How do I get over this.

[Lifeinmess]

I've name changed for this as I don't want anyone to recognise me. My h had an affair last year that had been going on for quite some time. I found hidden texts on his phone. I was slowly coming to terms with what he did and we have been working hard at repairing our marriage. I still had up and down days but we had been getting on much better in the last couple of months. I cannot forgive him but I was prepared to move on. I still check his phone and emails as I still cannot trust.

3 days ago I found emails from him to her saying that he missed her. He says that he doesn't know why he emailed her and cannot give me answers. I rang the ow and she says that there is nothing going on. She hadn't replied to any of the emails. I've thrown him out for the time being, but i just don't know what to believe. The worst thing is that they still work at the same place. I love him and want to try to make the marriage work. We're going to meet up tomorrow but im just so hurt and angry. What do I say to him to find out the truth.

How long is it since the affair ended OP?

It ended in June. So it's been well over six months. That's how I feel like I'm second best. He says I'm not and says that it's me he wants. I go from absolutely hating him to wanting him to come home. I feel like I can't think straight.

When my long term partner cheated on me, he came back, we tried to make a go of things and it took me a while to notice that he was heartbroken, not at hurting me and ripping our family apart, but because he missed his other woman. They sort of go through a grieving process and this is very hard for the first partner to witness. We never did get over it and went our separate ways. (She finished their relationship by smashing a bottle in his face so he left me for a really classy bird!)

If the relationship is not just about sex but feelings develop, in my opinion, this is the real deal breaker! Wish you all the best OP.

I would definitely want to hold off making any decisions until things were very clear in my mind. It's important that, whatever decision you end up making, you take as much time as you need to do so. As time goes by, the hurt will ease a bit and make way for rational thinking. Wishing you all the best & may I offer you some ?

I was in a similar position to you last year. H has had individual counselling to understand why he did what he did and found this hugely helpful.
My H is now well aware that I judge him on his actions and not his words. He is also aware that any contact with OW (We live in same town) will result in my divorcing him.
Like you, I still find the trust thing hard - check phone, emails etc... I hate feeling the need to. H says he is happy that I do as he is 100% confident he has nothing to hide. This is how transparent your H needs to be.
As for OW, you are worth 100 of her. She is a proven liar and cheat so why would you trust anything she tells you? I intially contacted OW when I found out - I also told her husband what she had been up to - all I got from her was lie after lie as she was trying to save her own backside.
I really do understand how you feel right now but please be strong and remember you deserve far better than this.

I've been there. Tried to forgive and then he started it up again. Do you really want to get over this? For me, after a while, divorce looked easier. And divorce,though terrible, is a million times better than being with a lying cheat.

But if you do want to get over it and rebuild, then you probably have to be very tough indeed. And if he doesn't want to get over it, then you have no chance. It sounds awfully harsh and it is but there's no alternative. He's involved with another woman.

I agree with concentrate. As soon as my DH's affair was discovered the bubble burst and he realised she was not at all special, just a sad, lonely, immature person. His feelings for her evaporated. Especially, as she showed no respect at all for his decision to work on his marriage by continuing to try and contact him. Your H's ow, by contrast, appears to have moved on (by not answering his emails) and it's your H who is the problem.
Are you communicating with him ? Where is he?

He is staying at his parents. Yes we're talking, well me crying and shouting at him. He says that he has no feelings for her, but I just don't believe him.

Yes, my H and OW turned on each other once I found out and her H found out. They blamed each other and the bubble well and truly burst with H telling her that he regretted the whole thing, couldn't believe he had risked everything for nothing and that she was effing delusional. It was an horrendous time for all involved. But I am now confident that H and OW do not want each other and that the whole thing was a wake up call. OW doesn't want to lose her H anymore than H wants to lose me.

I am not sure what would happen if this was not the case.

Very difficult to know what's really going on in his mind.
Is he willing to have Therapy? Stay at his parents? To give you a chance to clear your head, calm down and work out what YOU really want.
Do you have DCs? If so, how old? And are they aware of what's gong on?
(sorry for all the questions)

What's he done since June to help him understand why he did this? Did he go for any therapy or read anything? Has he been willing to talk and answer questions? Why does he think he had an affair? What 'agreements' did you have about him continuing to work with her and has he been looking for a different place to work? Did anyone at work know about their affair?

Lots of questions I know, but it might help you to guage how far he's come since June - and why he is still able to lie so easily about both contacting her and having feelings for her.

And that's how scarlet (and myself) could move on. The foundation for rebuilding is absolutely no contact with the ow.

He has no feeling for her what utter bullshit. Why would he be emailing her saying he missed her then.
That is laughable anad pathetic. Does he think you are a fool OP?????

We haven't talked about therapy, but I will bring this up with him tomorrow. Yes he's staying at his parents until I can think clearly. My children are primary school aged. They think he's away on a works trip.

He said that it was a casual fling and they didn't have sex that often during the year. I found hundreds of text messages to her when I went through his bills in June. He blamed it on a mid life crisis and he felt flattered by the attention. I dont think anyone knew at work, well that's what he told me. They don't work directly together, but are obviously in the same building.

Whatever he told you was almost certainly dishonest. Maybe not a lie from start to finish but definitely containing lies. Don't bother trying to figure out what he means or asking the OW what she thought was going on. Decide what you want and whether you think it can be achieved and is worth working for.

So reading between the lines, in addition to not having any therapy and continuing to work with her/making no efforts not to, he hasn't shifted his position since he was caught like a rabbit in the headlights in June and would do anything other than analyse his own behaviour?

No wonder you checked his E mails.

I think if you suggest he gets therapy tomorrow, he'll see it as another chance. I think he needs to believe that you tried your best, but he didn't meet you halfway and now he's lost you for good.

Even if you're not sure that he has.

So, the affair ended 6 months ago but he continued to see her 'as a friend' ? So , if you are to even consider giving him a third(!?) chance he must stop all contact with her, no excuses, as they don't work directly together it can be done, my H works with exow and hardly ever sees her and when he does politely avoids her (hates seeing her, reminds him of how foolish he was)

That's the thing that goes through my mind. He says they have no contact at work and I believed him. But how would I really know, I don't work there. He could tell me anything. Im going to ask him to ask him to find a new job, but this could take months.

So sorry for you, OP. This must be awful. He IS lying to you; he says he has no feelings for her yet texted the OW, months after the relationship ended, to tell her that he missed her. You have the truth right there. He is disrespectful to you and your marriage and he's a cheat. Try to put the OW out of your mind, she's irrelevant and to give her words or thoughts credence is to make her of importance to your marriage - she isn't relevant, it's between you and your husband.

It might be the hardest thing for you to realise the truth, OP, but it's the truth that will set you free.

In your position, I think I'd want him to stay at his parents' home whilst I gathered my thoughts and decided what I wanted to do about the relationship. It doesn't matter what he wants, your relationship with him is not foremost on his mind, is it? Cheeky bastard... it's not even the first time. So angry for you.

Do all you can to safeguard you, your children and even more importantly, OP, your sense of worth. His endorsement of you means absolutely n-o-t-h-i-n-g and having see you in pieces when you first found out, to do it to you again shows that he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Don't be lonely, OP, there are many people here who have been through this and similar and can give you great advice.

x-posted with you, OP.

You won't know, that's the thing. You won't be able to trust him, he continues to lie and misdirect you. I wouldn't ask him to do a thing except stay away for now... see what efforts he will make for you and your marriage when the pressure is OFF him, not when he's got you nipping at his heels.

I really wish you well and much courage and strength for what lies ahead, whatever you decide to do.

Don't let him back home, he needs to see what he's missing. Did you say the ow is married/in a relationship?
He has taken you for granted.

Yes she is married, but don't know if they are still together as I rang ow husband back in june when I first found out.

And what did he say?

Not a lot. He hadn't got a clue. I haven't spoken to him since.