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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i expecting too much

65 replies

chriskathome · 10/01/2012 01:25

i'm a 51 year old bloke seeking advice.
My wife and i have been together for 15 years and have grown up kids from previous marriages and a wonderful 5 year old together.
For years i have covered up for my wifes erratic behaviour as a result of a serious painkiller and dope addiction. We have very little family life as shes alienated most of them.
She has no interests outside the home and refuses to go on holidays or rarely even little trips with my son and I. Every aspect of our life is dominated by her phobias and addictions. I work in a stressful job, but still do all the shopping and at least half of the domestic chores, whilst she refuses to even consider working or economising in any way,
Shes not interestes in intimacy and I havent had sex in a year.

All of this is killing my self confidence and has at times driven me to desperation.
I think I should leave her but I'm scared and worried about what it would do to my son.

Help please
chris

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 14:39

I think you're going to have to review her access to money.

I'd'have shut the back door too. My X smoked dope, all the time, and way too much, but not to this extent.

The more you smoke, the more you need to get wasted, for her to go from serving tea (and i'd'bet she wasn't 100% straight when she did that) to out of it in, what? An hour? When your son is still up, needing to be put to bed?

That's serious. That's neglect.

You have to go in hard on this. Read back on snorbs post with his 3 options.

Could you pop back home unannounced to see what goes on when you're normally at work?

chriskathome · 11/01/2012 15:02

Just to add insult to injury we easily spend between £70-£90 each month on chocolate to feed her evening muchies brought on by the dope.

OP posts:
chriskathome · 11/01/2012 15:02

The more I set this stuff down the more I'm beginning to realise what a mug I am

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 15:16

No love, you're not a mug, you just couldn't see the woods for the trees.

Now that the view is clearer, you'd'only be anything like a mug if you chose to put up with it.

HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 15:18

£70-£90 a month on chocolate? WOW, have you got shares in Cadbury's' :)

Blimey!

Snorbs · 11/01/2012 15:21

I would imagine the money she's spending on dope is substantially more than the money she's spending on chocolate. Do you know who her dealer(s) are? Does she take your son when she goes to pick up her drugs? I'd also agree that there's every chance she's having the odd joint while you're out at work. It is far from uncommon for addicts to hide just how much they're consuming.

I see your point re the back door. Could she take a key out with her? Or could you not trust her to lock up when she comes back in? Could you just leave her out in the shed (visions of 8-Ace from Viz...)

The bottom line here is that we can all sit here and agree with you that, yes, she is absolutely in the wrong and her behaviour is appallingly selfish and fucked-up. That's drug addicts for you. She's just doing what addicts do. It's nothing personal against you. She's not doing this because of anything you've done. It's all down to her.

The thing is, though, all the time you're providing her with money to buy drugs, and dealing with all the stuff she's not dealing with because she's spending most of her time stoned, and accomodating the frankly ridiculous behaviour such as having to go and wake her from her stupor so she doesn't spend all night in the shed, you are making it easier for her to continue with her addictions.

You don't have a relationship with her in any meaningful sense of the word. Your son is being emotionally neglected by his stoner of a mother. He is also being shown all sorts of bad examples of how adult relationships work as well as getting the subtle message of "As a grown-up, it's ok to blow off all your responsibilities and spend hours in a shed on your own doing something mind-altering". He may not be able to articulate it but he'll know that when mum goes to the shed, she comes back different.

My ex is an alcoholic. I've been in a very similar position to you. If I can give you one piece of advice that made a real difference for me is to understand the truth behind the (horribly trite) statement Nothing changes if nothing changes. You carry on like this and this is what you're going to continue to get - a sham of a marriage to a woman who cares less about you than her next joint.

But you have it within your power to change things. You can't change her - she is doing what she wants to do. You have neither the power nor the moral right to insist that someone else changes their life to suit you. But you are doing things that you don't want to do. You are paying for, covering up for, and cleaning up after, your wife's drug addictions. You can change that. Talk to people in real life. Tell people what's really going on. Her drug addiction isn't a reflection on you. It is not your secret to keep. You need support, too.

I always recommend an excellent book when threads like this pop up - Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". It's written for those of us who are in a relationship with someone with drink/drug problems. It talks about how trying to deal with those problems can lead us a very long way from our own health and happiness, and it gives you strategies for finding yourself again. I strongly recommend you get it. I also found one-to-one counselling invaluable.

chriskathome · 11/01/2012 15:24

Thanks,
I'm so glad i came on here.
i was at the point where I was about to accept that this is my life and I ought to get used to it.
No one at work would believe this is my life.
I'm successful, with a good job and pretty sorted.
No one has ever queried why my wife is never seen although some have asked why shes not on the holiday pics.
Gonna try again tonight

OP posts:
chriskathome · 11/01/2012 15:31

Snorbs,
thanks I'll get the book.
And I agree I need to take action.
As for sharing, all of our (mostly her) family are aware of the situation but mostly avoid us now as any attempt to talk to her ends up in horrible rows.
As a result my DS has little relationship with his grandparents, autnties, uncles or cousins which breaks my heart.

But I'm going to do something about it.
I hope you guys will still be here when I'm back and sobbing because the most likely scenario is that she'll say if you dont like it, you can F.O

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 15:32

We're not all man hating harpies on here you know! Some of us are bloody lovely!

I'm SO pleased you did come here, you sound much more energised than you did at the start of this thread.

What are your objectives tonight? What are you hoping to achieve?

If it's a gentle chat, resulting in her having some kind of epiphany, and swearing off the weed there and then... You know you're going to be disappointed don't you?

To be taken seriously, you have to (i think) come home early, and present her with the 3 options, you can't give ANY wriggle room. She's'an addict. Addicts will say anything to get you off their case, and left alone so she can resume her habit.

You need to go into this with crystal clear expectations that she will fight you all the way to keep her habit.

chriskathome · 11/01/2012 15:45

to be honest I'm certain she'll tell me to get out if I dont like it.

So I'm going to have to have a plan for me and DS because theres no way she'll leave herself.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 15:57

Perhaps you ought to get some advice from the CAB as to what your options are.

If this were a mother with her 5yo in despair at the addiction of her H, i think most would say that if at all possible 'the addict' should leave, to minimise additional disruption to the lad.

I do understand that you don't want to hurt her, or be tough on her, but softly softly could have detrimental effects. In that it could prolong a toxic environment. Remember that if SS heard this situation was going on, there would be questions, at the very least.

If possible, inform yourself for all eventualities, remove all sentiment and work out what is fair.

Don't forget, she'll be ruthless when it comes to fighting for her addictions. She'll use ALL the weapons she can.

Snorbs · 11/01/2012 16:07

to be honest I'm certain she'll tell me to get out if I dont like it.

OK, so that will confirm that you are less important to her than her next spliff. Now that will hurt. Realising that I was less important to my ex than her next £3.99 bottle of Chardonnay certainly hurt me. But it also swept away all the bullshit, the what-ifs and wait-and-sees. It forced me to confront the truth. I'm worth more than that. And so are my children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2012 16:37

Hi Chris,

re your comment:-
"to be honest I'm certain she'll tell me to get out if I dont like it".

She probably will; addicts can be very hurtful to loved ones as well as selfish. Talking to such people however by trying to get them to listen to reasoned argument is a wasted breath. It did not work yesterday and I doubt very much she will be any more amenable this evening.

And the above comment if uttered by her will hurt your Chris but you cannot surely as night follows day play along any more with this sham any longer. If she does tell you the above then it will hopefully crystallise your own feelings on this and not forlornly hope for some sort of epiphany on her part any longer. You are not the only one being affected here; there is also your son to consider. You have enabled this long enough; time to call it a day. Leave her in the shed and do not wake up her from her stupors; that is also enabling her on your part.

Snorbs's suggestion to read Codependent No More is certainly an excellent one.

I would also now speak to a Solicitor and seek legal advice as regards to your son, property and finances.

Your wife is dragging you and by turn your son down with her into her pit. As I wrote earlier her primary relationship is with her drug addictions and she could fight you tooth and nail. You did not make her this way; it is not your fault she chooses drugs over everything and everyone else.

You cannot help her but you can certainly help you and your son. You are not powerless here.

liveinazoo · 11/01/2012 16:44

hi chris. i felt i had to pop back and see how tyou are doing.im so sorry that last night didnt go as you had wishe dbut it has made the situation more clear for you so that is,in some ways a blesssing.i will be about later and while i cant make things better for you i can listen and i care what happens to other people.some mums are kindSmile.wishing you good luck and all the courage you might need

HoudiniHissy · 13/01/2012 14:22

Chris, how are you? How are things with you at home?

Thinking of you, hope all is as well as can be.

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