Can I save us is he being an idiot?

[sarahcc25]

I have been with my oh for 5 years and we have a 5 month old ds. Like most relationships we have our ups and downs. A few years ago I had an affair which I am deeply ashamed of. My oh has never really gotten over this and to be fair I don't blame him. I did a horrible thing but I can not go back and undo what has been done. I am a SAHM to our little boy and literally do everything for him including getting up every hour all night since he has been born. Maybe a little bit of resentment has started towards my oh because of this. I am literally exhausted day in day out.

I have always wondered if my oh is a little abusive emotionally. He has always been a bit of a swearer and I hate it when he is annoyed that he calls me bad names such as cunt and prick. He says it is just the way he talks and I tell him it is disrespectful. It has gotten worse since our ds was born.

Yesterday morning at about 5am I woke up before oh and ds. Rather than turn on the tv I came onto mn on my phone as to not wake anyone. Well my oh woke up shortly after and started accusing me of talking to other men as he often does. I explained what I was doing and he said to me "if I ever catch you talking to another man I will murder you!". I told him not to say such things as I would never do that again but he told me he was being serious. A little later in the morning I was rocking my ds into his nap and we were having a little general bicker. During this he turned around and said to me "I am going to shout really loud and wake ds up I a minute!". I have been suffering with a uti the last few days and rocking ds to sleep has been very difficult (oh refuses to help do this even when I am Ill).

I can handle bad words and nastiness directed towards me but what I can not handle is threatening to wake our teething little boy up from a nap just to get at me. I want the best for ds and if that means either working at our relationship more or breaking up then I would do it in a flash.
Maybe I deserve what he says for what happened in the past I don't know. All I do know is I will make sure my baby has the best life I can give him. Do you think relate might be an idea or is it best to start again alone just me and ds?

I hope your Mum is supportive OP - I have three daughters and I'm sure if they told me that their partner was calling them such vile names and threatening them, I'd move heaven and earth to help them.

Good luck. I think you're absolutely right to get yourself and your ds away. Aside from the way he treats you, what a dreadful example he will set to your son.

Hi Sarah,

I really hope your mum is really supportive and on your side and makes you stay at hers. I hope you don't ever have to spend another night living with your DP, but if you do (because it's hard to leave immediately) then I wish you all the strength in the world.

You are doing the right thing by leaving. Don't feel guilty.

I hope you find your chat with your Mum to be helpful, cathartic and supportive. I think you are doing the right thing - and smartly. You are being a good Mum and your son will benefit from having such a parent. Good Luck

Well today went pretty much how I expected it to. I asked my mum if I could keep some documents and toys and clothes for ds at hers for a while. She didn't have a problem with this as I knew she wouldn't. When I opened up to her about I was thinking of leaving she down played the whole situation including the death threat. I know maybe I didn't press the subject enough as she just kind of made me feel a little over dramatic. I don't want to put a lot of stress on her but I also realise my situation is serious. At least I have moved a few items if I need to leave in a hurry. I think what I need to do tomorrow is contact woman's aid and get some more advice on really keeping us safe. I might start to get some info on flats to rent so I have a few more options. Thank god for mn and all you wonderful posters that's all I can say.

OK, so perhaps your mum can't doesn't want to be involved.

My mum fucked off to NZ the month X left. THIS year, a full 12m on, she's putting her house on the market and wondering why I WON'T move down to Cornwall with her

I have set myself up to go to the Freedom programme, have found a therapist and attend regular DV groups. I don't need her for anything.

Sadly people DON'T support you always, but that is THEIR failure, not yours. Better you get yourself sorted than rely on them and have them let you down. It's shit, but what can we do?

Circumvent them, get proper outside support, open up to any friends you have, they may just come good for you! The random acts of kindness from complete strangers, and people who I barely knew was what really touched me.

You are NOT being over dramatic, your mother has her own (selfish) reasons for not wanting to own up/acknowledge what is happening to you. In time you may see why, but right now, you don't have the luxury to sit an ponder her reasons for helping you in every way that you know she can.

Get as much information about everything you may need to stand on your own two feet, the next steps will seem less daunting then.

Let us know if you are confused by anything, or if you need advice, someone here can point you in the right direction.

Stay strong.

People can be scared of change and back away from it as a default position. Given a bit of time to really take in the implications they can accept it. I don't know if your mum is that sort of person.

My own mum, when I needed her support over something, completely dismissed my pov, but when it came down to it was incredibly supportive. I'm not sure what it was with her, Catholicism was certainly part of it. Anyway, once I'd made things irrevocable, she was great. I'd have liked to have her behind me figuratively from the start as it would have helped me make decisions but hey, I managed.

It complicates matters a little as I was hoping the offer of a room to stay may have been on the table but where there is a will there is a way. I am used to doing things alone and I will just need to have the strength for both me and ds from now on.

I am hoping/confident that I can get some good advice from woman's aid in the morning. I wish I was alone with ds right now but these things take time and planning I guess.

Did you tell her nice and calmly like a good girl sorry, like a rational adult? This minimizes what is happening, makes people think that things are not that bad because they have this idea of a woman being terrified, shaking, in tears, incoherent, covered in bruises, cuts and maybe with broken bones in hospital. Sometimes.

Did you show her you are scared, or did you use self-control and just tell her?

Women's Aid willyou, with support, advice and with practical rl help, so you don't have to involve your mum at all if you don't want to.

You did say earlier that you and your mum are quite close. Do you think that is uncharted territory for her, and she may come up trumps when she sees that the police, say, are taking it seriously?

Have you called the cop DV unit? You really should get that threat logged. It is not normal; I am worried you are still not taking this seriously.

I was going to write what Jux has already written.

Did you actually say to your mum "I need to sleep in your spare room, I am scared for me and DS's safety?" or did you just hint at it? Or just hope your mum would offer? If you're downplaying the situation to her, she might not want to over react and not take it very seriously because you have downplayed it? Maybe?

I agree, dont drop hints as it implies that things arent particularly serious.

If you spell out what you need and ask her to help you then there is no ambiguity. Dont feel foolish or embarrassed to ask her, you need help, she can give it.

Yes she did downplay it, but by the sound of it, so did you. Do you have evidence of your former injuries such as photos etc? If you do then I would show them to her, yes it will upset her but it would be an uncaring person who wouldnt offer you a place in their home there and then.

THinking of you sweetheart x