I think I've changed my mind about my DH looking for sex elsewhere

[thinkivechangedmymind]

I've namechanged for this because I don't want it linked to my usual posting name. Am a MN regular.

Been married 29 years, in our early 50s with 3 DC in their 20s who all still live at home (but that's another story!). I have severe health problems which limit my mobility and I am also short of breath even at rest sometimes. These have been worsening for the last 10 years, and I have been in Intensive Care twice in the last 4 years. My ability to have sex is nil, and I am not interested anyway, and this has been the case for years.

My DH works hard, he is self employed which means he has been there for me whenever I have been more unwell, takes me to appointments, does a lot around the house, and listens to my fears about my health. He had an affair 4 years ago, which I discovered through texts on his phone, but I forgave him because I need him, basically.

About 8 months ago we had a very brief talk, I basically asked why he stayed with me, he said he is committed to his wedding vows, and I said I would understand if he sought sex elsewhere as long as it did not affect either me or our children. He didn't really say anything then and it's not come up since.

About 4 months ago I realised he was shaving his private 'bits' - I have not let on I've noticed. He's always worked long hours, and goes running and plays football, but he's not been out longer than usual, or been different at home, until this last week.

He seems totally unlike his normal self - it's hard to explain - after being stuck in such a rut he seems happy. He left his computer logged in last night - and I looked on his e-mail - he has met someone 20 years younger than him, and I think he's not just having sex with her but falling in love with her.
I want to change my mind - he was home late from work a couple of times in the last week and her words about the way they spent those early evenings are imprinted on my mind now. I don't mind the sex - but I just don't want this to be happening. What do I do? I can't stop thinking about this and I wonder if it's all my fault.

Well look - through no fault of your own you are physically unable to fulfill some of his needs. It sounds too like you've withdrawn from him mentally as well 'My ability to have sex is nil, and I am not interested anyway, and this has been the case for years' AND you told him you could cope with him having sex elsewhere. It's hardly surprising that he has done so.

This is a wretched situation all round but I don't blame him for forming another relationship. You said it wasn't to affect you - and it hasn't. If you hadn't read his e-mail you would know nothing. Do you think reading his e-mail was a fair thing to do?

Sex is a huge part of most relationships. Is it reasonable to accept a still young and active man to accept a marriage so sterile? I know at least one couple who I'm pretty sure have very little sex life for health reasons but I'm damn sure they are still intimate and nobody will be telling anybody to find a shag partner.

I really don't know what you should do but if you want to stay married then you are both going to have to put some serious effort in to rebuild the love. I wouldn't tell him you know about the affair either unless you want to cause a row. Don't read his e-mail again.

What does he realistically get out of the marriage
What do you get out of it
Are you wiling to work on it
It may be too late and he has realised what he has been missing out on for years and not only sex

Hmm, ok well this is horrible but my gut reaction is that he isn't going to leave you, he is committed to you and clearly loves you and you gave him permission - it's unfair of you to then snoop on him.

If you can agree to him seeking sex elsewhere then you need to have a proper talk about it and set some boundaries. Dating and emotional connections are out of bounds as they threaten your marriage. I'm sorry for the position you are in, but it sounds like you need a hell of a lot more communication.

I don't know how much I really meant it about the sex elsewhere. I also think he should have checked that I really meant it. I do see that he shouldn't expect to live like this, but over the years I have raised our children, always kept a welcoming home, and I would never cheat on him.

I don't know how to bring it up, I don't want him to leave, but I don't want him to fall in love with a woman who is only 5 years older than our son. Is that not unreasonable? It seems a bit disgusting really, I think he has told her the situation, so I can't blame her, but what does she think she is doing with a married man 20 years her senior talking about 'wonderful lovemaking'?

Thanks for the responses, I am taking in what you are saying, and I feel less alone.

This is a tough situation. You were expecting him to simply go and pay for sex. He perhaps thought he was being given permision to go and have an affair?

As obsidian says alot more communication is needed.

I think this is an impossible situation for you OP. For him too, tbh. I hope it isnt too late for you to draw him back to you emotionaly and together work out what will make you both happy.

I feel sorry for you both. You want him for financial and emotional security.

WHat about his needs? Not just sexual, but the need to feel loved and cherished and sexy and to be more than a bankroll and a carer.

I think you need to tell him you know. And ask him what he wants to do. Maybe you need to release him from your wedding vows completely. You have kids at home to help around teh house, he will provide financial security onging - but doesnt he also deserve a chance of happiness?

If this is not what you want, then I think you need to look at how you meet his needs ongoing - not just the sex, but also his emotional needs. It sounds to me, (and obviously could be wrong) that you withdrew emotionally into your illness some years ago.

He should have checked? Errr you told him to do it!

You said you also only have him around because you 'well... Need him' which does not sound very nice, I too think you have pulled back emotionally. The snooping was bad!

OP is it too personal to ask what is the nature of your health problem? Is it something that could possibly be addressed by a change in lifestyle?

Poor bloke. You tell him to go have sex, but forget to mention to him that there is strictly no falling in love. What did you expect?

You wouldn't cheat on him because you're not interested in sex. And you gave him your explicit permission! You say he should've checked with you - but you brought the subject up and suggested it FFS! I think you're being very unreasonable - sorry. And your snooping on his emails is unreasonable too. Marriage is more than sharing a home and raising children - it's about love, companionship and yes, sex. If both partners agree to forego the sex part, then fine, but you have imposed a sex-free marriage on this man and he's decent enough to have stuck with you all these years. Now you've given him your permission to seek sex elsewhere and, surprise, surprise, he's taken you at your word. In his position, I'd have done the same!

he must be terribly lonely i think, it must be hell to live with someone but never have your emotional needs fulfilled

The mistake you've made is assuming that your husband could have a sex-only relationship that wouldn't result in him falling in love. That's the risk everyone takes when they have sex with someone else. When he had an affair before, did he say that it was only about sex? Being generous, that might have been the case with that woman, but this one might have had a different effect on him.

If you only had a 'brief' conversation about this 8 months ago, this speaks a lot to the state of your relationship - not just the sexual side of it, but the communication and emotional connection within it.
I think you're both at fault here though. Your husband knew he couldn't promise that an affair 'wouldn't affect you or the children' because no-one can do that, in practice. At the very least, coming home late is having an effect, but falling in love with someone else is going to do worse. He's also not being fair on the woman he's seeing, if he expects her to have a half-life with someone she loves.

For your part, you might need to realise that sex isn't the only need you've not been meeting in your marriage and in a way it's quite insulting to your husband that you think that's all he needed from marriage. It would be better if you both had a 'long' chat and decide what you want for your lives going forward. Ending the marriage might be the best option for all of you - and I include the other person in that. In turn you might find that being free to meet someone else might rekindle sexual feelings in you, that you had assumed had gone because of your illness.

Great post, Hattytown

As I have a dear friend who, together with her loving dh, has conceived 2 dc naturally despite being paralysed from the chest down, I must confess to being somewhat sceptical of your claim that health problems have resulted in you having 'nil' ability to have sex.

You should have given more thought to what you wished for as it sounds as if the genie's well and truly out of the bottle and, if he's found a woman who's making him feel like a red-blooded virile male, you're not likely to get him back in without providing what he's getting elsewhere.

You might need to talk to a sex therapist, especially one who has dealt with sexual problems for disabled people, as you they might have tips and suggestions which might help (like suggesting different ways of being intimate, use of sex toys which could be energy saving, and the like).

You sound as if your sex drive is gone as well, which may be a result of feeling sick, but could also be due to some other problem such as hormonal problems, so that also might be worth looking into.

It is often possible even with severe disabilities to have some sort of sexual life, even if it is different from the one you had before. I think the main problem here is that you seemed to have given up on the possibility of sex/sexual activity, and have lost interest in sex. I don't think it would be reasonable to expect your husband to do likewise, and it sounds like this was a disaster waiting to happen (and you did give him permission to have sex with other people).

I don't mean to sound harsh. I have a disability myself. If the relationship is important to you, and if he is not already lost to you, I think you need to work on re-introducing a sexual element to the relationship, and also as other people have said, learn to talk more about important issues with your husband (going to couple's counselling might help with this).

OP, I know that i am probably stating the obvious, but your relationship is in tatters and not just from a sexual point of view.

I think that you gave him the green light to have sex elsewhere but not really expecting him to do it, or maybe expecting him to do it on your terms, maybe sex, no emotion, with a woman of his own age. Now he has found a very young woman and its emotional you are struggling. I am not surprised, I would be too. Then again, I would not 'ok it' for my dp to have sex with another woman under any circumstances.

It must be incredibly hard for both of of you. To try and be accommodating to your dh and realise that he still needs sex/intimacy and for him to come to the realisation that it is not going to happen with you anymore.

This is something that very occasionally passes my mind if something I read prompts me or whatever, I have discussed it with my dp. If fi ever became disabled and could not have sex( it would have to be pretty severe as I would try some way to be intimate) then I would not be so naive as to think my dp would never want it again either. I could never ever agree to him having sex elsewhere unless I had stopped caring about him. I know it is easy for me to say, but I would have to end the relationship, because him shagging another woman/women, even just as a physical need would mean the end for me anyway.

Thank you, especially Hattytown and samhaircin.

I have very severe asthma, and it can be triggered by strong emotions. I have also had repeated collapsed lungs during severe attacks. My DH left for a few days during the affair 4 years ago, and then I was taken ill and into ITU. He stopped the affair and came home because he realised it could quite literally kill me. I have been on what I am told is a big dose of steroid tablets continuously for over a year now, and these have caused me to put on a lot of weight and changed the way I look.

I think we have companionship, he talks about work, we talk about the children, I confide in him, but probably more in my sister and a couple of friends. We sit and watch tv and read in bed together.

But maybe things are as bad as you say. If I try to reintroduce a physical relationship, why is he going to want an overweight breathless 52 year old when he can have his 30 something in gorgeous black underwear that can keep going for hours? I feel like she is laughing at me but I know I have no evidence for that.

He was an hour late home tonight and looks happy. I am torn apart inside.

So sad to hear op. There may be light at the end of the tunnel yet. You need to see a sex therapist and a counsellor and possibly a personal trainer or weight watchers to help you get back into shape, and build your confidence up.....you also need to talk to your DH deeply about your feelings......Hopefully he's not in love with OW already!

I'm disgusted by the critical comments the op is getting....like she doesn't feel bad enough posting to thousands of strangers - MN is a place we can all get our feelings out - no matter what, without having the likes of izzy criticising a sick woman for her lack of sex drive!!!!!

I think you will probably have to sit down and talk to him soon, as otherwise you will probably get torn up inside (I know I would in this situation).

You might benefit from counselling for just yourself as well (even if you end up going to couples counselling as well). It sounds like your self-esteem has taken a battering (understandable given the situation). This probably has affected your sex drive a bit (or confidence for doing anything), besides the health complications, which are obviously severe.

But from what you have said you would have great difficulty with "regular" sex so if you do try anything I would tread very carefully initially, so that you won't trigger an attack. Maybe just a bit of holding and touching initially or something, a sex therapist might have some guidance on how to approach this. I have not been to one, but it seems they often suggest removing anything too scary/difficult for the people involved from the options initially, in order to reduce the association between sex and stress, and so that the couple can concentrate on building up confidence and communication first.

However you might not be in any mood for anything sexual until you find out what exactly is going on with the other woman, and what he intends to do, and how you feel about the whole thing and so on. I don't think you should do anything which makes you feel bad about yourself, or which makes you feel used, or just have sex to try to keep him (rather than having sex because you love someone and want to). Personally I wouldn't want to be sexual with anyone who was with someone else, regardless of what led to it, so you probably need to talk first and then decide what you want yourself as well.

You sound like you still have some connection with your husband and that there could be something to build on. The weight thing is frustrating, and some steroids are known for causing weight gain. But a lot of men are not as worried about weight as women, if that is any consolation. You sound like you are being too hard on yourself. You might be older than the other woman, but on the other hand you have more history with your husband, and sound like you have a lot of good qualities, which he probably admires. He may just have gone off with her out of frustration, and out of not knowing how to deal with the situation.

You probably need to have a big talk with him about all of this. I think it is going to be hard but the worrying about what he is getting up to will be worse in the long-run. Good luck with it OP. It is a hard situation.

Im in a very similar position to the OPs DH. My marriage has been cuddleless no affection or touching at all and sexless for 16 years this year. My DH has lung problems and heart problems stemming from heart attack in 2006 but stopped being physical with me ten years previously.
In 2002/2003 i lost ten stone and began a long term affair which lasted 4 and half years. Split with OM in early 2008 (he showed big red flag signs of being emotionally and financially abusive) Unfortunately i comfort ate after that and am now trying to lose five stone.
When i see a love scene in something on TV,something simple like a man touching or stroking a womans face i sometimes get a lump in my throat and find it quite upsetting.

Oh I do feel for you OP.

Having been in a similar situation myself, I suspect you made your "offer" to your DH hoping he'd say no, I don't want to look elsewhere. Unfortunately you already knew he did, as he'd had a previous affair.

I know people sometimes think sex without affection is possible (I was one once) and men will often claim an affair was "just sex" but I honestly don't think it is, not on a regular basis with the same person anyway. Even if there's no love there to start with, good sex will grow loving feelings and for sex to be good there needs to be love.

What you do now depends on what you want from a marriage. So far your DH has done exactly as you asked, nothing has affected you or the family. Even if his is in love with the OW, he probably has no intention of leaving you. You need to decide if you want to carry on as you were.

It's so tricky. Of course he can't say anything, or bring anything up, when an emotional reaction from you can kill you.
If you want to talk about this properly I think he's going to need the back up of a professional, some sort of couples counselling will be the only way he can open up to you.

I very very much doubt she is laughing at you, she is probably heart broken for you and herself TBH.

It sounds to me like your husband loves you very much but not in a marital way, and it doesnt sound recipocated, it sounds more like need.

I think you will be treading a dangerous path if you push him, you told him he could find sex and he has, to remove that from him now is unfair.

I can imagine you feel trapped in an endless nightmare of ill health, but he is coming home to you every night xx

I feel really sorry for everyone involved in this, but particularly your husband. I would hate to think that I had no say over what happened in my life, because my partner was at risk of losing her life as a result.

You sound as though you are in a 'just good friends' relationship. I never thought I would quote Sting, but the words "if you love him, let him go" come to my mind.