a further 3 texts and one on FB again as I don't know whether i'm dumped or not....am in total limbo!!

I have acted like and insecure and needy fool and I regret the stupid rambling messages i've sent him. I realise i've made him back off and if his mind's made up, there's nothing I can do.

Fully prepared to be told i'm a twat and have handled it terribly but really needed to just get it all down to be honest.

Can't stop thinking about him now and us having history makes it worse.

Any advice....including that i'm a stupid, needy fucking idiot :-(

OP posts:
BonosHat · 18/01/2012 19:20

Yes, you have been dumped, I'm afraid Sad.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 19:23

I know I have to be honest hon, I just wish he'd come out and said that instead of being non-specific and vague as he normally is.

I know it's mostly my fault and I should have been more relaxed. Maybe we'd still be together if I hadn't have been such a dick :-(

I want to feel better about this but right now I feel completely gutted..............and mainly because I caused it :-(

OP posts:
pictish · 18/01/2012 19:23

Woah girl! You are intense!

Someone does not need to be texting you all day long, in order to be interested!! For example - I'm not fond of texting.

You have over done it and scared him off I think.

Next time don't assail your intended with long rambly text messages demanding to know where you stand! You went out 6 or 7 times...he doesn't have to outline his intentions when he doesn't even know what they are yet! Calm down lady!!

booitsme · 18/01/2012 19:26

You have frightened him I think. Do not send any more messages today.

If I was you, I would wait and see if he contacts you. If he does, explain that as nice as he is, a relationship where you only communicate by text, isn't going anywhere. If he wants an adult relationship, call you.

perfumedlife · 18/01/2012 19:32

If it's always been you who's 'done the running and arranged the dates' then I think it's clear he was never that into a relationship. You did over-do the texts and so on but the first time he ignored my questions would have been the last.

You need to work on your self esteem/worth so that you never think this is acceptable in a relationship/dating scenario. It should be a two way street and the other person really needs to have basic manners in responding to questions, texted or otherwise.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 19:32

I have been intense, ridiculously so :-(

I have completely overdone it, hence why i'm really fucking angry with myself. The last message I sent him was a bit pathetic and needy, so am feeling bad about it. that's it, i've stopped now.

I have never, ever acted like this in a relationship before.....ever I have surprised myself with the intensity of my feelings!!

OP posts:
BayPolar · 18/01/2012 19:34

p.s
You had a lucky escape.
He wasn't very communicative.
This was him.
Imagine if you'd got together....then things had soured because of this....like so many soured relationships on MN, where the folks say, 'he/she was always like this'. Well, doh, when somebody is like something, it's because that is who they are, so you had a lucky escape, me thinks.
Move on and find somebody who finds more joy in a relationship and wants to shout it from the rooftops!
:)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/01/2012 19:35

Very sorry, OP, it's probably painful for you but please don't text or facebook him anymore, you'll feel worse if you do.

Your insecurity, from what you've posted, is really obvious and it would fighten off most people. If this man really wanted to be with you, he would - insecurities and all. He doesn't feel the same way. Sorry. :(

Take some time to yourself to regroup and learn from this so you don't repeat it again in future relationships. Texting isn't for everybody, I hate it - I text what I have to and that's all. Slow right down and think before you get carried away.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 19:36

I think because I liked him so much and we had a history, albeit years ago, I was almost desperate to make it work and when he was here in person, he was perfect.......completely perfect...tactile, complimentary etc. Just between dates it was crap and not enjoyable. I had become very stressed indeed over every little action!

thanks for listening and commenting, this is very good therapy!

OP posts:
TooEasilyTempted · 18/01/2012 19:36

Whooooaaa!!! Step away from the phone and turn off the computer. Jeez give the guy a chance. Some people aren't on their phones or FB all day every day.

I think you scared him off and I'm not surprised. Way way too intense.

If he does get back to you, you need to explain calmly and concisely that you'd appreciate the odd phone call rather than only communicating via text. And if that doesn't work for him, well you've only seen him 6 times - not exactly a relationship yet in my opinion.

WellBlowMeDown · 18/01/2012 19:38

It's not anything you've done, he's just not right for you. You will meet someone who actually wants to call you to chat. Dump him and move on.

fridakahlo · 18/01/2012 19:39

What's done is done and there is no changing that. But you can learn from this. Six or sseven dates where you've done all the running to arrange is never a positive starting place. And ignoring your questions was the next negative thing. Your intensity may have scared him but I get the feeling he wasn't seeing it going anywhere longterm anyway.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 19:42

I know i've scared him off and I feel terrible about it. He is not entirely blameless though, but I accpet the vast majority of blame.

I know to most of you, it doesn't seem like a relationship, and it might well not have been :-(

I was way too intense...totally over the top. I'm embarrassed and regretful about everything, but there's no way of salvaging anything at all now :-(

I've messaged him way too much today and probably ever. I feel so angry with myself.

Any advice on how to get over someone??

OP posts:
Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 19:44

He probably wans't seeing it going anywhere longterm, very right!

OP posts:
BandOMothers · 18/01/2012 19:45

Eye roll at "You have frightened him" wtf is he? A little baby lamb? nope! He's a man...one who evidently hasn't enough guts to discuss his feelings and so you're FAR better off without him!

TooEasilyTempted · 18/01/2012 19:51

Any advice on how to get over someone

Have a good cry, and then forget about him. Keep yourself busy. Take up a hobby. Arrange a night out with friends. Go and get a new hairdo/manicure/new clothes. Do things that make YOU feel good and make you feel worthy of a good relationship that doesn't need all this intensity and angst and desperation.

maleview70 · 18/01/2012 19:52

Got to say after 6/7 dates I would not respond well to a woman this needy.

You need to slow down a bit and start to take things much more slowly.

Nothing worse to a man than having to go down the feelings route after 6 dates!!

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 20:01

It is interesting to see how people think differently about this.

I know i'm not all to blame.

Slowing down is not an option now as his lack of reply to my messages speaks volumes............I wish he'd actually tell me it's over though! :-(

Thanks maleview, I guess it's cos the dates were spread out over a longer period of time and we had the history, I kind of felt there was more to it than a casual thing and the thigs he said whilst he was here suggested that definitely. When he was here, he gave the impression that he was in this thing properly for the duration and then when he wasn't he'd go quiet.

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 18/01/2012 20:11

I'm sorry, maybe you sent him a few too many messages right at the end but I don't think this was all your fault.

Ive dated men like this, ones that constantly have you guessing and feeling unsure.

You have had a very lucky escapeSmile

When you're with someone and it's right you just know it, you won't even have to ask how they're feeling cause they will tell you. He sounds a but rude and immature to me, not answering questions? What's that about?! Totally disrespectful!

You deserve better.

WellBlowMeDown · 18/01/2012 20:16

I agree, lucky escape. Ignoring your comments and not calling isn't a good start to a relationship even if you were too intense. Maybe you will find someone who likes that you like them. Cry and keep busy... You'll feel better if you cut contact with him, in the long run.

maleview70 · 18/01/2012 20:20

I meant slow down in future relationships. If I were dating and early in a relationship I would expect some messages and would send some back in return without going too deep too soon.

He clearly isnt comfortable with any form of communication so I think long term it wont be a great loss to you. No one male or female wants to spend their life with a partner who cant communicate so think of it as a lucky escape.

TheLightPassenger · 18/01/2012 20:24

I agree with Frida, I don't think it was working very well for you anyway, so the flurry of messages has just brought the situation to a head rather than spoilt anything.

Livergirl1981 · 18/01/2012 20:25

The best way to get over someone is to get under another Wink but seriously you need to just cool it now the ball is in his court he knows where you are! And if he doesn't bother you obviously don't mean that much to him so good riddance!!

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 18/01/2012 20:32

Thank you for replying and it's good to see that some of you see it from my perspective too. I really did try and get him to communicate but sheer frustration at his ignorance led me to behave like a twat :-(

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 18/01/2012 20:35

You're not a twat, he is annoying and frustrated you. His loss, not yoursSmile