Think it's over....my fault.....gutted :-(

[bigshinydinosaur]

Been seeing a guy since October. Went out with him originally about 11 years ago and been Fb friends for a few years then he asked me out again and we've now been out about 6/7 times. He lives about 40 miles away but doesn't drive and works 3 days on, 3 days off 10am-10pm plus I work and have a 5 year old son, so it hasn't always been that easy to see each other.

He's not brilliant at comunication and we've only ever spoken by text really. Sometimes he's chatty and other times he'll go for hours and hours without texting.

Unfortunately, I am quite insecure and haven't always handled the texting very well......I've gotten really stressed about it.

I've tried asking him about communicating a lottle more, whether I text too much etc and he's always ignored whatever i've asked and carried on as normal. It's always been me that's done the running with arranging dates etc. I've suggested phoning each other but he didn't answer that one. He's never told me how he's feeling etc I've tried being jokey and tried making light of everything. Whichever approach i've tried, i've never known where i've stood.

It's gotten to the stage where, through sheer frustration, i've ended up sending him long messages either via text or FB trying to explain my frustration and how i'm feeling.

Because he didn't answer and because i'm feeling very emotional as I like him so damn much, this morning I sent him one through Facebook that was really long but explained everything I was feeling. He didn't answer so I sent another 2 later on.

Eventually I got a reply back that said he honestly didn't know how he was feeling, but the distance and other goings on meant he couldn't be sure where it was going. That was it and i've sent him a further 3 texts and one on FB again as I don't know whether i'm dumped or not....am in total limbo!!

I have acted like and insecure and needy fool and I regret the stupid rambling messages i've sent him. I realise i've made him back off and if his mind's made up, there's nothing I can do.

Fully prepared to be told i'm a twat and have handled it terribly but really needed to just get it all down to be honest.

Can't stop thinking about him now and us having history makes it worse.

Any advice....including that i'm a stupid, needy fucking idiot :-(

This can be an issue with 'revisited' relationships.

You can think because of the history, that the early relationship boundaries [all that not being too available-remaining interested yet aloof politics] dont stand, or that because you possibly already feel comfortable with that person you get a bit too cosy a bit too soon.

That said it does sound as though you have been doing all the running.

Your texts and messages were too much but you know that already. best thing to do is just step back and stay away from FB!

Now listen here: Stop beating yourself up. It won't change anything. All it will do is make you feel worse.

There isn't a woman alive who hasn't at some point in her life done things she wishes she hadn't within a relationship. I've made a bloody great big fool of myself more times than I care to remember, believe me.

I think if you have a propensity to feel insecure in your relationships then certain types of behaviour from the other person can really trigger those deep seated feelings and send you into a tail spin.

He really hasn't been very kind or decent has he? Perhaps you have been "intense" and "needy" (there isn't actually anything wrong with having needs you know) but he's been dishonest and cruel and that's far worse in my book.

Be kind to yourself.

i can see that your frustration has got you further into the texting etc than would be normal for you.

if you were getting nothing or very little back, (and it does seem as tho you weren't from the off) then it would never be equal. You get more pissed off, he backs away.

There also isn't a woman here (probably) who had been in a relationship with someone who wasn't right for them. It happens all time, just don't waste too much time and energy on him.

Who hasnt been in a relationship that isn't right for them... That should read!

gawd, you havent even met him and you are acting like a possessive lover?

my advice to him would be run for the hills forrest, and dont stop running

sorry misread it, you have met him

my advice to him still stands though - there was a similar thread on aibu earlier, from the perspective of the one being hounded. i think the verdict was pretty unanimous - the stalker is a weirdo!

There's a difference between stalking amd trying to clarify your position in regards to a relationship imho. OP sounds like the latter.
If she was still contacting him in this way in a week or two then you might have a valid point.

By ignoring you he´s shown his immaturity, so be thankful you know that now.

Imagine having to put up with that in a long term relationship!

NEXT!

He was not communicative (his bad)
You started to feel insecure, got needy (understandable)
He ran (understandable)

Don't be hard on yourself. Learn from this for when you meet a man who deserves you who DOES communicate

Oh God, I have acted like a complete twat in relationships. But why would you want to be with someone who only communicated by texting? Is he 18??

You have clearly come on too strong and frightened him off but at least you were honest and upfront about your feelings. He didn't respond the way you wanted to so put it behind you.

Y'know it's not that long since people used to got for DAYS between dates with no communication at all. What is this text obsession? 6/7 dates in - it is OK for your new relationship not to be his primary focus in life. This does not make him a bad person.

But - I can be a bit needy too OP. When you find the right person you wont be so needy because you will feel secure.

I think, OP, you need a big hug! Sorry you feel so shit today. Keep busy, don't send any more messages and make plans for the weekend.

Yep, hugs from me too.

You kept on with the texts/facebook messages because he wasn't giving you the information you needed. Quite cruel of him IMO.

Have a bit of a cry if you feel like it and then be kind to yourself. Put your phone away and turn off Facebook so you're not constantly checking for replies as well.

Bless you x

Don't worry.

Your soulmate wouldn't end a relationship because you wanted to talk more.

Move on.

Thanks everyone, he eventually texted back last evening saying he'd read my messages, sorry for not replying and he hoped we could be friends and he had acted like a dick by not responding.

Yes, I can see now that I went over the top with the messages, but it was sheer frustration that led me to do that and his ignoring everything really did NOT help. I can see now that it was not the right relationship for me.

I was NOT a stalker, let me clarify that!! I was not hounding him or asking him anything heavy, nor was it going on over a long period of time. I wasn't asking him where he was, what he was doing or who he was with. I was merely asking for answers and some clarification so I could move on.....it was clear what I was asking him and, quite frankly, he was a coward for not answering. He had clearly decided it was over but did not tell me and let me carry on thinking he was still interested.

Time to move onwards and upwards; I do feel a bit sad though. thanks to those that have understood my position, very much appreciated :-)

Oh OP, I just wanted to say that I'm quite surprised at some of the unsympathetic replies above. He sounds immature (I mean, who only communicates by text?!) and I think that in the situation you describe, asking for clarification about where you stand is completely normal.

Walk away with your head held high - don't beat yourself up - and I hope you're feeling better soon.

Believe me, your actions as you describe them could have been me in just about every relationship I have ever been in where I was keen on the guy! Until, that is, I met Mr MJIASG, and then there was no need for tension/ second guessing etc because it just worked. Pretty much what tethers said, really.

And the not so weird thing was that I met him in incredibly short order after I made the conscious decision that I deserved better than I was getting and that it was in my hands.

You sound so intelligently self aware that I know it will happen for you too hun (wanders back to Netmums!!))

Thank you guys, I was slightly surprised at some of those who thought I was a stalker, really more insecurity than anything.

I am also wandering back to Netmums later on, although I do love MN! lol

It was only camberwick who said that, wasn't it ?

You're were definitely not being a stalker - that word gets bandied about way too much! But - and I don't want to just add to the cringe factor - I think it was too much, maybe?

We've all been there, I'm sure. I know I have! God, I still want the ground to swallow me up when I think of one guy. I remember how the radio would go static-y when my phone was receiving a text, and I'd obsessively jump on my phone - is it him? Is it him?

Like someone else said about the days before texts...in many ways we've become agents of our own demise. Pre-text days, you wouldn't expect semi-constant contact throughout the day - or even over the course of a few days.

If I had gotten several long/intense FB messages from someone 3 or 4 months into a relationship, I'd feel a bit suffocated. A couple of flirty texts throughout the day, cool. Maybe a cheeky @ message on FB, awesome. But at that stage, surely it's still fun and light and stuff? Surely the intense stuff is better saved for face to face time? It's so tough when you're doing all the chasing...but if you felt like you'd only see him if you arranged it, surely that was your answer?

Just because there are more channels than ever to reach someone on, doesn't mean they like to employ them. Maybe in your next relationship, just try to chill out a little bit and give it a few days first in you find yourself with another uncommunicative person. Just give it the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry fridakahlo...it was.......didn't look properly!

Stalking is threatening, frightening, intimidating behaviour. Nothing at all like receiving texts and FB messages

I can assure you you feel a lot worse about this situation than he does.

He may wellhave a girlfriend. The not phoning thing sets alarm bells ringing for me. Maybe he goes incommunicado because he cant get away to talk? Either way, he isnt interested so move on and stop beating yourself up.

Forgive yourself, OP. We all have things we kick ourselves about. But I agree with those who are expressing surprise in how central texting was to this early-dating/relationship situation (and to others on others Mn threads). I don't think it's a great way to communicate, apart from in the most basic 'Am running fifteen minutes late' or emergency situations - and it does potentially foster a lot of misunderstanding and teenage-style behaviour! Facebook likewise.

I'd find his reluctance to have a phone conversation really juvenile, so I think you may have dodged a bullet...