I think I've changed my mind about my DH looking for sex elsewhere

[thinkivechangedmymind]

I've namechanged for this because I don't want it linked to my usual posting name. Am a MN regular.

Been married 29 years, in our early 50s with 3 DC in their 20s who all still live at home (but that's another story!). I have severe health problems which limit my mobility and I am also short of breath even at rest sometimes. These have been worsening for the last 10 years, and I have been in Intensive Care twice in the last 4 years. My ability to have sex is nil, and I am not interested anyway, and this has been the case for years.

My DH works hard, he is self employed which means he has been there for me whenever I have been more unwell, takes me to appointments, does a lot around the house, and listens to my fears about my health. He had an affair 4 years ago, which I discovered through texts on his phone, but I forgave him because I need him, basically.

About 8 months ago we had a very brief talk, I basically asked why he stayed with me, he said he is committed to his wedding vows, and I said I would understand if he sought sex elsewhere as long as it did not affect either me or our children. He didn't really say anything then and it's not come up since.

About 4 months ago I realised he was shaving his private 'bits' - I have not let on I've noticed. He's always worked long hours, and goes running and plays football, but he's not been out longer than usual, or been different at home, until this last week.

He seems totally unlike his normal self - it's hard to explain - after being stuck in such a rut he seems happy. He left his computer logged in last night - and I looked on his e-mail - he has met someone 20 years younger than him, and I think he's not just having sex with her but falling in love with her.
I want to change my mind - he was home late from work a couple of times in the last week and her words about the way they spent those early evenings are imprinted on my mind now. I don't mind the sex - but I just don't want this to be happening. What do I do? I can't stop thinking about this and I wonder if it's all my fault.

Really sorry to hear about your health problems and living on a high dose of steroids. Have your doctors explained to you how they can affect your mental health? They can certainly cause you to feel angry and irritated etc and some find their sex drive is heightened on them and some the opposite. They can also cause you to be impulsive.

Please stop reading your H's emails - it will tear you apart. You need to talk to him openly about this. You have no idea what the OW is thinking about you, you need to stop trying to second guess it.

This is a rotten situation for all concerned, but please try not to think of either your H or the OW as villains. He is not abandoning you, he is just taking a little time for himself - it is very, very hard to be the longterm carer for a sick partner without some sort of external outlet. The OW may well be treating him as a pleasant, short-term fling and expecting nothing more from him, this does not mean she wishes you any ill at all.
Do you have any outlet/source of pleasure and enjoyment that it's safe for you to engage in? If not, maybe you should look into finding one: everyone needs some form of recreation and indulgence, whether that's sex, chocolate, a hobby or an artistic pursuit.

Op I am worried about you.

You say that strong emotions can trigger the attacks. You are in turmoil now, I think you need to speak to your dh now before your Heath is adversely effected and be honest with your feelings and let him be honest too,

Also heed sgb advice about not casting them as villains as you will torture yourself in the meantime.

This is such a sad situation all round.
If you have a type of asthma were emotions trigger attacks, I am not surprised if you have detached emotionally from your dh years and years ago. Has your asthma always been this bad? How has it been affected by the ups and downs of raising children? This is probably going to sound patronising, but are you sure it is the emotions triggering attacks, but physical activity? How well is your asthma managed? It seems to me you have been quite happy to keep the status quo with bad asthma, ill health, weight gain and emotional detachment from your dh. You say earlier on that you dont want to divorce him because you need him as a carer. It is hardly fair on your dh!
It seems to me that you need to take charge of your health and find out what you can do to improve things.

Finally, have you used your health as an excuse to stay detached from your dh, sexually and emotionally?

Really suggest you get yourself onto some polyamory forums or something. I know you haven't consciously got into polyamory, and I certainly wouldn't suggest it as an ideal for you until you'd sorted out your relationship problems, but some of the emotions you're experiencing might be good to discuss with people who've been in a similar situation. Two things which I note in your post and I have seen discussed in poly forums before: trying to insist that a partner while being 'allowed' to have sex elsewhere, is not allowed to fall in love with anyone else- frankly this is ridiculous, sorry; you can't control other people's emotions to that level, and while you have a right to ask him to be fair and consistent towards you and it's fair to expect that he doesn't prioritise other relationships above yours, you absolutely cannot tell someone how to feel about someone else! That's just crazy, and whenever I've seen people try to do it, it's led to a lot of upset for everyone involved. Secondly, as a primary partner, it's IMO almost emotionally abusive to suddenly change your mind about what's 'allowed' in your relationship. If you told your husband this was ok, and I do appreciate that might not have been fully what you meant at the time, going back on it now hurts potentialy three people, not just him. If he's told his new sex partner that he's in an open relationship, then she's not done anything wrong, and it would be completely unreasonable to ask him to cut contact with her for no reason other than that you've had a wibble about things. You need to talk to him, not speculate about her feelings which probably aren't anything like what you expect (in my experience, most women getting involved with older men in these situations aren't wanting them for serious commitment, they would rather have someone their own age for that!)

From my experience, 1) younger woman may have a crush on am older man (20yrs older!) but only a minority would see it as long term, once they aer past the initial high. She could end up HIS carer when she's 45-50.
2) men who deeply care about the wife and aer decent caring people (like your H) normally do not leave their ill wife, at least it would take htem years, or her expressed permission to leave. Sometimes they both agree that he stays as a friend and has flings, and it's rare that in a fling, however exciting, he'll find his soulmate! Married men often think they aer in love, but after a year rose-tinted glasses come off, and they stay with the wife.
I think you ar if a horrible position with the asthma and loss of confidence in your body. The only way out I can see is to seek different threatment for asthma, possibly alternative medicine (it's worth paying for best specialists), maybe accupuncture. Another alternative is to let him go (if he wants to, as I don't think he's ready to go now) and stay close friends if you both want that.

it's a very sad situation. intended or not your husband has been trapped with you through emotional blackmail (having to end an affair and come back to you because you got ill and could have died). you don't talk as if you love him but just need him and because you are happy to have someone for company and to be your carer the fact that you don't seem to be in love with him anymore doesn't matter to you. but it will matter to him of course.

it sounds like you said you'd understand him looking elsewhere in a bid to get him to reassure you oh no i wouldn't do that, which would be emotional blackmail/manipulation which is obviously dangerous. in this case it has backfired.

you need to talk honestly about your marriage and friendship and where you are at - guilt, obligation and need are not enough to run a marriage on. i'm afraid you do sound as if you just expect him to live in a loveless marriage to serve your needs which is understandable but i just can't see it being sustainable. it would end up breeding resentment.

do you love him? do you ever kiss him? hold his hand? tell him you love him? listen to him talk about his feelings etc?

I really feel for your husband. You don't speak about him in anything other than practical terms. There is no sense of love or affection from you towards him. You almost come across as "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either". I think you need to give him permission to leave. He's either going to eventually or he's going to stick around and become bitter and resentful and realise when he's a very old man that he's wasted the latter part of his life.

I remember watching a series about sex on Channel 5 several years back. It included an episode on sex and disabilities. There was a guy who had been paralysed from the waist down who gave himself injections into the base of his penis so that he could have sex with his girlfriend. He said he couldnt feel much himself physically but loved his girlfriend and got off on her being turned on. They seemed a lovely couple.

Is there a reason why people seem to be rather unsympathetic to the OP?? I have the feeling that even though you've namechanged people seem to know your backstory. Sounds like a painful and complicated situation and I think you need to confront things head-on and get some outside help and guidance.

Perhaps it's the OP really doesn't seem to be interested in her H's feelings at all. She needs him as her carer but doesn't appear to want to give him anything in return, and now he seems happier because he's having a bit of fun with someone else, she wants to put a stop to it.

Iim sorry to say this but everybody is entitled to love and be loved and feel that love through a sexual relationship, what you and he have is friendship and children together, it doesn't mean he has to be IN love with you anymore.

When you gave him the opportunity to sleep wth someone else with that came the fact that he might fall in love with someone else, feelings do get involved.

He is an honourable man staying where others may have left when things became too tough.

YOu might have been okay with the way things were he clearly wasnt, but he stayed because of his vows.

If he wants to leave you have to let him and not guilt him into staying because you need him. YOu yourself need to become more independant as I feel time for you and your husbands relationship is not long.

Just because she is younger it is not disgusting age is immaterial when there is love.

Agree with fabby and SGB

I'm shocked that so many people feel sorry for her DH in this! Have people forgotten that he had an affair BEFORE she told him to?
Yes she gave him permission to seek sex elsewhere, but people in relationships sometimes say things they don't really mean to get reassurance. Some of these posts are almost accusatory!

OP, to me it sounds like you have lost so much confidence that you now feel completely worthless. The fact that you are "torn apart inside" to me isn't the words of someone who is just "needs" her husband, but you sound like you still very much love him. Unfortunately it seems like he no longer feels the same.

I think you need to have a proper talk with him and be completely honest. Tell him how much this upsets you, that you've changed your mind and if he still wants to seek sex elsewhere you need to move on with your life and seek happiness elsewhere, because the situation as it stands is doomed.
Good luck.

I don't know any backstory cartblanche I just have sympathy for someone in such a stranglehold as the DH. That doesn't mean I don't have any sympathy for the OP suffering with her health problems but the man should not be in the marriage because he's being held to ransom.

I have sympathy for someone who has an affair when s/he has a very sick partner for whom s/he is expected to be the main carer, indefinitely, with no pay and no time off and a life devoid of fun. Very few people are capable of unending sacrifice with no outlet and by the sound of it not much appreciation either.
Yes, it's awful for the sick person too, but sometimes it's the sick person who gets all the attention and is not always easy to live with (understandably) and is short-tempered and resentful and demanding. The carer gets the odd pat on the head for being 'wonderful' and s/he may well be firmly committed to caring for the sick partner, but at the same time s/he needs some sort of outlet/leisure/relaxation time just to keep from going nuts.

I don't personally know the OP so am unable to comment on whether she provides "no fun" just because she is sick, or is "resentful and short-tempered" just because she is sick.
Sounds like you know her better than I do.
I just hope I never get sick and look for support on here.

Unfortunately society does not value carers at all which doesnt help situations like this.

He isn't cheating on you because you gave him permission. He didn't choose to see another woman over you- she's an outlet. Hopefully she sees him the same way too.

Ask him about the emails you may have just read more in to it becaus eyou are feeling hurt.

I don't actually think all the "ask him" / "have a proper talk with him" advice is feasible in this situation.

they are partners, they are married, if he is as supportive as he is, who else is she suppossed to talk to? who else can answer her questions or calm her fears?

this may sound obvious but have you tried other ways, like not actually sex?

But he's not in a position where he can speak openly.

Your "DH" sounds like a decent guy, sit down and talk to him. Explain that you don't mind him having the odd bit of sex outside your relationship but you do not want him having a relationship with someone else.

Maybe suggest an escort?

An escort?? Seriously? Most decent men would abhor the idea of paying for sex when there's such a high possibility that it would be with someone who is either being coerced into it or doing it to fund drug addiction.

Silly me... Overclockers I remember now - you're a bloke.