Can I save us is he being an idiot?

[sarahcc25]

I have been with my oh for 5 years and we have a 5 month old ds. Like most relationships we have our ups and downs. A few years ago I had an affair which I am deeply ashamed of. My oh has never really gotten over this and to be fair I don't blame him. I did a horrible thing but I can not go back and undo what has been done. I am a SAHM to our little boy and literally do everything for him including getting up every hour all night since he has been born. Maybe a little bit of resentment has started towards my oh because of this. I am literally exhausted day in day out.

I have always wondered if my oh is a little abusive emotionally. He has always been a bit of a swearer and I hate it when he is annoyed that he calls me bad names such as cunt and prick. He says it is just the way he talks and I tell him it is disrespectful. It has gotten worse since our ds was born.

Yesterday morning at about 5am I woke up before oh and ds. Rather than turn on the tv I came onto mn on my phone as to not wake anyone. Well my oh woke up shortly after and started accusing me of talking to other men as he often does. I explained what I was doing and he said to me "if I ever catch you talking to another man I will murder you!". I told him not to say such things as I would never do that again but he told me he was being serious. A little later in the morning I was rocking my ds into his nap and we were having a little general bicker. During this he turned around and said to me "I am going to shout really loud and wake ds up I a minute!". I have been suffering with a uti the last few days and rocking ds to sleep has been very difficult (oh refuses to help do this even when I am Ill).

I can handle bad words and nastiness directed towards me but what I can not handle is threatening to wake our teething little boy up from a nap just to get at me. I want the best for ds and if that means either working at our relationship more or breaking up then I would do it in a flash.
Maybe I deserve what he says for what happened in the past I don't know. All I do know is I will make sure my baby has the best life I can give him. Do you think relate might be an idea or is it best to start again alone just me and ds?

OK, the first thing to do is get rid of this man. He's abusive, hates women and is going to get worse. End of.
Yeah yeah, having affairs is hurtful, blah blah, but decent people do not feel that a partner's affair justifies torturing and punishing the partner for ever after: you either work together to forgive the affair and move on or, if you can't, you end the relationship.
And FWIW having an affair is a perfectly legitimate response to being in an abusive relationship. It's a self-help mechanism that usually triggers an understanding that the official partner is no good and you need to get rid of him/her. So forgive yourself for that, break up with this knob as soon as you can and life will get better.
A word of caution though: get everything sorted and in place before you tell your H he is dumped. You need to be able to move fast, because a man who has already been abusive and threatened violence because he considers you his property rather than a person, is a man who becomes very dangerous when he thinks you are about to escape him.

Have got to go out but didn't want to read and run, will reply properly when I get back. YES he is being abusive, he sounds very scary and you are right to be concerned. Is there anyone in RL you can ring now?

Christ almighty, yes he's abusive and he's certainly an idiot. I would normally say get some counselling re the affair (together) if you haven't already, but from what you've said I can't see the point. He's threatening to kill you, and being a total bastard knowingly -"I am going to shout really loud & wake ds up in a minute!". That is calculated. Be careful. Who have you got in RL for support and help?

Oh and calling you cunt and prick-that is vile and stands as abuse alone imo.

What SGB said. This will escalate, I can promise you that. He'll end up hitting and then probably killing you if you stay. He's already being abusive now.
You definitely need to get out. Have you considered the Freedom Program/calling Women's Aid?

I am seeing my mum tomorrow with ds and going to have a chat with her about stuff. I feel terrible as his last partner left him with his other ds 12 years ago but maybe I can see why now. He is watching football as always this afternoon while I have ds so maybe I should think about getting a bag together for if something horrible happens. I am so sad it has come to this. I keep thinking ds should be brought up with both of us and it isn't that bad then the logical part of me thinks wake up and start standing up for yourself woman! :-(

I don't really have anyone in rl anymore. Over the years I have lost all my friends. I feel so alone most of the time. All I need is for my ds to be safe and happy I would give him the world. I have luckily put away a few thousand over the last year or so just incase I ever needed it.

Good for you. Tell your mum, keep your bag ready and hold that thought about standing up for yourself and your baby. He sounds very nasty indeed.

Ty everyone. Why is it when you read things back you can see how ba I'd really is but when you are living it you just excuse behaviour. The threats yesterday chilled me. I don't think he is capable of what he threatens but I know deep down I can't risk it. I need to start setting things in motion over the next few weeks. I don't know really where to start but I know that me and my baby deserve so much more.

Agree with everyone else here.

He is abusive and has no respect for you, you need to leave him.

Well done on having money saved. Now what you need to do is make sure he has no access to that money, pack some essentials and things like your DS's birth certificate and your passports and take them to your mums. Keep them there, so that if you have to leave unprepared you can just flee quickly. Slowly and without him noticing you need to transfer anything you want to keep to your mum's house (provided she is supportive of you escaping this horrible man of course).

Good luck and stay strong, you will be doing the right thing by leaving. For your DS and for you.

Good for you. Sometimes seeing things down in black and white helps. Or imagining the advice you would give a friend in your situation. I expect leaving will be very difficult but it sounds like the best thing to do for you and your son and you can and will be happier and safer elsewhere. All the very best.

He is an abusive arse. Yes you did a terrible thing but when you decide to stay with someone who has an affair you have to have the self awareness to know whether you can forgive that or not. If you are not even going to try to forgive them and move past this then you don't stay with them and keep holding it against them like a loaded gun.

The fact that he even threatens the thing he does (whether he is likely to act on it or not) shows that his mind works in a nasty vindictive way.

It is time for you to stop feeling gulty and allowing what you did years ago to make you feel that you should put up with his behaviour now.

He's an idiot - leave the psycho as quickly and safely as possible for you and your ds. Good luck.

Just now he comes storming in the bedroom and told me to look at his car out the window because of a new cover on it or something. I said just wait until I have got ds down for a feed and nap and I got called "a stupid fucking prick"! I hope my mum listens and isn't too judgemental or takes his side. It's time to start moving everything important out to her house and not wimp out. Believe it or not I left a physically abusive relationship before I got with oh. I feel stupid tbh and need to keep rereading his threats and behaviour. It is just the tip of the iceberg really of how our relationship is and if I was reading someone else's thread saying the same thing I know I would be saying "leave him you fool" so I need to keep repeating it to myself.

Like you say....look at it as an outsider....or if your best friend came to you and told you what you've just told us. What would you do/say?? Be sensible and do what's best for you and you dc.

When you go to your mums tomorrow take your passport, birth certificates, insurance documents etc.

So for you, he sounds awfull and yes, he is being very abusive.

If I were you I would be logging the death threat with the local police station and making them aware incase you need to call them.

Do you think your mum will support you?

Oh please don't feel stupid sarah. I think you're just great for recognising this man for what he is and preparing to leave before this escalates.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing.

I think that I am scared of leaving because I fear for the safety of ds. I have no doubt that oh thinks of me as his property and he knows he can get to me through the baby. He proved that yesterday when he threatened to wake him up just to get at me. I hate thinking such horrible thoughts but I will keep my son safe no matter what. What steps can I take to protect ds yet make sure they have a relationship. This feels like such a huge decision to make on behalf of my son and his dads relationship. Me and my mum are quite close I guess but I feel so ashamed talking to her. I don't know why I am so scared I just feel like she will blame me somehow. This guy has somehow isolated me over time from nearly everyone I know. Belittles me daily. Never helps with anything to do with bringing up ds or helping out. Never buys ds anything. Gambles every spare penny. And now has threatened me and pretended it was nothing. Bloody bastard!!!

What is he like with his ex and his other child? Does he see his other child or make child support payments?

You may well be able to judge how he will be with you by how he is with her. Could you get in touch with her and see what she has to say about her relationship with him?

First things first. You need to not be with him anymore. Once you are away from him you can start sorting out other things.

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

Right.

First things first.

(((HUG)))

You love are a fabulously brave and very intelligent woman. We can see that, cos you have worked this out, and you are now here asking us these questions.

To answer the questions in your title: 1: NO You can not SAVE 'us' and 2: He's not being an idiot, he's being abusive, manipulative, controlling and menacing. he is also abusing your son directly. An idiot would not be capable of any of the above. He is doing ALL of this in FULL knowledge of his actions and the effects they have on you. Sadly, your DS doesn't figure at all in his calculations, he doesn't care about him, your DS, to him is merely collateral damage. ANYTHING is justified in his pursuit to get at YOU. He HATES YOU.

WRT getting your DS and yourself away from this evil man, absolutely you have to do this as soon as you possibly can. Come hell or high water, with or without your Mother's support. There is no Plan B to that.

Believe me, the LAST thing you need to think about is exposing your DS to his father. It will do him NO good at all. FWIW, the ideal scenario would be for your DS to never clap eyes on his father again. This guy has ruined and poisoned every aspect of your life and your family unit. HE HAS.

If you remember nothing else, Remember this: YOU are not ripping the relationship to pieces. YOU are not denying this man a life with you and his son. YOU are not making it impossible to stay with him. In short YOU have NOTHING to do with this at all.

Please read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That.

Please call Woman's Aid, or Respect if you can't get through (they are govt funded, set up for perpetrators, but perps don't actually seek help too often, so are more likely to be twiddling thumbs)

You will NEVER be able to fix this. You didn't break it. HE DID.

IT WILL NEVER GET ANY BETTER, ONLY WORSE. He will escalate it, because they ALWAYS DO.

Get help, get out.

Let us know how we can best help you to do this?

He sees his other ds once every 2 weeks overnight. He does not have a close relationship with him. He says he does not feel like he is his son because he did not bring him up. He always back tracks when I say that he shouldn't say things like that. He says he feels like our ds is his real son and can't wait to get to bring him up. This makes me feel so terribly guilty.