Major row with best mate

[LovelyLizzie]

Not sure if relationships is the right place for this but it can be moved if need be.
Best mate phones me up tonight all upset. The story is thus:
She's been dating a bloke in his twenties for the last six months (she's 38). tonight both her and her DS of four come down with major tummy bug. She phones DS's father but he's out of the country and can't help. She doesn't really have any close friends of family where she lives so in desperation she calls the boyf.
Boyf comes over, puts her to bed with a bowl and some water. A short time later she gets up and goes to the bathroom where DS is standing in a shallow bath and boyf is rubbing his bum crack.
She goes nuclear. Boyf says he had an accident and he didn't want to bother her as she is so sick. OK bit silly but he's not a parent and has very little experience of children. She throws him out.
I tell her that perhaps he was just trying to help and she is now not speaking to me either.
Is she over reacting or am I just a crap parent?
Lizzie

If she doesn't trust her boyfriend with her ds, then I'd go with her instincts and what she saw rather than second guessing her.

I wouldn't even do that to DD's bum let alone expect anyone else to. Shower hose and a flannel for accidents like that.

Maybe he was just trying to help, but if she didn't like what she saw then that's her right to ask him to leave. Hopefully she'll talk to him about it and sort things out. I'd just give her some space for now.

Well given that she knew the DS had a tummy bug I think she's probably overreacting massively. After all, how would you deal with a 4-year-old who had shat himself other than putting him in a bath and cleaning him up? And, you know, a kid who has shat himself would need his bum crack cleaning.

Is your mate particularly sensitive to abuse issues, or has she just been reading too much rubbish in the Daily Mail about single mothers being targeted by the Peedafil Army?

Well you weren't there so perhaps she didn't want to hear the benefit of the doubt !

Think you should let her calm down but I really can't blame her

He certainly overstepped the mark there, whatever his intentions. She needed a heads up at least, to decide for herself. But you only said "perhaps", no? If it were me I'd text her something neutralish/supportive and just say you didn't mean to question her judgement or something. She is poorly of course. She might see things differently in a day or two. But DON'T SAY THAT TO HER!!!

You've not done anything wrong, she's poorly and has hopefully over racted

But there's no point promoting a relationship in which the woman doesn't trust the bloke with her son, so I'd support the friend even if I thought it was OTT. Not worth the risk, and not worth losing the friendship.

I wash my ds's bum with my hand in the bath, my DH does it as he comes from a country where they wash with hand after the toilet. My instinct on reading that was that yes, she overreacted and the bloke was just helping her out and dealing with it. It really doesn't sound dodgy to me.

My DS is 4. If me and DS had noro and someone voluntarily cleaned him up I'd give him a medal. Agree with SGB - are there other issues?

Thanks all. Will certainly send her a text as suggested by Flanelle.

I do feel a bit crap now, but she is massively paranoid about men around her kids so I guess that was in the back of my mind.
Will see how it goes......

"Boyf says he had an accident"

If there's evidence of this (sheets/PJs etc) then yes she's massively overreacting.

But is does sound as if she rather doesn't trust him.

Sounds like they are both better off out of the situation.

Rubbing his bum crack with what? Flannel, sponge, bar of soap? If the child was in a 'standing' there's a strong possibility that your friend overreacted.

Hopefully, this will be the case and she'll realise that she went into one for nothing as soon as she starts to feel better. Neverthless, I would have thought that her relationship with her young bf is blown.

'standing' position

I feel sorry for the boyf - he's in his 20s and presumably doesn't want to spend his weekend clearing up after a 4yo with diarrhoea, but he does it for your friend, and then she bawls him out and effectively makes out he's a pervert. If I was him, I'd run for the hills tbh.

Okay, you are asking for advice about your relationship with your mate, rather than opinions about what the incident may or may not have meant, right?

She and her DS have just been really ill, which can make a person feel quite vulnerable, especially when they don't have anyone on hand to help apart from a newish boyfriend. She might not have expected you to agree with her, but she probably couldn't handle any opposition in her current state - a listening ear would have been better. I would send her a text or email saying that you underestimated how upset she was feeling and offer to help out in some way. Leave all opinions on the bf out of it. I imagine that's ended now anyway.

Thanks all. I sent her a text and she rang me back. She'd calmed down a bit.
More facts - the bum was being rubbed with bare hand BUT I know she doesn't like flannels or sponges as she thinks they harbour germs.
PJs and sheets had been put in washing machine by boyf.
I tried to offer her some support, I really did, but then the conversation gets around to "well we all know what you're like with your kids" i.e. the fact that last year I had a gay male childminder which she didn't approve of.
Don't think I can salvage this now. I'm in bits, I have so few friends.

Crap mum and crap mate

That's me feeling like a crap mum BTW, not her

Well she sounds a bit OTT and generally freakish. Just urgh at the anti gay...

I don't think you're a crap mate or mum from what you've said. But you and she are not suited. And that's not a bad reflection on you, necessarily .

Spike is right, it's not you. You sound lovely, she clearly has trust issues at the least. And the anti gay thing is just horrible.

totally agree with solidgoldbrass, Iwantmyhatback and others - if my boyf came over to help out with norovirus, and cleaned my ds up, washed his sheets and gave him a bath - with whatever that entailed to get him clean, he would deserve a medal. seriously. of course you would have to wash that area properly if he had had such an accident (which is v likely given the stomach bug).

so, yes, it's not you, it's her.

From what you describe, in your OP and later post, she seems to be on the wrong side of protective.

The nasty comment on your parenting is uncalled for, and TBH her DS is more likely to be harmed by her bigoted attitude than anything else.

Try not to dwell, her issues should not make you feel like a crap mum or crap mate x