Major row with best mate

[LovelyLizzie]

Not sure if relationships is the right place for this but it can be moved if need be.
Best mate phones me up tonight all upset. The story is thus:
She's been dating a bloke in his twenties for the last six months (she's 38). tonight both her and her DS of four come down with major tummy bug. She phones DS's father but he's out of the country and can't help. She doesn't really have any close friends of family where she lives so in desperation she calls the boyf.
Boyf comes over, puts her to bed with a bowl and some water. A short time later she gets up and goes to the bathroom where DS is standing in a shallow bath and boyf is rubbing his bum crack.
She goes nuclear. Boyf says he had an accident and he didn't want to bother her as she is so sick. OK bit silly but he's not a parent and has very little experience of children. She throws him out.
I tell her that perhaps he was just trying to help and she is now not speaking to me either.
Is she over reacting or am I just a crap parent?
Lizzie

I just soap my dd (also 4) around the bottom or get her to do it.I don't use flannels there because then I'd have to boil wash them. It sounds innocent to me, toddler in bath,sheets in wash, etc, he sounds kind and practical. But dating with a small child must be hard and scary so I suppose I can understand her panicking,esp if he is a newish boyf.

oh dear, based on your last post she sounds horrible and unlikely to have anyone to call on in a crisis before long.

No mate is better than a crap mate, honey. If she's making judgements of the type you've described you'll be better off without her as her kind will always either bring you down or put you down.

so every gay man is now a paedophile? wtf?? she is OTT.

I would imagine he was probably trying to be helpful but being young and having no kids of his own he was probably a bit out of his comfort zone (Im thinking of my brother who is in his 20's and how he would react), saw the child was soiled, couldnt find flannel/sponge but felt he couldn't leave him in that state so did the best he could.
Why would she call him in the first place if she didn't want him to help?

Your not a crap mum because your childminder happened to be male and gay and your not a bad friend. Her comment was completely unnecessary and if I were you I would probably be questioning how good a friend she is, especially if she bahaves that way a lot.

You just know if he'd done any different she'd be on here posting about how she was too ill to get up to be sick in the toilet but her boyfriend dragged her out of bed because he didn't want to clean her son's mucky bum...

Your mate is a cow.

First she calls her boyfriend in to help. When he actually helps, she goes nuclear. What a nutter.

What grown woman needs a man to "put her to bed" with a bowl?

Her bf, on the other hand, sounds like gold dust, to come and help with somebody else s child who has noro virus.

If she did not trust him, she should not actually called him to help!

I am in my early 20s and if I helped look after a small child with D+V I would definatly give them a wash if needed and I would probably go nuclear back at them if they suggested something 'untoward' had happened. How dare she?!

Thhink of all the women on here complaining they get no help. The way all men are treated like they are perverts if they are remotly interested in looking after children is really really disturbing.

Tardisjumper: I don't think 'all men' are treated like perverts on here, lots of posters have been saying this woman sounds pretty unreasonable. It's not like the bloke decided out of the blue to give the child a bath (which would have been a bit strange given that he doesn't know much about DC and doesn't know this one very well) - he came round to help look after the sick child and the sick mother, having been asked to do so.

Her boyfriend and you have had a lucky escape. Her poor DS

I think it's impossible to know whether or not she was overreacting particularly as you weren't there - from the discription it sounds ok but.....sadly some adults are inappropriate with children - he certainly may not have been but maybe she felt she had good reason to react like she did. If she's usually a good friend then I would say sorry, you were only trying to help and leave it there. I can definitely see your pov but it's one of those situations where you can't get involved imho.

ummm DS1 is bisexual, ds2 & 3 have not, to date, stated their sexual preferences (being 3 and 7) , ex DP is heterosexual as am I and DS1's partner. I don't believe our sexual orientations impact on out abilities to childcare as we are not paedophiles and I trust these people, and me, to care for my children.

This is a trust issue.

If she had a trust issue with her bf she shouldn't have put herself or her children or bf in a vulnerable position.

Exactly what I was thinking, Snoopdogg - and she can't be that protective/paranoid if she lets a man she doesn't 100% trust in her house when her kids are there.

TBH it sounds like either the woman is a paranoid nasty bitch (after all, first she invites the bloke round to look after her DC and then has a peedafil-panic) or she's extra-sensitive about inappropriate behaviour due to past traumas of her own.

The telling line is her dig at you or having a gay childminder - makes me think there is something in her past. Either that or she is completely loony!!!

If a 20s bloke was willing to come and clean up sick and shit for a woman he'd only been with 6 months AND her child, I'd say he was lovely. It all sounds like he was trying to let her rest.

She sounds very paranoid :(

but she is massively paranoid about men around her kids

Well obviously she isn't, or has her priorities wrong as she was happy to go bed & leave him with her son.

If she doesn't like flannels, then maybe there was nothing the boyf could use to wipe the child other than bare hand. So sounds to me like she was over-reacting but neither of you are privy to the guy's thoughts. I do think it's wrong for her then to question your parenting!

Blimey, I wouldn't think twice about cleaning a little childs bum crack with my hand if they had an accident! And I'm a mother myself.

I think this bloke sounds like a gem - I don't know many childless men in their 20s that would just take control and help like that. I thought at first she was just being ridiculous, but then the dig about the gay childminder... why do you want to still be friends with her exactly?

She sounds like a cow. You're well rid of her. And you sound nice and thoughtful, I'm sure you'll find some friends who actually deserve you.

When I was only 18 I was babysitting for a friends daughter, who had a weak bowel and sometimes didn't make it to the toilet, I popped her in the shower, cleaned her up and never thought another thing about it, until now, and yes I would do it again and wouldn't be at all happy to be accused of something untoward :(
Maybe in a few days she'll contact you and apologise for being rude when she's had time to calm down and think about it :(

Gosh. Well perhaps the BF should have mentioned first that the DS had had an accident but to go the whole hog and put the PJs and bedclothes in the washing machine seems an awful lot of hard work for a cover-up job, so I'm guessing he was genuine.

If she's that paranoid, she shouldn't have had him around in the first place; and if he was genuine and she's that paranoid then he at least is well off out of it!

As for her throwing accusations at you, well that's either because she's paranoid, or because she's feeling guilty at over-reacting and is offloading onto you because you pointed out that she's over-reacting. Seems like you're best off out of it as well, tbh - no one needs a "friend" who is going to criticise their parental decisions and think they are better than you. That's not a friend.

I'm sure you can find better people than her to be friends with, honestly. :)

Your mate sounds extremely paranoid! The poor bloke, he sounds a diamond, putting her to bed and then looking after her 4 year old only to be doing accused of doing something untoward.

As for yourself, you are better off without her. She sounds petty and selfish. Why do you want to keep the friendship? For her herself or because you dont have many friends in general? Its not about the quantity of friends, its the quality. You sound as though you have some self esteem issues as well, with your 'crap mum, crap mate' comment. You dont need friends that put you down.

The op is not back. Is this a reversed aibu?

Hi All
Sorry have been too busy being a parent to post on mumsnet!
Spoke to my friend today, she appologised for her remark about the gay childminder but rather worryingly said she didn't really trust any strange men around her kid (I didn't point out that she'd left him with a man she'd only known for six months as it wouldn't have been helpful and I didn't want another row).
Anyway, we seem to be OK for now but I am wondering whether it is worth it.

The boyfriend seems to have run for the hills, but she hasn't tried to contact him either.
Thanks to everyone who put their two pence worth in!
Lizzie