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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found dating sites on boyfriends laptop, how do I react?

75 replies

Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:24

Stayed at boyfrend's house last night. He had to go to work early this morning and so left me in bed with a key. When I did get up I put on his laptop ( have my own prfile on it) and went to go and make a coffee. When I came back up the laptop had automatically logged into his profile. No probs, I just just thought I'd do what need to do on there rather than faffing. Anyway to cut long story short on his profle is excessive porn (I knew he liked porn but as he has trouble functioning in "normal" sex we agreed he would stop ths) and numerous datng sites. I logged nto the dating stes and he hasn't actually completed the profiles on them but he's still set them up which is bad enough and they were set up very recently. One was set up just days ago, the other a few weeks ago. So anyway he's at work so can't ask him about them so I'm considering leaving a note on top of his laptop just saying "Dating sites?? we need to talk, call me" or is this too leniant/dramatic? He always was funny about using his laptop in front of me and now I know why!! one time we needed drections somewhere and I said "just bring the map up on your laptop" and he was like "no no its ok, I'll do it on my phone" 20 minutes later the phone stll not managing it I said "laptop would be so much quicker!" and he just would not agree to put it on.

OP posts:
Tillly · 15/01/2012 18:16

Ok he says he joined the dating sites to find his friend's profile. Loada shite

OP posts:
TwoPeasOnePod · 15/01/2012 18:18

Men who go on dating sites whilst in a relationship are liars and are looking to cheat. No two ways about it. I am almost 29wks preg with our 3rd child, two other DDs, and I just found out the man I thought I could love/trust has signed up to dating and no-strings sex websites over christmas, PLUS downloaded rape and fisting porn amongst other things. I have a thread about it in Relationships too, called Found a file on Partners PC (sorry dont know how to link it) But it could be relevant for you, because it has a lot of posters' opinions on the damage normal porn can do, let alone the disgusting utterly wrong stuff my 'D'p is apparently into Angry
So the advice I'd give you, being as i am in a similar situation? DON'T waste another second of your time on this prick. Apologies aren't even necessary from him ultimately, all that matters is you. Trying to tell myself this, oh and raise my self esteem while I'm at it.

Hattytown · 15/01/2012 18:21

So a combination of excuse 1 and 2 as per my post above then?

I do wish they'd get a bit more inventive in their excuses, these twats....Hmm

myTHINyear · 15/01/2012 18:24

I wonder if he is my ex .. he did exactly the same thing, I wasn't as brave as you and I bottled it up for 6 months and believed his lies.
When I gave him an ultimatum he chose porn (really weird teenage porn) I was devastated really gutted for a few months but then I started going to the gym and met my non-porn-using DP and were still together 2 years later very happy.
Just saying this because there is a future for you. Good luck I hope you are stronger than me.

Tillly · 15/01/2012 18:24

Well I know he's lying now because I just asked him why he filled in all the details if that's all he was doing. His reply was that it wouldn't let him search otherwise. Bullshit because the site was pof and DOES let you search without being a member because I've just done it.

OP posts:
Doha · 15/01/2012 18:27

well tell him you know he is a lying twat and dump him. Enough of the games.

tallwivglasses · 15/01/2012 18:33

Tell him his excuses are as sad as his little limp dick, then move on. You can do SO much better than him x

MortaIWombat · 15/01/2012 18:43

So tell him he just blew his one chance to come clean , and to fuck off.

Job done.

PattiMayor · 15/01/2012 18:43

Just say 'well that's a fucking lie. goodbye' and pull the plug on the conversation.

Don't dignify him with a conversation, he doesn't deserve one

gobbledegoop · 15/01/2012 18:46

Why are you even giving him time to make up all these lies?

Leverette · 15/01/2012 18:48

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thenightsky · 15/01/2012 18:55

if he was looking for his mate's profile, he'd have made up a fake ID as a woman.

Newtothisstuff · 15/01/2012 18:56

You should have done what I did with my then bf.. Set up pages on the sites and honey trapped the bastard !! You will never trust him again !! Make him beg for a week or so then kick him to the kerb !!!

Tillly · 15/01/2012 18:58

That's exactly what I said NightSky. I also said to him "How come you didn't do one search of the men's profiles?" (I didn't know this, it was a lucky guess!) so he's now started with the "I'm sorry, I love you, it was a one off, I was just curious to see if I would know anyone on it blah blah blah")

What a load of crap! if you were looking for someone for even just curious to see if you knew anyone you would set up a fake profile! you wouldn't fill in all the details truthfully and acurately

OP posts:
Doha · 15/01/2012 19:04

And.............

scottishmummy · 15/01/2012 21:05

what you going to do
2nd chance or sling him?

FabbyChic · 15/01/2012 21:09

POF will only let you search a few pages before asking you to sign up, and you have to fill in so much of the profile too before it lets you search properly, so sorry he is telling the truth there.

FabbyChic · 15/01/2012 21:10

Try searching more than four pages, four pages of more or less the same profiles it then comes up with a register page, done it myself today, try doing the profile without writing X amount and it wont let you go any further.

Hattytown · 15/01/2012 22:44

Back to excuse 1 now I see.....

You are going to dump him aren't you?

FetchezLaVache · 15/01/2012 23:48

That may be true, Fabby, but it still doesn't explain why he filled in his real details rather than a made-up identity, and it doesn't explain why he says he only joined to look at his friend's profile but then didn't look at his friend's profile.

OP, don't waver!

lisaro · 15/01/2012 23:55

It's a shame you didn't fill in his details for him Grin

tallwivglasses · 16/01/2012 00:41

She's a-wavering Sad

BayPolar · 16/01/2012 02:08

Don't waver!
Kick him to the kerb.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 16/01/2012 03:42

O come on, Tillly, you can do a lot better than a lying piece of lowlife who can't even get it up without pornographic images of other men and women flooding his mind.

Incidentally, your situation is markedly different to that of TwoPeas whose dp, going purely on what she has said on her thread, is not addicted to, or can be considered as an habitual user of, pornography.

Nevertheless, her thread has at the time of writing produced numerous predictably hysterical responses because the subject of pornography can be an extremely emotive issue.

BayPolar · 16/01/2012 06:07

For me, the watching of porn is a big deal breaker and one of the reasons I love my guy is because he doesn't watch it/think about it.
I don't know what I'd do if I had to start looking for another man again. They all seem to be into porn these days and I absolutely will not put up with it so I guess I'd wind up being a spinster should I become single.

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