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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So fed up of being told to F**K OFF!

79 replies

colditz · 16/01/2006 19:36

I have hardly been able to open my mouth today without being told to F**k off by p. 2 year old ds has just been trashing bathroom, so I shouted upstairs "If you put him in his room while you fill the bath, he can't trash thing"

His reply?

"F**k off!"

Nice. Really nice. My son is learning that when mummy says something we don't agree with, we tell her to f**k off.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 16/01/2006 20:03

He is not abusive to ds, but he is abusive to you and ds is learning all of this.

When you are ready, please give them a call. It might be the wake-up call he needs to. It'll show him that you can actually stand up on your own two feet, that you do have places to go, and that you will not tolerate being abused in this way any longer. At the moment he thinks he can treat you this way because he knows that you will never leave him, he will grind you down so much that you will be afraid to leave, you'll think that you can never make it on your own. He is getting it all his own way.

I know it is difficult, especially being pregnant and hormonal. But if you cannot do this for yourself then you have to do it for your children. Think of how they will grow up, think of how your ds will learn to treat women, and how will your dp treat the baby if it is a girl? What will she learn? Every mother wants the best for her child, so please do your best for them, put your foot down and don't take this anymore. Whatever you have to do to make it stop, please do it. The more you let him get away with this, the worse he will become. Who's to stop him?

Original poster

colditz · 16/01/2006 20:06

It's a bigger thing than just a swear word though. It's the whole relationship between p and ds.

Watching the hysterics my ds has every time p leaves the house, how can I take him away for good? I cannot make that decision until I am utterly convinced it is the best thing to do for my ds.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 16/01/2006 20:06

Colditz - this is no way for you to live. This man is so financially unreliable, and is now becoming violent and abusive. Maybe if you left him that would give him enough of a shock for him to mend his ways. over the course of months, things have gone so downhill - I remember you posting earlier on in your PG about your DP being unsupportive about you having a bleed IIRC, then there was the gambling addiction/rent arrears before Xmas.

I know it's so so easy from the outside to say "leave, leave, leave".

Original poster

colditz · 16/01/2006 20:08

I had forgotton about that bleeding thing.

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 16/01/2006 20:09

it won't stop, colditz, not without some drastic action. when you say you have counselling coming up, do you mean relationship counselling for both of you? if not i think leaving is the only way - poss as just a wake up call, poss permanently.

Rhubarb · 16/01/2006 20:09

Wow, this man really is controlling isn't he? How did he get your ds so clingy towards him?

Your ds is only 2 years old, at that age children are very adaptable to any situation. You ask any single parent how they managed to take the children away from their dads and they'll probably all say that it wasn't easy, but it did get easier. With such a strong emotional tie to your dp, perhaps it would be good for your ds even?

And, I hate to say this, but abused children are often very clingy to the abuser if that abuser is the parent.

misdee · 16/01/2006 20:11

it wont stop colditz, unless you take drastic action. me and dh went through a very rough patch, he didnt want to grow up, lots of swearing etc. i left. for a year. now we are back together and stronger than ever. me leaving made him relaise that he had to grow up and stop this nonsense.

tribpot · 16/01/2006 20:44

I wonder what your ds' reaction is about when your p leaves. I'm not convinced it's as simple as an unconditional love for your p, but I can see it makes your life a lot harder.

Original poster

colditz · 16/01/2006 20:46

he wants daddy to come back, that's all. The minute p comes back in, ds is happy again.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 16/01/2006 20:49

your happiness/self-respect is also important to your son's wellbeing.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 20:55

Your DS wouldnt be upset for long he is only 2. I know that sounds harsh but tbh, i cant see how else to hammer this home to you.

I might be wrong, and i apologise in advance if i am, but it seems you are using your DS as an excuse not to make the break.

Your DS absolutely cannot be benefitting from your current living situation, even if he is not in the direct firing line.

Things, judging by your posts, have just gone too far now.

BudaBabe · 16/01/2006 21:02

colditz - you DS WILL adjust to daddy not being around full time (or at all if p decides to be a total fool and drop contact). But your DS is learning to be just like his daddy. Is that what your want?

Fast forward - 13/14 years. P is long gone. You have DS and other child/children. DS tells you to F* off" at every opportunity. And worse.

You need to either go or for him to go - is that possible?

Yes - it WILL Be hard. No-one is telling you otherwise. But it will get easier. Now - it't not great but will get harder.

Rhubarb · 16/01/2006 21:03

I wholeheartedly agree. Sometimes we make decisions for our children that are hurtful, but which we know are better for them in the long run. What about when you leave your child in school for the first time? They are heartbroken for the first week or so and it breaks your heart too. But you keep sending them, every morning, because you know that it's in their best interests and you know that the hysterics will pass in time. It does them no long term damage.

You know what is best for you and your ds, you just need to find the strength to go through with it.

soapbox · 16/01/2006 21:08

Colditz, I think you need to start thinking of DS's happiness beyond the next hour or day!

What we are all struggling to grow (IMHO) are adults capable of independent living who can form loving and close relationships with others and in the fullness of time raise their own children to be happy and contented.

I really don't believe that your current set up is going to give your DS the role models that he needs to have even a chance of achieving that

At the moment he is watching and learning from a totally dysfunctional relationship. His adult hood may be to treat women in teh way he has seen you treated. Or should he reject that, to be terrified of forming a relationship for fear that it will be abusive towards him.

He will learn to be feckless and someone else will pick up the pieces, slobbish, uncaring, foul mouthed, I could go on all night.

The point is, that if you look beyond tomorrow, this is doing your DS no favours whatsoever! It is totally the reverse!

I can understand your reticense to deal with this right now, but you need to be laying the foundations for a life without him right now. The early weeks with a young baby are incredibly stressful as you know, I doubt very much whether your relationship has got the staying power to see you through those weeks.

I wish it wasn't that way, but I really do fear that it is

expatinscotland · 16/01/2006 21:08

I agree, BB.

Feistybird · 16/01/2006 21:09

Colditz, it may be that your DS is happy to see daddy again, because he feels somehow 'safe'. Maybe to him, his daddy is the one who controls everyone and in that atmosphere your DS knows what to expect. It could be that he has a mixed-up view and attachment towards his dad, rather than adoration.

I just cannot believe that your dp's behaviour towards you is having anything but a detrimental effect on your ds.

Original poster

colditz · 16/01/2006 21:28

I don't honestly see why nobody can believe that ds is upset when daddy leaves the house because he loves his daddy.

I do accept that long term, ds is learning nothing but bad habits and bad behavior. I accept that I am a shit mother for letting this continue, but I just am not strong enough to leave him right now.

At the minute I have practical help with ds and around the house. If I leave (and dp will not go, and I am not allowed to change the locks) I will have no help at all. I have no family that will get involved. Then I will have to labour on my own. Then I have to go back to where ever I am living with a new born baby, to look after him and ds on my own.

Can anyone see why I feel I cannot hack that? From where I am standing, at least what I have now is familiar. It may not be very nice, but ir is nicer than being in strange surroundings with strange people on my own.

I know that p's behavior is horrific, but he has never ever hurt or threatened ds, and I truely believe he never will. Whereas if I take ds away from all he knows, he sees a lot less of beloved daddy, I won't be able to take all his toys, I will have a lot less money, then I will have a hell of a lot less time for him myself as I will be trying to deal with a newborn on my own. So I am thinking of the long term too, I just genuinely don't think I will cope, and ds will be the one to suffer.

OP posts:

Feistybird · 16/01/2006 21:33

Point taken, it is very easy for me to sit here dealing out 'advice', drinking tea and eating chocs.

But no-one said, even hinted that you were a shit mother.

mummytosteven · 16/01/2006 21:34

If you aren't ready to leave right now, is there anyway you can salt away any money in case you change your mind at short notice? Speak to Women's Aid/Tax Credits anyway to get an idea as to the practicalities of leaving.

BudaBabe · 16/01/2006 21:35

God colditz - you are really between a rock and hard place.

Is p happy about the new baby? Do you think things are likely to improve?

I feel for you but don't know what to suggest.

Rhubarb · 16/01/2006 21:37

But if you go to a women's refuge, they will help you with childcare for your ds, they will support you throughout the pregnancy and there are plenty of organisations such as SureStart and HomeStart (?) that offer help and support too. You would not be entirely on your own. They will provide support right up until you decide that you no longer need it. Plus when ds is 3 you can put him into a nursery to help you out too.

If your dp is the only friend you have, and he is an abusive friend, then what do you have to lose by dropping him? One less friend who isn't much of a friend anyway, but lots of new support and new friends from mothers in similar situations.

But it sounds as though you really don't want to make this change. I'm sad for you, but there is nothing we can say that will make you change your mind on this. Therefore I can only wish you luck whatever you choose.

soapbox · 16/01/2006 21:39

Colditz, of course I can see why now isn't the time for you to leave. That doesn't mean that you can't start planning for a life without your partner.

I do believe that your DS is upset at your P leaving. But you can't subordinate your needs or your children;s longer term needs to DS's current attachment to your P. I really think that DS will grow up vehemently hating one of you if things don't change. He'll either hate and loathe your P for treating you badly, or he will hate you for putting up with it and ruining his childhood. Either way there are no winners!

Staying in such a crap relationship in the long term really doesn;t have to be the only option. You really need to start thinking about what other options you have. Many people on here do single parenthood well, and so will you when the time comes.

You will be able to cope, because you have to, much like many others on here

Sallystrawberry · 16/01/2006 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 21:40

colditz - where are you?

uwila · 16/01/2006 21:45

AW Colditz. I remember the gambling thread. This man is truly a twat. Why are so many people on MN married to twats???? Mrs Miggins springs to mind... and a few more.

Anyway, I do see you point about getting through labour and having a new born when you have a place to live. But, you should probably consider what ages will you be prepared to leave. With a anew born? With a toddler and a four year old? When they are both in school?

Good luck to you. When is the baby due? Do you have any friends around to support you. Or are you going to be reliant on hour P to take care of you?

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