So, following on from my shocking computer discovery, things are no better

[MrsJangleBalls]

In case anyone missed my previous thread in AIBU, I found an enormous amount of porn on our computer. My dh refused to discuss it with me, despite me explaining that I was shocked and a bit upset that he found the need to look at quite so many other women, and promptly hid the files on our portable hard drive. Which he then hid. I went looking for it and found all the files there just as I thought I would. I've put the hard drive back where he'd hidden it.

Made another discovery today. Long story but bear with me. Years ago when we first met he gave me a gold friendship ring with my birthstone on it. It broke this year so I said I'd quite like a new one for Christmas to replace it. Lo and behold was presented with a new ring which he said was white gold. I wasn't so sure so I checked it out on the website where he ordered it from. It's definitely silver. To confirm this I cheekily asked the jeweller in town to check the hallmark. He said its silver.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but he lied to me about a gift that he knew had great sentimental value to me. He lied about the porn on the computer and was more interested in keeping it than what I thought or felt. I thought we were so close but obviously I'm nothing more than housekeeper and childminder. Don't understand why he keeps lying to me. If he doesn't love me anymore why doesn't he just say so?

Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I'm a bit upset about it all.

Well actually, that's what the OP said, that he was a good father/husband.

Have you ever had the sit down conversation about porn to know where both of you are coming from? He can't know that you feel slighted if you've never spoken about it before.

And I must admit, the ring thing does make you seem a tad grasping to be honest, and that nothing is really good enough for you, especially to go snooping around for it.

I think the first thing I'd do is to make sure that I had full details of all financial stuff copied and somewhere safe, seeing as there are investments etc. involved.

Do you have access to all finances? They are yours too - it's joint.

Just as the children you care for at the expense of having your own career are also joint, his too, not just yours because you have put in all the effort (i.e. having them and raising them).

He couldn't have earned any of his money AND had a family without you there.

Roc Kape, you sound ANGRY.

I hope you have someone CLOSE that you can TALK to.

@yummy

The OP did say that she didn't want to work. She isn't living on his terms, she is living on their terms, and it would appear living a very good life too.

Regards

@thecrunch

Thanks for your sweet comment and concern:) I do indeed have someone close to talk to if need be, once again thanks :)

Regards

Don't let the deliberate attempts to derail a support thread succeed.

Goody.

Regards.

The @s make you seem young.

Good point Puffin, sorry.

OP - I saw your first thread. There was an odd 'air' to it, I thought.

I remember that you moved the file etc. - you seemed very 'in control' of the whole situation, in a sense. There was a general air of expecting him to panic when he saw it was gone, etc. - that a confrontation would ensure.

It didn't though. He simply moved it back, didn't he, and took the hard drive etc. - it was quite shocking, really - he truly seemed quite ruthless and utterly uncaring about the whole thing - that it just didn't matter.

It really underlined that in fact HE saw himself as in control of everything, all on his terms. BUT - you're also clearly no cringing pushover. So it all felt quite odd.

What you've said about the finances - I don't know whether I'm on the right track, but is that at the heart of it? That you're a strong decisive person, but that you feel he has you by the balls, so to speak? If so, maybe that's the point to start at. Because that's not the case, legally.

The ring thing would annoy me actually. I think most men do know the difference between white gold and silver. You don't sound grabby to me, silver is much cheaper and I can see how you would find this significant in terms of not being valued.

The porn thing would really bother me- it's like a sexual hobby that excludes you. I'd have far less of an issue if you were involved. His reaction to your discovery also seems to take no heed of your feelings.
To be honest I'd encourage you to snoop a bit more over the next while. I wouldn't rush anything. BUT I would also keep my cards close to my chest.

It seems like you re in the early stages of re evaluating your relationship. Keep posting.

'It seems like you re in the early stages of re evaluating your relationship. Keep posting.'

This exactly.

Just to clarify one point - when I opened the ring box, on christmas morning, I said 'oh it's silver' just because the previous ring was gold. He said, and I actually do quote, 'no it's white gold'.

Sneaky I may be but I know what he's like and he can be a bit of a miser sometimes. The web address of the jewellery company was on the box so I looked it up. Now there are two identical rings, one white gold, one silver. It could be that he has been had, but then again he might have just bought the cheaper ring. I know it is silver because I have had it checked. So do I confront him with it? Do I say 'ooh, you've been ripped off but never mind, I still like the ring' (which I do) or do I accuse him of lying about it?

And by the way, the ring that broke, the original ring, was not an expensive ring, but it was his first present to me and I loved it.

I wouldn't say anything- it's not necessary for him to know you know. I would just keep a mental note of it yourself.
I think it's unlikely that he's been had and much more likely that he's picked the cheaper option.

The thing is he hasn't acted kindly when she found out. His priority was to back up his stash.
The problem is most people look for rational explanations, most people are trusting, most people are forgiving, most people look for 'the good' in others.
BUT all these qualities can be your downfall when in a relationship with 'less nice' individuals and lead you to
Rationalise behaviour
Trust
Forgive
See the good

When actually you need to do the opposite.
Admittedly I'm saying this after my own experiences where my nice nature and want of a fairytale ending prevented me from viewing things objectively.

That's why I wouldn't assume he feels ashamed or has a porn addiction- he may do- he may also just be self centred and unkind.
I think you need to observe your relationship as an outsider may and if your natural inclination is to make excuses for things to look again.

I wouldn't rush to counselling yet- work out your own feelings first
Even if it is to spare you/ due to embarrassment you shouldn't be shut out of your husbands 'hobby'

The money thing is what would worry me the most tbh.

How are things arranged - do you have direct access to your joint savings and investments?

The price difference between white gold and silver would have alerted him to what he was buying, even if he claimed he didn't realise (which I don't buy for a moment).

I have to say, I've just asked him if he realised the ring was silver after he told me it was gold. He got a bit annoyed and said he had genuinely thought he'd bought the white gold one. I think I believe him but then who knows?

He did say that actually he didn't like one of the presents I'd given him and could I exchange it? Only he wasn't quite that polite. I said 'would you talk to your parents like that?' We had a bit of a row and I said 'the trouble is you've got no respect for me, my feelings or this marriage' and left him to it.

Bizarrely I'm at this moment cooking our dinner. I've done enough for two so I may as well carry on cooking it because I need something to eat myself, but it does feel strange, arguing with my dh over his lack of respect and then being the little doormat housewife and making his dinner.

I haven't really got a clue or a grip at the moment.

Next time you talk, say you also want to exchange it for the gold one just to see what he says.

To be fair you can't prove either way. Just part of a bigger picture. Someone asked about your access to money/ joint finances?

I would think that the porn in this case is because he has a sexual preference (anal play) that you are not into. So he's catering to it with porn rather than putting pressure on you to engage in it. I don't, actually, think that is so dreadful.
As to the ring, is it pretty? Do you like wearing it? If so, why does it matter how much he spent on it?
It does sound as though there are problems in your marriage, but it may be possible to sort them out with some serious discussion and thinking about what you want.

He got a bit annoyed and said he had genuinely thought he'd bought the white gold one I think most people would be mortified/apologetic if they had just found out they had given silver when they thought it was gold. He sounds like he is very aware of finances and the cost of things so he would have had to click on the price too.

Then throwing it back to to saying he didn't like one of your presents to him. That's also cheap.

This man is never in the wrong, is he.

fwiw I am hearing that you feel you are not at all valued as a SAHP, that you do everything and that he has no respect for you but feel powerless to do anything about it. been there and got the t-shirt! unless there are serious issues that you are not posting the big question is are you happy with him in general and do you want the relationship to improve? if so you need to work out your rules, is the porn issue huge for you? can you accept / ignore it? is it about the porn issue itself or the lack of respect for you or the lying? how do you feel about yourself right now, do you have any good times together as a family and as a couple away from Dc? it sounds as if you have lost your identity a little, as an individual and as a couple, not knowing the whole story and not having read other posts you have a bit of thinking to do, what do you want from this relationship and are you prepared to recognise that even though he is 'providing' right now you still have a right as the other half of a couple to insist on an equal relationship. this will involve some assertiveness and not being a doormat so good luck op.

Heleninahandcart you are so right.

He is never wrong. Neither is his dad. Never in the wrong and never says sorry for anything. His mum is an even bigger doormat than me, my Fil is truly dreadful in that respect. That's obviously where dh gets his empathetic caring nature from.

I definitely don't want to give up on my marriage. I have never envisaged myself being with anyone other than him. I just don't know how to communicate to him that I am unhappy with things in a way that will make him understand. I guess we've got so used to each other that we don't know how else to be. I don't know how much unreasonable behaviour I actually put up with anymore. Is it unreasonable? Is he entitled to have a sex life all by himself as well as with me? I must admit I'm not interested in porn but I thought I was fairly open minded about it. Well, saying that, a couple of clips I saw on his hard drive did make me want to vomit, they were pretty rank.

Perhaps it is harmless to let him enjoy these things by himself rather than make me have to join in if I don't want to. Perhaps he does know the limits and that's why he's never asked me to join in or watch the porn with him. Or maybe he doesn't fancy me in that way and doesn't want me involved. I don't know if I'm entirely happy with that idea. I just don't see him happily settling down with a cuppa to chat to me about it. Perhaps he does think it's dirty, hence why it's a turn on, but hence why he's ashamed of it.

My head is fucked. I don't know what to do.

MrsJB

Some men do have some difficulty in seeing the mother of their children as someone they can experiment with sexually (and that is even if you would want to :) ) You could google 'madonna complex' if interested.

However, it sounds as though it is the roles you both play in your marriage and how content you are with them that is the real problem. I wonder if talking to each other with a counsellor present might help? Being the sahp is tough but then so is being the one who has financial responsibility. Given what you have said about his parents this might just be the root of some of your unhappiness???

Rather than ditch the marriage perhaps you just need to renegotiate roles or even just both respect each others contribution more?

Does he care for the dc much? (I don't mean care about!!!)