Ladies, who are fine with porn viewers....ADVICE PLEASE!

[ConfusedGirlSuze]

Boyfriend, (of a year) and I have just come out the other side of A LOT of crap in our relationship. Been together a year, we'd just moved in, I am/was suffering with depression - he has aspergers {BAD combination} - anyway after a lot of tears, shouting, sleepless nights and screaming matches - we are a lot better and happier now.

However......we have a porn problem.
He's not that it's an addiction, its not un-healthy - I just hate the sneaking around. Like - if I go to bed early - he'll be up watching 'Jenny' until the early hours. I know most men watch porn but I just want to feel ok about it. He won't stop watching it - so it's up to me to accept it. Please help me ladies. (Other than this I am so happy. He is my best friend, makes me laugh, looks after me etc etc) Just want some wise words please - thanks in advance xxx

"Relationships are hard. Isn?t that just life?"

I disagree with this. For years, I thought it was true and put up with oh-so-much shit because of it.

Then I realised that relationships can be easy. And happy. It was a fucking revelation.

X-post.

Damn you again, AF

Dead right, teth

I don't mean I should be damned, x-post

Oh god, this is going to sound sooooooooooooooo patronising. But you are doing a classic thing, op. You described your boy friend's behaviour. People told you that it wasn't OK. You then say "Oh, it's not as bad as that, honestly, i was exaggerating. I'm fine- let's go and have a drink. Lovely weather today!"

I know you don't want to hear- but try to take on board what people have said.

Hm I think I?m having information over load.

I?m going to digest all this.

I do see all your points of view. I know I?m young and so much ?emotionally? has happened to me. I?m digesting all of this, learning who I am - while still trying to figure out how to apply that to a relationship. I?m not just going to give up - I?d rather know I put everything in to it and did my best :) Have a lovely Saturday evening ladies x

that's not patronising, seeker

it is very frustrating to see the same pattern over and over...with some threads you just know it will happen

Op;my bf makes me feel bad
MN; what he is doing is bad
Op; it's not bad really, he is my soulmate/great dad/treats me well most of the time etc
MN; eh ?
Op;you are all wrong
MN; gah

6 weeks/months later, Op comes back with same problem/problem escalated < shrug >

Hm ok. Fair enough.
I just need to go away and have a think about what you have all said.
I?m not disagreeing but - it?s not a decision I?m going to take lightly and just decided on a MN. I don?t mean to be flippant but there?s one of me and more of you - you all have similar thoughts - You know? It?s all quite close to home for me. I don?t mean to disrespect what you are saying - I think you will see throughout I have been very respectful of everything you have said.

I do not think that what you wrote was in any way patronising either Seeker.

yes, you have

and nobody expects you to make any decisions on the say-so of people you have never met, that would be ridiculous (negating the "some of you are in the leave-him brigade")

people post on MN to make you think, and make you question

to try and prevent you from seeing issues from purely the POV of someone who has only has their own interests at heart (like your bf)

and my little dialogue above ? I think you don't fit into it, actually

Thanks AnyFucker - I promise I will go away and really think about all you have said. It?s really good to have a range of opinions. When you go to the same person with advice - mum, best friend, sister - you become very used to the advice they give. This has forced me to think about all sides - even the grizzly sides and it?s also made me realised I?m young and this man doesn?t have to be it. Conscious not to sign off in a ?well, there we go, lets have a glass of vino? way, ha!
Suze

Ok, Suze.

But if you only take 2 things away from this thread, please let them be 1. most men don't watch porn. And 2. If your boyfriend does and you don't like it, it's NOT up to you to change your core to enable you accept it.

yes, there are lots of good men out there if this one doesn't work out

don't try and make this one "fit" or change your own shape to accomodate his

a square peg will not go into a round hole, no matter how much you want it to

Yeh seeker. I see now. He shouldn?t expect me to do that and that isn?t normal. I?ve always been told that I?m too nice - and you have all made me see - I am doing exactly that now. Thank you for everything x

Op some great advice on here as always i hope you can sort things out,

god how i wish i'd had MN advice 18 years ago!

me too susie

Thanks SusieD - You?re right some really great advice. So glad I posted x

I'm not going to say leave him but I do want to say this: spending a couple of years not in a relationship when I was in my 20's is one of the best things I ever did. It was scary as hell to start with - I was pg and had a 2yo and no money - but after a few months I started to feel strong and capable and when I did begin being open to another relationship it was because I was ready, not because I was frightened of being on my own. Because I wasn't coming from a position of need, I was able to be a lot more discerning. It's only since doing this I've been able to have a successful relationship (13 years this NYE just gone ).

What I'm trying to say is that if you are weighing up your options and the thought of being on your own scares you, don't let it put you off - it's one of those scary things that's really worth doing.

good luck, whatever you decide to do. [beer]

Back to the porn issue. Perhaps I should start a new thread!!! Pornography doesn't simply equal abused women. That is too simple and far too easy to hide behind as a reason to disagree with it. Therefore - as I watch porn I agree with women being abused, coerced & exploited? I don't think so! There are many women who choose pornography as a career path, either starring in it, or producing/directing it. There is also a more seedy side to some porn, but like most things the more it is 'outed', accepted and legalized the higher the standards will be. (Think back-street abortions)? Isn't it better we acknowledge pornography, and our own feelings towards it, rather than simply condemn it as a wrong thing, that men should not use, and leave it in the underground? I am shocked how narrow-minded some women are.

Hi Alsteff - no, no don't start a new thread {unless you want to} - it's fine with me. I'm not really sure what I think, to be totally honest. I have watched it in the past. I agree in that it is a very sweeping statement to say all porn=abused women. Maybe we could find a MN pornstar to comment haa!

And how do you know that the porn you watch doesn't feature abused women? Does it have a kite mark then? I'm shocked at how in denial some people are, but there you go

I wold bs amazed if there is porn which does not somewhere along the line exploit vulnerable women.

And even if somehow there is kite marked porn, porn by it's very nature objectifies women, and gives men a very skewed and inaccurate view of women's bodies, psychology and needs.