Ladies, who are fine with porn viewers....ADVICE PLEASE!

[ConfusedGirlSuze]

Boyfriend, (of a year) and I have just come out the other side of A LOT of crap in our relationship. Been together a year, we'd just moved in, I am/was suffering with depression - he has aspergers {BAD combination} - anyway after a lot of tears, shouting, sleepless nights and screaming matches - we are a lot better and happier now.

However......we have a porn problem.
He's not that it's an addiction, its not un-healthy - I just hate the sneaking around. Like - if I go to bed early - he'll be up watching 'Jenny' until the early hours. I know most men watch porn but I just want to feel ok about it. He won't stop watching it - so it's up to me to accept it. Please help me ladies. (Other than this I am so happy. He is my best friend, makes me laugh, looks after me etc etc) Just want some wise words please - thanks in advance xxx

Hmm. You say he won't stop watching it, but you're uncomfortable with it. You say it's not an addiction but that, if you go to bed early, he'll watch it into the small hours (so presumably for quite a few hours in a sitting) ... that's a lot of porn, IMHO; not just a 10- or 20-minute fix every now and then.

Whether what he's doing in isolation is right or wrong is neither here nor there: you're not comfortable with it, and he has said he won't change. So you have to decide if it's something you can continue to tolerate, or if there's a way you can enjoy porn together, because it doesn't look as though he is willing to consider compromise ... which in itself worries me.

Personally, unless we could get more or less on the same page/meet halfway with an issue like this, I wouldn't be able to continue putting up with it if I were you.

Good luck.

I just want to feel ok about it. He won't stop watching it - so it's up to me to accept it.

I'm not sure it quite works like that. If you don't feel ok about it then I don't think you suddenly just can feel ok about it.

How's your sex life, are you both happy with it? I assume you'd rather he came to bed with you than stayed up watching porn. When would you prefer him to watch it that would make you 'ok' with it?

Oh I know. You're so right. I do try and suggest maybe watching it together or letting him make videos of me - so at least I feel connected somewhat rather than being replaced. I think another major factor is - these feelings towards porn are new to me. Xboyfriends watching it has never bothered me. But lots of horrible family mess -in relation to porn has been in my life and now I feel differently. Also - don't think I made it clear in OP - it's not every night maybe a few times a week and he combines it with watching (rubbish) tv - so it won't be for hours - I'm guessing bursts of 20 mins. I just want to get over this. I don't want to break up over it xx

How does he react when you suggest watching it together?

Our sex life is good. A lot better recently. Yes - that's the main part that upsets me - why would he rather wank over some bimbo - then come to bed with me? He has said in the past he views it seperately to sex. So - I am completley different from those girls but arrr....it just cuts me up inside.

He just kinds of brushes it off - goes kind of quiet. He has said before - a lot of his ex's were not up for sex very much - a few times a month - whereas I have a very high sex drive - so maybe he sees it as 'me time'. Maybe it's a 'hobby' he not used to sharing?!

You don't sound like you are OK with it, though. Ask yourself why you feel the need to pretend you are OK with it when you are not?

To be honest (and I am no prude) it is NOT normal for him to wait for you to go to bed so he can wank all night over porn. It is quite sad.

I am happy with DP watching porn especially as he works away for 8 weeks at a time. But he hardly ever watches it when he's home and if he does we watch it together.

But I don't know if I could put up with it happening a few nights a week. Especially if it's instead of coming to bed and if he won't watch it with you.

Could you compromise to once or twice a week however much you're comfortable with?

I know I can be ok with it. Because we have sex and I know he loves me. I know the really issue here is trust - and that's because as I briefly mentioned before - I've been really hurt recently. {Found out my Dad was having a string of affairs - had to tell my Mum} - so I don't want these insecurities to ruin my relationship with my bf, who, obviously, isn't my Dad.
God does any of that make sense, haha!

But dont you think frequent, long periods of 'secret' porn watching IS an addiction? His behaviour sounds a bit...obsesive and creepy. Sorry. I dont mean to sound harsh.

Do you have kids? What will he do when they come along? Spend hours every night wanking in the living room? Its all a bit seedy.

excuse typos

how does his aspergers show itsself?i have no issues with porn watching biut like previous posters have already state to prefer that to be with you not realy cool,unless its part and parcel his "illness".i know some people with this are very good and compartmentalizing their lives and find it incomprehensable to view them any other way

Hi, I am not going to talk about porn really as I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion about it, but generally I don't agree with trying to 'be ok' about something you are clearly ok about, whether temporary or permanently. It's just not mentally healthy to ignore your feelings in that way.

If you don't want to break up over it, perhaps see a counsellor to talk about the feelings and why they've changed etc. If your new feelings about porn relate to recent upset in your family, resolving your feelings about your family might mean you revert to your old feelings about porn so you won't have an issue in your relationship anymore. If you do resolve those feelings about your family and you still feel unhappy about his porn use, then you'll may find out your new feelings about porn might actually reflect a genuine shift in you, this can happen.

"I know I can be ok with it. Because we have sex and I know he loves me".

The above actually sounds very sad; your feelings are being placed second to his like you don't matter. His AS is no excuse for how he acts now, to my mind he does not care a jot for you.

He has been really nasty to you in the past hasn't he and has said some cruel things to you to boot.

Have you ever had counselling regarding your relationship with your Dad (you discovered a lot of stuff re his relatiosnhips with other women); that would be worth considering as I think that is also colouring your views on relationships now as well.

Why are you actually together?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. I would actually start loving your own self for a change; this relationship has been and remains a highly destructive one full of dramas and intense lows. He may well be contributing to your depressed state now, he's certainly not helping is he. I therefore put this question to you - should you actually be together at all?.

I really couldn't care less if my DP watches porn when he is on his own and I would happily watch it with him if he wanted me to, but I would have a big problem with him watching it instead of coming to bed with me.
I don't think him watching the porn itself is the problem here, its the fact that he is watching it when he should be spending time with you and therefore it seems like he is putting it above your need for reassurance at the moment, considering the problems you have had with your family. Maybe that is down to his Aspergers, but it is not fair on you.
Could you ask him to watch it when you aren't around and concentrate on you and your feelings just until you feel better about everything?
Why should you have to put up with something you are uncomfortable with because he refuses to change. He does sound quite selfish.

Hi Suze, I've given this subject a fair amount of thought in the past. It always surprised me how many relationships suffered or even ended because the male partner used porn & the female disagreed with it.
I think you're right to want to come to "terms with it" in one way or another and not feel 'jealous' or 'replaced' by the women who feature in it. I might be alone here (!!) but when i watch porn, I'm turned on by 'the act' or action rather than thinking I want to sleep with that particularly sexy looking guy & I'm sure that it's pretty much the same for blokes. And i'm aware it's fantasy, not reality.
Ultimately, isn't it simply a question of visual stimulation? Our brains (more men's than women's for sure) are tuned-in to respond, it can be 'educational' & fire the imagination, it can be a turn-on or off, it can be habitual, boring or shocking etc.... but one thing for sure is it there and is not going away....

Personally, I would initiate some mutual porn viewing, be honest about what turns you both on and try to find content that you both enjoy. This way you can partially share and maybe enjoy his "hobby" and not feel alienated or removed from it. Otherwise, leave him to his spare late night moments, I certainly don't think masturbation should be banned just because you're in a relationship!! Just a final note on the fact that the porn industry is incredibly male-orientated, because they are the primary market and until more women start watching it (and producing it) that will stay the same.
Of course, I do not agree with anything that does not involve over 18's and mutual consent!!!

Thank you everyone for your posts.
A lot to think about.
I'm confused. So much of what you say is right (all of you).
I think I need to re-read all your thoughts.
Really appreciate your thoughts and thanks for letting me 'talk' xx

..............disagreeing with Atillathemeerkat, unless of course she knows more about your situation than is on here. I can see why you are in this relationship (You say "Other than this I am so happy. He is my best friend, makes me laugh, looks after me etc etc").
Btw, my parents split up after 37yrs cos my dad was having a very long affair and it's devastating and it does directly effect your personal relationships and trust issues (no amount of counselling will remove that, particularly after witnessing your own mother going through it, and I believe this is a normal reaction) BUT you are right to be aware of this, and to keep a check on it in relation to your own relationship with your partner as you will be over sensitive & wary. In my experience it does pass, with time, & you learn to put it in a bit more perspective.

Thanks Alsteff. I know that's where it stems from - my Dad. It still hurts now. So much. He was the main man in our lives and he completley just fucked on everything I thought we were. And now I'm crying...
I'm so scared I'll have to feel that pain again. I don't want to lose my bf over this. I don't want to be lied to - I don't even know if the porn is the issue. I just don't want to be fucked over. I've already lost my Dad. I can't lose my boyfriend too xx

How recently did this happen with your parents? For me it was about 7yrs ago and it did have repercussions believe me! In a desperate search for security I rushed into a marriage with the wrong person the same year my parents divorce went through and ended up getting divorced myself 2 years ago (after discovering husband was having an affair & flirting with homosexuality!). Yet I do have my DD to be thankful for. However, the divorce of your parents effects you at any age, especially if like us, you thought you had a very strong family unit & your parents seemed very much in love. In my particular situation, i have managed to keep my relationship with my father, though on different terms, and with a lot of hard work & tears! My mom is still in a low place I guess, even though she has a new partner (to a degree) & that's something I've just had to come to accept and not, as was the temptation, try to take responsibility to 'fix'.

Er it'll be 3 years this year. yeah. We were very close. And I really was a Daddy's girl. I miss him and I'm mad at him. But I have to keep it all to myself as he doesn't know I know. They're both with new partners, although I don't truly know how happy they are.

I was single for 2 years before meeting bf. I only started getting depressed/feeling insecure this year. So there is a direct correlation between dad/bf.

Believe it or not - I do feel better fot this :) x

It's interesting you question how truly happy they are cos I feel the same, neither of my parents are happy, no one really gained, or "won" (except perhaps the Other Woman?). Dad actually said he doesn't experience "joy" any more which is terribly sad. I've never really thought about it like this before, but perhaps it's like being on the rebound, perhaps you have to go through what you are going through with your new bf, and if it wasn't him perhaps it would just be the next man, even if you'd been single for 5yrs??? I guess there are no certain answers. I'm in a new relationship (18mths) and I don't have any grinding trust issues. I would say though, that I'm not sure I believe in 'forever after' any more - people are inconsistent, they change, life changes and with such a high divorce rate perhaps I'm just a realist not a cynic, but there are exceptions & guess that's why I haven't got to the stage of banning Disney Princess movies!

Well, I wouldn't mind if DH watched porn occasionally and discreetly. To be honest I have no idea whether he does or not, I consider it his business.

HOWEVER. Watching it till the early hours? I would find that very odd.

suze,

You yourself write you and he are a bad combination.

Your partner said some awful things re your good self not all that long ago (I remember your last thread re him), things I will not repeat but they were and remain pretty much unforgiveable actually. Who died and made him king?. His AS does not excuse him, those words were deliberately designed to sting you.

I would again ask you what you are getting out of this relationship now. Your man is doing you no favours is he re your overall mental state and wellbeing. Love should not be such hard work honestly.

Why can't you tell your Dad you know what happened re him; it is not a burden you should carry alone or should actually be made to carry for presumably the rest of your days as that will colour your whole outlook on life and existance. Can you not at least talk this through with a counsellor if you really cannot bring yourself to tell him.

Small wonder you're depressed; all the male figures in your life have and continue to let you down abjectly.

Attila - you are right (and have a good memory). The thing is, although I do accept his behaviour was awful - we have moved on since then. I think a forgive him a lot because of his AS. He is selfish - but mainly because he does not have the capacity to 'put himself in other peoples' shoes' - I genuinely think he can't even begin to imagine how I feel. He isn't close to his family and in general just doesn't feel. He doesn't mean to be nasty. I can't tell my dad because, I know it would just ruin our relationship plus - I have younger brothers and sisters - it'd just be too complicated.

Yes Alsteff - I agree! I feel like they're both plodding on - but neither seem like they did when they were together. Forgive the cheesey phrase but there's no sparkle anymore! Also yes - if it wasn't this bf it'd be ANY man. They're my issues. They're just difficult to conquer!

Thanks again for your posts :) xx