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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh god feel so guilty :-(

64 replies

WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 20:25

Lovely guy, treats me well but I'm no longer happy in the relationship.
It's nothing he's done, it's just a combination of a lot of things, the main one being that he never wants to get married and doesn't want us to live together for at least 10 years (and I suspect this is financially motivated as his income drops quite rapidly in 10 years and I earn more than him). I feel like there is no future for us and I don't want to spend the next 10 years stuck in this suspended state. I want to move on. I want to marry. I want to drink wine on a gondola in Venice with my OH, I want to argue about Christmas decorations with my OH, I want to snuggle down with a movie and a cup of hot chocolate after a full day spent shopping in the rain - I want a normal relationship.
I feel so, so guilty though. I planned to tell him today, he came to pick me up and we went bird spotting. Before you laugh - this is his hobby, not mine. I love all animals but in a "awww init cute!" kinda way, personally I would rather have spent the day eating fish and chips on the seaside front freezing our arses off but anyway - I planned to tell him. But he started talking about all the stuff he has planned in his head for the next 2 years and it ALL relies on me . The cottage retreat in Scotland he has his heart set on relies on me going with him. The forest walks in summer rely on me going with him. The bird spotting at the break of dawn which he has planned relies in me going with him - his whole life relies on me being there to do stuff with him He has no friends. He goes to work, comes home and anything inbetween he relies on me for.
If I break it off with him I have this vision of him sat at home thinking about the cottage in Scotland etc I know it's not my responsibilty for him to be happy but why, why, why do I feel so guilty and sad?

OP posts:

barkwithnobite · 08/01/2012 20:29

Do you mind if I ask how old you both are? 10yrs seems an awfully long time to expect you to wait!

frumpygrumpy · 08/01/2012 20:32

You feel guilty and sad because you know telling him your dreams are not the same is going to make him sad and you know you don't want to.

You want him to be happy and, at the moment, nothing makes him happy like YOU. But his happy-meter would go up and your happy-meter would go down.

If you are not happy then, ultimately, you can't make him happy. You are different. And either that difference works or it doesn't.

You MUST think about you. Its not unkind. You have bravely been thinking a lot about this. Every credit is due to you. xxxx

tribpot · 08/01/2012 20:32

He can't give you any of the things you want, but you feel guilty? All of his plans revolve around you doing what he wants - and you feel guilty?

Put simply, you want different things. Put a little bit more complicatedly, he wants a relationship which is entirely on his terms (at least from what you have written here). That's his choice, albeit I don't think it's a very realistic one, but you have your choice too.

Vicky0790 · 08/01/2012 20:33

Just be honest with him, do you really want out or are you bothered that he won't commit?

busybusybust · 08/01/2012 20:37

Mmmmmmm - Asperger's?
whatever 10 years is FAR too long for anyone, young or old, to hang around 'hoping'. Best get short of him, I think.

savoycabbage · 08/01/2012 20:37

What tribpot said. He is wanting a lot on his terms but you want the things you want from a relationship too. And you aren't getting them.

Original poster

WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 20:37

I'm 30, he's 38 but he acts much older (and if truth be told, I probably act younger than my age). I can't face the thought of another 10 years sleeping alone almost every night I keep looking at my hand and I do want to see a ring on there some day. I can't go on like this, it's a waste of life but I feel so guilty it's preventing me from telling him which is dragging it out even further.

OP posts:

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 20:38

Because you're a twit and he's a sad fuck twitcher?

All the things he's got his heart set on don't rely on you going with him as they are all pursuits that he can do entirely on his little lonesome.

On the other hand, all the things you have your set on need an amiable and sociable man who's prepared to share rather than monopolise your valuable leisure time.

10 years before you can live together when his income coincidentally drops? I wouldn't give this guy another 10 seconds.

If you can't bring yourself to tell him he's history any other way, send him a text. Frankly, it's no more than he deserves for taking the piss out of you.

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 20:40

Correction: 'you have your mind set on'

marmiteandjam · 08/01/2012 20:41

Just bite the bullet and break it off. Why should you be unhappy just to make him happy? Have you got children/want children? When this magical 10 year point comes round, what if he still doesn't want to commit (which I suspect he won't). You will have wasted all of your thirties and most of your fertile years with him.

ninah · 08/01/2012 20:41

I get where you are coming from and yy move on
but bear it in mind 'normal relationships' aren't necessarily replete with wine and gondolas

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 08/01/2012 20:44

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 08/01/2012 20:48

Why do you feel guilty? He is the one not wanting to marry you. His reasons for not wanting to get married yet sound like an excuse. You have nothing to feel bad about.

barkwithnobite · 08/01/2012 20:51

10yrs....what a joke.....get rid of him.....

MrsHuxtable · 08/01/2012 20:53

What are your life plans? Do you want children? It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. Don't feel guilty!

Vicky0790 · 08/01/2012 20:55

I know it's easy to say, but the time you are wasting on him is reducing the time you could be spending on someone else ......

EnjoyResponsibly · 08/01/2012 21:01

In your whole OP you don't mention once that you love him.

End it.

loosyloo · 08/01/2012 21:01

what does he say when you tell him all your dreams for the future

Original poster

WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 21:01

I know Vicky, that's what is worrying me the most

I have children (previous relationship), don't want anymore but do want to settle down and have a "married life"

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 08/01/2012 21:01

Ten years of purgatory? No way. Just... no.

I don't really understand what you mean by financial motivation due to income dropping in 10 yrs - how does he even know this? Do you mean he would want you to look after him financially, and you don't get him looking after you now? WEIRD.

willybreeder · 08/01/2012 21:05

Everything tribpot says!! Of course you don't want to make him sad and lonely but he's not responsibility and he doesn't sound like he takes your needs and dreams into his life.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 08/01/2012 21:09

His whole life rely on you, yet he does not want to do what you want to do. You come with him on his hobbies, you take him to Scotland, etc. Yet he does not want to commit to you, he does not want to marry you, he does not want to move in with you (until he gets a paycut and HAS to)

Hello!!!

This guy is not for you. (Although you may be perfect for him.... as long as you dont expect anything of him - which, miraculously you dont!)

Appuskidu · 08/01/2012 21:24

How odd! What's going to happen in 10 years that will make his income drop?

If you want children together, but you're not going to actually move in together for ten years-there are no guarantee that will actually happen. A friend of ours wasted 12 of her 'childbearing years' waiting for her boyfriend to propose. They are now longer not together and she is 43 and can't see herself having babies at all; that is so sad :(

I'd tell him straight and onw. You can't stick around just because he's said he's looking forward to doing some stuff with you. He could do that alone, or with anybody else-you've got to put yourself first; nobody else will.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 08/01/2012 21:25

Does he retire in 10 years?

tribpot · 08/01/2012 21:31

You haven't replied to many posts but I noticed you have picked up on Vicky's comment that the time you are wasting on him you could be spending on someone else - and this is what is worrying you the most.

It sounds like you feel you need to be with someone (or rather, anyone) rather than face life alone. Is that what is holding you back? I don't mean you're keeping him going until someone better turns up but rather that you don't want another relationship to end. Is it guilt?

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