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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I left my husband and now he is having a breakdown

86 replies

thebighouse · 13/01/2012 22:27

I told my husband two months ago that I wanted to leave him and I left two weeks ago. But he seems to be having a total breakdown. He is crying all the time and vomiting and not sleeping or eating for days. He is having psychological assessments and taking sedatives.

He was emotionally abusive and having left, I feel really happy. But I feel really awful watching him suffering so much. He keeps telling me that I have done this to him and humiliated him and he can't survive without me.

He refused to leave the house and refused to let me have the children any more than 45% of the time (so he can be the resident parent). But still he keeps saying that I have left with him nothing and I had no right to leave.

How long is it going to take him to move on and start recovering? Even after two months, he seems to be getting worse and worse. What can I do?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 13/01/2012 23:11

Because he's a knob, OP. That's why. He's a whinyarsed attention-seeker, and he's doing the DC no favours. Involve the professionals, say you're worried for his mental health and that he's not fit to look after them at the moment.
And bear in mind that you binned him because he's abusive. If he was really a devastated victim of wicked adultery, he would be doing his best to seek help from other people to hold it together, not whining at you and performing in front of the DC.

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 23:13

Maybe give him a deadline? A period of time, 2 weeks? And he needs to have shown some improvement or you will be looking at re assessing the arrangements?

I have been in a similiar situation with my own wx h, but the dc were with me 100%. it does pass

But can I ask? Has he shown any suicidal tendencies before? Spoken about it etc?

foolonthehill · 13/01/2012 23:15

If he's genuinely falling apart he can't look after the children, and if he is EA then he may be falling apart because he has lost control over you...or he may be EA because he has an underlying psych condition.

In any case sounds like he needs to see the professionals and the children need to be given a stable home to thrive in. If he gets it back together then consider where the DCs would be best off......but guilt you don't need..you have reasons not to be with him, real, good reasons which he gave you over years. If any one did this to him then it is he himself who is to "blame". If he wanted you to stay then he should have treated you with respect, love and care.

all the best..see you in the other place House

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 23:15

Sgb.... He isn't a victim of adultery and is already under asessment

mrspnut · 13/01/2012 23:17

He's continuing to emotionally abuse you, and he will keep doing it because he thinks that it will make you feel so guilty that you'll move back in and be even more under his control.

He is responsible for him and if he is not managing his mental health then he should not be having the children unsupervised.

Have you spoken to anyone at women's aid about your situation?

exoticfruits · 13/01/2012 23:19

I don't doubt that he is genuine but he is responsible for his own emotions-don't let him put the blame on you. Just tell him that you are sorry he feels the way that he does and suggest he goes to his GP.

spenditwisely · 13/01/2012 23:19

Is he really capable of looking after your children? I'd get them the hell out of there and move a very long way away. He will be worrying them with his manipulative self-pity. He's falling to pieces because he's lost control, that's all. He doesn't care about them or you.

babyhammock · 13/01/2012 23:27

This is an act. You know what he's like and he hasn't just developed into a deeply sensitive soul trust me. He's upset because he's lost control of you and is trying every trick in the book to get it back.

He's using your DC too, screw him and get them back where you know they are safe.
If he didn't want to be on his own he should have behaved like a decent human being before and judging by his behaviour now he clearly hasn't changed one bit and isn't the least bit sorry.

He made his bed by being an abusive nasty twat so let him lie in it

slowburner · 13/01/2012 23:29

I rarely post but was in a similar situation many years ago, thankfully without children. My exOH was manipulative beyond my imaginings, stole money then said I owed him, turned the power off so my alarm clock didn't work and i missed college (he said i was too stupid to go), threw me down the stairs, ran me a bath of scalding water. When i left he had friends tell me he was poorly, been in a fight, come off his bike, been beaten up etc, as soon as I went back it would be ten times worst. One day i snapped. while he was at work I hired a van, I took all of my things, I left. Somehow he found me and I ended up bruised and shaken but determined.

The reason I tell you this was because while I was seeing him i went back to his parents for weekends, I was taken to one side by his mother on one occasion and told that sometimes women needed to listen to their men or they would be punished. His brother ended up doing a stretch for fraud and assault. Their fathers behaviour had clearly had an effect on both men. I'm not excusing him, he was an abusive bully, but I think he saw too much form his parents relationship.

Get your children out of his care, he clearly isn't able to cope, record him telling you he is so sick, losing weight not sleeping, then get some legal advice. Good luck.

ouryve · 13/01/2012 23:33

You shouldn't be worrying about him getting worse - that's his problem to deal with and I'm sure he's got mates and family who can help him pick up the pieces. Your first thought should be where the kids are best off. Tough shit if he can't handle that.

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 23:36

Op , perhaps children's services could get involved?

spenditwisely · 13/01/2012 23:48

I'm stunned at the 45% shared parenting situation. Is that a legal arrangement? Is there anything you can do to change it?

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 13/01/2012 23:49

It's not a question of 'asking' for the dc more often.

It's a question of removing them from his care by not returning them to him because, given his emotionally overwrought state, you are fearful of their welfare and wellbeing.

If he suddenly gets his arse in gear and institutes legal proceedings for residency it'll be an indication that he's faking a 'breakdown' - and it's surprisingly easy to fool medics in the short term and in the longterm Olympia.

As for his weight loss, have a rummage in his bin sometime - he's probably been on Dietchef.

windsorTides · 13/01/2012 23:50

I'm a bit puzzled about your threads on here OP. There often seems to be a salient piece of information missed out, or added.

I hadn't seen any mentions of you splitting up in the past because of his infidelity, for example.

And I can't see any mention here of the fact that you have been having a relationship with a married man, who left his wife for you.

What doesn't seem to change though is that your husband was the primary carer before you left the relationship.

I think before posters jump to conclusions about this man pulling a fast one and 'staging' a breakdown, there are numerous threads on this board chronicling women in similar positions to the OP's H. Women who've been left by a man having an affair - and are the main carers for their children. It's not unusual in their situation to be on the edge of a breakdown and to lose the plot in the early months. It's also not unusual for them to feel very absorbed with their loss and for the children to lose out on their undivided attention, for a while.

Respondents to their threads never suggest they hand over the care of the children to the departing spouse.

I've seen what you've written on threads about your exH being abusive to you OP and the behaviour you described sounded horrendous. But you decided to leave and really, it's up to his own family and friends to support him now. A lot of what's been reported about him and the stuff you've noticed yourself sounds pretty normal to me for someone who has lost their marriage, even if their own behaviour contributed to the breakdown.

I'd try to focus on the kids really and unless he becomes incapable of looking after them, this might just be a time thing while he gets used to losing you. It might be worth having a back-up plan with your work so that you can step into the role of primary carer, if he becomes unable to function as a parent, but if it's only been two weeks since you left, I'd be inclined to cut him a bit of slack.

MayaAngelCool · 13/01/2012 23:52

"I feel really guilty about it all and he keeps reminding me that it was my decision that has broken up the family"

Well you can stop that right NOW. It was HIS decision to be a manipulative emotional abuser, not yours.

Tsk.

FabbyChic · 13/01/2012 23:53

Windsor speaks wise words and is spot on

AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 23:55

You may have left him but the emotional abuse hasn't stopped

Is this contact arrangement legally-binding ?

I suggest you get something official in place...and I doubt that would consist of leaving your dc in the main care of someone who continues to abuse his partner

who decided on "45%" ? that is a very precise figure...he has investigated this hasn't he ?

I think you are going to get fucked over very soon, OP

he may be "having a breakdown" but I think he is the canny one here

wake up, love

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 23:55

Windsor, I was a lone voice til you rocked up!

Well said!

AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 23:57

blimey

ignore my last post and listen to wT who know the back story here

except it seems clear you are not listening, and have no intention of doing so

so this is all academic really

AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 23:58

knows

GypsyMoth · 13/01/2012 23:59

He was/is the main carer and has been for some time, courts like to keep the status quo in absence of welfare issues. Are these welfare issues? By the time it gets to court and a cafcass officer is appointed he will have got his act together, so the dc will remain.

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 00:04

Windsor, if he's been 'horrendously' abusing her, then I think having an affair and binning him is an entirely justified course of action. A lot of people with abusive partners only escape by having an affair.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 14/01/2012 00:05

Here's some of the back story: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1348232-I-want-to-leave-my-husband-for-someone-else

Seems to me that this man's emotional abuse ground you down and that you've continued to let him walk over you.

If you can't summons the energy to fight for yourself, at least make an attempt to get it together and fight for the best interests of your dc.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 14/01/2012 00:06

Dang - forgot to convert links again: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1348232-I-want-to-leave-my-husband-for-someone-else

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 00:08

Windsor, this man is a woman-hating, bullying, emotionally blackmailing arsehole from the op's other threads. He got drunk and tried to rape her friend. He blamed that on her. Are you such a raving monogamist that you can't see beyond 'Waa, waa, someone's Had An Affair' and get your head round the idea that the person who breaches monogamy is actually the victim trying to escape from a bad person?

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