So, following on from my shocking computer discovery, things are no better

[MrsJangleBalls]

In case anyone missed my previous thread in AIBU, I found an enormous amount of porn on our computer. My dh refused to discuss it with me, despite me explaining that I was shocked and a bit upset that he found the need to look at quite so many other women, and promptly hid the files on our portable hard drive. Which he then hid. I went looking for it and found all the files there just as I thought I would. I've put the hard drive back where he'd hidden it.

Made another discovery today. Long story but bear with me. Years ago when we first met he gave me a gold friendship ring with my birthstone on it. It broke this year so I said I'd quite like a new one for Christmas to replace it. Lo and behold was presented with a new ring which he said was white gold. I wasn't so sure so I checked it out on the website where he ordered it from. It's definitely silver. To confirm this I cheekily asked the jeweller in town to check the hallmark. He said its silver.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but he lied to me about a gift that he knew had great sentimental value to me. He lied about the porn on the computer and was more interested in keeping it than what I thought or felt. I thought we were so close but obviously I'm nothing more than housekeeper and childminder. Don't understand why he keeps lying to me. If he doesn't love me anymore why doesn't he just say so?

Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I'm a bit upset about it all.

I understand about the ring totally that is pretty shit, but the porn? NO you overreacted and should have just left it and not said anything.

There are clearly issues however within your relationship that you need to address.

Hi Jangle,

The plot really has thickened and I apologise for my blase post about If DH had that much time to catalogue 13000 pics I'd be wanting him to list stuff on ebay / scan and catalogue old photos.....

I completely understand you want to make your marriage work but this is a 2 man job and at present it seems you're the only one putting in the effort. Short of your DH reading all your posts on here to fully understand (and everyone else's take on it for good measure!) I really do think counselling is your only option.

Re the ring: my DH is very on the ball with such things and if your DH is one to watch the pennies then he will have known it was silver. Its not something I would use right now as this would look like this is a bigger issue for you than it actually is and you have seen his reaction.

Good luck and please ket us know you are ok x

I can't believe he didn't buy you a present as expensive as you wanted it to be - what a bastard!

This is so sad.

You're trying to minimise his porn addiction, his lying, his willingness to sell the roof over your head if you part and his contempt for you, telling yourself that it doesn't really matter.

But it does matter, doesn't it?

MrsJB - keep ignoring the fuckwit posts, even though this is in relationships, some people still can't resist the urge to be a fuckwit.

I think the first thing you need to do is get copies of everything financial you can find, put it all in an envelope and store it at a friends .

He is acting like a complete shit. An entitled, selfish, spoilt, nasty little man. It's clear to see where he got the idea that the man was the king of the castle and the little woman should cook, clean & care for the kids and she should know her place. Well fuck that.

Personally I think that if that is how he thinks, you wont change him. You can choose to live with it or you can choose to have a happier life on your own.

However, you don't sound ready to face that yet, so why not tell him that you need him to go to counselling with you because you are unhappy with your life the way it is and he wont listen to you without an outsider present?

Bear in mind they are your joint finances NOT his.

But that's not really the point though, is it Missing - the fact is that he lied about it (then became childish asking op to exchange one of his presents). Dh can also be a bit, ahem, careful with money but he'd never lie to me about it, nor I him. Op has stated similar of her dh, but the difference is that he categorically stated that it was gold. Why lie about it?

Fwiw MrsJ i'm glad you came back - you sounded like you were trying to put such a big brave front on in your last post but you sounded so desperately unhappy.

You say that you don't want to give up on your marriage and I completely understand that, but could you perhaps stay with family/ friends for a couple of weeks to give you some head space? You can't go on like this op, it all sounds so upsetting.

Sorry, meant stay with family/ friends as a bit of a break/ holiday with the dc's, not to "move oyt" iyswim?