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Original poster

Need tips for dealing with a DH with no social skills

91 replies

SenseofEntitlement · 03/01/2012 02:21

Before I start, I'm leaving out details, can we just focus on the question please, he really isn't just this problem.

Ok, DH is, well, there is no quicker way to explain, a bit aspergersy. Very very clever (people queue up to ask him facts, he can argue the part of anyone in a debate) but with very few social skills - he admits that people are 'a mystery, why they act so strangly and illogically'

He keeps saying things that are blatently insenstive. Eg, me and childless (but very broody) sister talking about my severe mental illness and hospitalisation - first proper talk about it. 'Well, I should be careful. If they get hold of me they will lock me up. If fact I often think that if I dosn't have kids I would just stab someone and get locked up and then I wouldn't have to meet people and be nice. You wouldb't know, you don't have children.'
He was obviously making a very awkward joke to lighten the mood, but not an appropiate one.
This is quite a common event (not usually talking about violence, but just being completely unaware of what other people might think or feel)
Is there anything I can do? He is normally lovely, but comes out with these howlers several times a day and just doesn't seem to notice them.

OP posts:
Dylthan · 03/01/2012 11:30

I have recently been diagnosed with having aspergers and I rely on my dh a lot to help me in social situations. My psychiatrist says I should view my situation as being like an immigrant who is new to the country and then has to learn how the people in the country behave he recommended reading the book "watching the English" by Kate fox I haven't read it yet but I hope it will help.

Bluebell99 · 03/01/2012 11:39

Kladdkaka, I only meant I thought it would be helpful to help him with his social skills so he can fit in. I am finding it hard to help my friend in supporting her son. He is clever and in the end it will probably all turn out alright, but right now he is unhappy socially and his only friend comes from a troubled background and I think he is vulnerable to going off track. He doesn't have any dianogsis btw but lots of trouble at school. But how my friend puts up with her dp, I don't know.

elliejjtiny · 03/01/2012 12:24

My dh has aspergers syndrome. We have an agreement that if he says something inappropriate then I give him a nudge. It makes him stop and think about what he is saying. I don't view it as changing him though, I see it as being similar to ds2's physio exercises.

sparklemidnight · 03/01/2012 12:52

DS goes to a special school for Aspergers with quite an intense programme for social skills. It is something that needs to be taught, not picked up in the instinctive way that you have learnt but in a structured way. It is like learning a language as an adult rather than a native speaker. Adults need the rules and to practice exercises rather than just being immersed in it.

It also needs to be consistently reinforced, like another poster said - DS's school is residential so he is monitored during all social situations and there is always trained staff to support him. You can help your DH in the same way, but he would have to be willing to learn and you'd have to be prepared to do quite a bit of reading up on the subject.

Have you read Tony Attwood's book on AS? It's a good introduction and it helped me understand the reasoning behind the stuff that DS does. Your DH's behaviour seems illogical to you but it probably makes sense to him in some way, you need to work out his process of thinking so you can explain why other behaviours are more socially acceptable. Jessica Kingsley is a publisher which has lots of books on AS including ones aimed at people in relationships.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2012 13:04

I disagree with simply accepting a person's traits that could put them in danger, and not offering to help them to educate themselves to be able to improve their skills in their area of difficulty.

It is not the same as changing a person. At least no more than any education, and we are all lifelong learners, we all have areas where we could improve and want to. Why do we make new year resolutions?

And people with aspergers, and usually autism, are capable of learning and developing just as much as anyone else. I'm crap at swimming. My body is quite the wrong shape to ever win any races or be respected for it, but the basic skills are lifesaving and it would be stupid to just refuse to learn them due to not being built that way even if it takes me a lot longer than others.

It could ultimately save my life, make me a better parent and possibly bring me some enjoyment.

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 13:16

Indeed. Adults with Asperger's need training like errant puppies. Don't forget the positive reinforcement. [rolleyes]

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2012 13:24

I wasn't trained to swim like a puppy. But it did help knowing the benefits it could bring so that I was motivated to work at it.

Dylthan · 03/01/2012 13:25

So if training myself how to act in social situations is not the answer then what should I be doing? Because I am sick of always feeling like an outsider.

I am genuinely asking your advice because I have been given precious little help from anybody else.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2012 13:30

Just because you have trained yourself how to act in a socially acceptable way, doesn't mean you are changed, or that you can't choose to act the way you feel most comfortable but pisses off others.

The point is, you have a choice. And sometimes the choice and ability to ignore what you have learnt will be your strength and have you admired for it.

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 13:48

Dylthan wanting to train yourself is one thing, wanting to train another adult is something else altogether and is insulting and offensive.

(As is using 'a bit aspergersy' to label behaviour ignorantly deemed to be indicative of Asperger syndrome. I've never heard passive and friendly behaviour described as 'aspergersy' or exceptionally polite behaviour either. Both of which are professionally recognised as communication styles in adults with Asperger's. No, 'a bit aspergersy' is reserved unpleasant characteristics in people. Not very nice at all.)

As for training yourself, I've been there. It can be done, but it's hard bloody work and it never gets easier. It's exhausting and you can't keep it up indefinately. People keep saying it's like learning a foreign language, it isn't. You don't learn it, you never learn it, you learn to fake it.

I faked it until I reached my late 30s and then I crashed big time. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. So I don't mix with people who make me feel like an outsider. I've stopped apologising for who I am and embraced it instead.

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 13:56

Starlight having Asperger's is a disability not a choice. It's about wiring in the brain. You cannot learn to have different wiring. I get labelled as arrogant purely because of my innate prosody. It's not a choice.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2012 13:59

Where have I said having a disability is a choice?

I have said that you can chose to use learnt skills or not and that learning skills doesn't change you, just your opportunities.

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 14:04

Where have I said having a disability is a choice?

Where you are stating that one can choose how to behave in social situations in a thread about Asperger's.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2012 14:13

Are you seriously saying that people with aspergers have no responsibility for their own behaviour?

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 14:24

Not where it's a direct result of disability, no.

Are you seriously saying that it's my responsiblity that other people are ignorant of autism and judge me accordingly?

Dylthan · 03/01/2012 14:26

Thank you.

I am so tired by the sheer effort of trying to fit in, I thought that when I got my diagnoses there would be help available at the very least a support group but there is nothing. Instead I have been told of two books I should read and "see you in three months to see how you are getting on".

I did ask if there was anything I could do to change the way I am and he said no it is just the way my brain works. I suppose I now have to learn how to comfortable with who I am instead of trying to mould myself into someone I will never be.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 03/01/2012 14:35

Perhaps Amberlight will spot this thread. She is an adult on the autistic spectrum with a different viewpoint to Kladdkaka. Not saying one is right and the other wrong, it's just good to hear differing views as it helps you to decide what is appropriate for your own situation. Amberlight has said in the past that for her, she has learnt how to respond in a more socially acceptable way as she has become an adult, and that while some things may not be entirely natural, she can rationalise why some responses may be more appropriate than others.

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 14:38

There's a really good forum for people with autism, where being yourself and fitting in is easy. (Threads that would make NT ears bleed, such as the counting in multiples of pi thread :o) I don't know if I'm allowed to link another forum to this one. I'll message you with the details.

quirrelquarrel · 03/01/2012 14:38

I have AS and absolutely no problem with people saying they're "aspergersy". I don't even know why anyone would have a problem with it.
Surely an Aspie, before their diagnosis (by an NT!), would be allowed to call themselves "aspergersy"??

The things people choose to act all self-righteous about!

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2012 14:40

I'm saying that if you have the cognitive ability to learn society's rules then you have the responsibility to do so.

Presumably you have learnt that it is not okay to hit people? Would you have known this anyway or did you learn this? And if so, how did you learn it?

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 14:44

she can rationalise why some responses may be more appropriate than others

I can rationalise why some responses may be more appropriate than others too. That doesn't mean I can do it. I know that if someone asks if I like their new hairdo I'm supposed to say that's it's lovely or some other positive comment even if I think it's hideous. But I can't, anymore than I can walk without my frame.

Kladdkaka · 03/01/2012 14:45

quirrel but they are only using it to label people who they think are rude. That's the problem with it.

BandOMothers · 03/01/2012 14:46

He has to help himself. I am also a bit Aspergery and have real problems relating...I just can't work out how some women seem to have multiple friends and cope in social situations...I try....he'll have to do it himself.

nerfgunsftw · 03/01/2012 14:48

Book warning. I found 'watching the English' dire. One woman's list of twee stories from her friends extrapolated to a nation.

BandOMothers · 03/01/2012 14:48

Older people (over 30) say "Aspergery" because they were not diagnosed...no checks when I was at school....and feel funny about labelling themselves without the say so of a doctor.

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