So fed up of being told to F**K OFF!

[colditz]

I have hardly been able to open my mouth today without being told to F**k off by p. 2 year old ds has just been trashing bathroom, so I shouted upstairs "If you put him in his room while you fill the bath, he can't trash thing"

His reply?

"F**k off!"

Nice. Really nice. My son is learning that when mummy says something we don't agree with, we tell her to f**k off.

I can understand why you don't want any extra upheaval at the moment colditz, but I just thought I'd post to say that I had emergency housing from my local authority (some years ago now) and although a B&B was threatened, I ended up in really quite a nice 2 bed flat until I was permanently housed in a new 3 bed house. Housing advisors are trained to try and put you off (to weed out people claiming to be homeless who aren't really). So perhaps when you are ready to leave, bear this in mind.

You can't stay with that bastard forever

Colditz - really sorry that you are enduring this . It sounds miserable. I don't know much about it, just that you had had to call the police because of a violent incident.

He won't magically change - but maybe your counselling will help give you strategies for changing the pattern in some way, and I wish you the best of luck with that.

I am sure your ds does love his daddy, but...children expereincing emotional abuse or insecurity are often ver clingy. If I getthis right, I think that because children believe that any anger by parents is their fault, they then bellieve that the parenst might not love them, or might want to leave them. So get v anxious about separation.
I'm not saying that's what's happening with your DS, you know him ans what is going on, but it is a common phenomenum.

I just feel sad that your p is being so horrible to you.

Colditz, sorry to hear you are having a seriously bad day. Unfortunately, your partner is coming across very badly recently. He seems not to care that much about how he treats you. Maybe we are just hearing about all the bad stuff and inbetween times he is the God of Luuuurve, rubbing your tired toes and bringing you hot tea & toast in bed. Somehow, I doubt that.
Nobody deserves to be told to fuck off in their own home in front of their child, it shows such complete disrespect for you. You made a helpful suggestion, its not like you were picking a row.
I think alot of MNers are making a good point that you should be looking to the future and squirreling away whatever cash you can lay your hands on in a private bank account, so that if you need to leave him in a hurry at some point, then you could do with more than the money in your handbag.
In the short-term I hope the counselling helps.

Too right Bugsy, we are not criticising you Colditz, we are just so concerned for you being in such a negative environment, maybe not now, myabe not this year, but soon, you will be able to cope and think ahead.
can help I would.
Take care
xxxxxxxxxx

God Colditz, I am so sorry life is so hard for you right now.

I do believe you that ds loves his daddy. But from your posts, his daddy isn't providing the love that ds needs from a father. He isn't providing security, stability or respect.

Maybe, if you were to leave ? not tomorrow, necessarily ? it would actually force your dp to shape up as a parent. Maybe he'd behave differently towards ds when he saw him.

FWIW, my parents had a very destructive relationship. No physical violence but terrible rows, where they would be so intent on verbally throwing everything they could dredge up at each other that they wouldn't even notice we were there, desperately begging them to stop. My father was also very verbally aggressive towards my mother ? used to 'tease' her by encouraging us to call her Cruella De Ville (she has black hair and smokes). Of course, as small children, we didn't understand what on earth this was about. Now the idea of dh encouraging ds to call me awful names makes me shudder.

When they got divorced, it was very, very sad and traumatic. But a lot better than living in the middle of that marriage, believe me. And my dad did start to want to spend time with us (had been taking us completely for granted before).

If my parents had stayed together, we'd have been a lot better off financially. But God knows what would have become of us.

Colditz I think I do understand some of the pressure you and DP are going through with your working. DP and I both work shifts and this month we have one day off with each other. Possibly two if he delays leaving for a day (which I think he will actually). On that one day we plan to do carpet cleaning.

What I am trying to say is living your life like this isn't easy. DP and I seem to muddle along, but our relationship definately does suffer. We haven't been out together since the start of Sept and are a young couple. We have no spare cash to go out for a nice lunch somewhere anymore. We dash to the food shopping between night shifts.

ATM, our life stands to change in a few months as we are relocating and plan to use a childminder for two of my shifts a week. In a 3 month period that will give us 5 proper days off with each other. So I am just getting through it. But TBH, I don't feel close to DP. One of us is always tired or snappy, if not both of us. We argue and get at each other, quite a bit tbh.

We also have substantial debt problems but relocating should be a fresh start for the both of us and I hope that we will resolve them.

However, DP is not, fundamentally a nasty bloke. In many ways your DP sounds as though he could be. And although I am not trying to excuse his behaviour, I wonder how much of this is down to the pressure of your busy lives? You are both working full time aren't you? I was going to suggest trying to find ways to finance childcare, but of course you are shortly to have another.

Has your DP expressed any wish to change with regards to his spending and blatant disregard for his families security? DP has mountains of debt, but at this stage he would never let it be so he could not afford the rent. That smacks of someone who is totally unprepared to have a family tbh.

I seem to have gone round in complete circles here. What I am trying to say is that some allowance should be made for moods and snapping with the pressures your lifestyle brings. But there is no excuse for blowing all the families cash down the bookies or whatever. I can't see that you are going to make this man a good un.

You are all right. I know I have to leave him, but at the risk of sounding like a stereotypical abused woman....

I do nag, a lot, and I do critisize a lot. That doesn't escuse hlf of what he does, but some of it is as a reaction to my behavior, which can be critical, mardy and demanding. I spend a lot of time being unreasonable because I am so angry at him for his behavior since December.

It seems ridiculous to walk out because I have been sworn at.

Although my very existance is currently being blanked because we have just had a row.

He does want this baby, very much, he shows a complete lack of interest in the pregnancy but he did with ds too.

And I am in the East Midlands, sorry for not replying.

PS I don't think anyone would dream of suggesting you are a bad mother. You aren't. You are just in an incredibly difficult situation.

I knew you were East Midlands because of the word 'mardy'!

I'm also in East Midlands Colditz
Lincs

In p's defence also, he has handed over his bank cards to me, and I now give him an 'allowance' (I hate that word for adults) as he has recognised his overspending as uncontrolable by himself.

Flossam, yes that is exactly the life we lead, and I am finding my job hideously hard atm, am going on mat leave at 32 weeks pregnant. The pressure is definately a contributing factor.

I think also when I post in a temper about him, he sounds worse than he is. Although sometimes he really is that bad IYSWIM.

He always wants to spend time with ds, ds really would see a lot less of him if we split up because p does half the childcare.

Hell I nag a lot too! And so does DP. I'll nag he hasn't done this and he'll nag I haven't done this. We do swear at each other too during rows. I think it is completely understandable you are still angry at him for his behaviour over xmas. But has he been trying to change? I had a lovely lovely patient recently, and we ended up discussing our money problems. She had been in a similar amount of debt herself. She said you have to be careful of creating a mother son, telling off relationship. If he is trying to change and genuinely sorry for what he did, if you keep bringing it up he will just get frustrated and cross and begin to wonder what the point is. I don't know how he is being. You do. If he is not trying to change then I think perhaps you do need to consider a seperation, if only for a while for you both to decide what you want.

I know nobody said I was a bad mother, but I honestly feel like one because by not resolving this situation properly. if I was an onlooker I would have given up on me by now, I seem like one of those hopeless cases who take everything lying down, but the truth is I only try not to argue in front of ds. At all other times I won't be spoken to like that, which is why he won't speak to me at all, I think.

My common accent is coming through nicely in my posts then

Message withdrawn

God I think you can be me!! When DP starts his new job he is going to pay his salary into my account. He too will have an allowance, with access to my bank account with a card for emergencies. he has to phone first before using. if he uses wrongly his 'allowance' the following month will be deducted accordingly. This is the plan while we try to reduce our debt. When things become a little easier he can start to have a bit more control. He recognises that this will be the best for us as a family, which is the most important thing.

Thanks Rickman

I hate that I have to give P an allowance, I have always said I will be no man's mother, and at the minute I feel like the mother of a horrible teenager.

I resent having been put in a position where I can be blamed for him not having the things he wants because he doesn't have enough money. I resent having to think about what he will or will not do with money. I resent being blanked when I try to talk about money.

And feeling resentful makes me naggy, and it's all my own fault because it was my idea to control the finances.

I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. In theory I have got everything the way I wanted it, and in practice it is horrible.

He recognises that he is irresponisble right? Well then, he gets to keep his family together and not be resentful about it by doing it your way. If not, he looses you all and has all his money to do what he wishes for. Put that to him, calmly and tell him you can't stand these childlike strops anymore.

Colditz, maybe its because with everything being how it is, and the troubles you have had, you are only focusing on the bad things?

Obviously we are also in the position of not knowing, unless you post, when he has done something nice!

If he has handed over his bankcards then i would say that he is making efforts towards making things work (small as they may be). If both of you are so angry all the time it certainly doesnt help, he could even be feeding off of your anger.

thinking back - when ive been in a foul mood my DP has, on occasion, used expletives to tell me where to go because i have been a total PITA all day.

Just a thought......

A very valid point VVVQV.

Urgh, I must be nasty to live with. I am weepy and irrational sometimes. and you are right, I don't post about the good things he does, I haven't been fair at all.

He left me in bed until 2pm today while he looked after ds so I could sleep.

I get the majority of the lie-ins.

He really hasn't moaned much about getting an 'allowance' - and it is low.

He has made me loads of cuppas today.

I am a cow.

sorry, but i think his "bad" things FAR, FAR, FAR outweigh those "good" things.

you know if you did leave him any mumsnetters who could help you would

You're not a cow at all, just under a lot of pressure, with a lot of worries.

AND you are pregnant. Sometimes we all need to step back and take stock.

Colditz

This comment of yours in particular really worried me:-
"I know that p's behavior is horrific, but he has never ever hurt or threatened ds"

All that you have written is classic abusive behaviour. Controlling men don't hurt their kids, they just want to hurt you instead and will use the children to get back at you. You are not a bad mother - instead I am reading of a mother who sees at present no way forward. His behaviour has already affected your son (the clinginess he displays is one indicator).

You give this man (I hesistate to use the word partner in your case because at heart he is an abuser) an allowance because he has a gambling problem and would continue to do so had he free rein on the purse strings.

Although you feel there is no way out for you at present there is help out there. You will one day need to find it within yourself to leave him - you know this deep down. He has partly destroyed you already because you now feel so deflated and feel you have nowhere to turn. Don't let him finish what he's started.

You can ignore this if you so choose - your children cannot. You have a son with another one the way - you do not need an emotionally deficient manchild as well to cope with.

You need to start thinking longer term. Your children will one day be adults. They will wonder why you chose to stay with him for so long despite all the abuse meted out to you all.

Colditz, I honestly don't know what the right course of action is here but was thinking about it for a while. If you do leave, then I do think it would be easier to lease while pregnant and give yourself a chance to get settled somewhere rather than trying to do that with a newborn and toddler.