How do I get over this.

[Lifeinmess]

I've name changed for this as I don't want anyone to recognise me. My h had an affair last year that had been going on for quite some time. I found hidden texts on his phone. I was slowly coming to terms with what he did and we have been working hard at repairing our marriage. I still had up and down days but we had been getting on much better in the last couple of months. I cannot forgive him but I was prepared to move on. I still check his phone and emails as I still cannot trust.

3 days ago I found emails from him to her saying that he missed her. He says that he doesn't know why he emailed her and cannot give me answers. I rang the ow and she says that there is nothing going on. She hadn't replied to any of the emails. I've thrown him out for the time being, but i just don't know what to believe. The worst thing is that they still work at the same place. I love him and want to try to make the marriage work. We're going to meet up tomorrow but im just so hurt and angry. What do I say to him to find out the truth.

I don't know how you get over this, am so sorry. You chose to give him another chance and he's thrown it back at you. He e-mailed her because he is missing her - he said so in his e-mail. If he's thinking about her, and missing her, he is emotionally separated from you:(

I think if you are intent in repairing this - If I was in this situatation, the minimum would be change jobs and NO further contact. But TBH I wouldn't give him another chance that would be it for me:(

So sorry x

You did the right thing in throwing him out. Well done. His behaviour does not determine your worth.

So sorry you are in this pain. Don't meet up, he will just lie. And more lies hurt.

Please don't meet up. It's all drama that distracts him from HIMSELF. He needs some space to not react to anything. Except his own inner emptiness that he is filling by USING TWO women. Don't do it. Stay away.

I do feel for you. Your DH needs to be determined to win you back and as said before, that means no contact with the ow. He knows this I'm sure. Yes, he probably does miss her (or the heady feeling having an illicit romance gave him) But, so what? Sadly, you will probably never trust him again now. Mine had an affair almost 3 years ago and has had no contact with her (despite her trying) and has done everything to fix our marriage and yet, I still don't trust him 100%. At least she didn't answer his emails which shows (hopefully) she has come to her senses even if he hasn't.

I'm just so hurt and angry. He says he never loved her but I'm so unsure now.

Well, he could be telling the truth as I said last post, often they are simply addicted to the feeling the affair gives not the person. I don't know. He has a lot of work to do to win you back.

It may have been an attention/ego thing. It may have "just" been sex, Does it matter? What matters is whatever his reasons/motivation - what it says about his feelings/respect for you?

xxx

You have the truth.

He e-mailed her because he wanted to be in touch with and he missed her.

Why do you believe he carried on a long relationship with a woman he didn't love?

That he would claim that (true or not) says nothing good about him.

You shouldn't trust him, he's a proven liar who clearly isn't even trying to be honest with you.

Saying he doesn't know why he got in touch with her is basically saying he can't be arsed having the conversation with you.

Why do you think you have to get over this?

You don't.

You have choices.

About the least attractive of which is trying to pretend his obvious lies are the truth.

You deserve better op. how dare he continue to cause this pain to you.

Time to move on, so sorry x

Im sorry for you. I think your best option is to get professional help, marriage counselling or relate - these are people who see this everyday and if you love him then you really must give it your best shot before you walk away. Not only will they help you deal with the distrust, but help him see why his risks his marriage. Best of luck

He does know why he E mailed her, but he doesn't want to admit it.

Beware believing what the OW says too, she might have her own reasons for insisting there's nothing going on and there might be a crafty lie of omission there i.e. she didn't reply to the E mails, but has sent texts and seen him out of work. If she's also married, she might be doubly careful about what she admits to you.

I would tell him your marriage is finished and see what he's prepared to do to win you back, but over a very long period of separation. Or cut to the chase and decide that if he hasn't got this now he never will - and you're better off out of it.

I don't know why people think affairs are always about sex.

OP, you have seen it with your own eyes. He misses her.

I think most people don't admit they love the other person because they know that's the statement that will end a marriage.

The thing is that you can't end another relationship. You may want it to stop, but no matter what you do, the feelings exist. His physical relationship with her ended because they were found out. His emotional relationship with her didn't finish.

I wouldn't have him back now. It's not that you can't trust him (though you can't) it's because his relationship with her isn't over. It stopped temporarily out of fear of losing you, but now it's stronger than his fear. It doesn't matter if she reciprocates - it's what he feels that matters.

Agree with every word athing says.

There is only one reason he would tell her he misses her: because he does.

How long was the relationship? In all likelihood he loved her if it was long term, in which case he has lied to you and if he didn't love her then that in itself would be strange.

Why are you so keen to try and work this out? what are you getting out of being with someone whose head is elsewhere?

I think lots of women believe men's affairs are about sex, because the stereotype is that men can have sex without there being any feelings involved. And that women can't, which is also untrue. Cheating men often play up to this stereotype after being found out, because they think that their wives will forgive them using another woman for sex, but not having feelings for her. Strange morals there, really!

I just want to know the truth. I want to save my marriage but I can't get passed that he still misses the ow. I feel like I want to confront ow and to try and have it out with her. The affair was going on for a year. I just don't want to throw my marriage away if it was only a couple of emails, but I can't get out of my head that he misses her, every time I look at him im wondering if he's thinking about her.

You know the truth.

He had an affair that he wishes wasn't over.

You wouldn't be "throwing your marriage away", it sounds like he discarded it in all but name ages ago.

It also wouldn't be over "e-mail" but over his attempt to resume his affair while pretending to work on your marriage.

Your real options are

1 ending your marriage (not necessarily forever, but don't tell him that)

2 accepting his continued extra-marital dalliance (and probably others in the future)

The option you seem to want to pursue, of uncovering some deeply hidden "truth" that will reveal that the affair meant nothing and that he is deeply committed to you and only you, and always has been, isn't really there.

You do have the truth.

It's not just 'a couple of emails' - that's a redundant way to look at it if you think about it - every email is 'just' an email- its what they say that counts!

You shouldn't get past the fact that he misses her, that's exactly what is unacceptable if the marriage is to continue- that he misses her, thinks about her, is not fully committed to you instead.

You know what you need to know. Well done on getting him out. I would now put your energies into starting to move on. This man is a cheat and not worth having.

Why do you want to confront the OW?
Your problem is with your DH.
Saying you want to "have it out with her" makes it sound as though you're trying to shift the blame from him.
He's the one who sent the e-mails saying he misses her.
As others have said, you already know the truth.

He's not committed to trying to save your marriage. Sorry.

What use would it be "having it out" with the OW? Seriously what could you possibly achieve?

Best case she will tell you that your DH has been contacting her, she has ignored him and you will know he is still chasing after someone from whom he is no long getting any encouragement.

Worst case she will tell you exactly what their relationship entailed.

Neither of those scenarios are going to make you feel any better.

I suggest you let him do most of the talking tomorrow. If he agrees to cut contact with ow and have couples theraphy then there is a slight chance.

No I know he is to blame, I feel like if I talk to ow I can get a better understanding of what really has gone on. I just don't trust what he says. I know she probably wont tell me anyway. My mind is just in chaos. Feels like my whole world has fallen apart.

Life, talking to ow will only put her in a position of power and importance. She is not. She is a 'bit player' in your relationship. Leave her out and concentrate on you and what you want . She is your H's issue.
I hope you have someone in RL to talk to, who knows both you and your H and can advise you too. Good luck.

Did you both either have counselling. or do alot of talking/reading/thinking after the affair?

Something you said in the first post- you still havnt forgiven him- seems relevant to me.

I found out last year my h was unfaithful (internet only) but with alot of women, over a 5 year period.We went to Relate, and are stilling doing alot of work on the relationship.

I love this website, and its materials on forgiveness are good. And there is alot of stuff there on the critical importance of cutting all contact with OW, and on what it really means to accept blame- which allows you to forgive.

It is a real concern that he has contacted her at all, and even that they work together- the latter too would have been unacceptable to me personally.

Learning to trust again is hard enough as it is.

OP you can stay and try to work things out with your H but how do you feel about being his second choice. He is with you and misses her. It sounds like if she replied he would start the affair again.
You and your relationship are not enough for him. He doesn't want to work on the relationship.
Do not email/contact the OW as you can't believe a word she says good or bad.
The issue is with your H and it is pretty clear that he has lost your trust for the second time.
Cheat once shame on him, cheat (or attempted) twice shame on you.
Let him go OP and start to move on with your head held high, you gave him a second chance abd he has blown it.

What website is that? @fiveenthree.

I'm so, so sorry but I totally agree with AThingInYourLife.

The affair may well be over but your H is still thinking about her & missing her. If he actually wasn't missing her then he would never have sent the e-mails saying he was. If it were me, I'd be thinking about what response he hoped to get from her - he must have wanted her to reply & say she was missing him too.

I understand why you want to save your marriage but, on the facts you've given, it does sound as though your H's heart is elsewhere. I'm afraid I couldn't live with that knowledge, whether you can only you can decide.