Can't figure my in laws out

[iluvsummer]

They do absolutely nothing with my ds at all and I mean nothing they dont even pick up the phone to see how he is YET they do everything for their other gs (my dps other child).

I have been home a week now after having an ectopic and there has been not one offer of help from them in any shape or form however they have taken their other gs to school and picked him up every day and they've had him staying over too bearing in mind his mother doesn't work.

God I'm so full of resentment towards them at the moment it's unbelievable I just need to let it go don't I :(

It's complicated to write down exactly what's going on but I'll try so you'll just have to bear with me lol

IL's have taken over from day one, they have not allowed either parent to be a parent, with DP they have taken complete control from him, they undermine everything he says and does e.g reprimanding bad behaviour they say the opposite and not to listen to daddy, when we take him out they ring up all the time where are you when will you be back how long will you be...they cannot bear to be away from their gs. It is the same with his mother when he goes back to her they ring her up and ask does he want to come back they go to the house to see him every night in the hope that he'll say he wants to go home with them, when she says about going on hols they panic and say she can't!! There was talk about her moving away (she wouldn't have as all her support is here) and they were saying they wouldn't allow it to happen!

I can see that my dp is defeated by them nothing he does is acceptable or good enough so I sense that he has given up. He is a good if he is given a chance but they do not allow it to happen and him trying causes more hasstle than the worth of it, they have a massive paddy. We wanted to go away for the weekend with ss and they ended up coming because they couldn't cope without being without him for 3 nights!

The ex goes out so much because they enable her to do so if they said sorry we can't have him tonight then she would have to stay in and be a parent but because they've abdicated her of her reponsibility she comes and goes as she pleases. When gs is staying with gp could be for a week at a time or more they do not ring his mother to see when she's picking him up or where she is they say why should they they don't want him to go back to her.

RE the court case DP was happy for access on his time off as he was away for the the rest of the time but his parents pushed and pushed him to go for custody which wasn't awarded so 2 days a week was given.

Seems to me that they behave like this because they can.

Were your husbad & his gfriend very young when she became pregnant?

Seems odd that she lived with them.

What makes you think that the ex would stay in if they didn´t babysit?

And how God´s name did you let them come away with you for a w/end?

Perhaps your husband should look into custody again or at least more visits?

They weren't in a relationship, it was a short lived fling and she got preg nothing more, that's what I mean about them being overbearing they took her in to live with them eventhough she has her parents and she had her own flat at the time, they more or less said come and live with us and we'll look after baby for you. She was 20 I think. I just think if they said no we can't then maybe she would take responsibility!

DP can't afford to go to court again, and as for more visits he sees him more or less every day.

You need to let the resentment go yes, yes, yes. Focus on all of the things you have told us about the GPs on this thread and count your blessings that they are not attempting to acquire your child for themselves and undermine your relationship with him.

You are better off without their attention believe me and so is your ds. I actually feel rather sorry for the other little boy. Although you might feel he is having attention heaped upon him, it sounds like a rather twisted kind of attention which in the long run will do him little good.

Sorry, I read it as he only saw his son twice a week.

I agree with letting it go-your son is only 11months-how much would you want them to actually do?

And re the ectopic-how awful for you, but would you really want your ILs round "helping"?

What is your husband doing to get back control with his oldest?

If he is at school & lives with his mum, I assume he sleeps in his own bed/wipes his own bum most of the time.

How much childcare/overnights do his parents do & how much of that could he take on?

He is also a parent & if he doesn´t like what´s going on (not sure if you´ve said that), it´s also up to him to take some responsibility.

ss practically lives with the gps, mother will have him back well out of a full month say 5/6 nights in total, when he's with her he's independent like a normal 7 year old should be, gm went clean off because he folds his clothes ready for the next day when he's with mum!

Dp needs to grow a backbone where his parents are involved and speak up but they are incredibly manupilative and I don't know what is said to him but I know things are if that makes sense. They are always hitting him for money for ss, he pays CSA and mother claims all the benefits she can but they refuse to ask her for money towards the gs when he's with them and instead ask him for it even though he's already providing and is on a low income.

I think your dp needs to have a chat with his son's mother about access - ie your step son staying with you guys, rather than the grandparents all the time, and staying more with the mother too? It's great that they care so much, but maybe too much? He's not their son, he's your partner's son and this is all looking a bit unhealthy!

You should thank the lord that they haven't tried to take over where your son is concerned too!

I agree with snuffal.

I think it´s now quite easy to see why they act like they do.they´re practically raising him by the sounds of things.

I think he also needs to chat with his ex!

They care but it's an obsession with them, dp has literally no contact with the ex they cannot even be in the same room as each other it's very unstable, all contact is made through his parents, very bloody childish from my point of view.

GP have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with the gs, the long and the short of it is they want him to be their son, the son that she didn't have 8 years ago, god nanna even goes as far as saying she's mummy sometimes, it's disturbing!

Looking back over the thread I am beginning to see that actually I am very lucky they don't seem to give two hoots about my ds and quite possible the less they see of him the better, they are actually incredibly toxic and self entitled people!

Sounds as if both your partner & his ex need to do some growing up.

And when your partner is at his parents & finds out that his son will be staying the night or for the next week, why doesn´t he bring him home?

Because nanna won't let him and when he asks ss ss says he wants nanna well bloody nanna will not be staying in my frigging house, even dp sis makes comments about ss and nanna, she also has a child and it must be hurtful for her to see how differently her child gets treated too

"Because nanna won´t let him"

But your partner is the parent with responsibilities-he should just take his own son home!

He no longer has to do what his mother wants/says!

His mother has a massive strop she's like a kid petulant face will go on and the sulk starts! I have told him this but no joy, I think he's had a dysfunctional upbringing too, she told me before that she had him and his sis in bed with her until they were 8/9!! She thinks it odd that my ds is in his own room bloody freak

WRT to looking after the children (or not as is the case), do you not just think its a matter of a 7 year old being easier to look after than an 11 month old; maybe when your child is older, able to talk, they may have more of a relationship with him.

It´s not about his mother though-it´s about his son.

What is he doing about the fact that his child is being brought up by his mother, despite having two parents nearby!

More to the point-does it bother him-or does it bother him enough to want to do anything about it?

TubbyDuffs no I don't think age matters they wouldn't have him for 2 hours for us to go to the pictures because the mother was too hungover to look after her own child and they dropped our ds for to be at her beck and call, I've just come home from hospital after having an ectopic and I could have done with a hand off them but nada not even a phonecall!

diddl in all honestly I think he's given up they've beaten him down to submission because he's tried so much and they just have strops and moods that he can't do it anymore, also I think he sees it in the way that at least his son has a home in some respects. It's a hard situation to explain really I can see clearly all the failings as I'm an outsider but when you're in the middle you're judgement is clouded. I also think dp just wants an easy life and when you've been enabled for so long this is the end situation.

In all honesty I'm washing my hands of it and not getting involved anymore, my ds is my priority and concern and I from now all I have to worry about that he is being brought up to MY standard of living and behaviour which is at the total opposite of their standards.

Well, I can kind of see how it´s come about-but really, what has he tried?

I mean he has PR, doesn´t he?

They can´t stop him taking his son?

And tbh if he leaves his son there fór an easy life for himself then shame on him.

I can see exactly how it's come about and it's now a bloody mess.

He has tried but everything that is suggested is met with a no hes doesn't want, no he's happy where he is, no don't disturb him, no don't unsettle him, no what will we do, no he's content as he is, no this is where he's secure you don't want to make him insecure do you, you don't want to make him choose do you, you don't want to unsettle him do you blah blah blah

Yes he has PR but him taking his son would cause a massive rift in the family.

A psyc would have a field day analysing these people.

A rift with who?

He really does need to be thinking of his son though.

How will he feel when he realises thatboth his parents left him to be brought up by his GPs when it wasn´t necessary?

It doesn´t matter what his parents say about their GS-it´s not up to them.

It´s up to your partner to step up & tell them that he is the father & will do the parenting.

Perhaps he needs some counselling to get the strength to parent his own child?

A rift with his parents but then maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing he'd be left to be a parent then! I think that he will be very upset and feel that he's been a bad person when he realised that his parents have been the parents but he will NEVER admit it!

I'm just fed up of the whole situation and can't see an end to it! I've suggested counselling but he said no!

I'm sick of talking about it to him and of seeing the destruction and unhappiness it's causing

I can see why you´re fed up-but don´t give up for the sake of the little boy.

Did I read right in that your "mil" lost a baby when her first GS was born?

If so & she´s taken him on a as substitute, how awful for them both.

I´m thinking that perhaps your partner isn´t that old & I´m maybe a similar age to "mil", but I think that your partner needs to be careful here.

She might suddenly get fed up-child gets older/answers back, I don´t know, & he might have to be there to step in & parent!

"A rift with his parents but then maybe that wouldn´t be such a bad thing"-possibly one of the biggest understatements

If his parents cut him & by extension their GC off then it shows how much they really care-ie it´s all on their terms or not at all.

Actually, I think that they´ve pretty much shown this already, otherwise they would be more than happy to let their son parent his own child.

isn't there a rift right now?

Your DP needs to step in and be a parent to his own son.

Like I said I don't know if its the ILs that are enabling or your DP and his ex enabling them to become SS's pseudo parents.

No she got rid of the baby so gs is the surrogate, dp in his 30s,ss answers back now and has foul language a reflection of how he hhas been brought up and influenced by them its awful.

I have to give up for the sake of my little one and my sanity, the situation will never change no matter how much dp tries. I think they have all enabled each other in this situation and they will carry on doing so!

Well it all sounds awful & tbh I couldn´t respect such a man as your partner over this.

Hope to goodness you are always able to be around when your son sees his GPs.