I think I've changed my mind about my DH looking for sex elsewhere

[thinkivechangedmymind]

I've namechanged for this because I don't want it linked to my usual posting name. Am a MN regular.

Been married 29 years, in our early 50s with 3 DC in their 20s who all still live at home (but that's another story!). I have severe health problems which limit my mobility and I am also short of breath even at rest sometimes. These have been worsening for the last 10 years, and I have been in Intensive Care twice in the last 4 years. My ability to have sex is nil, and I am not interested anyway, and this has been the case for years.

My DH works hard, he is self employed which means he has been there for me whenever I have been more unwell, takes me to appointments, does a lot around the house, and listens to my fears about my health. He had an affair 4 years ago, which I discovered through texts on his phone, but I forgave him because I need him, basically.

About 8 months ago we had a very brief talk, I basically asked why he stayed with me, he said he is committed to his wedding vows, and I said I would understand if he sought sex elsewhere as long as it did not affect either me or our children. He didn't really say anything then and it's not come up since.

About 4 months ago I realised he was shaving his private 'bits' - I have not let on I've noticed. He's always worked long hours, and goes running and plays football, but he's not been out longer than usual, or been different at home, until this last week.

He seems totally unlike his normal self - it's hard to explain - after being stuck in such a rut he seems happy. He left his computer logged in last night - and I looked on his e-mail - he has met someone 20 years younger than him, and I think he's not just having sex with her but falling in love with her.
I want to change my mind - he was home late from work a couple of times in the last week and her words about the way they spent those early evenings are imprinted on my mind now. I don't mind the sex - but I just don't want this to be happening. What do I do? I can't stop thinking about this and I wonder if it's all my fault.

Funnily enough, while Overcockers is a whanger trying to do a forum raid, he does have a bit of a point: high-end escorts get a lot of business from men in similar situations to the OP'sH. High-end escorts are the ones doing it without coercion and making decent money, nothing wrong with that.

Good point - but if he's established an affectionate (for want of a better word) relationship with a younger woman where he's getting it for free I can't see that he'll be willing to start paying for sex with someone with whom he'd have little in common.

Without wishing to join in a bloody big argument that does nothing to help OP - I think you've been rather unfair to him, too, changed, and this might very well be due to your illness & medications making you feel closed-off and gloomy about things. Your H is not suffering from such emotional 'deadness' and is doing what a decent man would do with the permission you gave.

Quite honestly, I think your mistake was not in giving permission, but doing it so offhandedly. YOU NEED TO TALK, big time! Doing it with a counsellor would be a very, very good idea as this conversation is likely to career off the rails unless you have a moderator.

I could live with this situation. Not everyone could, but I'm far from rare in this. I currently have medically-induced 'deadness', which is why I empathise with that (I'm single) but have always been aware I could live with it. What I can't live with are secrecy, tricks and lies. It poisons your soul.

With good circumstantial reasons, agreed boundaries and some love, I could agree to it and be happy my partner was happy. Whether OW could - or is even a keeper - is a question to be answered after you and he have talked properly. It may turn out that it's really time for you to start managing your own well-being and let him go; I don't know.

You won't know, either, until you get talking. Good luck :)

Thats a lovely post Garlic. Made me well up a bit as i am in a similar position to the OPs DH .

OP, please don't be afraid to come back, I think it's very difficult to see a complete picture from your posts. Are you able to live without care? Could you move out and live alone with friends/family taking you to appointments or is this unfeasible? And has your H given you any reason to believe he wants to stay together other than due to your illness? Is it possible that your 3 grown up children could help more around the house and give your H a break? I do think if you decide to stay together you should definitely get some counselling.

For fuck's sake it's incredibly insulting to suggest that an escort is going to meet this man's needs!! Only misogynist tossers would think that having sex with a woman who wouldn't be doing it if she wasn't paid, is acceptable. This so obviously isn't about sex for this man, as it isn't for the majority of men. I really hate men being depicted as being nothing more than the sum of their sexual needs. No decent man has sex with a prostituted woman, what ever her reasons for doing it.