Need tips for dealing with a DH with no social skills

[SenseofEntitlement]

Before I start, I'm leaving out details, can we just focus on the question please, he really isn't just this problem.

Ok, DH is, well, there is no quicker way to explain, a bit aspergersy. Very very clever (people queue up to ask him facts, he can argue the part of anyone in a debate) but with very few social skills - he admits that people are 'a mystery, why they act so strangly and illogically'

He keeps saying things that are blatently insenstive. Eg, me and childless (but very broody) sister talking about my severe mental illness and hospitalisation - first proper talk about it. 'Well, I should be careful. If they get hold of me they will lock me up. If fact I often think that if I dosn't have kids I would just stab someone and get locked up and then I wouldn't have to meet people and be nice. You wouldb't know, you don't have children.'
He was obviously making a very awkward joke to lighten the mood, but not an appropiate one.
This is quite a common event (not usually talking about violence, but just being completely unaware of what other people might think or feel)
Is there anything I can do? He is normally lovely, but comes out with these howlers several times a day and just doesn't seem to notice them.

I've no useful advice but I was just wondering whether many "aspergery" adults try to get themselves diagnosed officially as adults? And if so how easy or difficult it is?

virtually impossibly I think fuzz. Rare private dx are possible but often then not taken seriously.

There is a whole department at one of our local NHS hospitals devoted to diagnosing adults. I only know one person who got his diagnosis there, but my son's Paed said they have had to wake up to the fact that plenty of adults are on the spectrum but did not have the opportunity for diagnosis as children.

Can you say which hospital that is Jandy?

It's in Northants.

Can you say which hospital? Its very unusual to have a whole department geared towards adults with autistic spectrum disorders.

Does an adult diagnosis 'help' in any way?

I was diagnosed as an adult and it did help. Prior to diagnosis it was a mental health problem that I needed to get better from. A life time of not getting better is soul destroying. Diagnosis for me meant acceptance, rather than trying to fix myself to be 'normal'. It's also resulted in a much greater understanding of what is happening to me, which directly affects how I deal with it.

It's like a lifetime of drowning but now you can touch the bottom.

afaik you can get adult ASD diagnoses in Cambridgeshire, Shropshire and Merseyside via the NHS. There may be other places in the UK too.

Moving back to OP, does your husband want to avoid these howlers? Does he want you to help him out with social skills?

2boys - adult diagnosis can help practically in terms of asking employers/educational bodies for reasonable adjustments for disability, in some areas in accessing some form of adult services/psychological support (imagine on NHS this is very thing on the ground indeed) etc. Or sometimes just having an official explanation for social struggles/sensory difficulties with life can be a help psychologically

I was diagnosed as an adult under the NHS at the age of 32. I'd been in the mental health system since the age of 14 though, with various interventions (medication, therapy, psychiatric nurse).

I know other adults who have been diagnosed under the NHS too, so I wouldn't say it's virtually impossible, but all of them have additional issues, usually mental health related, including alcoholism. I think it is harder if the adult is functioning well - working FT and coping with relationships or if they have a partner to support them, which can mask the difficulties.

When I went for assessment one of the first things they looked at was whether or not a diagnosis was even necessary. I was told that they don't usually give a diagnosis if it can be avoided because widespread ignorance can mean that it actually makes life harder.

OP: You might find it helpful to read Rudi Simone's "22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with Asperger's syndrome".

Terrible title. It's a book written by an autistic woman, from a spectrum POV rather than a "fix it" NT point of view. It lays out some of the ways in which a person with AS might differ from the mainstream, and then suggests ways of living more harmoniously - it's really not a "fix him" book, but a "your life is likely to look a bit unconventional in these ways - here are some of the positives of that".

HTH.

Thanks all for your replies re adult diagnosis. I did ask for a reason and have something to think about now.

I have a brother who is on the autism spectrum (undiagnosed in childhood). He is a lovely person but becomes very stressed in social situations where he doesn't know the "protocol." It is helpful for him to know in advance what will happen, to the extent that is possible. Having some memorized topics for conversation is also a way for him to cope.

OP, have you read any of the works of Temple Grandin? She has high functioning autism and has written about her experiences. She provides some fascinating insights into what her life is like.

'I was told that they don't usually give a diagnosis if it can be avoided because widespread ignorance can mean that it actually makes life harder.'

That must be one of the stupidest things I've read. You don't get a frigging tattoo on your head when you get a dx surely? Isn't it then up to the individual what they do with the diagnosis and whether they disclose it. By denying a dx (particularly from an adult presenting who has obviously gone though quite a bit to get there) you are denying their rights. Grrr.

My husband is an engineer. He is astoundingly intelligent, he comes across as arrogant and he really doesn't see the point of 'small talk'. He will have a perfectly reasonable conversation on a huge range of subjects, including emotive topics if he is interested but he will not make 'small talk' purely to be polite.

It is how he is. It drives my mother mad and is a cause of tension betweeen me and my mother but I am fine with it.

My son is currently being assessed for ASD and ADHD and the more we look into his condition the more I see that my OH is also 'on the spectrum' as is my father.

I accept my husband for him. I love him. He loves me. Sometimes it frustrates me that he cannot, just once, break free. But he can't. He has tried.

I think I am lucky because he has never said anything that could be considered to be insensitive. He tends to say nothing at all unless directly asked his opinion. His get out is to say he doesn't know, that way he doesn't hurt anyone!

I must look for the books about living with a man with ASD. it sounds interesting.

I wonder about getting a diagnosis, I do ok, although I have a crippling social phobia.

I mostly stick to making friends with foreigners, (or people like me) it's easier. I just don't get social rules - saying one thing, meaning another, etc.

Fortunately, DH is an engineer, and I suspect slighly on the spectrum. DS (5) is awaiting diagnosis, and DD is probably aspergers too, which is more of a worry as it isn't obvious. I fear she may be overlooked completely, whilst DS will get help

Sorry, not much help to the OP, but maybe it would be helpful to give him clear, logical instructions and be very direct. (just thinking what works for me). Also, in coversations, get to the point very, very quickly! (otherwise you will drive us nuts)

Lenin, I also think I have language processing difficulties, hence the need for people to get to the point really quickly. Plus I am an introvert, which probably makes a difference.

I do have aspie friends who can waffle for England though. I just zone out and let them get on with it.

For anyone living in London, SLAM have a whole ASD department that includes assessment for adults. Getting referred out of borough is the difficult part.

Im 25 and was diagnosed as an adult with both ADHD and asperger's. My partner knew me before my dx and we went through the whole thing together. I'm on medication for ADHD but AS is much more difficult 'to rectify' (for lack of a better phrase). In fact my ADHD meds make the aspie in me way more obvious because I used to rely on my hyperactivity to socialise with people.

Regarding the OP, my partner is incredibly supportive of my 'weirdness' with socialising and what is deemed appropriate conversation. As someone else said she also gives me a nudge if I've started saying something rude or offensive or if I'm about to launch into a big monologue about something that other people will probably not find interesting (or at least not in such great detail). Also if she does hear me say something that was potentially offensive she will tell me about it later so that I'm aware of it. This isn't her trying to change me, she's just playing the part of something that should be intrinsic but unfortunately isn't. I can only speak for myself but when I say offensive things it is usually observational and perfectly logical but devoid of all social rules and empathy. I'm not intentionally trying to upset anyone. She understands this now and it therefore no longer upsets her, so she'll just point it out and if I require further explanation then I ask. It also means that i can apologise. If I had said something hurtful to a family member and was told later on then I have the opportunity to speak to this person again and say I'm really sorry about what I said the other day, I realise it was unhelpful and hurtful. Whilst I often do not understand the way that people react to the things I say or why they might be offended or hurt, it is still not my intention to be offensive and therefore I appreciate being told when I am so that I can at least apologise. (I did have to be taught how to apologise though!)

Sure it is a bit like acting and it can be exhausting. But I feel much more comfortable when I have a script than when I'm left to my own devices. Getting a dx might help but you don't really need one if he can see that he has difficulty filtering what's appropriate. Then all you need to do is point it out in as respectful a way as possible ( don't patronise him or do it in front of other people).

Surely there are things that you need help with that he's good at? Just think of it like that. My partner isn't very outdoorsy and is never going to feel at ease snowboarding a black run or abseiling or swimming in big surf so she needs support and encouragement. We do that together just like we do dinner party conversation together, I'm crap at one of these things and she is at the other. I know it's a bit oversimplified but I like to look at it like that instead of thinking I'm the disabled one.

I'm sure there's good stuff about being ASD, isn't there? All that focus and determination on what you want to do. It's probably why those with ASD often end up being very successful artists and scientists. I'm NT and I spend my whole life spinning plates full of things I'm not very interested in, while simultaneously doing the small talk thing.

If I only did the things that I was interested in my life would be a lot easier unfortunately with 2 young children that is not possible. What makes you think that people with ASD's do not also spend their lives spinning plates full of things their not interested in I know I certainly have to.

I'm interested to know how people with AS who have posted here have dealt with dating situations, as most of the posters seem to have partners. With all the need of people getting to the point very quickly, being direct, etc. - how the hell do they manage to go through the first stages of dating, where even a non-AS is anxiety-ridden? Is it just luck that you got approached by (immediately) understanding and patient men/women? How did you read the signals that they were interested? Or - theoretically possible - do AS people approach a person they find attractive quite easily, because it's logical, i.e. like someone = be direct about it?