Am i expecting too much

[chriskathome]

i'm a 51 year old bloke seeking advice.
My wife and i have been together for 15 years and have grown up kids from previous marriages and a wonderful 5 year old together.
For years i have covered up for my wifes erratic behaviour as a result of a serious painkiller and dope addiction. We have very little family life as shes alienated most of them.
She has no interests outside the home and refuses to go on holidays or rarely even little trips with my son and I. Every aspect of our life is dominated by her phobias and addictions. I work in a stressful job, but still do all the shopping and at least half of the domestic chores, whilst she refuses to even consider working or economising in any way,
Shes not interestes in intimacy and I havent had sex in a year.

All of this is killing my self confidence and has at times driven me to desperation.
I think I should leave her but I'm scared and worried about what it would do to my son.

Help please
chris

Thanks everyone for your advice.
Its really appreciated.
I cant see the situation changing and wishing it would isnt going to make it happen.
I'm also coming round to the point that my wife only has one life too and if thats the way she wants it to be then thats her choice and I have little right to insist she changes however much I might want it.

If your wife won't address her problems by attending counselling or take herself off to Narcotics Anonymous meetings or similar, I would suggest you consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

If you intend to be the primary carer I see no reason why your wife shouldn't be required to move out of the marital home so that your ds at least has the continuity of remaining in a familiar environment until such time as there is a division of assets.

You might want to post on the Legal board for general advice as to how to begin the process.

It is possible that the way you have been living has meant she can be like this. You should insist she seeks help and if she doesn't actually leave, she needs to admit she has a problem and probably hit rock bottom before she does it- it doesn't mean the end of the relationships, otherwise you will need to accept things the way they are and that they are likely to get worse. Ask for some counselling yourself to help you through it week by week. Good luck

in exactly the same place i am today if i do nothing but to be honest Im struggling to cope now.

Sadly you are correct. Your wife is choosing to live her life this way. Or, at least, she is choosing not to follow any course of action which could lead her away from her addictions.

Life with a serious stoner is tough. Raising children with a drug addict is horrible. Being in a relationship with someone like that can be very lonely. And drug addictions tend to get worse over time.

The big problem you've got is ensuring that if you do split up that your son will be protected from his mother's drug-fuelled behaviour. If she's a stay-at-home mum, and you go out to work, the default view would be that she should continue as the majority parent.

It will take planning on your part to try to avoid this happening. I'd strongly suggest you talk to a solicitor about how to collect the evidence you'll need to be able to show in court that she has a significant long-term addiction. I understand that cannabis shows up in hair sample tests for a long time, for instance. Could you also change your job so that you can spend more time at home with your son?

I'd also recommend you get some help yourself. Living with an addict can be overwhelming and can skew our own perceptions of what is "normal". Nar-Anon is the friends and family offshoot of Narcotics Anonymous but there aren't that many such meetings. Al-Anon is the same kind of idea for those in relationships with alcoholics and many of the issues you're facing will be the same as for the people who go to Al-Anon. You wouldn't be turned away.

chris my heart goes out to you in this difficult situation but if your wife has no desire to change(and no reason to as oyu do things for her ie school plays,shopping,chores) you are wasting away you and yours sons oppurtunity of happiness
if you cant set a time limit for positive changes/agreement to seek help and support i really can see no way forward but to leave and take your son with you..one parent who is stable and at peace with life is better than 2 who are unhappy-he wil pick up on that.i wish you all the very best and know that it will take a lot of courage to make things diferent either way

have you told her you want to leave?

if not i think you need to tell her you want out and feel that your son will be better off with you. my ex p was a dope addict and he was spaced out most of the time, so i would take him.

your wife really needs to get some help, taking your son away may make her worse, as i wouldnt like the thought of some one taking my kids away! think she will need suport from you at the begining if you do decide to leave because she could possible go more down hill.

Chris, bin it and take your son with you. I too experienced a very similar relationship for over 13 years with a person who had a very addictive personality, was a regular dope smoker and also took cocaine on a regular basis. For years there was little in the way of intimacy, affection and sex was also non existent.

You have one crack at this life, you are 51 and your son is in his formative years. It's a no brainer, if all you have said is true then you should be packing your bags today.

It speaks volumes that your three grown up children are telling you to leave and protect their brother.

Please listen to them.

Chris, you can (and must) leave. You know this.

We realise it's hard, a HUGE thing to do, but you can't help her, only SHE can help herself.

Your son is suffering, YOU are suffering.

If you stay, somehow it will support the status quo, and all the while your son is living with an addict. the older he gets, the more it will affect him.

Please go and talk to your GP, your health visitor, and find out who can support you and your son in this.

angelintraining - how naive you are. You are advocating he stay involved with an addict because it may upset her if the child is taken by his father?

WELL THEN SHE NEEDS TO SERIOUSLY REVIEW HER DRUG USE THEN DOESN'T SHE?

Sorry for shouting, but the mother is making a choice to smoke weed. It may be psychologically addictive, but biologically it can be stopped easier than nicotine.

the ONLY way this woman will get help is if she asks for it, and to do that she has to see what her actions have caused.

She is like an alcoholic, she needs to hit rock bottom to see what she is doing. There are plenty of people there to support her should she choose to let them but if she doesn't want to stop, she won't. She will drag the whole family to hell for the price of a spliff without a second thought.

Chris should absolutely NOT provide emotional support to his wife when he leaves. He needs to focus on his son, himself and their future.

As I understand it being a dope smoker in itself wouldnt be enough of a reason for me to get custody and to be honest I think joint custody would be best for my son.
My work is flexible and I could manage full custody but he loves his mum and she isnt dangerous to him. She loves him very much but just cant see her lack of engagement as a problem.
I feel he is missing out on so much, the normal stuff of childhood even just reading together and such, but nothing that would be considered immediately harmful. The impact as I've seen with our older kids is in the longer term on their social skills and feeling of self worth.
My wife sees the issues with our older kids but refuses to see that her lack of interest as they grew was in any way a contributing factor.
I know its probably naive of me but I dont want to vilify her by branding her as unfit in court. If I can I think I need to find the least harmful way of seperating for us all.

Thanks.
You are giving me the courage to deal with this
Chris

"As I understand it being a dope smoker in itself wouldnt be enough of a reason for me to get custody and to be honest I think joint custody would be best for my son.
My work is flexible and I could manage full custody but he loves his mum and she isnt dangerous to him. She loves him very much but just cant see her lack of engagement as a problem".

And she likely never will either. BTW what do you actually know of this woman's childhood, what do you know about her own parents like?.

Your wife does not give a toss about anyone but herself. She does not want help. Only she can help her and she chooses not to. I do not mean this unkindly but you're precisely the last person who can help her. Look at the other now adult children, look what has happened to them due partly to her own lack of parenting skills; she put herself before them and still continues to do so.

Love, it doesn't matter for now about custody, your boy is in an environment that is DEEPLY harmful to him. You MUST act.

It's good to hear that she loves her son, but clearly not enough to be present enough and not whacked off her face to be a good parent. She is dangerous in some ways, she is incapable of caring for him when she is under the influence. If she is too stoned to drive, she is too stoned to care for a 5yo. her reactions are impaired, her thinking addled.

An Addict is NOT fit to look after a child, not when there IS a healthy non-addicted parent.

This is not about branding her or labelling her, this is stating facts, she has a substance problem. When she has dealt with it, and is clean, then she will no longer be incapacitated as far as child raising goes.

This is not about revenge, this is about doing the best you can, WHEN you can.

Just because she has raised other children (who have issues directly arising from her drug use) doesn't mean that you have to allow the last one to be fucked up by her addicition.

WHEN you have got him out, it may be that she gets the jolt she needs to actually make a change. If you don't, she won't.

Remember SHE CHOSE THIS LIFE OF HERS. Your son didn't. You may not have been able to help the older ones, but you are your little lad's only hope in not repeating the damage with another innocent child.

You are getting your boy to safety, you don't need to even think about custody/courts etc, you are not talking divorce.

Everything in it's own time. The boy is yours, you are entitled to help him. You are in fact OBLIGATED to help him.

Mumsnetters - Who are the organisations that work with the families of drug addicts? are there helplines etc? Can we have some links for Chris please?

You guys are great.
I'm going to try and speak with my wife tonight.

I think a court would see a big difference between someone having the occasional spliff on high days and holidays, and spending hours every day getting stoned out of her tiny mind while also nursing a highly successful painkiller addiction. Family courts can, and do, order drug tests for a reason.

Nevertheless, it might be worth waiting until she's at least reasonably straight and laying it on the line. Give her three choices:

1. she stops drugging herself insensible and there might just be a chance of saving your marriage, or

2. she carries on consuming whatever drugs she can lay her hands on at which point you will happily leave (or get her to leave) and she gets to see her son regularly BUT he primarily lives with you, all amicable and nice, or

3. She carries on smoking up a storm while contesting residency and you'll be taking her to court for residency and you will be exposing every single ugly little detail of her various addictions to all and sundry.

It's harsh, yes, but it's a matter of priorities. Priority number one to her is maintaining her addiction(s). Everything else - you, your son, her other children, her own health - come a very distant second place. If you offer her an easy way out where she can continue to do what she wants but you get to ensure your son is safe then she just might go for it.

Chris

You can try taking to your wife but I don't think you'll get anywhere far with her. Her primary relationship is after all with her addictions.

www.adfam.org.uk is a link you may want to look at.

Snorbs, if I rightly remember, you've been in a similar situation haven't you?

Attila
your words have been ringing in my ears when you said "Her primary relationship is after all with her addictions" I hadn't seen it all so clearly until then.
I tried to raise this last night but Dw spent the whole evening in her smoking shed. I had to wake her from her dope induced sleep when I went to bed at 11.
Of course she then gets into bed and goes straight to sleep whilst I lay awake in turmoil.
I will try again tonight.

Jesus, she's totally checked out of life hasn't she?

Out of interest, where does she keep her dope, i'm hoping it's'somewhere safe, WAY out of your DS reach.

Also, what would happen if you demanded she talk to you? Or did you find her already stoned into oblivion at the first chance you had to talk to her?

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, it must be soul destroying.

I thik you are right to leave. It's best for everyone. How is she paying for all her dope?

Why did you wake her up? I'd have left her in the shed.

Houdinihissy,
got home from work at 5.30 DW and DS already eaten so ate alone.
Then went to Tesco alone to pick up some shopping by the time I got back she was already in the shed and on her way out it.
I read story and put DS to bed and spent the rest of the evening in solitude, she was in no state to talk about anything.
Shes paying for the dope from our joint account.
I woke her because otherwise I would have had to leave the back door unlocked all night.