Am i expecting too much

[chriskathome]

i'm a 51 year old bloke seeking advice.
My wife and i have been together for 15 years and have grown up kids from previous marriages and a wonderful 5 year old together.
For years i have covered up for my wifes erratic behaviour as a result of a serious painkiller and dope addiction. We have very little family life as shes alienated most of them.
She has no interests outside the home and refuses to go on holidays or rarely even little trips with my son and I. Every aspect of our life is dominated by her phobias and addictions. I work in a stressful job, but still do all the shopping and at least half of the domestic chores, whilst she refuses to even consider working or economising in any way,
Shes not interestes in intimacy and I havent had sex in a year.

All of this is killing my self confidence and has at times driven me to desperation.
I think I should leave her but I'm scared and worried about what it would do to my son.

Help please
chris

Chris,

Forget about yourself for a moment and what leaving would do to your son.

What would staying do to him? Does she spend time with him, enjoy him, make him feel loved? How is she with her other children, is she a good mother to them? If not then yes, the best thing you can do for him is leave, but I hope that when you talk about leaving her you mean you and your son leaving her together. And you should make sure that the situation her other children are in is brought to attention of their father/social services (delete as appropriate).

However, if you feel that underneath her addictions etc, she is trying to be a good mum then insist on her getting help and make it clear that if she doesnt then you will leave and take you son with you.

Only you can decide whether she would get help if she knew she would otherwise lose you both.

And if you are talking about YOU leaving on your own and your son staying with her, then you are as bad as she is.

Oh and I forgot to ask in my op, what are you expecting that may be "too much" as referred to in your title?

Hello Chris. From what you say, I think that you would cope on your own without any problem and your son could be better off being protected from some of the erratic and addictive behaviour of his mother. Doesn't sound like you get much out of the relationship as it stands. Why don't you try going to counselling on your own at first and work out what YOU want/need etc? If you wanted to try to save the relationship presumably you'd need to follow up with something involving your wife as you can't tackle her addictions without her taking the lead in that herself. From the short post though, sounds like there's not a lot to save. Your wife would still maintain contact with your son if you split and your son would learn that her behaviour is not normal or acceptable and you'd probably find you have a lot more quality time to spend with him rather than nurse-maiding your wife.

How did your wife become addicted to painkillers? Are they prescribed? If so, your first port of call needs to be your GP/family physician.

And what's the dope?

You also seem to be suggesting money worries.

Sounds grim, but I would first look to the source of your DW's 'phobias and addictions', with outside help. I doubt very much if she is happy herself. She sounds trapped and fragile.

Its hard to know what a good mum is. she loves our son but she wouldnt put herself out for him. I do all the school stuff, plays , homework etc.
shes loving to him but in a superficial way, so the harm is low level but insidious.
none of our older kids have much to do with her as she pretty much put their needs out of her mind growing up.

I think you sound like are having to act like a parent to your wife as well as your son. If this is long-standing and your wife is not willing to seek help for her problems then I don't blame you for looking for a way out. You deserve to have a normal life, relationship and to have space and time to fit in your commitments to work and your son and to have some time for yourself too. I agree your wife sounds like she needs help...is there a way you can point her in the right direction? To be honest, I think that this is her responsibility - you can help but you've already done a lot to make her life easier and to carry the can on everything else - it's really up to an addict to help themselves to recovery. Chris - you deserve a break and a normal life.

Can you confirm that when you say that you should leave, whether you mean just you or you and your son?

Two options:

1. Leave, and screw up your son's life
2. Be a man, do the best by your wife and son, and try to make the best of it.

Your wife of 15 years is ill and you're considering putting your own selfish needs above her and your son. Man up and fulfil your responsibilities.

My wife isn't nasty or bad but is so wrapped up in her own head that she doesn't even notice her behaviour.
When I try to tell her how I feel she blows up and tells me I can get out if I dont like it.
I know she cant or wont change and has refused help including when she was under a psychiatric team.
I am torn because I love her but know that I'll never get back the kind of love I long for - thats why I ask "do I expect too much" or should I be accept that this is what life is.
I'm not expecting hearts and flowers but just a bit of tenderness and understanding from time to time.
I'm sorry if I sound wet

Man up?
I raised our 3 older children almost singlehandedly, whilst she has spent most of the last 15 years stoned.
Doing the best for my son and doing the best for my wife are not necessarily the same thing. My grown up kids would and have said "get out and take my son with me" they felt neglected and suffer from low self esteem as a result of their poor relationship with their mum.
Manning up may well be leaving thats where I'm struggling to see the wood for the trees.
Should I be strong and leave for mine and my sons sake and leave her to her preferred solitude or should I be strong and stay and sacrifice the rest of my life with someone who barely notices I'm there.

mike , you've made some stupid posts but this one takes the biscuit

The best thing he could possibly do is leave and take his son with him, the woman sounds unfit to have sole residency.

Chris, you and your son shouldn't be expected to sacrifice your lives pandering to your wife.

So your wife is ill, addicted to whatever substance it is which means that she can not function at what I would call a 'normal level'.
She has been like this a for a very long time. You've had dcs before who are old enough to tell you how devastating her behaviour was on their self confidence. They would tell you to get out of the relationship with your youngest dc. They do not want contact with their mum due to the poor upbringing.

Now if you look at it from your son's best interest pov, what do you think you need to do? Staying in a relationship that doesn't make you happy anyway but will be very detrimental to your son or leaving and giving the best childhood you can to your son?
Your wife certainly has some major problems but she needs to want to help herself. If she hasn't done so in the last 15 years, she is unlikely to do it now.
She does need some support but perhaps not from you as such. She will struggle but then so would your ds if you stay.
Where should you loyality lie? With your wife because of your wedding vows even though she is an adult and should be able to look after herself or with your son who is just a child and desreve an environment where he will be protected, nurtured and loved.

Re to man up... TBH, it is far more difficult to leave than people think when you don't do it purely opuit of anger. It takes a lot of courage. Bt having said that, would you want to have that courage to protect your child?

btw, it is obvious to me that leaving means leaving with your son and becoming the RP for him.

The only person who can start to wean your wife off drugs is her. She has to acknowledge her addiction and want to do something about it.

As for the short term, in my opinion the best thing for you and your son is for you to leave and take him with you. You sound like a sensible sort, and then you won't have the added stress of dealing with your wifes problems. They are hers to sort out.

Malificence -

Based on a few words of script on an internet forum and with no real knowledge of the situation, you advise this guy to break up his family, take his son away from his mother and abandon a 15-year marriage.
I give up.

Chris - you said you both had grown up kids from previous marriages. What do her kids say about this and how do they advise you? What help do they think their mum needs? Also, have you spoken to any health professionals about her addictions?

Charbon,
I became stepdad when my wifes girls were 4 and 7 and my boy was 5.
I raised them as my own largely as a single parent, when I look back I cant believe some of the things I did to compensate for her lack of interest in doing anything as a family.
All the children support me but at the same time no one wants to get involved because if crossed she is likely to reject them completely as she has done often in the past.
We been to doctors etc re her painkiller addictions as recently as this week but she refuses to discuss the subject of the dope which shes smoked since she was 14 and sees no harm in.
To be honest its got worse since Xmas. She wanted and bought a shed so that she can smoke out of the house. Its fitted out beautifully, very shabby chic with a heater etc and now she spends up to 4 hours a day in there including at least 2 hours every evening.

What led to your decision to have a child together in relatively recent years?

Have you confided in her doctors about her dope addiction?

After years of discussion I eventually persuaded my wife that getting a job would be good for her mental health (and our finances) she was on the pill at the time.
She got a great little part-time job but fell pregnant a few months later, which as you'll imagine came as a surprise to me, cue no more job.
I have spoken to the doctor but they refuse to address the matter unless she raises it.

Mike? You are an idiot. Sorry love, but you are.

IF this man leaves (as is his right to do so, at anytime) he needs to think about the welfare of his son. His wife doesn't apparently seem to be the safest pair of hands, and the boy is too young to fend for himself if left with her.

The ONLY choice he has is to leave and take his son with him. When and IF his wife gets herself back on track, then the situation may be revisited, but tbh, i'd not think so.

The wife sounds to be an addict, the safest thing for all concerned is for the H and the DS to go and live somewhere safe, together, away from this.

Just because this poster has meat and 2 veg, he's supposed to 'Man Up' and put up with this abysmal life, knowing his son is being damaged on a daily basis by witnessing all this? I don't think so.

I would advise ANYONE living in this kind of situation to get out. OP is not breaking up a family, he is PROTECTING IT.

Bet Mike tells DV victims to STFU and get back to their 'place' too

I know its a cliche but You only get 1 shot at life Chris. Can you really see yourself in the same position 10 years down the line?
You could leave your wife, it might be the kick up the butt she needs. I do think it would be your responsibility to continue to care for her in some way. It would be unfair and selfish to leave her on her own completely while she is in this state. You would need to figure this out yourself though.

Whether you leave or not, you need to get her to the GPs

Mike has a history of unhelpful posts.

Chris, your wife sounds like a deeply selfish troubled woman who is completely disconnected from family life, it is no way to live for you or your children.

Get out and start living.

"I know its a cliche but You only get 1 shot at life Chris."

I agree with Hairynigel, but also point out that YOUR SON TOO HAS ONE SHOT, and he is too young to help himself. It's down to you. Get him out of this poisonous environment before it does any more damage.

Chris

"Should I be strong and leave for mine and my sons sake and leave her to her preferred solitude or should I be strong and stay and sacrifice the rest of my life with someone who barely notices I'm there".

You asked yourself this question earlier. If someone else was asking this what would your response be?. Sacrificing your life for someone like this does not make you a stronger person as a result; more like an emotionally wreaked one.

Your wife is an addict and addicts are by their very nature selfish. She has also been a poor parental model to her now adult children; what does that tell you also about her?. Its all about her, nothing and no-one else matters.

What you have tried to date has not worked simply because you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved. Covering up for her/enabling her has patently not worked either; the results of this chaos are all around you for you to see. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control, small wonder you cannot see the wood for the trees.

You can help you and your son, you are allowing yourself to be dragged down with her. You love her yes but love should not be such hard work honestly. She is inherently too damaged to be able to love you and her primary relationships for the last 15 or so years have been with her addictions.

Where do you see yourself in say a year's time?.

So did her addictions continue throughout her pregnancy? How did her Health professionals manage that with her if so, in order that your unborn son wasn't harmed?