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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found dating sites on boyfriends laptop, how do I react?

75 replies

Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:24

Stayed at boyfrend's house last night. He had to go to work early this morning and so left me in bed with a key. When I did get up I put on his laptop ( have my own prfile on it) and went to go and make a coffee. When I came back up the laptop had automatically logged into his profile. No probs, I just just thought I'd do what need to do on there rather than faffing. Anyway to cut long story short on his profle is excessive porn (I knew he liked porn but as he has trouble functioning in "normal" sex we agreed he would stop ths) and numerous datng sites. I logged nto the dating stes and he hasn't actually completed the profiles on them but he's still set them up which is bad enough and they were set up very recently. One was set up just days ago, the other a few weeks ago. So anyway he's at work so can't ask him about them so I'm considering leaving a note on top of his laptop just saying "Dating sites?? we need to talk, call me" or is this too leniant/dramatic? He always was funny about using his laptop in front of me and now I know why!! one time we needed drections somewhere and I said "just bring the map up on your laptop" and he was like "no no its ok, I'll do it on my phone" 20 minutes later the phone stll not managing it I said "laptop would be so much quicker!" and he just would not agree to put it on.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 15/01/2012 11:31

Oh I think you should do more than talk, I think you should drop him. He's just a boyfriend, you don't live together, cut your losses now. He's not worth trying to change.

Leverette · 15/01/2012 11:31

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Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:32

We had such a nice night too, been together ages so bit of a kick in the teeth really. Feel like I've just been a stand in until something better came along for him but am probably overeacting

OP posts:
Malificence · 15/01/2012 11:37

Get rid, life's too short to stay with a loser like this.

PattiMayor · 15/01/2012 11:37

Dump him - he's still using porn, despite the fact that he can't perform, and he's looking for a shag or to dump you.

Why would you stay with him? He's already proved he doesn't care about your feelings.

Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:38

I know he will say as he hasn't actually filled in the profles it proves he was never intending to use them but why join otherwise?? makes no sense.

OP posts:
Leverette · 15/01/2012 11:38

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Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:45

That's what I'm wondering too Leverette. At first our sex life was fne and then he started having trouble getting a erection and started saying he could get it up better if I go in certain positions and I did that for him but then found out about his porn obsession and noticed a lot of the videos he was watching involved these positions so I told him I felt like he was practicing his porn habit on me and he had to stop with the porn. Anyway he's had trouble getting an erection ever since and now has tablets for it but I do feel like he's become so used to the porn that normal sex doesn't do it for him now.

OP posts:
PattiMayor · 15/01/2012 11:47

Why even discuss it with him then? He's already ignored you once.

Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:49

I suppose there is no point Patti Sad I guess I just need a way of telling him I know what he's been doing as I won't see him again today. Don't know whether to leave a note on his laptop for when he gets home or text him whilst he's at work (but that will leave him stewing all day whilst at work and he's working at promotion at the moment, don't think I have the heart to do that)

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 15/01/2012 11:51

YOu blame the sex life on the porn, have you ever considered it might be you that does not turn him on?

kodachrome · 15/01/2012 11:54

You will never be able to trust this man. You know he'll probably talk you round with rot about not intending to fill in the profiles, but underneath you're always going to have the doubt. He's not trustworthy, he hasn't stuck to his word, you would be better off without him.

madaboutmadmen · 15/01/2012 11:54

Leave a note saying "good luck finding a new girlfriend on here" stuck to his
laptop. He should get the message.

madaboutmadmen · 15/01/2012 11:55

Fabby - what the hell was the point of that stupid comment?

Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:57

It's ok, i'm a namechanger and know about Fabby's mad moodswings lol I won't take offence.

OP posts:
PattiMayor · 15/01/2012 11:58

I like madabout's note. I would leave that, put the key through the letterbox and go and do something nice today. It's a beautiful day here :)

Tillly · 15/01/2012 12:03

It's -1 here Patti Grin
Oh, so fed up Sad I just text him saying I was going to use his laptop to check on work, he sent a panicked text back saying he didn't know where the charger was and it was playing up etc. I replied saying I'd found the charger and it was working fine - he replied saying "ok". can practically see him sweating cobs at work wonderng if his profile had logged in automatically.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2012 12:10

Tilly

What do you get out of this relationship now?. How long have you been his girlfriend?.

Frankly by staying with someone with a pron obsession/addiction (such men have real problems with intimacy) and a liking for dating wesbites you sell your own self short. Is this really what you want for you?.

Malificence · 15/01/2012 12:11

I'd leave a note suggesting he seeks help for his sexual inadequacy and porn addiction if has any hope of a decent relationship with a future partner.

Tillly · 15/01/2012 12:13

No Attila, see when he told me he'd stopped the porn I believed him and trusted that this was the case so this has knocked me a little as I thought we were ok. Then with the dating sites too and I've also just found he joined a livecam site which i assume requires interaction? Its just no good, all of it is wrong. I know I deserve better than this.

OP posts:
Malificence · 15/01/2012 12:13

should have read "if he wants any hope of a decent relationship".

You could waste years on this man.

TopazMortmain · 15/01/2012 12:23

You're on a roll tonight Fabby

Why so mean?

fergoose · 15/01/2012 12:24

I totally agree you are worth so much more and deserve so much better. He obviously won't change - or he could promise to stop but you will spend the rest of your time watching for signs or trying to find evidence. You won't be able to trust him after this ever surely?

And I know it is a cliche, but every day you waste on him you are losing the chance of spending that time with someone else who is nice to you and treats you properly.

HedleyLamarr · 15/01/2012 12:26

Just chuck him. Honest love, it won't get better.

BearWith · 15/01/2012 12:27

Agree with Mal. Just cut your losses, life is too short. Singledom is infinitely better than putting with with this sort of shit.