Need tips for dealing with a DH with no social skills

[SenseofEntitlement]

Before I start, I'm leaving out details, can we just focus on the question please, he really isn't just this problem.

Ok, DH is, well, there is no quicker way to explain, a bit aspergersy. Very very clever (people queue up to ask him facts, he can argue the part of anyone in a debate) but with very few social skills - he admits that people are 'a mystery, why they act so strangly and illogically'

He keeps saying things that are blatently insenstive. Eg, me and childless (but very broody) sister talking about my severe mental illness and hospitalisation - first proper talk about it. 'Well, I should be careful. If they get hold of me they will lock me up. If fact I often think that if I dosn't have kids I would just stab someone and get locked up and then I wouldn't have to meet people and be nice. You wouldb't know, you don't have children.'
He was obviously making a very awkward joke to lighten the mood, but not an appropiate one.
This is quite a common event (not usually talking about violence, but just being completely unaware of what other people might think or feel)
Is there anything I can do? He is normally lovely, but comes out with these howlers several times a day and just doesn't seem to notice them.

Should add, there has been talk of me having some.non specific issue as well - I have bipolar one, a diagnosis of borderline personality that I don't agree with, dyslexia and dyspraxia, but I have sensory and social issues that don't seem to fit with any of that. Unless manic though, I just go around saying embarrassing things and being mortified afterwards, so I don't think that is a huge issue - I shut up most of the time.

DH doesn't seem to think he is even breaking rules - he just points out what the facts are, and is baffled when people get upset.
DD1 is showing traits as well - it became really noticeable recently at a school party, where me, dh and dd1 were stood awkwardly at the side and dd2 was charging about with the other kids - dd2 baffles us a bit. Still, it is dh who people constantly tell me is 'aspergersy' - that is the word they use. I realise most people don't understand, and we are probably using the wrong words, but when I said that you all knew what I meant.
My mum says he has an epileptic personality, just because he used to have epilepsy, but I'm pretty sure that is a concept entirely made up by her.

Likeatonneofbricks - that is a great question and now I'm wondering how others have dealt with this. I think the directness helps a lot to make up for the whole invisible signals thing. Okay so I think I got it wrong more than I got it right but I guess without being so direct Id probably still have never been in a relationship. But I've probably crashed and burned more than NTs. Plus there's the whole thing where you want to be friends with someone but give off the wrong signals and they think you're interested and then you end up in an awkward situation saying 'uh why are you trying to kiss me?!' and they are super confused because apparently non verbally I said I wanted to.

likeatonofbricks - I've never approached anyone in a relationship situation, I have always let men approach me and I think I might never have had any relationships if it was the expected thing for women to approach men in relationships. Women/girls with Aspergers present very differently from men with AS. I can cope with 1-1 situations like dates and going out with friends, but I clam up in a group situation. It's quite common for young girls with AS to be exploited by older men though, as they end up relying on their sexuality/looks to develop relationships instead of social skills - that is something that applied to me as well.

I think men with AS are far more likely to be in the stereotypical situation of being late with having a first relationship/losing virginity/never marrying, as society expects men to make the first move. Conversely, some of my traits mean that I am more attractive to men - I'm quiet, fairly passive, have anxiety/MH issues which attracts 'rescuer' types and I often need my own space so I don't put pressure on men to maintain contact.

I met DP on an internet dating site. There wasn't really any emotional connection, but we both fancied each other so slept with each other straight away. No issue

Now, we just kind of co-exist as parents, I do my stuff, he does his, we chat about the kids. It's pretty uncomplicated. He has to ask for cuddles though, as I just don't 'do' affection (I love to cuddle my children though)

Omg, Autumn, your post really struck a chord - you just described my dd1 (apart from obviously sexuality, although for that I could swear you have met me) I always thought that the things you describe were proof against this kind of issue. Saying that, last time I was in hospital I kept asking for assessment and just managed to gain this borderline personality diagnosis somehow, but that is a whole other story, and I'm meant to be talking about dh here.

Dating wise, both me and dh have never even been on a date, we just kind of wondered about randomly having sex with people and falling into relationships. Then we fell into a relationship with each other and accidentally got pregnant, then fell in love :-) He's an arse, but a lovely one.

thank you - very interesting responses about dating. I'm not sure all AS women are the type you describe Autumn, as I'd imagine many are sensing their vulnerability and would stay away from controlling types - in a way AS (I thought) are quite indepedent minded, I can't see them taking kindly to being controlled by partners, I think many would tend to tell them to f off in their direct way (rightly so). I mean, you are talking about very young women (but they can be easy to manipulate generally by older attractive men) , but i don't think it applies to women who aer mature (say 26+).
Also, to captain and autumn, I would think as far as LTRs go, it's the opposite - better to be a man with AS as there are many more understanding and patient women/wifes. For women it's much harder as they aer seen as odd by conventional men who expect them to have a social network of friends or relatives, so that he 's not the only support in her life (lots of men are cowards when it comes to be supportive). So it's all quite confusing. Also, what would tou say is the main difference between a shy person (social phobia) and an AS? Is it the case that AS don't care about others' opinions of them?

I would agree with everything autumn has said she could actually be describing my experience of dating.

In my experience I have been controlled by men and women ( woman not in a sexual way but a manipulative making me do things way) I think you have the wrong impression of someone with AS as being rude and abrupt (which I can be) but I am also quite gullible and naive I am also very passive so yes it is easy to be controlled and no I would never tell someone to f off although there were plenty of times I probably should have.

With AS I have a lot of sensory issues and problems with getting my mind off a subject of interest which would not be a problem with a social phobia and I do most definatly care about other peoples opinions of me I think it would be easier if I did not.

neverputasockinatoaster - My husband is an engineer.

You know Asperger's was called "The Engineer's Disease", don't you?

I tend to read these threads with interest, for a variety of reasons, but will try not to put my foot in it this time. I have several autistic-type qualities but have not got Asperger's. Autism's a spectrum, isn't it? I'm on the A side of middle, I think.

As a young adult, I worked very consciously at learning how to behave appropriately in different social groups. It was hard going at times and I still make mistakes - I don't know whether I make more than most others.

I started to learn more about Apserger's because I thought some of the people close to me, including family members, may have it. Now I feel those people are not so much Aspies as assorted flavours of sociopath. Please don't get offended: a lot of the behavioural markers are the same, and there's even mounting evidence that there are similar abnormalities in brain function ... this is not a way of saying Aspies are sociopaths.

My point, anyway, was that I may have ended up feeling like a social misfit because of my weird family, not due to a genetic disability. It is really hard to tell, even for experts; the whole science of neuro-psychology is new and changing very fast. I feel that, if a person is 'misfitted' or someone close to them is, it's worth exploring ways of rubbing along better with people. Many Aspies do it quite successfully but more, I believe, find it too stressful to keep up for any length of time.

I've nothing specific to say to you, SoE, except to be careful you don't excuse bad behaviour. Even if he can't empathise with others' hurt feelings, he can and should apologise when he hurts them. As Amberlight has often said, Asperger's is a sensory disorder not an excuse for being an arse! This has taken ages to type so, hopefully, she's turned up on your thread by now :)

It is unlikely a man could ever control me, I am more secure with male relationships (I'm very close to my dad) Women, however, are another matter

I've just managed to ditch a female friend who has been controlling and manipulating me for three years (funnily enough she has BPD). Of course, I had to be totally honest, and tell her why. I'm sure a normal woman would have just stopped returning calls, and made excuses that kind of thing. I can't do that. It's so dishonest.

Aspies are not sociopathic, we are too logical, and can usually see things from other's perspective.

Dylthan, could you explain your phrase 'problems with getting my mind off a subject of interest' please? isn't this an OCD issue rather than AS's? and how do you actually experience this - a constant discussion in your mind, or some other sensations (when you can't get your mind off). Also did you mean that also as in dating situation, i.e. a person rather than subject? sorry for the ignorance, I'm genuinely interested.
asdevil - why women? do you mean because they lie better? It's good that you confirmed that not all AS's can be controlled by partners, i did suspect that - and did anyone call you controlling, i.e. saying that you come across as always right (being direct/logical)?

I'm not Dylthan but, no, it's not OCD. It's hyperfocus. I do it - I can learn really fast, but lose hours (36hrs once, though usually more like 4). It's a sort of mental tunnel-vision.

Aspies do also, as you touched on, develop obsessive interests and, yes, they can be people. Again, it's a double-edged sword. When the obsession's over a research topic, say, or a job, it leads to rewards & satisfaction. But it can just as easily be over something far less helpful like porn or weapons. Obsessions can last for years and then suddenly end for no reason, to be replaced by another. I've got this tendency, too, but can manage it (just about) whereas true Aspies have no control over it.

I didn't know about hyperfocus - thanks garlic! So what happens if the focus is on te person? do AS people tend to keep it in their head, or act on it by following the person (simplistically speaking?) are they likely to stalk?

That would be an 'obsessive interest' if they were acting stalkerish. It does happen, yes - Asperger's has been used as a defence in some high-profile stalking cases. Too tired to find links for you, sorry. Afaik, it's not been successful but has led to reduced penalties.

In my understanding - which is far from expert - people with autistic spectrum disorders are well capable of grasping that stalking distresses the object of interest. Once they get that, they will stop although some might continue to try more conventional methods of courtship.

You can find thousands of stories from women who were charmed by a lover's intense interest in them, only to find it evaporated once they got married (in their Aspie's mind the objective had been achieved.) Stalkers on the whole tend to be delusional, bordering on psychotic. That's not an autistic symptom, though it can certainly be concurrent.