Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, following on from my shocking computer discovery, things are no better

58 replies

MrsJangleBalls · 05/01/2012 13:24

In case anyone missed my previous thread in AIBU, I found an enormous amount of porn on our computer. My dh refused to discuss it with me, despite me explaining that I was shocked and a bit upset that he found the need to look at quite so many other women, and promptly hid the files on our portable hard drive. Which he then hid. I went looking for it and found all the files there just as I thought I would. I've put the hard drive back where he'd hidden it.

Made another discovery today. Long story but bear with me. Years ago when we first met he gave me a gold friendship ring with my birthstone on it. It broke this year so I said I'd quite like a new one for Christmas to replace it. Lo and behold was presented with a new ring which he said was white gold. I wasn't so sure so I checked it out on the website where he ordered it from. It's definitely silver. To confirm this I cheekily asked the jeweller in town to check the hallmark. He said its silver.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but he lied to me about a gift that he knew had great sentimental value to me. He lied about the porn on the computer and was more interested in keeping it than what I thought or felt. I thought we were so close but obviously I'm nothing more than housekeeper and childminder. Don't understand why he keeps lying to me. If he doesn't love me anymore why doesn't he just say so?

Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I'm a bit upset about it all.

OP posts:
TheresASpareChairOverThere · 05/01/2012 13:28

Hi, sorry to read this thread, I read your other one the other day.

I don't know what to say really, but I would have been very upset at the pictures, partly because he won't talk about it I suppose which is a bit unfair I think

BecauseImperfect · 05/01/2012 13:33

I'm glad I posted on the other thread telling you to come here. It was clear all was not well, sorry op.

Hopefully you'll dodge the too cool for school brigade who couldn't read past the word porn.

pollyblue · 05/01/2012 13:39

If there's something going on in your relationship that's upsetting you, I think you have the right to expect him to talk to you about it.You're 50% of the partnership after all. It's bound to be a difficult conversation, but I think it's one he needs to be prepared to have, out of respect for you if nothing else.

worldgonecrazy · 05/01/2012 13:43

You have said it yourself. You are his 'housekeeper and childminder', and I'm guessing you also provide fairly regular sex too? Why should he bother to go through the hassle of a break up and finding somewhere new to live, etc. if you are providing him everything he needs on a plate?

Sorry, that is quite blunt. His porn use sounds very excessive and the fact that he feels he needs to lie to you speaks volumes about his guilt and self-knowledge.

fuzzynavel · 05/01/2012 13:44

Not sure I understand his lying about the ring bit apart from him maybe not being able to afford the real deal for some reason? Do you have joint finances. Could he be keeping any debt from you?

PostBellumBugsy · 05/01/2012 13:53

MrsJangleBalls, what does he contribute? Is he a good Dad? It is a shame about the porn, but it shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Alot of men use it and as long as it is not a substitute for a good physical relationship with you, he is not using in front of your DCs or looking at really, awful stuff, then whilst it may not appeal to you and may even not sit well with you, it is something he could do privately.
Do you think he knows that the ring is made of silver? Is it possible he could have been ripped off by a jeweller?
Reading between the lines, it sounds as though you are simmering with resentment over more than just the porn & the ring.

BecauseImperfect · 05/01/2012 14:13

The porn although shocking is a side issue here. She dosent seen to be having a great time of it elsewhere

He dosent sound like a great dad or husband to me.

Schnullerbacke · 05/01/2012 14:18

I just found a plastic vagina in our shed - great day for discoveries it seems!

empirestateofmind · 05/01/2012 14:23

It certainly does sound very disappointing. Especially after the photos.

However I can imagine whether a ring is silver or white gold not necessarily making an impact on a DH. I know mine would be clueless.

There are obviously major issues at the back of all this which need serious thought and not a knee jerk reaction. What does DH bring to the marriage? What is life generally like for both of you? Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Can you discuss this with DH or do you think a counsellor or Relate might be helpful?

BecauseImperfect · 05/01/2012 14:29

Backe that sounds like a flesh light. They are quite common now. The male equivalent of a vibrator.

PeppermintPasty · 05/01/2012 14:40

Have you had the chance to have it out with him? It's the lying and the general deceit that would be the thing for me, but if you feel strongly about porn, and I get where you are coming from, then he needs to know that he has totally disrespected you. I didn't read your other thread. What do you think has brought about this deceit? Is it as if from nowhere?

Original poster
MrsJangleBalls · 05/01/2012 14:42

Well I can't top a plastic vagina that's for sure, sorry Schnuller.

He is usually a very good husband and dad. He's got a good job where he's well respected, he provides for us amply, his parents have always thought him the golden boy and he is generally well thought of as a decent bloke. He likes fishing and shooting, he does a lot of DIY and pulls his weight round the house and with the kids. He's just a normal guy really. Oh, except for the 13,000 pictures and videos of porn. It's mainly women, in next to nothing, or doing horrible things to one another, mainly involving their arse holes from what I can see. Sorry if that's TMI. Oh and there's lots and lots of bondage.

Now none of this interests me whatsoever. Just about the most innocent thing that he likes is body stockings. Now I have worn them for him in the past but I'm not overly keen, but it did spice things up a bit. Our sex life wasn't brilliant but it did exist! On his terms though. Just as well he's not into anything more sinister.

Our whole life is on his terms. I have no income or financial independence. I am completely reliant on him for everything. He has lots of money, good investments, savings, etc. He's always been careful with his finances. He's not mean but he is sensible. I thought he'd look after us forever. I could go back to work if I wanted but I like being at home while the littlies are still here.

We did have a row where I said if anything happened he could leave because I wouldn't want to disrupt the children. He said no way could he afford that and we'd have to sell the house. He would too, there's no way he'd say it and not mean it.

I'm not giving up on my marriage without a fight but I'm scared that if I ask him if he still loves me, he'll say no and then what do I do? Break the family up? I don't think it would really come to that, but I'm scared to find out.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 05/01/2012 14:53

Our whole life is on his terms. I have no income or financial independence

OP it does seem like its time for you to put a few thing in order for yourself here.

MrsHankey · 05/01/2012 14:55

I remember your thread, didn't post (too busy RL) but if it was me I'd have deleted them, then explained that I wasn't happy.

Asked DP about it, he uses porn, and his comment was "why has he downloaded the pics, you can look on net anytime" so it did seem OTT for him.

Glad you've decided to post in relationships instead, am sure others will have better advice.

worldgonecrazy · 05/01/2012 15:11

What exactly are you scared of? Often facing our fears is the best way of finding solutions.

windsorTides · 05/01/2012 15:27

So he's a porn addict, a liar, someone you think might shaft you if you broke up and your life together has to be on his terms, including even your sex life. And you're scared to ask him whether he loves you because if he tells you what you suspect might be the truth, you'll have to do something about it?

Doesn't sound like a 'good husband' to me and it sounds like a horribly lonely life to lead.

It depends on what you want out of life. If it's independence and freedom from a gilded cage, then get some legal advice as soon as possible, so that you can get out. If it's staying in this life, then I'd advise you not to look too closely because worse is yet to come, if it hasn't already happened with other women.

PeppermintPasty · 05/01/2012 15:32

Yes windsor, it's sounding grimmer by the minute Sad

PeppermintPasty · 05/01/2012 15:33

I think I made up "grimmer"

Schnullerbacke · 05/01/2012 15:41

I have sent you a message Jangle.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/01/2012 15:44

I too remember the other thread where you seemed initially quite amused by the scantily clad women - really sorry to hear it's not like that and it's actually a lot of hard core anal pornography Sad

Your situation sounds worse by the minute, particularly the part about everything on his terms - If I were you I'd be securing my future by photocopying statements and investments as if you do split it sounds like he will still want to try to retain financial control over you.

What is there to save in this? With respect it doesn't sound like you're valued properly with the lies and lack of independance.

rockape · 05/01/2012 15:46

You aren't living on his terms, you are living on the terms you agreed. You have already said you don't want to go to work. If you go to work you can then live on your terms.

"He is usually a very good husband and dad. He's got a good job where he's well respected, he provides for us amply, his parents have always thought him the golden boy and he is generally well thought of as a decent bloke. He likes fishing and shooting, he does a lot of DIY and pulls his weight round the house and with the kids"

So apart from some porn (which is private and he doesn't bother you with) he sounds like a decent sort of bloke. I did like your comment about your sex life being on his terms though, that's always guaranteed to get you extra support on these forums.

As for the ring, what a sneaky person you are. Would love to hear his side of the "story"

Regards

BalloonSlayer · 05/01/2012 15:48

Don't know what to say about the rest of it, but surely there's a chance that he looked for a ring with your birthstone in it, and they only had a silver one with that particular stone and he assumed it was white gold rather than silver. Even though it probably said "silver" on the description.

yummyoldbag · 05/01/2012 15:52

Just to point out, you are married. It is not his finances that are in good order, it is your joint finances that are in good order.

I have a feeling that while you are unhappy about aspects of your relationship that you are not thinking divorce right here right now! But, I think it is time to investigate how you would stand. What your rights are re the house and joint money. I suspect that knowing how things would be if you were to separate will make you feel more prepared and stronger to examine your marriage. You might then find that you can initiate discussions regarding the excessive amount of porn etc without feeling quite so weak and vulnerable.

I would add though, my husband would not even consider the difference between white gold and silver so I am not sure this is a deliberate slight!

yummyoldbag · 05/01/2012 15:54

Btw Rock - a joint decision for one parent to care for the children in the home does not mean that you have to live on the working parent's terms Shock

That is an absolutely ridiculous assertion!

LaurieFairyCake · 05/01/2012 15:58

rockape - what the actual fuck does this mean "I did like your comment about your sex life being on his terms though, that's always guaranteed to get you extra support on these forums".

Why doubt the OP? Hmm Also interested to see that you think he sounds like a 'good bloke' - really?!? That says more about you than him.