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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found dating sites on boyfriends laptop, how do I react?

75 replies

Tillly · 15/01/2012 11:24

Stayed at boyfrend's house last night. He had to go to work early this morning and so left me in bed with a key. When I did get up I put on his laptop ( have my own prfile on it) and went to go and make a coffee. When I came back up the laptop had automatically logged into his profile. No probs, I just just thought I'd do what need to do on there rather than faffing. Anyway to cut long story short on his profle is excessive porn (I knew he liked porn but as he has trouble functioning in "normal" sex we agreed he would stop ths) and numerous datng sites. I logged nto the dating stes and he hasn't actually completed the profiles on them but he's still set them up which is bad enough and they were set up very recently. One was set up just days ago, the other a few weeks ago. So anyway he's at work so can't ask him about them so I'm considering leaving a note on top of his laptop just saying "Dating sites?? we need to talk, call me" or is this too leniant/dramatic? He always was funny about using his laptop in front of me and now I know why!! one time we needed drections somewhere and I said "just bring the map up on your laptop" and he was like "no no its ok, I'll do it on my phone" 20 minutes later the phone stll not managing it I said "laptop would be so much quicker!" and he just would not agree to put it on.

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Tillly · 15/01/2012 14:10

Well I'm home now Sad I couldn't just leave it without saying anything (my own sanity) so I left a little scrap of paper on the laptop with a 'sad' face drawn on and a note saying "We need to talk". Sounds a bit wet doesn't it, probably should have been a tad more assertive but it reflected how I felt at the time I suppose. In my mind it's all over now anyway but I'd like to at least hear what he has to say. I'm curious as to whether he will simply never contact me again (cowards way out) or try and justify it or worse - play dumb and ask me what's wrong when he gets in from work. I'll update if I hear from him anyway. He gets home about 4.30 tonight.

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scottishmummy · 15/01/2012 14:18

Dearie me,hes no catch is he
Sling him
Moooove on, met nice guy who doesn't need scuddie movies to get it up
Don't waste any more time or effort on him

Doha · 15/01/2012 14:18

Tilly you know now what kind of man your (D)p is and it is not nice. There is nothing he can say and no excuses that he can give you to expain what you found on his computer.
What you saw was exactly what you saw--a man heavily into porn and dating sites. He is not that into you. You can't give him what he seeks and that is no reflection on you at all, just a reflection on what a sad loser he is.
Quit while you are ahead, walk away with you head held high and be relieved that you discovered this now and not years down the line.

scottishmummy · 15/01/2012 14:20

God yes your note was passive and non direct,and a wee face.oh dear
Are you annoyed or what?
Need to talk is hey can you remember put heating onto timed it's getting colder.not you've got a scuddie habit and im fucking furious

Tillly · 15/01/2012 14:24

I'm more upset than angry that I trusted him even though my insticts told me not to and he's done it again. I feel so worthless, he probably sees me as nothing more than a doll to practice his porn on. Wish I'd never wrote that stupid note though Sad should have done what someone else mentioned and put "good luck finding a new girlfriend on here". Missed my chance now, put the keys through the door and can't get back in.

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scottishmummy · 15/01/2012 14:27

Compose yourself,it's a straight continue see him
Yes or no
The note is irrelevant

JuliaScurr · 15/01/2012 14:28

OP - you have done what you could at the time to look after yourself in a situation where you were understandably upset. Now you can start planning the rest of your life on your own terms. You're doing great, coming on here to get support and a cllearer view of your situation. Well done Smile

madaboutmadmen · 15/01/2012 14:36

Don't worry about the note, just give yourself the respect you deserve and deal with this situation once and for all. You'll feel like a weight has been lifted after a bit I'm sure.

kodachrome · 15/01/2012 14:36

In my mind it's all over now anyway but I'd like to at least hear what he has to say.

Truth is, you're dying for him to give you an out from ending the relationship by some sort of excuse/explanation you can hang your hat on. While I understand (really I do) don't let yourself go down that route, you will only regret it. Don't bother with having him explain himself or doing the big talk. Just cut him out.

frankie76 · 15/01/2012 14:38

I bet he will try and justify it later! Because I think your note gave him the opener to do this!

madaboutmadmen · 15/01/2012 14:46

agree with kodachrome, imagine trying to end it for the same reason in a couple of years and there's marriage / house / kids potentially involved. it's easy now on a practical level, if not emotionally.

Hattytown · 15/01/2012 14:59

I can guarantee that if you give him any agency at all, he will claim one of the following:

  1. I was only curious

  2. I was doing it for my mate

  3. My mate entered my profile as a wind-up

  4. Several of us did it as a joke

None of which, in the history of human relationships, has ever been the REAL reason for a man looking at dating sites.

You were right first time. He's looking for someone to try out the porn he's watched.

Just bin him and find a real bloke who doesn't need porn.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 15/01/2012 15:14

I feel so worthless

It's not you who's worthless, honey, it's him.

You sound far too intelligent to waste any more time on this particular lost cause.

Cut yourself loose and look to find a man who is not afflicted with an impoverished imagination.

Award yourself some time to recover from the knowledge that this man is a deceitful lying lowlife and then give consideration to placing a cosmic order for a man who is worthy of you - he's out there and he's waiting for you to enhance his life in the same way he'll enhance yours.

jenny60 · 15/01/2012 15:51

Christ flabby, why do you hit out at people so often? You need to sort yourself out and stop taking out your own issues on people who are looking for help.

OP: whatever you think about the porn, he is a lier who is, at best, thinking about cheating. I think all sensible people will agree that that is unacceptable. Leave him and get back your peace of mind.

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 15/01/2012 16:08

Oh ignore Fabby's comments, I always do, mad old crow!

Leverette · 15/01/2012 17:21

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Tillly · 15/01/2012 17:25

He text me about half an hour ago asking "what's up? :( "

I've not replied to that yet. Not really sure what to say now.

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kodachrome · 15/01/2012 17:28

How about: I found you'd joined a load of dating sites recently and have been lying about your porn consumption, so you are chucked. Ta ra.

scottishmummy · 15/01/2012 17:32

Look he minimising and no big deal
Now its up to you to decide,what to do
Either
1.Be soppy and accept his apologies and baby baby he is so sorry.and forever more wonder is he at it again....

  1. Cut loses, move on.garner support from pals.thank christ you found out now.rather than few kids and few years down line,when harder to go.more complicated
Leverette · 15/01/2012 17:33

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MsLillyBeth · 15/01/2012 17:44

I wouldn't bother with texts; they are awkward and not very useful to converse. Too easy to lie. Either call him or ideally speak to him face to face.

tallwivglasses · 15/01/2012 18:05

Aw Tilly he knows what's up. Coward Angry

Looks like he's going fore damage limitation - hoping you discovered only the porn or only the dating sites...

Tillly · 15/01/2012 18:07

That's what I'm thinking tallwivglasses. I'm talking to him now via skype (didn't trust my voice on the phone) and I'm keeping it vague about what's up. I've just said when the battery runs out on the laptop and then you plug it back in it tends to refresh back to the last thing you were doing. He's gone very quiet - probably wonder what the hell I've found and hoping it's not "all" of it

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Hattytown · 15/01/2012 18:11

Why are you being vague?

Just tell him that you've got higher self-esteem than to stay in a relationship with a lying porn addict who's trying to be unfaithful.

You have, haven't you?

Tillly · 15/01/2012 18:13

I've just told him everything, porn.dating sites etc. Will see what he says

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