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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH wants me back....

83 replies

simpson · 10/01/2012 22:22

Me and exH split up over 2 yrs ago (we are now divorced) due to his MH problems and drinking etc...

I have been bringing up kids by myself ever since. They are now 6 and nearly 4.

he lives in Ireland now (I don't) and sees DC every few months. he is due to come over ist wk end in feb for DD's 4th birthday. he has not seen DC since June and pays no maintenance is lax with weekly calls (forgets or is pissed etc)

Anyway he has sent me a text today saying he wants to "talk" Hmm

He has basically sent me another text saying he wants me back and his commitment to giving it another go is to go off the drink completely and it will be better for the DC as they must be so confused etc.

I am thinking WTF Shock Angry

Sorry just wanted to rant really Blush

Why do men think they are totally irrestable (sp) and will just say "oh yes honey come back!!"

OP posts:
Original poster
simpson · 11/01/2012 23:30

and lol at me frequenting police stations after having a couple of Wine

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2012 23:40

scorps you rock lady Grin

AnyFucker · 11/01/2012 23:42

simpson, it is seriously fucked up that you all have to babysit this man for a few hours of contact with his children

is it worth it ?

really ?

I would have let him drift away to alcoholism and bumhood a long time ago, I am afraid

not a great example for his kids, is he ?

Original poster
simpson · 11/01/2012 23:56

no its not and tbh I am suprised he is still in their life really albeit in a small way. He has not seen them since june last yr and rarely calls.

DS (now6) was v close to him till he was nearly 4 and he did not drink much then just socially. Its scary how much it (alcohol) has taken hold of him Sad

It would be much easier on me (and kids long term) if he would just bugger off disappear.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 00:01

then stop enabling him ?

because you know if mum didn't pay, didn't put him up, you didn't hold his hand, didn't ferry him around, didn't keep him occupied so he doesn't get lured by the overwhelming pull of the booze, cover up for him, tell white lies to your children etcetera etceteraaaaaa ....

he just wouldn't manage it would he

so stop

just stop and fade him out, before your children get any older

I am all for contact being upheld unless there is abuse of the children and/or their mother...but only if he can be arsed to do it himself and not require so much of it done for him

he is like a helpless child...it's quite pathetic

Original poster
simpson · 12/01/2012 00:13

I do think this time will be the last time he sees the kids really. Its just hard because I don't do it for him, I do it for them iyswim. (As do the rest of my family)

The chat my family have had about it (and we have had lots!!) is if we can give the kids some memories of going to snakes & ladders etc once a yr with their dad (and it be good - for the DC) then it will be worth it. But at a huge price on the rest of us Sad

They are still at an age where he is perfect (in their eyes) and they love hearing from him etc. Esp DD who is only 3. She has no memeories of living with him (which is probably a good thing!!)

Its a very hard decision to have to make to cut their dad out of their lives altogether although ultimately one I will have to make sadly.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 07:21

it's a shame

what a dickhead he is

better the children just lose touch while they are young enough to take it in their stride, than get to teenagerhood and realise how ridiculous he is

that kinda things messes with kid's heads

IMO

Original poster
simpson · 12/01/2012 08:27

Am hoping it will happen gradually iyswim (which it seems to be)

DS has gone from living with a very hands on dad to seeing him now once a yr in the space of 2 and a bit yrs. But he seems pretty resilient about it Smile

I have not lied to them, just kept things simple when talking about their dad. IE he is not well etc (which is true MH problems and he has been sectioned twice)

They ask me sometimes why he does not call etc and I did used to make excuses for him (he is not well, busy etc) but in the last few months I have started to say "I don't know but you can ask him the next time he rings" etc. I just think he should be explaining what he is doing (or not doing in the cases of the lack of phone calls etc) and it does the kids no favours long term to sugar coat things.

OP posts:
Scorps · 12/01/2012 15:42

I hope you didn't take my post badly, however I have realised how much I used to enable Ex, and I stopped. I'm not his Mother.

I would never normally suggest this, but yes, to him fading away. One contact a year? No point. No benefit, and extra hassle to you, your (kind) Mum, extra expenditure.

Maybe he could not drink alcohol and give that money to you. just sayin'

I know it would be hard for you, no breaks (I appreciate as an LP just how frigging important any break is).... but he isn't offering you, or DC very mcuh of anything

don't feel sorry for him, for his alcohol usage, etc. They often hate lying in the bed that they made.

cestlavielife · 12/01/2012 16:08

ha ha.

my exP still sends text msgs in which he goes on after four years living apart about being willing to "forgive" and "giving the DC the family they deserve"

i ignore

hope visit is positive for dc.

if he wants to give up drink he will do so with or without yo.
if he wants to carry on it will be with or without you

tell your ps they dont have to take repsonsibility for him if he gets drunk - just leave him out on street... and call police to take him away

fiventhree · 12/01/2012 17:36

Dont have time to read whole thread but one thought.

He is wanting to get off the drink and thinks that coming back to you would be the way.

Of course, with addicted people, they actually need to make the change first and then make offers to others. They cant see this, because they are selfish, and entirely self motivated. He has of course not given a moments thought to what is in it for you and the kids.

Original poster
simpson · 12/01/2012 22:04

fiventhree - thanks, think you have hit the nail on the head Smile

OP posts:
MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 12/01/2012 22:17

simpson - You have 'decent person' running through you like a stick of rock.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 22:19

yup simpson is a good egg, that is for sure

that much too good to put up with this fuckwit, it is off the page

Original poster
simpson · 12/01/2012 22:27

TBH fed up of being a good egg mug Smile

Going to get through this visit with wine the best way I know how, then reassess.....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 22:28

I think that would be wise

the Wine and the reassessment

Original poster
simpson · 12/01/2012 22:29

lol Grin

All depends on when he fucks up how things go

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 22:32

everything about him, eh ?

just how he likes it

Original poster
simpson · 12/01/2012 22:40

He will fuck up whether it is sooner or later who knows....

Think it is starting to hit him what he has lost, its about fucking time!! good

OP posts:
Original poster
simpson · 13/01/2012 18:05

well he did not ring the kids this eve as he is supposed to, I suspect he is sulking Angry

OP posts:
Jellykat · 13/01/2012 18:37

Arsewipe!
One year on and nothings changed.. I remember your DS was really angry at the time, and refused to speak to him then. Is he dealing with the disappointment with his dad any better?

I'll tell you about my DS1 - His dad was totally like your Ex for the first 16 years of his life, when he completely disappeared.. Last year i heard through the grapevine that his dad has Hep C and Liver psoriasis, i rang him to get the facts and find out how long he's got, he wants DS1 (now 23) to contact him.. DS1 thinks he might write to him, but he's not going to go rushing to his bedside (his decision,i told him i'd support whatever he decided) and why the hell should he? DS1 isn't angry or sad, he just wants to get on with his life which has never featured his dad.

I really believe that DCs in this/your/our situation work it out for themselves in the end, and it really is the dads' loss - you only get back what you put in IYSWIM. It's heartbreaking that the DCs have to go through such pain, but with strong foundations in the rest of the family (which you have) they grow into amazingly balanced adults.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 20:33

great post, jelly

Original poster
simpson · 13/01/2012 21:25

Thanks JK - you are so right Grin

Not sure what to do now tbh I think I need to get through the visit in a few wks the best way I can. if I cancel it the worry would be that he would come anyway which could be v traumatic for the DC (as he would probably be pissed)

Not sure what to do afterwards really. There will be no more visits but do I have the right to stop phonecalls etc or am I best to just leave it and he will ring every now and then?? when he remembers

OP posts:
Original poster
simpson · 13/01/2012 21:26

You must be so proud of your DS1 BTW for being so mature/level headed about it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 21:46

just put the ball back in his court and stop enabling his fuckwittery

if he calls, he calls

if he mans up, he has to do it for himself

if he lets it all go, on his head be it

you cannot manage your dc's expectations and disappointments for ever

they will draw their own conclusions, and so be it

I think it is actually disrespectful to them to sell them a lie that daddy is "just a bit tired", is a "bit busy", is a "bit poorly"

they won't thank you for that, love