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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling sad and disrespected

78 replies

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 21:28

Please can someone help me get some perspective? Background is that we have issues related to sex. DH not enough, me not wanting much, but it happens every week to 10 days. We go along fine for a couple of months then if he feels neglected, sulks big time (is icy cold with me).

He took the day off today and after I'd taken dd to nursery, we had lunch and he went upstairs to rest (as he does weekends after lunch). I followed him up there, we watched half of a film and at the same time I was looking up something on the laptop.

He was stroking my back. When it was almost time to pick up the dc, I leaned over to him and said "you don't want to go do you"? in a joking way, as I knew he wouldn't. He rolled over and got mad saying how only when it was time to go that I came close to him.

I've been upset ever since, but trying to make light of it and asking in a joking way to stop being mean. He told me he was in a bad mood and asked me to make him a tea. So I did, to try to get him to snap out of his mood.

So I've realised that the stroking of my back had an ulterior motive (I should have known by now). And he wanted sex. I just feel like he's only nice to me when we've had sex (one example is the next morning he brings me coffee in bed, normally wouldn't dream of it).

I'm feeling sad that i don't have a husband who would want to stroke my back to be nice. (I know this sounds pathetic!) When he sulks like this I feel like I'm his prostitute, just here to provide sex. I now don't think that he truly loves me, that anyone could have done. And he doesn't respect me or truly want to do nice things for me.

How on earth can I bring this relationship back to mutual respect (if there ever was some there in the first place)? He's really hard to talk to - he's ALWAYS right and doesn't listen to my point of view.

What can I say to him to make him understand how sad he makes me? (I've tried to tell him how he makes me feel but he doesn't acknowledge it, he just looks at it from his point of view, that he's not getting enough sex)

Thank you if you've read this far. I hope I've been clear, I find it so hard to express this. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/01/2012 21:33

It is difficult - but remember that being sexually rejected is soul crushing and wanting to have sex with your partner is not wrong. I'm sure there is more yo it than what you have posted, but from the op it sounds like you ate upset that he wants to have sex...

Original poster

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 21:47

... but I didn't even realise he wanted to have sex! What's bothering me is that he can never just rub my back or do something nice just because he loves me. I always realise after he did a nice thing that it was because he wanted sex. (and why haven't i learnt by now?) I honestly don't have anything against sex and even though I usually don't feel like it, once I'm involved, I do get into it.

I just feel like he sees me as just here to please him. I don't feel like I'm in a proper partnership. I probably can't explain myself very well...

OP posts:

mike1May · 09/01/2012 21:57

What a drama queen! Your loving husband was gently touching your back in an amorous way and you're upset because he wanted to be intimate with his wife! You feel like his "prostitue" for crying out loud...grow up!
When was the last time your husband came home from a stressful day at work and you offered to give him a no-strings massage to help him loosen up?
Er...never, I bet!
Yes, you are there to please him. The same way he is there to please you (and I'm not talking about just sex here).

Diggs · 09/01/2012 21:58

He sulks and is icy cold with you if he feels sexually neglected ? He sulks at you then expects you to make him tea ? His sulking is an attempt to manipulate you and i would do NOTHING to attempt to snap him out of it . Using sulking to try to bully someone into sex is abusive .

Im afraid you cant say anything to make him understand how you feel , presuming he doesnt have learning disabilitys he is capable of hearing you . He just doesnt WANT to . I would honestly talk this over with a counseller .

And another point , what is he actually doing to make sure you WANT to have sex with him ? If he has had a day off work , why on earth has he gone and laid down to rest ? After doing what ? Eating ? Did you make lunch and do the school run ?

He could have took you out for a nice lunch , he could have spent some quality time with you , or he could have done the nursery run and told you to go and have a day shopping . I wouldnt want to have sex with him either , he sounds like an entitled toddler .

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:03

Sex starts a long time outside of the bedroom, you need to feel loved out of it to be able to give love in it.

If he shows you no affection other than when sex is involved he needs to be told you want to feel loved all the time not just when he is getting his cock sucked.

Be blunt.

Diggs · 09/01/2012 22:04

Mike , Loving husbands dont sulk or get mad because their wives dont want sex . Shes not upset about his " non existant advances " , shes upset because hes sulked and got mad at her which isnt acceptable . If that makes her a drama queen then there will be a lot of them about because most women would find that unacceptable .

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:20

Thing is generally when there are no kids in the house you would think to have sex, so I can understand where he was coming from but not his means of trying to get you to go down on him.

Original poster

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 22:25

Well, no I don't think I'm a drama queen, I'm trying to play this down, trying to get some answers on how to fix this relationship.

Thank you for your support Diggs and Fabbychic. I'm sitting here all alone and just sad because he's gone to bed (to watch tv and sulk) and he'll probably be icy with me for a few days (it's always the same). I just wish I had a good relationship where dh was loving because he truly loved me.

He wants me to give him all the attention that I gave him pre dc too which doesn't help. Okay, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and life will be back to normal in a few days. Thanks for replying!

OP posts:

Admiraltea · 09/01/2012 22:27

It does really depend on what you interpret as making you feel loved. For example I can be terribly hurt if a cuddle or sex is not reciprocated....my dp shows me he loves me by making me a cup of tea or having a meal ready...none of which I actually notice most of the time and have really properly hurt his feelings by a few times not even noticing let alone saying thanks

Just to say what op says is sulking can be proper hurt feelings... sounds like a real communication problem that if they both engage now can be resolved ...

Admiraltea · 09/01/2012 22:29

And I mean engage with someone who as a third party can help them hear each other...counsellor..relate???

Original poster

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 22:29

no he didn't try to get me to go down on him Fabbychic. I jokingly asked if he wanted to go and pick up the dc from school.

OP posts:

loosyloo · 09/01/2012 22:31

Why not get off the computer talking to strangers about your bad relationship, and go and speak to him

No wonder he is cold to you

mike1May · 09/01/2012 22:31

Yes that's it. He's gone off to sulk. You've gone public about how your bloke is a bad guy. And you take zero responsibility.

You'll feel differently in the morning, so will he. No need to trash the guy on a public forum.

toptramp · 09/01/2012 22:32

Why don't you want to have sex with him? If you stop having sex altogether it is the beginning of the end.
His sulking is NOT going to help though but it sounds like a vicious circle.He sulks; you don't feel like shagging him; he's nice to get sex; you feel he is not genuinely being nioce; you don't feel like shagging him; he sulks. Think long and hard why you don't want to jump him.Mabe councelling would be the answer.

Original poster

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 22:32

I think a counsellor is needed. I can never seem to get across to him what I mean without him taking it another way..... bad communication, yes.

Dh won't ever go and laughs when I suggest it because he sees our issues as just my problem, but I know I should just go on my own.

Thanks for your thoughts Admiraltea.

OP posts:

Diggs · 09/01/2012 22:33

He wants me to give him all the attention that I gave him pre dc too which doesn't help.

Oh dear . Do you feel he gives you enough attention or is he now expecting you to be his mother too ?

toptramp · 09/01/2012 22:34

It also sounds like mismatched sex drives.

ashamednamechanger · 09/01/2012 22:35

Op, last year I had sex with my DH twice, yes twice, in a whole year.
I cannot have sex with someone if the only time they are nice to me is when they want a shag. I would rather sleep on the sofa.
Tell him when he starts to treat you with respect then maybe, just maybe, you will actually WANT to have sex with him.

Diggs · 09/01/2012 22:37

Look , this site is here to provide support , and people are entitled to post to discuss things . If you dont like reading it Looby , why dont YOU get off the computer ?

Of course its her fault her husband sulks ar her because she doesnt want sex .Thats what shes there for right ? I thought this shit attitude died out last century .

Original poster

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 22:39

but I do take some of the responsibility. I'm not horrible to him and we normally have a regular sex life (okay he'd like it to be every second day and is not happy with once a week, but I just don't feel like it more than that.... what can I do?)

I'm just sad because he can't ever touch me to be loving, it always has to lead to sex for him. That's all. i know that some men rub their wives backs just to be sweet, because it's a nice thing to do... and not just because they want sex. That was my point, I think I'm being misunderstood here. I never said i don't want to have sex with him.

Was just after some advice on what to say to him to make this point to him - without making the situation worse.

OP posts:

ashamednamechanger · 09/01/2012 22:41

So if you do want to have sex with him, then what's the problem....I'm a bit confused now.

Original poster

gottasmile · 09/01/2012 22:43

but I didn't realise he even wanted sex, I thought he was just rubbing my back to be nice, it was just when he got stroppy that I realised why he was rubbing my back.

Yes, we definitely do have mismatched sex drives, but I thought it was okay to compromise. Maybe he resents that he has to compromise.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 09/01/2012 22:43

Being pestered for sex or pressured into having it more often than you want by someone sulking is a massive turn-off. And the fact that the OP has tried to explain how she feels to this man in the past and been ignored suggests that this is going to be a difficult problem to solve, because he feels, deep down, that he is entitled to have sex on her, that she exists to meet his needs and hers are less important.

Spero · 09/01/2012 22:45

As someone whose partner didn't want to have sex with me, can I just ask those outraged at his 'sulking' to just reign it in a little? It OS horrible when someone you love and fancy won't be intimate with you. It isn't a question of 'sulking'. I felt utterly crushed and it took me YEARS to get over it.

It is not unreasonable to have sex with your partner. I really think you need to talk to him or talk to someone else like a counsellor butplease talk about it. It won't just go away as a problem and will almost certainly destroy the relationship if not adressed.

ashamednamechanger · 09/01/2012 22:45

And in any case, why does HE have to go and lie down, and why do YOU have to make him a meal to make him feel better because you refused him sex???

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