I'm in a new relationship with bad patterns and I can't make myself stop.

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I met a man on an online dating site. We met straight away, without chatting much, as he happened to mention he was at a function I was going to too, so we got on very well on that, our sort of first date, our second date we spent the entire weekend together and slept together. He said he could tell he could fall in love with me. Then our fourth date, he said he was in love with me. I felt it was a bit too soon, but we had been talking a lot, and I felt I could fall in love with him, so I didn't worry, but in hindsight maybe I should have. Then, it has been so so so full on. He says things to me that nobody has before, long letters, flowers, nobody has ever really done any of that for me before. I feel a bit like it is too much, too soon, sometimes, but it's intoxicating. He makes me feel so special when he's switched onto that role. I can't explain it. Like I'm beautiful. He's been here most evenings and every weekend. It has just all moved so quickly.

Then, the main worry I have now, is just that it's always, always drama. We've only been together for two months. If something happens with the children and I have to put them first, he sulks. The same with my work. I don't know, he's a successful man, normal, but I really feel he... overreacts a lot. And attributes the worst motives to me! I'm always having to apologise massively when I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I thought he was just sensitive, then I thought maybe I am a cold hearted bitch and I'm treating him terribly. But nobody has ever thought that before, surely it isn't me? I really really like him, that perhaps isn't coming across. But I've just had another day of me crying on the phone trying to explain that I wasn't trying to hurt him by doing something I felt was innocent and innocuous, and I sort of feel that it just isn't right.
No, I know it's not right, but I still feel like I ought to apologise to him and try to be better, and carry on. I want to say to him that he's acting ridiculously, so why do I hear myself saying sorry to him instead?

I need to figure out how to not keep picking men who end up being all wrong. I need to know how to be alone. I I feel like such a failure for ending up here again, and so sad. Maybe this should be in mental health. :(

Yesterday I could have ended it because he flounced off with a "You never cared about me at all! I don't want anything to do with you ever again!", and instead of locking the door behind him, I rang him and said "Come back and talk". And he did. So now it's all ok until the next time

And there WILL BE a next time - of that you can be assured!
When he says "You never cared about me at all! I don't want anything to do with you ever again!" he is waiting for you to protest and say "No I DO care about you, I DO! Please come back and let me apologise endlessly and work my socks off to please you!" even though you haven't done a damn thing wrong. He's got you dancing to his tune like a cat on a hot tin roof, in 2 months.

I hate to say this to you OP, but if you continue this relationship, then more fool you! He will not stop behaving this way - it will only escalate. He wants a victim, and right now, he's of the opinion that you will do. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want a partnership - all he seeks is to control.

He has done his groundwork with hearts and flowers, and now he will crush you.

He is a nasty, nasty, nasty piece of work! Ditch. Him. Now.

Yup. What they all said. Get rid.

Love, you can end the relationship

You can do it right now if you wish

You don't have to wait for an "opening" like he presented yesterday

You are in control of your own life

Red flags all over this one I'm afraid.

TRUST your instincts, they are there to protect you!

What AF says is right you know. You are not obliged to remain in any relationship that does not suit you, let alone one that's only 2 months in, and is already giving you this much grief!!

You can ring, text, email right this very moment and tell him it's over. You don't need an opening, you don't need to justify it, you owe him nothing. All you have to say is "This is not working for me....it is over"

Please do this, and in future, do not allow entry to your home to any random arsehole with a good line in schtick. Anyone can open their pie hole and declare undying love in a matter of weeks, but most of us take a hell of a lot longer to actually feel it.
Most evenings during the week, and every weekend only 2 months in, is totally excessive when there are children in your home - if it were me, a new boyfriend wouldn't be anywhere near my kids within two months - he is a virtual stranger!

NOW he has his feet under the table, he can forge ahead and take over your LIFE!
First stop - making sure HE is considered before the kids!

Surely to fuck you must see how twisted this all is!

End it. End it now.

It's confusing. He's too good for me in a lot of ways. Richer, more successful, a higher class, more educated. That sounds silly and shallow, and those things don't matter to me, but he is above me, in many ways. I don't know how else to explain it.

I know you're right.

No, you are above him

he is a weak, vain, controlling man

There is no status in that

OP, he's not too good for you in any ways...he's a needy, sulky, arrogant nightmare of a man who does not respect your time or affections and who does not respect a mother's commitment to her children. Please tell this guy to piss off and focus your love, affection and need to be needed on those who do really need you...your children. You will survive without this loser. He will survive without you. And you and your kids will be much better off for getting away from him. You do know what you need to do - feel the fear, do it and you'll be much better for it once you've done what you need to do.

Objectonly - I am short, dumpy and average looking. I have no career to speak of, and no money. I have no qualifications in anything worth mentioning, and have spent the last six years being a sahm. I can't afford to buy nice clothes, get my hair done regularly....and I come from a very working class background.

However - any bloke would be damn lucky to win my heart, because I am choosy. A PHD in being suave means fuck all to me. As does a classy suit or a flash car. He can have all the disposable income he likes....but if he's not up to scratch, he's off the list.

I do not view myself as being beneath anyone.

Neither are you. Don't feel like you are lucky to have him. You're not. So far he is proving that he's not worth shit.

don't hero worship a weak and controlling man because he has a good job and a bit of money

he uses that to treat you badly

you do realise you won't be the first or the last to have your head turned, don't you ?

he probably targeted you as a ? lonely and vulnerable single mum

you are meant to feel grateful he gives you the time of day, right ?

can't you see how imbalanced and damaging that is ?

frankly, you are doing yourself and your kids a dis-service to stay with him

any bloke who didn't understand my kids come first wouldn't last long

"Yesterday I could have ended it because he flounced off with a "You never cared about me at all! I don't want anything to do with you ever again!", and instead of locking the door behind him, I rang him and said "Come back and talk". And he did. So now it's all ok until the next time."

Don't beat yourself up for this.

The hardest thing in the world is giving it up. Took me YEARS, and in the end was the hardest thing I ever did, and by then I LOATHED him.

AF was privvy to how I was then, almost a year ago, she'll tell you that we all understand that even letting them go is just as hard as leaving.

The ONE thing you can take from this is that now you know that Letting Him Go IS what you know you ought to do. So the next time you see the chance, dig deep, really DEEP and just let him go. Don't make the call, DON'T call him back. Stay strong and focussed and find something you can focus on to get you through this. I promise you, once you DO let him go, you will feel utter relief.

We'll be here for you when you need us to be.

i always have to massively appoligise. why should you?

Yes, letting them go is just as hard as leaving

So, on that note...

I believe if you make it your decision to end it, rather than waiting for the next "opening" he gives you, it will do wonders for your self esteem in the long run

Hey hissy, you ok today ?

Get rid. Don't waste years of your life as I and others have done

In a bit of a trough as it happens AF, thanks for askin' but I'll get through it.

I think actually it can be good to take an opportunity like 'right I never want to see you again' to say 'OK, away you go'. That's empowering too. Also once you realise that you have the same set of options at any time you can bide your time and do it whenever you're ready. So, even if you don't end it now, you can tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.

It all sounds very similar to how things started with my DP, except I met him in real life and didn't have children at the time.

...3 years, 1 unplanned DC and 1 broken engagement later (I realised marriage would be a terrible idea) we're going into therapy this week but...if it weren't for our DC I (hope) I would have found the strength to end this long ago. I've certainly felt like ending it plenty of times.

get out while you can!

hissy, I thought you might have have one dainty foot draggin' a bit

hang on in there x

I'm aware that i'm being more acerbic than usual.. Mind you, only worry if I start being overly NICE! :)

oh god yeah, dread the niceness

it's ok hissy, acerbity is quite often required

Did it. Ended it. Just now.

I knew what everyone was saying was true. That's why I posted I think, just for someone to nudge me along and confirm what was there in my head was right.
I said I wouldn't contact him again and I blocked him from my Facebook, emails are set to go straight to junk. He can still text or ring, but I'm going to try to be strong and not look or answer.

I feel really relieved. Just a bit nervous of how he'll react.

:)

Well if he does anything other than fuck right off and stay fucked off, give him one warning that the police will be involved if he persists. And if he does persist, call the police (on the non-urgent number) and say you have requested no further contact from him, yet he is still phoning/texting/emailing. They will go and have a word with him. It's against the law to keep pestering someone who has told you to leave him/her alone.

Bloody good for you OP! Well done!

Trust me....in just a few weeks time, doing this is going to give you a feeling of high self esteem, of being in control of your own life, and not being the sort of person that needs to put up with shit like that!

Onwards and upwards!!

Brilliant OP Pleased for you.