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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I save us is he being an idiot?

61 replies

sarahcc25 · 03/01/2012 14:45

I have been with my oh for 5 years and we have a 5 month old ds. Like most relationships we have our ups and downs. A few years ago I had an affair which I am deeply ashamed of. My oh has never really gotten over this and to be fair I don't blame him. I did a horrible thing but I can not go back and undo what has been done. I am a SAHM to our little boy and literally do everything for him including getting up every hour all night since he has been born. Maybe a little bit of resentment has started towards my oh because of this. I am literally exhausted day in day out.

I have always wondered if my oh is a little abusive emotionally. He has always been a bit of a swearer and I hate it when he is annoyed that he calls me bad names such as cunt and prick. He says it is just the way he talks and I tell him it is disrespectful. It has gotten worse since our ds was born.

Yesterday morning at about 5am I woke up before oh and ds. Rather than turn on the tv I came onto mn on my phone as to not wake anyone. Well my oh woke up shortly after and started accusing me of talking to other men as he often does. I explained what I was doing and he said to me "if I ever catch you talking to another man I will murder you!". I told him not to say such things as I would never do that again but he told me he was being serious. A little later in the morning I was rocking my ds into his nap and we were having a little general bicker. During this he turned around and said to me "I am going to shout really loud and wake ds up I a minute!". I have been suffering with a uti the last few days and rocking ds to sleep has been very difficult (oh refuses to help do this even when I am Ill).

I can handle bad words and nastiness directed towards me but what I can not handle is threatening to wake our teething little boy up from a nap just to get at me. I want the best for ds and if that means either working at our relationship more or breaking up then I would do it in a flash.
Maybe I deserve what he says for what happened in the past I don't know. All I do know is I will make sure my baby has the best life I can give him. Do you think relate might be an idea or is it best to start again alone just me and ds?

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 03/01/2012 17:50

erm.. it's Houdini... No dogs allowed... Grin

Oh, the HOUDINI (famous escapologist) is because I got out of one abusive 10 year relationship, and narrowly dodged a relationship with a full on nasty man a few months ago too...

Bogeyface · 03/01/2012 17:52

Has he ever said why him and his ex split up? Do you have contact with her?

HoudiniHissy · 03/01/2012 17:54

Sarah, what he is saying is BOLLOCKS!

he is only saying this to keep you where he wants you.

A child living in an environment where there is an abusive relationship being conducted is deemed as being DIRECTLY ABUSED by SS.

He WANTS to make you feel guilty. Trust me, he's not even warmed up yet! This will get worse.

Keep talking to us, please call WA, please get the book, please come over and post/ask questions on the Emotional Abuse Support Thread in Relationships. We'll help you every step of the way, but you have to understand as soon as you possibly can that you have to get out of this relationship, there is no alternative.

You have to write this guy off. There is no saving him. Not EVER.

Original poster
sarahcc25 · 03/01/2012 17:55

And you are right HoudiniHissy I know it. I just need to keep the momentum going. Get things together and stop feeling like I owe him anything. I look at my darling ds's sleeping face and I know he needs me to do the right thing. He has no voice or choice I have to do this for him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2012 17:58

Hopefully your mother will be supportive of you and your son.

You need to get away from this abusive man asap before he further harms you and by turn your son (who will also learn from him in time how to treat women). There is no relationship here to save; you will do yourself and your son a huge favour by not having this abusive man in your lives on a day to day basis.

With regards to further contact between his son and he, I would legally formalise all such arrangements.

Womens Aid would certainly be good to talk to in your particular circumstances. Take all the important paperwork you have re you and your son to your mother's and do not return to your current residence. Do not downplay to her anything that has happened.

Quite apart from the abuse you receive at his hands this man is a very poor role model for your son to look up to. Your son requires far better male role models, his Dad is clearly not up to the task. You both deserve better than this damaged man who btw will never change and does not see anything wrong in how he treats you. He views you as his possession to use and abuse as he sees fit.

I would also suggest you look into the Freedom programme that Womens Aid run in some areas as I note you were also in a physically abusive relationship previously.

buggerlugs82 · 03/01/2012 18:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2012 18:06

Sarah,

You are your son's best - and only - advocate here.

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE. There is no relationship to save here.

He says he can't wait to get to bring him up - he has not been doing anything at all with him for the last five months of his life so what will really change longer term?. He just says all that to manipulate you into feeling guilty, well sod feeling guilty because guilt is a useless emotion and not one you should be feeling now.

You both need to get away from this abusive man of yours before he ruins both your life and your son's childhood.

I note he does not have a close relationship with his other child; that was his choice ultimately. All this man cares about is his own self.

Original poster
sarahcc25 · 03/01/2012 18:12

The more I read your fab responses the less I feel guilty and the more I feel angry. I don't know a lot about why his ex left but I do know he was not allowed contact with his other ds for 2 years. It is all slowly starting to make more sense as to why that may have been.

OP posts:
buggerlugs82 · 03/01/2012 18:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

HoudiniHissy · 03/01/2012 18:17

Feel angry, you have every right to feel it! this man has stolen your life from you!

the scales are falling from your eyes, keep the momentum going, if you feel you are flagging, please shout? we'll boot your behind keep you going!

Grin

Well done love, you really are doing the right thing for your boy.

HoudiniHissy · 03/01/2012 18:21

Let me just tell you that this will be some of the hardest, scariest times you live, trying to get out of this, but they will pass once you are out. It's kind of like giving birth, it gets tough, then very tough, then very bloody tough, but one final push and it's done.

the grass is OH SO MUCH GREENER on the other side. People are lovely, they will support and help you. If they don't, then they are to be discarded immediately, they are no use to you. Your ONLY focus in life is to get free, to get your boy away from someone that can only teach him to be the same to HIS GF and DWs, and more than likely to YOU.

Original poster
sarahcc25 · 03/01/2012 18:27

I have one bag packed and hidden with all our most important documents. I have woman's aids number and I have all your wonderful responses to keep me sane. He won't be in until I am asleep tonight thank god he is too busy watching films and playing games. I have never felt more scared yet more relieved at the same time. I am so glad it's not just in my head and I feel positive that I can be the positive role model my ds needs.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/01/2012 18:32

The affair is really rather a red herring here, isn't it? This doesn't sound like the behaviour of a man who is insecure, but of one who delights in being unpleasant. If you hadn't done it he'd have had to look for something else to lay a guilt trip on you for, and believe me he'd have found one - if all else failed, an imaginary one. It's a fabulous excuse from his point of view to be as nasty as he likes, because your guilt makes you believe you might deserve it. The fact is, though, that you do NOT deserve this treatment. As you rightly observe, he's not above getting at you through unkindness to your - his! - baby. Don't tell me that's someone who was deeply hurt by being cheated on. That is one nasty bastard.

Run away, run away.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/01/2012 18:35

X post with your last - thank God you're getting out.

trulyscrumptious43 · 03/01/2012 21:02

If you need somewhere to hide, or just stay for a while with your DS we have a spare room. We are in the countryside in a little known place. PM me if this could be ever, ever of any use to you.
(I have been there with two partners in DV situations.)

babyhammock · 03/01/2012 21:11

I think that I am scared of leaving because I fear for the safety of ds yes I completely get you on this :( and you are right to feel that way. This kept me with my ex too.
Please don't feel guilty, he will use DS to get to you anyway he can by the sounds of things. DS and you are are just property to him to use as he sees fit.

Log everything and give nothing away until you know you can leave him permanently. I know you know this, but you need to be really careful, he is dangerous.

Go to the police about the death threats too and when you do leave get them to come round.
Goodluck, you're doing brilliant x

Jasper · 03/01/2012 21:11

I'm not surprised you had an affair.
Truly scrumptious, you are an angel.
Good luck OP

solidgoldbrass · 03/01/2012 21:17

Get in touch with the police and report that he is abusive, that you are planning to leave and that he has threatened to kill you. They may not do anything straight away but you have it on record that he is potentially dangerous, which means you will get a faster response when you need one.
Good luck. It is a dangerous time but you sound pretty clear-headed and you will get through it.

PeppermintPasty · 03/01/2012 21:35

Good good good, well done Sarah, keep on going. I think you are a WONDERFUL woman looking out for her ds (and herself). Agree about talking to the police-you must get that threat to kill on record. Just look at wtf has been reported all over the news today, all over the bloody country. Almost unbelievable. Except it's true Sad Good luck with your mum too.

ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso · 03/01/2012 22:56

Glad to hear you sounding so strong, you can do this and we are all here for you.

I will say it again but please do go to the police station and speak to someone there, if your scared of someone seeing you please try to call them, they will provide support (as will womens aid)

Make sure that bag is well hidden and where ever you took the documents from is all placed back as it was before hand, you need to be sneaky at this point.

Good luck and keep posting.

Original poster
sarahcc25 · 04/01/2012 07:16

I woke up sweating and questioning myself this morning. I keep asking myself is it really that bad? Why do I feel so guilty?!? I wish I could take that emotion away right now but it still lingers there. Then I remember he threatened to murder me. He didn't say he would kill me like someone may say in anger but be coldly told me he would murder me. I just shake when I write that and I need that fear to keep it real to me. Even if he is not capable of doing what he threatens the threat is still there. Thank you for your kind offer trulyscrumptious43 i will certainly remember it. I feel far from brave today I feel sick to my stomach. I will be going over to see my dm mid morning and I just need to keep any tiny bit of bravery I feel going and talk to her.

OP posts:
Jux · 04/01/2012 09:05

Take what you can to your mum's and don't go back home. Phone the police and ask for a DV officer and phone Women's Aid.

You can do it. We are here for you.

ArtVandelay · 04/01/2012 09:28

I'm probably not so useful in this situation but I'll be in and out of MN most of the day so can encourage you if that helps.

Be strong - if you end this now your DS will never have to deal with the daily fear and damage a person like your P can inflict. You'll blossom too.

Jux · 04/01/2012 09:31

Nor will he grow up thinking that that is the way to treat women.

catherinea1971 · 04/01/2012 10:35

Hi Sarah, I have been following your thread, what an awful nasty piece of work your oh is. You really need to take what he has said seriously, I echo what others have suggested re going and logging his threat with the police, it could make matters more simple in the future if they are made aware now what is going on.
I hope that you are going to go to your mums this morning and stay there. You are in a really good position having some savings in that it is one less thing to worry about when you leave, I would urge you to go today.

If your oh is in work today could you possibly get someone to help you remove all of your belongings from the house whilst he's not there?
Good luck, you are doing so well recognising him for what he really is, you are ensuring that your ds grows up in a happy safe environment.

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