feeling sad and disrespected

[gottasmile]

Please can someone help me get some perspective? Background is that we have issues related to sex. DH not enough, me not wanting much, but it happens every week to 10 days. We go along fine for a couple of months then if he feels neglected, sulks big time (is icy cold with me).

He took the day off today and after I'd taken dd to nursery, we had lunch and he went upstairs to rest (as he does weekends after lunch). I followed him up there, we watched half of a film and at the same time I was looking up something on the laptop.

He was stroking my back. When it was almost time to pick up the dc, I leaned over to him and said "you don't want to go do you"? in a joking way, as I knew he wouldn't. He rolled over and got mad saying how only when it was time to go that I came close to him.

I've been upset ever since, but trying to make light of it and asking in a joking way to stop being mean. He told me he was in a bad mood and asked me to make him a tea. So I did, to try to get him to snap out of his mood.

So I've realised that the stroking of my back had an ulterior motive (I should have known by now). And he wanted sex. I just feel like he's only nice to me when we've had sex (one example is the next morning he brings me coffee in bed, normally wouldn't dream of it).

I'm feeling sad that i don't have a husband who would want to stroke my back to be nice. (I know this sounds pathetic!) When he sulks like this I feel like I'm his prostitute, just here to provide sex. I now don't think that he truly loves me, that anyone could have done. And he doesn't respect me or truly want to do nice things for me.

How on earth can I bring this relationship back to mutual respect (if there ever was some there in the first place)? He's really hard to talk to - he's ALWAYS right and doesn't listen to my point of view.

What can I say to him to make him understand how sad he makes me? (I've tried to tell him how he makes me feel but he doesn't acknowledge it, he just looks at it from his point of view, that he's not getting enough sex)

Thank you if you've read this far. I hope I've been clear, I find it so hard to express this. Any advice would be appreciated.

ashamed, the problem is that he's stroppy with me now because I hadn't realised that he wanted to have sex. He said I only came close to him when it was nearly time for me to pick up the dc. He says that's the way it always is. But we just had sex 2 nights ago, so I don't understand him.

Like toptramp said, mismatched sex drives. Usually once a week is fine with him, but every now and then he gets mad if he thinks I haven't paid him enough attention. He gets annoyed that I take an hour to put the dc to bed, I should be with him instead.

I understand he wants my attention.... but we have 2 dc.

I'm going to try counselling and see if I can express this to someone in RL. I don't think I'm doing a good job on here!

Sorry but how many children do you have? 2 or 3?
Tell him to grow up and stop acting like a sulky petulant child.
God, he sounds like mine down to a tee. Which probably explains why I am not with him anymore.

Sorry - but a grown adult needing an afternoon nap would be a dealbreaker for me!

(not very helpful is it??)

Ill continue to be outraged about the sulking , because unless youve been on the receiving end of it its utterly soul destroying to be punished and belittled like this . There is a world of differance between someone having hurt feelings and someone punishing you and freezing you out for days because you didnt realise they wanted sex / attention or whatever it is .

Its also soul destroying to end up having sex you dont want because the alternative is a frosty few days that will spoil your kids party , in laws visit , holiday ect .

Theres nothing wrong with wanting sex , but there is something wrong in sulking when you dont get it , or attempting to punish someone when you dont get it . This is well documented and detailed on the womans aid website , and its classed as abuse . Also refusing to listen or acknowledge how someone is feeling is also abusive .

solidgoldbrass, that's exactly how I feel. I don't know how it really is in reality, but you've hit the nail on the head to how I feel.

Spero, I didn't reject him exactly. I think he's just annoyed because I didn't initiate anything while we were there together without the dc. Okay, I understand now that for him it would have been nice and now I wish I had initiated something (even though I didn't feel like it), but I'm really sad that he turned on me and is now ignoring me. But this has happened many times before and probably deep down has ruined our relationship. I do need to go and see a counsellor.

Thank you for your advice and thoughts.

OP don't allow yourself be bullied on this thread by the many people who seem to think your poor little diddums of a husband is hard done by and not getting any at all. Just for those who didn't see it first time, the op and her dh have sex once a week to 10 days, which correct me if I'm wrong, is not in the category of an awful sex life.

OP you are right, he IS treating you like a hooker. Into the bargain, he has the maturity of a toddler and if I were you, I'd go out and get him one of those adult babygros, just so he can look the part too. In relation to him going up for a little nap after lunch at the weekend, what is he, 90 next birthday? Let him do that all on his own in his babygro, at least you'll get a break from him.

Tell him that if the sulks don't stop, he's not going to get any sex at all. I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

Oh and remind him that his hand is always a good option if he gets desperate...

ashamed, I have 2 dc.

nonnomum he's mediterranean! I hate how he has to have these naps, it really bugs me.

Diggs - that's it...... and now i feel more sad than ever. Can counselling help if this is the situation? Thanks so much for your support.

BTW, you are expressing yourself perfectly. None of this is your fault. As far as I can tell, you are trying to keep him happy whilst looking after 2 young children. What does he expect....sex on tap?
I realise that there are a few, and I mean a few, good men out there, who really do want to just rub your back to make you feel good.
Unfortunately most of the blokes I've met, lived with, been married to, have only ever offered to rub my back because they want something more intimate to happen.
If you are lucky enough to have the prior, then he will not take offence when you do refuse sex because the DCs need picking up from school, he will understand.

It is dangerous to assume younknow what the other is thinking and that his actions are part of a deliberate process to hurt you. He could just be very upset and reacting in the only dysfunctional way he knows how.

The best thing you could do is stop trying to impose yournown or anyone else's analysis of his feelings and sort it out in real life.

sadder even!

Well said Hell .

Op , there are a number of books that i think you will find very helpfull , if you like i can inbox you with details , or alternativeley i have them and would happily send them to you . I suggest you google some of your concerns into google - husband sulking when not getting sex will bring up links directly to womens aid .

just because your DH is meditteranean doe not mean he abosolutely HAS to have an afternoon nap.
Remind him he is in the UK now.....we do not do naps, unless we are in a nursing home or have just given birth.

And we don't sulk.

that's what I want to do. I honestly have tried to talk about it with him, but he just states what is fact for him. He has his point of view, which is fine, but he will never try to look at it from my perspective.

I know I have to take some responsibility for the demise of this relationship, I'm the one whose sex drive has decreased a lot and he just wants it to be how it used to be. We do not communicate well and I WILL see a counsellor to get some real life help to save this marriage.

Diggs, thank you so much for the offer, but inboxing me with the details will be fine and great!
I don't talk about this to anyone and have lurked a lot on similar threads, but to have this support means a lot. Thank you.

Spero is right , there could be issues here that prevent him from communicating properly , but even so , his entitlement to sex is alarming to me . From everything i have read it is unlikeley that this behaviour would change . I am assuming he is not violent , doesnt scream in your face ect or be shit to the dcs .

This could be because hes just not that way inclined , or because what hes doing now works well . (You said yourself that you regret not initiating sex with him even though you didnt feel like it .) The trouble is as that people begin to realise whats happening , and begin to assert themself the person steps it up , it happens gradually and you dont even realise .

Only you know the ins and outs of your marriage , or whether he is abusive in other areas . A good book or counseller would help you establish whether you are dealing with someone who isnt good at communicating , or someone who is abusive . Sorry to say , that unless he has trouble understanding everyone else ( ie his boss ) i would be inclined to think him abusive .

I know he doesn't have to have the naps and they do annoy me. But he says they recharge him so he can stay up later (this is only at the weekend). He does work hard and during the week often falls asleep while I'm putting the dc to bed.

He was stroking my back. When it was almost time to pick up the dc, I leaned over to him and said "you don't want to go do you"? in a joking way, as I knew he wouldn't. He rolled over and got mad saying how only when it was time to go that I came close to him.

Taking that part from your OP. I would say you knew what he wanted. But I would also say that you wanted intimacy, not sex. Yet you wanted the reassurance that he still wants you in that way. There is a lack of communication and the best way to move forward in my mind is to sit down and explain to each other how you feel regarding sex drives and the sex that you do have.

Diggs, I have to admit that I've been thinking "abusive" for a while. We go along fine (sex wise) and then every few months he freezes me because he feels either that I've rejected him or neglected him. For me, I swear, nothing changes. Nothing is different. I used to think he was somehow hormonal!

But I do take the responsibility for having a decrease in sex drive, he wants me to be how I was pre dc. I just know that other men take this on board and accept it when they have children. I know it happens to many women. i feel that if he truly loved me, he'd be happy with the compromise....

Thank you again for your kind words. I have to go to bed now, have just realised how late it was!

Gotta, I understand what you're saying. It's that he's affectionate only when he wants sex and is making you feel guilty for not wanting to and quite innocently thinking he was just being affectionate. It's difficult, he feels it's your duty (part of his culture? Latino machismo perhaps?) I think he needs to grow up a bit, you don't have to do it just because he'll sulk if you don't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to and make sure he knows you will only want to when you feel geninely loved and respected.And rested! Your needs are equal to his.

But I do take the responsibility for having a decrease in sex drive

Well stop , and do it quickly or it will become about sex drives and he,ll beat you over the head with it for the rest of your life. That isnt the issue at all and its not your responsibility , its his . Who on earth would find sulking attractive ?

The wanting you pre dcs , ive heard it all before . Its unlikeley that the arrival of babys has decreased your sex drive , its more likeley that with a baby you found his competing for time and whinging very unattractive .

Do not take responsibility for something that isnt your fault . Has he been supportive of you ? Does he effectiveley co parent the dcs with you , or is it all about him ? It is totally normal to not want to have sex with someone who sulks at you , manipulates you , is jealous of the time you spend with the dcs and doesnt listen to what you are saying .

Hi, absolutely brand new here - first post ever.

Have you heard of the book The Five Love Languages? It sounds like your DH's love language is Physical Touch and that is how he feels loved. Your love language is likely something else. He probably doesn't know what it is. When you have sex with him, he feels loved and desired and his "love bank" is full.

What is your love language? - that is something you will need to figure out AND LET HIM KNOW. Sometimes, partners think if they feel loved one way, their partner will also feel loved the same way. That is often not true and the partner needs to make that clear so that each other's love bank is filled and then each make the effort to fill the others' love bank.

The other love languages are "Words of Affirmation", "Acts of Service", "Receiving Gifts", and "Quality Time".

It is a communication and respect of each others' love language thing.

The sulking and iciness - that, however, is childish

I don't know, to me, in bed, alone of an afternoon would equal sex opportunity (we have a toddler, so is not an actual reality for me) but I do remember that when we did have a couple of hours free in the afternoon, us both being in bed together during that time, would to me have equalled sexy time. I would have been mighty pissed if Dp had used this time to bollock about on the internet.

I reverse it in my head and think "I tried to seduce my partner, but she was too busy fannying bout on the internet to care, then it was too late, I feel terribly rejected" , believe me I have been there in the rejected state. Makes you feel great really, like you are so much more important than ebay or whatever in the actual only 2 hours you have had to yourselves in frigging years, breathe.

Your H sounds like a bit of a knobber when it comes to expressing his emotions. Sounds like sulking is his default form of communication when what he needs to say is "i feel rejected".

I feel a bit sorry for him though. You seem to think that he "uses" you for sex, rather than shows you love with sex. That's why you get so disgusted by him rubbing your back "for sex" rather than just out of love.

The thing is though, for a lot of people those two things are not mutually exclusive. Maybe he loves you, so he wants to have sex with you, so he tries it on regularly... because he wants to show you love... but you reject it and get indignant about how he's "using" you all the time.

One of you needs to break the cycle of rebuffing one another. It sounds like you and your H don't understand how the other expresses love, and you resent each other for that.

The 5 love languages is actually quite an eye-opener if you haven't read it. It's not for everyone but it certainly helped me understand how my H expresses love, and to adjust my expectations. And to learn how to ask for the specific type of love/affection that I appreciate the most.

People have missed the point about the back rub. The op is saying it would be nice if, from time to time, he rubbed her back WITHOUT wanting it to lead to sex. Not unreasonable at all imo.

One could fanny around with shrink language here ad nauseum, the bottom line is he wants HIS orgasm and sulks when he doesn't get it, which isn't on really considering he gets it on average once a week and they are busy with small kids. Plenty of men would kill for that. People should stop trying to push this problem on to the op, HE needs to deal with his emotional immaturity issues.