f.book -reunited with 1st love but we both married what to do?

[redhead24]

Help help help.
I'm going through a seperation (another story for many many reasons), but during this process, my first ever boyfriend and first love and I got back in contact about this time last year.
He's also married with dc.
We've only chatted on line Skype and mobile (live other ends of the country) but we've both realised that we made some huge errors letting one another go, (we never argued or anything, was just a time of life thing, being young etc).
I'm in the middle of seperating from my husband, while he's living in the same house with his wife but in seperate bedrooms, and wondering if their latest kid is even his!
We half talked about the possibilities of getting together as neither would want to be unfaithful to our partners. i.e. if we were to take it further we'd both need to be single and available.
But as we have 5 kids between us, who are all young, even if we were both available tomorrow, we couldn't be together as his job, I can't unsettle my kids as have moved way too many times. So it's like a no go.
We're both hankering after each other big time, not because of 'just' reminising over the good old days but we totally click which has made us realise even more how wrong our marriages have been.
So don't know what to do on this one.
Write it off, it'll never be. Run after my true love, and make it happen!
Just continue to sit in turmoil (we daren't meet up as we fear for the repocusions) and crave each other from afar, staying unhappy and for what?
It's like someone has just given me the golden ticket and then I realise there's a glass screen in between!

Chubfudder not you. None.
Anyfucker.
oops sorry for the confusion, glad you get on well with Anyfucker, but her comments I found too harsh for my palette

I think people are just trying to do you a favour by bursting your unrealistic romantic bubble - sorry if that hurts.

This guy is cheating emotionally on his wife - he's not an honest person. How could you ever trust him?

I called you "ridiculously naive"

report my posts for "name calling" if you wish

it doesn't make it true

You are having an emotional affair with a married man.

Call it what it is.

and while we are talking about "advice for the future" you would do well to take mine to you

I shall take yours to me as hurt feelings, and I understand why

There is a factual book written by Nancy Kalish called 'Lost and Found Lovers'. She is a US researcher with some sort of psychological degree. She has dedicated her life it seems to researching people who get back together with their first loves. It is becoming more commonplace since the Internet explosion. She explains why first loves are so consuming in her book (think it's down to love/sex connections being made in the brain or something can't quite remember).

This is the dangerous bit...in her book she says that out of the couples questioned in her study (@1000 couples I think) that were reunited 1st loves- 75% were still together after 5 years. However, if one or both partners had current partners then getting together was a catastrophe and led to family breakups. She advises if you want to rekindle a relationship you need to be completely single first. It's like playing with a particularly hot fire I suppose.

It is a good book very insightful. Have a look online or at the book.

I sympathise with you...I also refound a sort of lost love but I did not go there even though I want to as I have a DD and DH. If I had found him when I was single I would literally not even be in this country. That's why I read the book...to stop me buying a one way plane ticket!!!

If this guy had real doubts and he was intending on getting out of his marriage due to his wife's infidelity he'd do a paternity test. Swab the inside of his and child's mouth with a kit and await the results.

Facts: he still is married, living cheek by jowl with the woman he chose to make binding vows to and by whom he has children. No idea if he's shagging her still or not (oldest one in the book to say they're not sleeping together) but anyway there is far more to a marriage than just sex.

If you heard that some married guy was getting his kicks talking about sex to an ex whilst still living with his wife, you'd say he was a knob.

The reality of 5 upset and angry children in the mix takes the shiny gloss of a nice ego boost.

(Btw, AF is a softy sweetheart but she tells it like it is)

Forgot to say in this book...the success of the rekindled relationship seemed to depend on the reasons they broke up. The most successful relationships was were the break up was due to circumstances outside the couples control such as moving a long way apart etc.

Enjoy being single for a bit and find someone worthy of you.

If and when you see each other again, you won't feel anything, I guarantee it. It is only the way it is because of the situations you are both currently in.

Yup, that was the line my H used to OW he was attracted to. I had no idea that I was such a terrrible wife.

When he told her 'I don't love my wife any more' with the express intention of fucking her and being with her. At that moment, unbeknownst to me, my marriage ended. THAT was the betrayal. Everything after that, just technicalities (and they hurt).

Broke my heart although he came scuttling back once his fantasy was found out and hers in the end, she got used.

Please, please please listen to what Lego said. Of course you are enjoying the attention, but don't confuse it with love. And that he is reminiscing about the SEX?

He is telling you what he wants, and it isn't your beautiful personality!! He senses your vulnerability, and is moving in. Not to hurt you, or his wife, but it is all about him, and the ego stroke distraction from the problems he doesn't want to solve.

Sleazy fuckers always paint their spouses in a bad light when they are trying to shag anyone else . Notice I said anyone ( not someone) . You could be just anyone.

I bet his wife is lovely , woman who -puts- -up- -with- -shit- adores him.

This crap about the youngest child's eye colour , is just a line to make you feel that cheating on his wife with you isn't that bad ( she's done it first, eye for an eye and all that )

Do you really want to have sex with a man who lies about an innocent child of his? . What a nice father ? (not). Or who lies about the woman he married , who he made vows to in front of his friends and family ? ...he's made you no such vows, if he gets away with this , can you imagine how badly he will eventually treat you ? ( if your daft enough to let him in your life) .

I believe if a first love was that special , they wouldn't be a first love ...they would be the only love iykwim. Don't go back , go forward..you are worth so much more than this idiot sleazebag could ever offer you .

Exactly. An 'open intelligent and honest' man does not start casting aspersions about his own child's paternity just to get into another woman's knickers...

Can you even IMAGINE how the child will feel if s/he ever finds out what the man they know as their father was saying this over the internet to someone he hasn't seen for years?

So he suspects his wife of having being unfaithful (foot in between OM's legs during dinner party ?!), maybe his confiding in you, online affair, EA (or whatever it is?) is to avenge his wife's?

Dear God OP you sound about 14.

If you have so much as a grain of common sense in that giddy head of yours, you will steer well clear of this brainy, handsome, caring, exploitative, dishonest, unfaithful user of a man.

His reason to doubt the paternity of his youngest child is that the child has green eyes where he has brown? He sounds about 14 too.

There are kids embroiled in this utter nonsense, and you would do better to be mindful of them.

I'm another one with that eye-colour combo in my family. I do hope people aren't suspecting me :)

My advice is to keep him at arms length. You are going through a break-up and you and your children do not need the input of someone who you do not know if he is telling the truth or not. You need to deal in absolutes.

Tell him about the eye colour thing as well - hopefully it will help his relationship with the poor baby. I have to say, he does sound like he's going to be a rat :(

My ex has brown eyes , I have blue . 3 kids that are both ours ,one has green eyes , one has blue , one has brown.

I have brown eyes, my son has blue eyes, he is definitely mine!

at a confusing time you are hankering back to a more carefree youthful time before your marraige got heavy. He is associated with this, this does NOT MEAN you will go back to your younger self if you go back to him, he is not the younger freer man you remember and chat about, it's nice to go back there in memories but it would not be the reality if you got together and were managing kids and mortgages together.

And he is not single. Nothing he says about wanting to be single or feeling single makes him single. Till he does it its all bullshit!

If his wife's his FB frend, I'm surprised she hasn't noticed your presence.

Best hope not.

how young is the latest kid, have you considered that the sleeping in separate beds might be due to co-sleeping not relationship problems?

(if it's really happening)

Get out your marriage as cleanly as you can. Stop contact with the OM completely. One day when you are both in a better place get in touch again but not now. Sort out the end of your marriage first for the sake of all your children but ultimately that will be better for you too.

My friend met a man on an internet dating site.

She is single, but desperately wants to be settled down and have a family.

He lived about 2 hours away from here by car.

He told her this terribly sad story about how he wasn't sure that the baby was his (baby was 18 months iirc) that he and his wife were sleeping in separate rooms, that they hadn't had sex since the baby was conceived.

They texted all day every day but strangely never between 7 and about 10.

They skyped 1 or 2 nights a week, late at night.

They had lovely romantic nights in a hotel half way between the two houses as he didn't want to bring her to his house where his stbx was living as that would be rubbing her nose in it.

And of course it was all bullshit. He turned out to still be married, she ended up with her heart broken and is still getting over it.

He's pulling a version of the same line on you.

Sorry, also meant to say let him sort out the end of his marriage too, if that is really going to happen.

Having been in a similar situation, I'd recommend steering clear of the "fabulous first love" route. I bumped into mine years ago whilst in the midst of a rocky marriage and believed he would be the answer to my prayers. So we kept in touch, vowing to be together one day as we were "both" so unhappy with our current partners.

Long story short, I left my husband. He never left his wife - and eight years down the line I've found out he's gone on to have two more kids with her and they're still together.

Don't fall for it.

My X is egyptian, deep dark brown eyes. My eyes are green/brown. The ONE thing we thought our ds would have would be brown eyes. WRONG! Turns out my mum's blue eye genes kick arse! My boy's eyes are pale blue.

You are being fed a ton of BS OP, and because you are coming out of what perhaps is an abusive/unhealthy relationship, you are clinging to the hope that there will be a man ready and waiting for you when you get out, to pick up the pieces.

He's a player love, trust me.

You need to end this OM thing, for once and for all. A decent bloke wouldn't talk about his wife like that. In time YOU'LL get the same treatment when he's bored with you. You need a man to be honest, kind and gracious. This guy is none of these things.

AF may have touched a nerve love, and she has done with me on a number of occasions, but she is one my my most cherished MN friends here. She says what she means and it ALWAYS comes from the very bottom of her capacious heart.