Ladies, who are fine with porn viewers....ADVICE PLEASE!

[ConfusedGirlSuze]

Boyfriend, (of a year) and I have just come out the other side of A LOT of crap in our relationship. Been together a year, we'd just moved in, I am/was suffering with depression - he has aspergers {BAD combination} - anyway after a lot of tears, shouting, sleepless nights and screaming matches - we are a lot better and happier now.

However......we have a porn problem.
He's not that it's an addiction, its not un-healthy - I just hate the sneaking around. Like - if I go to bed early - he'll be up watching 'Jenny' until the early hours. I know most men watch porn but I just want to feel ok about it. He won't stop watching it - so it's up to me to accept it. Please help me ladies. (Other than this I am so happy. He is my best friend, makes me laugh, looks after me etc etc) Just want some wise words please - thanks in advance xxx

I tend to read posts about this on here because I also have a problem with it and wish I didn't.

I'm not a jealous person and I don't have a dh who regularly looks at porn but I find it hard if he looks at any sexy images of women on the internet. He knows I don't like it and I really think he doesn't do it that much.

Logically I know I shouldn't mind but inside I can't help feeling that it means I'm "not enough" or not attractive enough and it hurts.

Had a chat with BF about this last night, and we talked about the fact that even if porn didn't exist, the imagination / thought does. A man could be fantasizing about a girl on the bus, or the MILF next door but you can't edit someone's thought's or imagination. Porn is just an extension or visualization of this.

So, I guess the upshot of this, is that we as women need to sort it out for ourselves and find confidence in another way. Perhaps through thinking about the difference between reality and fantasy. I loved the scene in Pride & Prejudice when colin Firth comes out of the water in a white shirt, & fantasized about it, but I know it's a film/novel but it fired my imagination and surely that's a good thing.

I don't know much about aspergers but is there somewhere you can get some support to try and understand how it fits into this behaviour? I'm not saying it excuses it but it might make you feel better about it if you could understand it and that may lead you both to be able to work on it. I'm tempted to say couples counselling but not sure if thats the best place as it would be ideal if you could get someone who understands your depression and his aspergers and help you both work together on these.

A man could be fantasizing about a girl on the bus, or the MILF next door but you can't edit someone's thought's or imagination. Porn is just an extension or visualization of this.

No, it's not.

Unlike our imagination, porn is made with real women often being co-erced and abused. If you're happy with that, it's your look-out, but don't pretend it's comparable because it's not.

Yes Alsteff I agree. I?m feeling clearer about it all today - Next thing it happens I think I?ll say something about - its fine, but just not when I?m in the house. And if he can?t compromise - then, we?ll he?ll have to ;)

Santie - I do think his AS has a lot to answer for. I think - has someone previously said it?s all compartmentalised in his head. He seems sometimes outraged that I even compare our sex life to his porn watching. I think, to him it?s like comparing stamp collecting to bird watching. Completely different and incomparable.

I do feel clearer about my feelings today. I don?t want him to do it when I?m in the house - but if it happens, then heyho.

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend xxx

ok

porn aside for a moment

you have been living together for only a year and already you have "come out the other side of a massive load of shit" in your relationship ?

he has been horrible to you, and you are finding excuses for it

you are desperately trying to alter your own thought processes about something that hitherto made you feel uncomfortable...all to please him

in what other ways have you modified your behaviour or overlooked issues that go against your better judgment to stay with this man ?

I think your relationship is toxic, with or without the porn which in my view is just one more way in which he is a poor bet as a partner

I don't understand what is so brilliant about any man that you would be willing to change your very nature for

" I know most men watch porn but I just want to feel ok about it. He won't stop watching it - so it's up to me to accept it."

Ok. I am old enough to be your mother. Possibly your grandmother. And I am going to be tough.

Most men don't watch porn. And decent thoughtful men who love their partners don't do things that make them feel unhappy and uncomfortable and refuse to stop. And it is not up to you to accept it. Why should you? He is doing something unacceptable- don't change your behaviour to accommodate him. Don't be videoed unless you want to be for you, not for him. Be strong.

I'm fine with porn, but I don't know how to make someone else be fine with porn. If you're not fine with it you're not fine with it. It's making you feel rejected and lonely and that's not really ok. You shouldn't have to just get over this, you need to talk to your partner and try to work this out.

I agree that you're making far too many adjustments to your core self.

Is there anything going on here about modifying your behaviour so that you don't end up in your mother's position? That if you try to meld yourself to be all things to one man, he won't leave you for someone else?

"you have been living together for only a year and already you have "come out the other side of a massive load of shit" in your relationship ?"

I was just about to post exactly this (damn you AF )

The porn is in some ways irrelevant; I find this more alarming. After a year, things should be good- or at least, they should have been good!

The loss you fear by splitting with him is loss you have already felt with your dad IYSWIM. In other words, it's already happened.

I'm probably not making much sense, but my point is that, for whatever reason, this relationship doesn't sound healthy and I think you will be much happier without it. The relationship is not saving you from depression; it is causing it.

In my opinion it is not unusual to have a tough patch when you move in. You getting settled - getting used to each other?s habits and preferences - when you put on top of that depression and his AS - surely its just natural we had a few teething problems? Also I am open, honest and wear my heart on my sleeve - whereas he is not very emotional and his AS means he finds it hard/impossible to express how he ?feels?. It?s not that I am changing who I am to be with him - if anything I have never been ?my true self? with any other man - apart from my family. My main this is my dad and my trusts issues. I don?t mind the porn - I mind the sneaking around which is obviously a direct response to the horrors I learnt before. I have been in relationships before and I believe there are parts that you have to compromise on. I do appreciate all your advice and opinions - although some of it is a bitter pill to swallow xx

I don't think it's that weird to have a tough patch when you first move in. first year of living together with my partner was awful, almost split up about 100000 million times. Now we're into our second year and it's much better.

if my first year of living with somebody was "awful" I would have no optimism that it was going to work out long-term and knock it on the head, tbh

perhaps I would miss out on some fantastic men then ?

< doubts it >

Fair enough, AF. I have mental health problems, it took us a while to work through them together and figure out how he could support me but have his own life at the same time. I've known my partner a long time, so I knew that it would work out.

Shrugs. I know not everyone would have done the same as me, but we're mostly really happy now so I'm glad I stuck with it.

I am glad it worked out for you, YR, don't get me wrong

and I don't think you are using your example as a reason to recommend staying with someone who sounds like seven shades of a shit, but there is a danger of that I think when someone just wants to hear "it will be ok if you just carry on trying"

because it more than likely won't, given everything this lady has said on this thread, and others

and that it appears she is the one doing all the compromising, much of it against her human instincts

I said upthread she shouldn't put up with the porn if she doesn't like it.

Sorry that I'm not joining the "leave him" brigade. I don't think that really helps either. 9 times out of 10 it just seems to cause the OP to leave the thread.

Hi Suze,

re your comment:-
"In my opinion it is not unusual to have a tough patch when you move in. You getting settled - getting used to each other?s habits and preferences - when you put on top of that depression and his AS - surely its just natural we had a few teething problems"

I would hazard a guess that all your past relationships with men have been very dysfunctional and certainly not emotionally healthy. That all stems back to the dysfunctional relationship between your Dad and you.

You've only been together a year and what you;'ve both gone through in that time is far, far more than a "few teething problems". Now you have his porn watching to contend with. What will be next because there will be yet more issues. Can you imagine what this will be like in say 3-5 years time?. It won't get any better for you.

How long ago was your man properly diagnosed with Aspergers?. You certainly seem to cling to AS partly as a reason for his behaviours or perhaps you want to think that the AS is the root cause of his behaviours towards you.

AS can be very debilitating in its own right and this is a lifelong disability. How much of his behaviours though is due to AS and how much of this is due to him having an abusive nature?. That is a thorny question you also need to answer to yoursef.

I still wonder why you are actually together at all, what do you get out of this relationship now?. His past treatment of you was and remains unforgiveable. This relationship is to my mind not healthy but I can see what he gets out of it because he now has a woman who is prepared to sacrifice her own needs and wants to his greater good. That suits him down to the ground. There is no incentive or need for him furthermore to change.

If you have underlying trust issues anyway then you need to address these without being in a relationship in the first instance. You write you cannot tell your Dad of your knowledge; I argue that you don't want to out of fear of his dispproval and misplaced shame on your part. You unfairly burden yourself with your Dad's past behaviours. It is NOT your fault that he did those things; he made a conscious choice to do so.

I would suggest you also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

If nothing else Suze I hope that you give all these replies far more thought. I think you are a nice person who is at real risk of being further emotionally harmed and such harm can take years to undo.

Haa! I?m not going to leave the thread. If you ask for advice you have to take all types! Even the types you don?t necessarily agree with.
I?m only 24 - we live together and no kids. I understand all your points - and points I?d probably make if I was reading this tread. It?s not that I am hanging on to AS - it?s just that I understand the condition. I know how in some reasons it debilitates some of his emotional functions re: me and depression. I?m not going to throw the towel in because it?s gets difficult - he is worth the fight. Relationships are hard. Isn?t that just life? Don?t you weigh it up? As in;
?Rr the porn annoys me - but he makes me laugh and makes me feel safe.? Thanks again ladies xx

You're only 24 - you can find somewhere who makes you laugh and keeps you safe without being a porn addict who expects you to change yourself so that you accept something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

And please believe me- most men do not watch porn. And decent, good men don't say they won't stop doing something that makes the woman they love unhappy, and themm them they have to accept it.

Yeah that?s fair. Obviously on MN can you only get a ?feel? for the relationship. With small snap shots on feelings and rants. I?m not saying don?t give me your opinions - because that?s fine and dandy. But - I feel like I?ve over-egged the pudding and made him into a monster - which he truly isn?t. Off to have a large glass of pino - I suggest you all join me - I?m exhausted :) xx

where did I say she should leave him ?

I am saying she shouldn't tolerate the relationship as it is

which I guess, OP, since you posted, you would like things to change too ?

It is not his job to make you feel "safe" or even better, that is your responsibility alone. He is also not your project to rescue and or save. I can see why after the experiences you have had this may feel like this relationship is the best you've ever had but is it really?. Why are you settling for this?. Do you not feel that you deserve better now you're trying to suppress your own feelings on his porn usage?. He has not seemingly apologised or taken any real responsibility here for the porn has he?.

Thought you were in your early 20s actually.

Who diagnosed him with AS originally, hopefully not your good self!!.

Relationships ebb and flow more often than not and there is an underlying respect for the other. I cannot see that in your relationship; it seems to be intense highs and deep lows; thats not how relationships should ve conducted. He has likely contributed to your depressive state. Your relationship is far harder than many and is not emotionally healthy as a result. No trust - no relationship to my mind. Love should not be such hard work honestly. You cling to each other and the power/control imbalance in this is firmly tipped in his favour. I still argue that you are both no good for each other and he is now dragging you down with him. You could become in the end a shadow of your own self if you are not part way there already:(.

relationships should not be "hard"

they should enhance your life, not make you feel insecure and off-balance, not just in the first year but ever

you are a very young woman, OP

compromising now may very well saddle you with a life of oming second best to his wants and needs

would you be happy to do that, as things are now ?

do you see things getting better from your POV, if you accept his behaviour ?

coming