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Original poster

f.book -reunited with 1st love but we both married what to do?

83 replies

redhead24 · 07/01/2012 21:01

Help help help.
I'm going through a seperation (another story for many many reasons), but during this process, my first ever boyfriend and first love and I got back in contact about this time last year.
He's also married with dc.
We've only chatted on line Skype and mobile (live other ends of the country) but we've both realised that we made some huge errors letting one another go, (we never argued or anything, was just a time of life thing, being young etc).
I'm in the middle of seperating from my husband, while he's living in the same house with his wife but in seperate bedrooms, and wondering if their latest kid is even his!
We half talked about the possibilities of getting together as neither would want to be unfaithful to our partners. i.e. if we were to take it further we'd both need to be single and available.
But as we have 5 kids between us, who are all young, even if we were both available tomorrow, we couldn't be together as his job, I can't unsettle my kids as have moved way too many times. So it's like a no go.
We're both hankering after each other big time, not because of 'just' reminising over the good old days but we totally click which has made us realise even more how wrong our marriages have been.
So don't know what to do on this one.
Write it off, it'll never be. Run after my true love, and make it happen!
Just continue to sit in turmoil (we daren't meet up as we fear for the repocusions) and crave each other from afar, staying unhappy and for what?
It's like someone has just given me the golden ticket and then I realise there's a glass screen in between!

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 21:34

There's nothing positive in this situation. He's married. You're married. Separate and then get together and see if there's something.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2012 21:34

the positive ?

you had a (dubious) ego boost

now you have realised you have been naive, you can put it down to experience and use it as a boost to do what is best for you and your dc

if that is splitting from your H, so be it

but sneaking around like this with a "long lost love" is so cringeworthy it is beyond belief

get out of this other man's marriage and find your own self respect

Punkatheart · 07/01/2012 21:36

You cannot use him as your only excuse to smile...this is ego talking. This 'beautiful' thing will so quickly turn ugly. He is talking sex with you and getting his kicks.

Look, I am currently separated and I understand that you feel sad and fragile. But if a married man gave me attention? No chance. Ever. I could never cause pain to another woman, or children for that matter. That is their daddy.

ABatInBunkFive · 07/01/2012 21:37

Why not leave your husband now better for everyone all round, oh and on the subject of eye colour my dh and i both have brown eyes our dd has blue, she id most certianly his.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 07/01/2012 21:37

A positive. When your marriage is finally over and you have had the chance to do some real thought about where you want the rest of your life to go, when you know that all your remaining feelings for your former partner are settled.

That's when you get to start again.

With someone who deserves you.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2012 21:37

OP, you are the queen of cliches

why do you need a man to make you feel good about yourself ?

get out of your marriage and be on your own for a good while

there must be a scrap of self esteem in there somewhere...being a player in someone else's marriage carcrash is not the way to unearth it

starsintheireyes · 07/01/2012 21:37

The eye colour thing is sooo funny! work this out- my exp and i have brown eyes, as did both my parents, his parents have green and hazel eyes-yet- our ds1+2 have bright blue eyes, dd, brown eyes.

Myself and exp must carry the blue eye gene. as by the sounds of it, does the chap youre talking about.

starsintheireyes · 07/01/2012 21:38

Its a very unreliable form of paternity proof ime lol

Mollyfloss · 07/01/2012 21:38

Redhead: My husband has brown eyes, I have green and DD1 has blue. It is very much genetically possible but then in all his attributes you didn't mention anything about him being clever ;-)

Seriously I've known a few people to have had these sorts of relationships via facebook, skype etc. It is not REAL LIFE. Anything could be going on behind the scenes. I think you should try best your to figure out something with your husband. He is after all the man you decided to marry and the father of your kids...

QuintessentiallyShallow · 07/01/2012 21:39

You are having an emotional affair.

"And then there's my first true love, who's brainy, handsome, kind hearted, trustworthy, really emotional, thoughtful, caring, really involved with his kids, open etc etc... "

You are looking back at this man with rose tinted glasses. If he really was all that, and you really were right for eachother, you would not have broken up.

You dont know that he still is all the things you now want to remember about him.

If you had spent as much time on your own actual relationship as you have hankering after a dream on skype/facebook you might not be in a position where you want to break up your family, for a man you have not seen for 10 years.

Dont be such a daft and silly moo.

Do you have ANY idea how many marriages break up because people sit bored and dream of youths lost love on facebook, and hook up with people from the past, believing it is true love and hanker after each other? Sitting there together plotting and discussing how wrong their break up was, how they really actually still love eachother, etc? Spurring each other one with excitement, and revealing one exciting tit bit after another, designed to make the other blush, designed tug and heart strings and vaginas? Do you?

You wont be the first to do this, and for sure not the last...

Please make sure that you know what you are doing before you end up divorced with a 50-50 shared custody, in a small flat where your kids go every second week to their dads.

My very own bil has just broken off his engagement to come to London to meet up with HIS first love, a woman who allegedly is going through a divorce (yet funnily he cant stay at hers, as she is living with her husband, ha ha, so he will camp at ours..... Bloody fool that he is)

Chubfuddler · 07/01/2012 21:40

My Dh has brown eyes, I have green. Both our Dcs have blue. I assure you they are both his.

You are living in a dream world. You aren't a teenager anymore. Grow up. I mean that kindly.

ABatInBunkFive · 07/01/2012 21:40

Ignore the first bit brain freeze, second bit very true, i think your fl is a bit of a twat you'd be better leaving well alone. :)

Mollyfloss · 07/01/2012 21:41

Oh my bad you said he is brainy... you sure? sorry edhead only messing with you but seriously, it sounds a bit like he is telling you what you want to hear...

TheLightPassenger · 07/01/2012 21:43

Genetics is a lot more complex than eye colour! I understand even the cliche of two blue eyed parents not making a brown eyed child is a massive oversimplification and inaccurate. He sounds quite the charmer, expressing doubt about his child's paternity on a flimsy basis Hmm. And imagine you did get together, having a newborn clearly doesn't hold him back from conducting an affair Hmm

Original poster
redhead24 · 07/01/2012 21:43

Thanks punkatheart.
good advice, and no I wouldn't go there and wreck someone else's marriage.
Think I'll call it a day and ask him to get back in touch when things are different.
Thanks for the advice ladies - sometimes a blank ear is what is needed to mull over the obvious.

For the future - anyfucker when people ask for advice try to be a bit more considerate on how your whimsackle comments come across, I dont' know you and may not share your sense of humour. People are chatting on here for advice, shared experiences and usually in need of a chat as feeling a little low or fragile for whatever reason - stop and have a think how you may sound on the receiving end. What you said hurt.

OP posts:
chipmunksex · 07/01/2012 21:46

You need telling straight though red.

Probably no one would do it in real life.

But you do need telling.

Chubfuddler · 07/01/2012 21:48

Anyfucker gives fantastic advice. You may not like receiving it but she is right.

Original poster
redhead24 · 07/01/2012 21:52

for the record.... my marriage is ending due to many reasons I'd rather not go into here, very bad ones. And not because I've been daydreaming about an ex.
He is an ex because I thought we were too young, and then we lost contact.
I was informed about the eye colour thing (not by him) and believed it to be true..
And yes, after the bullying etc from my marriage I think I have very little self esteem left.... it has taken a lot to get me this far - my own place for me and the kids, self supporting and with family close by so no longer in danger.

OP posts:
TongueTwisted · 07/01/2012 21:53

I used to work with a woman who did the exact same thing as you - rekindled with an old flame over facebook. She left her husband, he left his wife.

A few months down the line he realised he had made a mistake and went back to his wife. She then went back to her husband, tail between her legs.

You need to be 100% sure what he is telling you is the truth. And if he is this person you want to be with so much, you'll have to have the patience to wait. Wait until he sorts his own home life out, wait until he makes a final decision and wait for your husband to realise there is no chance of reconciliation if that's what you want.

You can't have the 'I want it now' so when or if you do get what you want, you'll know the wait was worth it and that no-one got hurt by your actions in the process.

Original poster
redhead24 · 07/01/2012 21:53

and you've all said similar things, and I thank you all for your advice given that i asked for I just didn't expect name calling!

OP posts:
Original poster
redhead24 · 07/01/2012 21:55

....in response to chubfuddler

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 07/01/2012 21:56

What names have I called you?

Punkatheart · 07/01/2012 21:59

You have made a good choice and actually shown that you are stronger than you think. Build yourself up and you know what, there will be a good and happy life for you. Man or no man - really it should be about you now.

Original poster
redhead24 · 07/01/2012 21:59

TongueTwisted - very true, and very sensible.
right decision made.
Probably would have got here in the end, but this has helped me, did lose contact over xmas by deleting but then felt daft, that I'd been mean in some way..... but yeah, be sensible and not a dreamy romantic as that's not real life huh!
Shame but true. Tbh I've so much on my plate right now, I've more than enough to contend with, but it was a nice ego boost, and as guilty as charged - I liked it and it helped too, to make me see I'm still an amazing woman and not one that can't cope without my husband, or one that can't do anything, and needs hubby or it'll all fall apart - well it hasn't, lol ok well nearly if I'd carried on down this route. bykwim.
Cheers ladies. x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2012 22:00

My conscience is clear, redhead

can you say the same ?

I have sympathy for the breakdown of your marriage, that is clear

but you do need your ridiculous naivety pointing out to you, or I fear if not this pillock (your "first love") fucking you over, you will be vulnerable to the very next chancer