Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I left my husband and now he is having a breakdown

86 replies

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 22:27

I told my husband two months ago that I wanted to leave him and I left two weeks ago. But he seems to be having a total breakdown. He is crying all the time and vomiting and not sleeping or eating for days. He is having psychological assessments and taking sedatives.

He was emotionally abusive and having left, I feel really happy. But I feel really awful watching him suffering so much. He keeps telling me that I have done this to him and humiliated him and he can't survive without me.

He refused to leave the house and refused to let me have the children any more than 45% of the time (so he can be the resident parent). But still he keeps saying that I have left with him nothing and I had no right to leave.

How long is it going to take him to move on and start recovering? Even after two months, he seems to be getting worse and worse. What can I do?

OP posts:

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 13/01/2012 22:33

For starters you can get your dc the hell out of his 'care' and let the emotionally abusive and manipulative twat get on with his 'breakdown'.

Seriously, your dc shouldn't be witness to this kind of behaviour from one of their parents. Protect your dc first and don't bother to worry about him afterwards.

babyhammock · 13/01/2012 22:35

He's still being incredibly emotionally abusive, so please don't let him reel you in with this bullcrap. Infact this is vetry typical abusive man behaviour when their partner leaves them, but it must be awful for you.

Don't let the 45% situation continue either, it sounds like he's just using the dc to get to you tbh.

Think about what you want and try to engage with him as little as possible. Have you read the Lundi book?

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 22:35

Where are the dc whilst he is crying? Who is looking after them whilst he is sedated? And having assessments?

Get them with you.

babyhammock · 13/01/2012 22:36

Yes what Izzy said...get the DC's away from him asap

Original poster

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 22:41

He seems to be fine when the DC are around. He can control himself. Although I don't doubt that he is falling to pieces, although he is very controlling about how he does it. He has lost two stone and looks awful.

I have read the Lundy book, it's by my bed right now! But I still feel really bad about the state he is in. He was always very dependent on me. What will happen to him?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 13/01/2012 22:44

You are not responsible. It is sad but he is an adult and he has to deal with it. He will do it a whole lot quicker if you don't get involved. I would say it is a control issue and he is still being emotionally abusive by piling his problem onto you.

exoticfruits · 13/01/2012 22:46

People don't die of a broken heart. I was a sudden widow, there is no second chance. I lost weight and was a mess. I sorted myself out-you have to. He has to and he can-it may take time-suggest outside agencies to him.

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 22:46

Well if you have noticed, chances are the dc will have

How old are they?

ouryve · 13/01/2012 22:48

I'm lucky I didn't have DC at the time, but I made a total clean break with my ex with no face to face contact because I knew he'd pull this sort of shit on me.

I'd be concerned about your kids spending any time with him unsupervised if he's falling apart that much. I'm afraid he can't play the falling apart at the seams card along with the having equal parenting card - if he wants the lion's share of care of the kids, he has to prove that he's up to it mentally (ie he needs to drop the histrionics) and going to be acting in their best interests.

Original poster

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 22:50

DC are under 10.

Thanks for your advice.... I feel really guilty about it all and he keeps reminding me that it was my decision that has broken up the family etc. and this is why he is in the state he is in.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 13/01/2012 22:51

Look, he's either going totally hatstand, shit-the-bed lost it and should be in a locked ward or something or he's putting it on in order to make you feel guilty. My money would be on the latter. If you remotely suspect the former, the DC should not be in his care unsupervised. And if you suspect the latter, involving the professionals in order to reduce contact for DC's sake will be best for them and might make him backpedal a bit.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 22:52

Dont be guilty. He is putting on a performance for you, just in order for you to feel guilty.

He seems to be playing into your hands though, as you could reasonably argue that he cant be fit to look after the kids, (especially not if he is taking sedatives!!!) so you need to get the kids out of there.

Start divorce proceedings so you can divide the assets asap.

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 22:53

I suppose if we reversed it and a woman was having the breakdown, then we wouldn't all be telling her to hand the dc over to the man who left her, would we? Just pondering it all a bit!!

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 22:56

It is different though, if he is engineering a break down to guilt trip her and reel her back in!

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 22:57

How would he fool the professionals? It may well be genuine, but look at the facts. He has list weight, looks rough, undergoing assessment, got medication....

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 22:58

Crying, vomiting, not sleeping.....op, is he an actor?

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 22:58

In which case the kids may still be better off with the op, who is thriving, wouldn't you say?

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 22:59

Op, how do you know he is crying or vomiting, has he told you? Have the kids told you? Have you witnessed it?

He is still an abusive twat, and you should not consider going back just because he is reacting badly to the breakup!

Original poster

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 23:04

He is crying all the time, mutual friends have told me and I've seen him, although he swears he hasn't done it in front of the DC. He's told me he is vomiting and he has lost weight. I don't doubt that he is genuinely falling to pieces.

OP posts:

ike1 · 13/01/2012 23:04

No I dont necessarily think its acting. But I DO THINK you should put the child benefit in your name ASAP and have the kids with you at least 5 days a week. DO IT NOW, op.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 23:06

So, he is clearly not fit to look after the kids as much as he is now, whatever he says to you.

toptramp · 13/01/2012 23:07

Unless you have seen him vomiting I would be very sceptical. OP- you seriously wouldn't get back with this manipulative arse would you? No, no, no, no, noooooooo! He needs to get a grip and fast but it is not your job to do this for him.

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 23:07

Does he have RL family/support/friends?

Homestart? HV?

Original poster

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 23:08

I am worried that if I ask for the children more often, it will make him worse.

Why is he so DEPENDENT? When we've split in the past (because I threw him out because of infidelity) I was FINE. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 23:09

He doesn't really have many friends and no family support. His friends were supportive to start with but they seem to be a bit annoyed with him now and think he should be handling it better. I don't think they know what to do with him so they are avoiding him.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4