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Original poster

Can't figure my in laws out

58 replies

iluvsummer · 17/01/2012 20:53

They do absolutely nothing with my ds at all and I mean nothing they dont even pick up the phone to see how he is YET they do everything for their other gs (my dps other child).

I have been home a week now after having an ectopic and there has been not one offer of help from them in any shape or form however they have taken their other gs to school and picked him up every day and they've had him staying over too bearing in mind his mother doesn't work.

God I'm so full of resentment towards them at the moment it's unbelievable I just need to let it go don't I :(

OP posts:
SugarPasteVelociraptor · 17/01/2012 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trice · 17/01/2012 21:22

Sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment. Perhaps they prefer older children? Just trying to look on the bright side.
Really I expect that you are just going to have to lower your expectations of your in laws. They sound rubbish.

kittensmakemesqueee · 17/01/2012 21:24

Genrally I think people should suck it up and not expect grand parent involvement or babysitting. But if they know what's happened to you I think it is particularly shitty to not offer to help.

Original poster
iluvsummer · 17/01/2012 21:27

My ds is 11 months and their gs is 7, they've always not bothered not since he was born, it's as if they just don't give a shit about him. Its very very hurtful indeed. In a way and its a terrible thing to say I think they're secretly glad I lost the baby as they think their other gs would be upset :( dp won't say a peep to them for some reason and now I do everything I can to detach and avoid them to stop myself saying something and it all blowing up

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Original poster
iluvsummer · 17/01/2012 21:28

Kitten they all know what's happened his mother works in the records bit and saw my notes updated on the pc! It just makes me feel crap

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Adversecamber · 17/01/2012 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mebythesea · 17/01/2012 21:52

I think gp's often favour the precious firstborn grandchild. It just seems to often be the way. Is your nephew an only child? Do your sil/bil say he is at all jealous of your dc? My mum does it with my dc's. I think because mine were born first but then also we live much nearer so see her more often than my sister and her kids. Though my mum does try to be as fair as poss with the dc's ie affection, presents etc it is fairly obvious dd1 is fave. Not much advice apart from being honest and asking for help if you need it and if they are willing. If not just ignore and do as much as poss with your own parents. Maybe get nephew to help with baby to dissepate any resentment? Sorry ab eptopic pregnancy. Hope your recovering well xout

workshy · 17/01/2012 21:58

your dps other child?

I know people in this situation and they favour the first child either because they fear they will lose contact if the 1st DCs mother falls out with them so they bend over backwards

or they don't agree with their son's behaviour if that is what lead to the end of that relationship (I'm not saying that was the case with your DP by the way, just saying I know someone who behaved like that and that was their reason)

Original poster
iluvsummer · 17/01/2012 22:08

It's dps other child, without going into details there's no chance of his mother falling out with them etc as they do everything for her and she 'needs' them to much to have him so she can carry on with her single and free life!

I think they just dont care about ds from their actions towards him and us

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suburbophobe · 17/01/2012 22:23

Families can be so toxic.

What is the back story?

Are the GPs very old fashioned in that they cannot deal with their children's relationships breaking down and then go on to have children with some-one else? How have they been with you since you got together?

They sound cruel. How is your DP dealing with it? I wouldn't take it lying down if I were him. But there's always a family dynamic operating.

Sorry to hear about your ectopic. Get well soon!

The only thing I can say is don't let it get you down but concentrate on the 3 of you.

mebythesea · 17/01/2012 22:29

Sorry got muddled, meant dp's other child. Well thats a bit different. Does your ss come stay with you? What is your relationship with him like? Could you encourage the sibling bond more and that way show the gp's there is no jealousy problem? My il's show v little interest in our dc's hurt like hell for few yrs but now used to it. See it as their loss.

MaeMobley · 17/01/2012 22:30

Is it you they don't like and it is tainting their relationship with your son? or did they not approve of your DP/ first DS mother break up?

What is your DP's take on this?

Original poster
iluvsummer · 17/01/2012 23:08

Ss is from a very short relationship with dp when she found out she was preg dp parents became heavily involved with her to the point of having her live in their house even though they were not in a relationship and dp was working away a lot they say awful things about her behind her back yet bend over backwards for her e.g dp asked them to look after ds so we could go to the cinema 30 min before going they said they couldn't as they had their gs cos she had a hangover!!

No sibling jealousy as far as I can see dp treats them the same he comes here whenever he wants doesn't want to sleep out of apparently his choice but think it's more a case of nanna doesn't want him to as she likes to sleep in the same bed as him!

I've known them a v v long time before me and dp got together always got on well but from my own admittance I've distanced myself since I've seen how they treat ds and the way the speak i.e swear at him when they do see him and yes I have told them about that!

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Original poster
iluvsummer · 17/01/2012 23:14

Dp says to me ignore them as this is how they were with him growing up they favoured his Sister over him

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Beamur · 17/01/2012 23:19

I think your last post sums up what I was going to say - I was never the favoured GC by my paternal GP's, but they doted on the cousins (who were the children of their youngest son) but saying that, they were fine with me - I just didn't get quite the same treatment. I think I was unconcerned though as I was the golden child for my other GP's - my Mums parents - to the extent that I think my Mum felt a bit sorry for her brother kids....
Sorry you're having a crappy time and it's a shame you and your family aren't getting the same support from your IL's but it's better for you in the long run to try and ignore it, hard though that may be.

mynewpassion · 18/01/2012 01:41

How often does your dp see his first child? Do you guys have a contact arrangement or its just whenever SS wants to visit?

Maybe the ILs feel like they have to be the stabilizing the factor in the GC1's life if mother is as unstable and father has a new family. When he was born, the mother doesn't seem to be in the right place and still doesn't if she is out partying alot of weekends and your DP was away working so they might have been his main carers or at least 50%. In this type of situation, the GC1 becomes a third child for the ILs. As a result, they see it as GC1 needs them more than your DC. He has a mother and father. GC1 has a part-time mother and part-time father and ILs fill in all the contracts.

Could this be the scenario?

suburbophobe · 18/01/2012 01:51

Nanna likes her 7 year old grandson to sleep in bed with her?! Shock

Original poster
iluvsummer · 18/01/2012 05:19

Sees him every day when he's with his parents, thousands were spent in court re contact and 2 days a week on his shifts off were allocated but the case is that this is not adhered to, ss mother because his parents have enabled her to behave in the way she has has never had to take responsibility for her a child as his parents have not allowed her to be a parent with their overbearingness and interference, they never say no to her sorry we can't not tonight! When the mother has him they pop down to see him every night and nanna has told me that it's because she's hoping he'll want to go home with her. We live closer to them yet they haven't been here specifically to see me ds or dp for nearly 6 weeks they only call if gs wants to be dropped off.

Mynewpassion yes I think that could be partly the case however they have not all
Yes nanna sleeps in the same bed they won't go to sleep without each other nanna also wipes his bum for him buys him a new toy Ooohhh at least twice a week allows him to hit her and use fowl language towards her, they infatalise him but also it seems that they want to be best buddies.

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Original poster
iluvsummer · 18/01/2012 05:20

Meant to say my new passion yes I think that is partly the case but they have not allowed her to be a parent

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RealLifeIsForWimps · 18/01/2012 05:37

Tbh it does sound as though they are absolutely terrified of losing contact with their older GS, hence enabling the mother's behaviour. Maybe they think that by being super supportive, it'll stop her getting lonely and making an effort to meet someone else and possibly take the GS out of their lives.

I wouldn't take this personally or a slight against your son, hard though it may be.

Original poster
iluvsummer · 18/01/2012 05:47

Maybe that is what they're trying to do but it's just unfair the girl has so much support from HER parents and sisters too but pil even slag them off for daring to want to see their gs. Mil possibly sees him as a replacement child for the one she didn't have 8 years ago, she wants to be his mummy.

Me and dp have no one only my parents who have been an absolute godsend this week if it wasn't for them then dp would have had to take holidays to be at home yet pil have been home and not even picked up the phone to see if we need a hand. I'm beginning to realie that it is their loss as they will be missing out on this gs growing up

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Abitwobblynow · 18/01/2012 06:29

Sleeps in a bed with him and wipes his bum for him - really?

Well, that is a kind of love and devotion you should be whispering thanks into your pillow every night is NOT being directed your child's way.

Toxic is toxic. You want poison in your child's life? Leave them all to it and be glad you're out of it!

Its the way you look at it. On the surface your child is being excluded, but in reality? Make your own healthy family.

Original poster
iluvsummer · 18/01/2012 06:47

Honestly yes sleeps in bed and wipes his bum and more...gm, gf, ss and their daughter and gd live in the same house at the moment, gm and ss in one room, gf on his own and daughter and gd in another room, when it came to sorting out who'd have which room daughter took biggest room, nanna said I'm sleeping with ss so gf you can go in the box room lol

I think I need to read up on toxic behaviour, I just find their behaviour bizarre I would never favour one gc over another there should be enough love and concern to go around :( but I do feel far happier when my ds is not in their company as I do not want him to be influenced by their behaviour, maybe thats my 'inner self' telling me something!

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mynewpassion · 18/01/2012 06:54

I don't know but your DP and his ex aren't looking good to me. You say the ILs are enabling the ex and to an extent your DP from being a mother and a father.

Is it them enabling it or is that neither your DP or the ex wants to take back their parental responsibilities? Do you think your DP is a good father to his firstborn?

I don't understand why your DP is not more concerned about GC1. ILs treating him as a baby is not good for him and neither is wiping his butt when he's 7. His mother's continuous going out, getting drunk, and unable to care for him is not good either. I think this is unacceptable.

With the ex, its a catch-22. If she's going to go out, she's leaving. If GC1 isn't staying with your ILs, he's going to be staying with someone else.

mynewpassion · 18/01/2012 06:57

I don't get the reason for spending thousands of dollars on court case if all this time, GC1 was living with your ILs. Was your DP fighting both the ILs and the ex?

I can see why there might be a fracture in the family if that is the case.

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