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Original poster

Oh god feel so guilty :-(

64 replies

WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 20:25

Lovely guy, treats me well but I'm no longer happy in the relationship.
It's nothing he's done, it's just a combination of a lot of things, the main one being that he never wants to get married and doesn't want us to live together for at least 10 years (and I suspect this is financially motivated as his income drops quite rapidly in 10 years and I earn more than him). I feel like there is no future for us and I don't want to spend the next 10 years stuck in this suspended state. I want to move on. I want to marry. I want to drink wine on a gondola in Venice with my OH, I want to argue about Christmas decorations with my OH, I want to snuggle down with a movie and a cup of hot chocolate after a full day spent shopping in the rain - I want a normal relationship.
I feel so, so guilty though. I planned to tell him today, he came to pick me up and we went bird spotting. Before you laugh - this is his hobby, not mine. I love all animals but in a "awww init cute!" kinda way, personally I would rather have spent the day eating fish and chips on the seaside front freezing our arses off but anyway - I planned to tell him. But he started talking about all the stuff he has planned in his head for the next 2 years and it ALL relies on me Sad. The cottage retreat in Scotland he has his heart set on relies on me going with him. The forest walks in summer rely on me going with him. The bird spotting at the break of dawn which he has planned relies in me going with him - his whole life relies on me being there to do stuff with him Sad He has no friends. He goes to work, comes home and anything inbetween he relies on me for.
If I break it off with him I have this vision of him sat at home thinking about the cottage in Scotland etc Sad I know it's not my responsibilty for him to be happy but why, why, why do I feel so guilty and sad?

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyShallow · 08/01/2012 21:33

As long as you are emotionally attached to this man, your heart wont be free to move on to another.

pictish · 08/01/2012 21:38

Why does his income drop in 10 years? This I must know!

Flanelle · 08/01/2012 21:43

Is it some kind of forces thing? No, that's wrong-sounding. But I'd like to know too.

Bit worried about you fixating on rings and gondolas. They do not a marriage make. Just sayin.

babyhammock · 08/01/2012 21:55

He might be going part time with his work... Lots of colleagues of mine did this in my line of work..

As for the other, please don't feel guilty. He's a piss taking, extremely entitled twat. Leave him and find someone lovely who wants to snuggle up with you's what I say x

SparkleSoiree · 08/01/2012 22:01

Each day you waste being happy is a day you could have taken control and began a new life that revolves around you and your wants/needs.

you deserve to be happy 100% - no half measures. Get out there girl and find a man who wants to have a full and adventurous life with you that suits you both!

Original poster
WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 22:21

His income drops in 10 years as that's when his DC leave full time education and he loses his housing benefit and child tax credit. He is unskilled so stuck in minimum wage job which relies on tax credits to top it up. Once his DC are no longer living with him he will lose much of his income.
It's not that I'm scared of being alone, I'm fine with being single as long as there was "some" hope that I might meet someone one day. At the moment I'm neither in a real relationship or single meaning I don't get the best of either worlds. Just the shitty parts of both. At least if I was single, I'd be free to date etc - there would be SOME hope. At the moment I feel trapped to live alone forever.
I suppose the truth is I'm not scared of being alone, I'm scared of him being alone because I don't think he'll handle it very well. His social skills are poor, he would find it so difficult to meet someone and he never goes out anywhere so wouldn't meet anyone that way either.
I know marriage isn't just about flowers and rings - I'm really not naive but it is about commitment. It's about having someone there to hug/talk to/shout at/ignore/interact with at the end of the day - I want someone in my life 24/7 who is there no matter what day it is. Someone who doesn't "NEED" me but WANTS me - and vice versa.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyShallow · 08/01/2012 22:23

You should not feel sorry for him. He has made his choice. He does not want to marry you. He does not want to move in with you.

It is up to you whether you accept this deal or not.

If I were you, I would not stay with them just because they will be alone because they wont marry you or cohabit. It is insane.

pictish · 08/01/2012 22:24

Oh em gee.....so basically, this guy reckons he'll have the state pay his rent for as long as he can, and then when that's no longer viable...you can pay it instead?

Come off it OP! He expects you to hang about for 10 years for that??!!

notagoodnurse · 08/01/2012 22:26

You're not a charity for sadsacks. Get rid, seriously, his happiness is not your responsibility but yours IS.

Doesn't sound much like you'd want to be with him forever even if he did change his mind? He's stuck in a rut, don't join him in it!

Original poster
WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 22:27

That could just be me being paranoid, he hasn't actually said that's the reason he wants to wait 10 years, his reasoning was that the children would be off to university in 10 years so it would be easier. My inclination came from the fact however that he started saying about how his income would drop when they left and how well off we'd be if we lived together in the future (which is a bit silly really as I'm not on a brilliant wage either!).

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 08/01/2012 22:32

he won't marry/live with you, cos he'd lose his benefits!

Who will be funding this Scottish Retreat? YOU by any chance?

He IS officially a cocklodger!

Trust your instincts, tbh, the speech he trotted out with today would have had me grabbing the bull by the horns and bringing him RIGHT up to speed!

Dump him.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 08/01/2012 22:33

It is pretty daft, to allow oneself to be strung along for 10 years, without any real commitment.

It is not going to be so easy to find a new "boyfriend" in 10 years time, to "grow old with". What are you going to do in 10 years, if he still drags his feet?

My bet is that he is happy just the way he is!

pictish · 08/01/2012 22:33

Loving all his daydreams too - he's got great plans for your wages hasn't he?

babyhammock · 08/01/2012 22:35

Ah OP stop feeling guilty right now. He made his bed let him lie in it. No he probably won't meet anyone else with that attitude...who would! But that is his choice. How dare he think it acceptable for you to live in limbo like this and kept in some kind of box. He's brought this on himself and if he doesn't like being alone when those are his terms then tought shit

Original poster
WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 08/01/2012 22:37

To be fair, he does pay half towards these plans of his. I rarely pay more than half for anything - tight as a ducks arse etc! But then I never expect anyone to pay for me either so not too bad is it?
I know I need to tell him and to stop wasting time. I just feel so guilty because he really doesn't see it coming and he seems so happy and content with everything. I hate being the bad guy, which is how I will come across.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 08/01/2012 22:45

You: 'I want to get married, share my life..normal stuff really. You don't and I don't wish to make that much of a compromise anymore'

Inertia · 08/01/2012 22:47

There's no need to feel guilty- you want different things. He hasn't made any kind of commitment to you, it's not as though you would be reneging on any vows if you break it off with him.

Of course he's content- companionship on his terms, no hassle about having children, his social life sorted for him, and income protection lined up for whne his children leave home.

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2012 22:50

His social skills can't be that bad if he had a relationship before you.

His happiness isn't your responsibility.

You also have no guarantee that in 10 years time any chance of your being together will actually happen.

If you don't want what he wants - and if I'm brutally honest, I don't see what you get out of any of it - then it's kinder to quit now.

And as he doesn't seem to have consulted you on these dreams of his, how bothered about your wishes and dreams is he?

RandomMess · 08/01/2012 22:51

How would you feel if he turns around and committs to living together after you break up with him?

QuintessentiallyShallow · 08/01/2012 23:01

yes, if he agrees to move in together now. Would you be ecstatic, or filled with dread?

Original poster
WhoDrankAllThePepsi · 09/01/2012 07:42

I would feel disappointed that I'd had to back him into a corner.
I shouldn't have to force him to commit, he should want to.

OP posts:
Strawbezza · 09/01/2012 08:38

He sounds like a selfish arse, presenting you with all of his plans as a fait accompli. Does he ever ask what your plans are? I think you should cut your losses now and ditch him.

ClaraSage · 09/01/2012 09:00

This is a very sad thread. I don't think you love this man OP and I'm not sure how he feels about you. I think you're with him because you think you won't find anyone else.However, you are not responsible for him and should not feel guilty.

AgathaCrusty · 09/01/2012 10:57

To look at it another way, the longer you drag your feet about finishing it with him, the longer he will have to wait to meet someone who genuinely wants the same stuff as him (if that person exists?).

It's best for both of you to move on from this.

oldmerryolesoul · 09/01/2012 11:01

And this is why you need to dump him now...its all me, me, me. As you say you should be planning together no slotting into his lifestyle while he is not willing to give in return