I'm in a new relationship with bad patterns and I can't make myself stop.

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I met a man on an online dating site. We met straight away, without chatting much, as he happened to mention he was at a function I was going to too, so we got on very well on that, our sort of first date, our second date we spent the entire weekend together and slept together. He said he could tell he could fall in love with me. Then our fourth date, he said he was in love with me. I felt it was a bit too soon, but we had been talking a lot, and I felt I could fall in love with him, so I didn't worry, but in hindsight maybe I should have. Then, it has been so so so full on. He says things to me that nobody has before, long letters, flowers, nobody has ever really done any of that for me before. I feel a bit like it is too much, too soon, sometimes, but it's intoxicating. He makes me feel so special when he's switched onto that role. I can't explain it. Like I'm beautiful. He's been here most evenings and every weekend. It has just all moved so quickly.

Then, the main worry I have now, is just that it's always, always drama. We've only been together for two months. If something happens with the children and I have to put them first, he sulks. The same with my work. I don't know, he's a successful man, normal, but I really feel he... overreacts a lot. And attributes the worst motives to me! I'm always having to apologise massively when I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I thought he was just sensitive, then I thought maybe I am a cold hearted bitch and I'm treating him terribly. But nobody has ever thought that before, surely it isn't me? I really really like him, that perhaps isn't coming across. But I've just had another day of me crying on the phone trying to explain that I wasn't trying to hurt him by doing something I felt was innocent and innocuous, and I sort of feel that it just isn't right.
No, I know it's not right, but I still feel like I ought to apologise to him and try to be better, and carry on. I want to say to him that he's acting ridiculously, so why do I hear myself saying sorry to him instead?

I need to figure out how to not keep picking men who end up being all wrong. I need to know how to be alone. I I feel like such a failure for ending up here again, and so sad. Maybe this should be in mental health. :(

He is showing the classic early signs...and you know it!

Get yourself some therapy to help raise your self esteem, and work out where these patterns have come from, probably your childhood, your parents relationships with each other and with you.

You may though, be opening a can of worms, so go steady with yourself.

Big red flags here OP... I don't know for sure but it sounds to me a bit like he has some sort of personality disorder, maybe borderline? As I say I am not qualified, just have experienced this type of thing myself before. Look it up for yourself and see what you think, but I would tread very carefully with this one

Mahooosive red flaggage!!!
Look after yourself

If someone declares love for you, writes long letters, etc etc etc it can get addictive in a way. You end up apologising to him in the hopes that he will shower attention on you again. It's the way men like him work - they build you up and up so that the slightest knock will send you tumbling. I agree with singingprincess - it might be worth having counselling to work out why you crave this sort of unrealistic, over the top affection. Once you work through your own issues you'll start to attract the right men.

The beginning of your op sounds similar to how things started with my new man (met in real life first then he emailed me on dating site). He was very full on initially, overreacted to certain situations and sometimes a bit of a drama queen. Same with flowers, lovely notes/texts, early declaration of love etc etc.

All very flattering to start with but red flags being waved at the same time so I held back. One or two situations where I felt that I was apologising for something not my fault. I am rather laid back, a little quiet sometimes, happy in my own company and think about things before acting - whereas he can be opposite to me in these areas (which I don't always think is a bad thing) and come across as very confident.

So, despite my quietness, I told him, that I felt it was way to early to be in love (for me), that I am not into drama and that in a certain situation he had totally overreacted.

I told him that there was no rush re falling in love, as I liked him so therefore wasn't going anywhere - just yet - and he calmed down. I told him that I wasn't responsible for his overreaction to something and that his response/actions to being pissed off wasn't my responsibility either - and he listened.

If he hadn't listened and calmed down a lot, I would have binned him off. I realise now he's not anywhere near as confident as he comes across.

You need to say how unhappy this is making you. So early on you should be having fun and things shouldn't be such a drama.

Sounds like you both need to take a step back and take a breather

Agree, my ex-h started exactly like this and he is bonkers, and not in a good way.

The only man I ever was involved with who was like that (exactly like that) turned very nasty.
Not that that proves anything.

Just be careful and don't be emotionally bullied into giving more than you want to.

Take the advice here. Sounds like it's all going much too fast. He might turn out to be controlling/needy or worse. Muthahubbard has some good advice if you want to slow it right down and give it a chance, although personally I think I'd be giving him a body swerve altogether.

Run, run, run, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

This is a man you have known a matter of weeks who expects to be prioritised over your CHILDREN!!

I AM WAVING A RED FLAG THE SIZE OF A DOUBLE DUVET COVER AT YOU!

Yes actually...just re-read your OP. Get out of it and concentrate on looking after your kids and keeping hold of your job. All the best.

the main worry I have now, is just that it's always, always drama

If something happens with the children and I have to put them first, he sulks

but I really feel he... overreacts a lot. And attributes the worst motives to me!

I'm always having to apologise massively when I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong.

I've just had another day of me crying on the phone trying to explain that I wasn't trying to hurt him by doing something I felt was innocent and innocuous

I want to say to him that he's acting ridiculously, so why do I hear myself saying sorry to him instead?

Listen to me matey - all that ^^ and it's been 2 months??

Listen to your instinct.

And RUN!

Self-preservaton is a situation where being a cold hearted bitch is entirely justified.

Start reclaiming your life by ending any relationship/communications with this man.

And then, as advised, seek counselling that will enable you to raise your self-esteem and stop you falling for a load of old flannel from males who do not have your best interests at heart

I'm afraid I"m going to be blunt. It's not all love, romance, hearts and flowers is it, because you are sobbing down the phone trying to apologise (for what?) You should be getting to know him better, not trapped already in a horrid drama in which you are the guilty party. No wonder he has to do the hearts and letters and flowers thing, because he's quite nasty!

Please take the good advice, and do shield your little ones from this, if you are crying, they will see this and it's such a shame for this drama to come into everyone's lives.

I agree - please put your kids first, and rid your household immediately of this demanding, manipulative, controlling man.
Flowers and declarations of true love mean absolutely nothing, when after two months he sulks when your kids have to come first.
Imagine what this mindset of his will lead to?

You are already in tears and apologing for things you KNOW you should not be apologising for! It has been two months and he has this power over you already??!

OP - your kids DO come first. Get rid of him for fuck's sake!

GET

THE

FUCK

OUT

NOW!

You see this, you are here posting about it and it's in black and white.

The first WEEK you ought to have run.

Ditch the mobile number, the email, anyway he has of contacting you, and you him.

I mean it.

In a week or 2 you will be fine. We can all hold your hand in the meantime.

Yup, dump this loser. Remember it's PERFECTLY OK to dump someone that you simply don't want to date any more. You don't owe him anything. He is not entitled to have a relationship with you just because he wants to. You don't need to explain, discuss it, any of that crap, just 'This relationship isn''t working for me, sorry, bye.' While it might be a little different if you shared a home with someone or had DC with the person you want to be rid of ie you have to sort out finances/access/contact in such a case, this is not true here you can just bin him. It doesn't make you a bitch. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you.
And if he won't accept that he's dumped and won't go away, it's OK to involve the police if necessary, if he is on your doorstep howling or bombarding you with texts and emails after being dumped. You'll be fine. Just get rid.

My ex started like this ... I was so flattered and caught up in all his romantic gestures. However, he was/is a massive control freak.
I ended up a gibbering ,apologising wreck.
GET OUT NOW!

I would run for the hills. His behaviour has red flags written all over it, and it would be easier to get out now. The sulking because of you spending time with your children is ridiculous. Someone you date should enhance your life, not make unreasonable demands.

You might want to have a read of this article:

Warning signs that you're dating a Loser

nightvisionforwomen.com/loser.aspx

Especially this part:

Quick Attachment and Expression ~"The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

It's stupid, because I know, I mean I really know it's ridiculous, all the over the top love. But I'm still listening to it, and I'm still appreciative on some level.

I hate this evidence that I'm so needy!

Yesterday I could have ended it because he flounced off with a "You never cared about me at all! I don't want anything to do with you ever again!", and instead of locking the door behind him, I rang him and said "Come back and talk". And he did. So now it's all ok until the next time.

What is wrong with me? :(

I know you're all correct.
I need to get some backbone from somewhere.

The children haven't seen any of this, the way he behaves, but they have seen me cry.

I know you're all correct.
I need to get some backbone from somewhere.

The children haven't seen any of this, the way he behaves, but they have seen me cry.

Having a passionate, sometimes charming and good-looking guy telling you and seeming to demonstrate that only you really understand him, that he needs you, that he's so in love with you, that you have the power to make him feel great, that you mean the world to him is an amazing feeling and is addictive. However, you know that it's not real and you know that if you focus on all this hot air you're ignoring the truth and at risk of being manipulated and abused. You are not in control over the highs and lows - he is. You can't do anything to make him feel good all the time - it's not possible - you're right that there will soon be a next time. Your challenge is to break the habit - break your 'addiction' to the highs and lows that this kind of relationship brings. Once you've done that, I don't think you'll look back...but it does take a bit of work to stick at. You can kind of crave the 'excitement' initially but that does get easier and you'll feel better for it eventually. He'll survive fine without you. He'll move on to his next 'victim' - possibly has already started looking for one if he's got any sense that things might really be nearing the end with you.

You know this is the truth here, don't you ?

You have said it all yourself

Have a look at that excellent article...it also gives tips on how to detach yourself from such a man, and avoid making the same mistakes again