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Original poster

just been on date 4... what you you think of this?

56 replies

chocolatepuff · 14/01/2012 11:15

met a lovely guy, he's kind, funny, good in bed.. So yesterday was date 4. It is his birthday soon so i'd said i'd go over to his and cook him a meal, which i did. Bought round a bottle of cava too. had a lovely afternoon. we went to the pub before going our separate ways for the evening (i was meeting some friends as was he) and i arrived at the bar first and so ended up buying him a drink! Ok that felt a bit cheeky.. its not chivalry im after really, but i think its common decency for him to buy me a drink after i'd bought and cooked his lunch.. anyway as we were finishing our drinks i spotted a table becoming free so i suggested we sit down, to which he replied he would have to scoot. so no chance of reciprocating the drink either. felt very cheeky. god ive just realised from writing it down, he's not that into me is he? or just a bit selfish. what do you think / what would you do??

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/01/2012 11:17

It's one drink. I'd let it go and see what happens over next few weeks!

Sandalwood · 14/01/2012 11:17

Isn't it just unfortunate you got there first?

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 14/01/2012 11:22

yeah maybe you're right.. i find it hard not to be super aware of every detail in the beginning! and i know i over analyse way too much. thank you

OP posts:
bigshinydinosaur · 14/01/2012 11:39

I am an analyser and have learnt from recent experiences NOT to read too much into things. You got there first and you bought a drink....I realy don't think it's that big a deal to be honest.

You were both meeting friends, probably just bad timing that he had to go.

Really, don't worry or you'll druve yourself mad. Concentrate on the good afternoon and look forward to your next date.

OnlyWantsOne · 14/01/2012 11:41

I really wouldnt read much into it - and see how things pan out.

relax, it will make everything better I promise ;)

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 14/01/2012 12:05

thanks guys. wow very enlightening to get different perspective! i assumed you'd all say 'dump, he's not interested' but i think that's my defense mechanism kicking in, i was very hurt in last relationship.
im going to really try and be 'relaxed' (honestly the word is alien to me!) about it all and not over think things. feels impossible but im very keen to change.

OP posts:
Flanelle · 14/01/2012 12:47

Not sure I'd be sleeping with someone if I still felt so vulnerable about what every little thing meant, but then I am a pretty slow worker.

Hardgoing · 14/01/2012 12:50

It might have been pretty natural to buy him a drink first as it was his birthday! I wouldn't see this as bigger than it is- if he's stingy, then you will know about it soon enough.

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2012 12:50

I agree with Flanelle. You sound a bit vulnerable and if I were you I'd hold off on sleeping with someone until I knew him better.

About the drinks - what's he been like on the other dates? Is he generous? Is he caring?

TooEasilyTempted · 14/01/2012 12:53

You got to the bar first.

It was one drink.

You both had plans for later on and he had to leave - bad timing.

If you're going to over analyse every tiny little thing then you're not going to enjoy dating very much. Relax!

hatesponge · 14/01/2012 12:59

OK, I am the queen of overthinking but often it isn't that helpful to overthink and analyse everything. Sometimes men (and women) just do things without any other motive.

In this case, yes he could be a tight arse. But presumably you would have noticed that on the first 3 dates? And him having to scoot off - well you knew he had other plans already, not like he got a text whilst you were having a drink, jumped up and said 'oh forgot I'm meant to be meeting Jim at the pub, see you later' and buggered off. Now that would have been a bit off.

So, relax, go with the flow. Think less and enjoy it all more (and I know this is FAR FAR easier said than done!)

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 14/01/2012 13:20

Thanks all. Sometimes I think I may b too vulnerable to be sleeping with / dating. V useful to have mumsnet to reign in my analysis! When he asked me out it felt exciting, and like I couldn't turn down the opportunity for male attention. (yes yes dad ishoo's. I'm working on it in counselling)

He is caring and on past dates we have done rounds. I can see it was nothing now.
I can't really go back to no sex now though can I?! It's done and I feel I need that intimacy.

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 14/01/2012 13:57

Well, hopefully he will buy the first drink on your next date and prove he's not mean .

CamberwickGreen · 14/01/2012 14:44

personally i wouldnt sleep with someone after meeting them 2 or 3 times but thats your decision

it was his birthday, he probably thought you were treating him to the drink before going your separate ways

but yes, i agree, he doesnt really seem that into you - if he was he would have been more keen to stay longer - imo

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/01/2012 15:02

who bought the food for the last three dates?
Do you go dutch, he buys a meal then you buy a meal?
you said that you got there first, do you always get there first?

lazarusb · 14/01/2012 17:52

Re: the sex, you could tell him you want to slow it down for a bit. Just because you've slept with him before now doesn't mean you owe it to him. Do it when you're ready.

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 20:31

Look, having sex with someone because you fancy the person and want to have sex will make NO difference to whether or not that person is an arse. Will all you tight-knickered maniacs lay off the OP?
A man who only 'respects' you if you padlock your fanjo for weeks is a man who is not worth having in the first place.

yellowraincoat · 14/01/2012 20:42

Oh what is with all the "pretend you don't want to fuck him for a bit" crap? Jesus.

OP, you are over-thinking this. You bought him a drink. That's all. There is no message inherent.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 14/01/2012 20:59

On past dates it's been pretty equal in terms of paying for stuff, and no I havent always got to the bar first. Can see I've totally over thought this now. Thank goodness for u lot!
With the sex thing - I didn't think I would sleep with him so quickly, purely because I didn't feel good about my post baby body ( not got any moral reasons) but I felt very comfortable with him. And it was good!
I think I'm just getting too emotionally involved in him, have a tendency to do this and I know I need to back off.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 14/01/2012 21:07

hmm, don't like the sound of constant going Dutch - if a man is very keen he wants to treat you - unless you insist on sharing , which is fair enough in the beginning, but if he never offered to buy you dinner, it's not that great - might be not a generous-hearted person, it's not about a free meal as such.

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 22:29

Unless one person earns masses more than the other, WTF is wrong with sharing the costs of your social life?

AbbyAbsinthe · 14/01/2012 22:35

Oooh, I disagree with that completely. We're all independent adults, aren't we? Hmm You wouldn't expect your mate to pay for you both if you went out for a meal, would you?

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 14/01/2012 22:38

tonneofbricks so do you reckon a man is only into you if he treats you/pays for more?
For me - it would be nice to be bought drinks but I also think I might feel a bit wierd about it.. Like there's an expectation to give something back. I feel happy and more in control going dutch. More equal.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 14/01/2012 22:40

Totally disagree, tonneofbricks. Me and my partner were both skint students when we met and went dutch on everything. I think it's made our relationship better actually, because there's no expectation that he should be providing for me.

Not sure why we still have this bollocks about men paying for dinner and stuff all the time. We all have our own money these days, don't we?

brdgrl · 14/01/2012 22:57

I firmly believe that people should take turns paying, so that it works out roughly equal, with the following exceptions:

If Person A has loads more money than Person B, Person A should contribute more - but Person B should never take this for granted, and must still make a resonable effort to reciprocate.

If it is Person A's birthday, graduation, celebration of promotion, or drowning of sorrows, Person B pays. And vice versa.

If Person A has invited Person B to accompany him or her to a family function, career networking event, or ridiculous personal hobby - Person A pays.

No exceptions based on gender or expectation of sexual activity.