friends with benefits or not

[NewYorkBlizzard]

Basic history- I'm 25 have a nearly 5 month old DS. Baby daddy decided to leave- were doing great without him. So yes I am single but yes I do have a DS but surely having a friend with benefits is allowed and good?? As its nothing serious it won't effect my DS as they will never meet or be aware. I just have a really good friend who wants to be my or his benefit. Basically its just harmless fun. Agreed we would both respect either and would not cause only problem in either new relationship. Just don't want to be a slut. I've known him for ages and wouldn't do it with anyone else.

*any problem. Not only problem

FWB is the ideal solution for single women with appetites that can't always be sated by a rampant rabbit.

It'll put a smile on your face and your ds will have a happy mummy without being adversely affected by having a succession of 'daddies' in his young life.

As long as you can hack it emotionally - i.e don't imagine that occasional sex = grand passion - and observe certain rules such as no jealousy or beating yourself up if a fuck buddy departs for pastures new, civilised FWB arrangements have everything to recommend them to the discerning singleton.

I have a paramour here in London, one elsewhere in the UK and others across the pond and in Europe. I currently have a vacancy for a Dutch or Scandi male Slut, moi? Certainly not.

I live by the maxim of 'if you can't be with the one you want, love the one you're with'. As it happens, I have no intention of tying myself down to the tedium of monogamy and I am, therefore, blissfully free of the self-inflicted melodrama of eating my heart out for the one that I want but can't have.

This doesn't mean I indiscriminately screw everything that moves. Far from it - to my eyes, the majority of the males of the species make celibacy look like a most attractive proposition. My paramours have to possess oodles of social finesse, sophistication, humour, plus that indefinable je ne sais quoi.

Although I can on occasion be laughed into bed, generally speaking I have to fancy the pants off them - but if they stop making me laugh or it gets boring, it's over.

Although to my mind it goes without saying, nevertheless the cardinal rule of FWB is no married or otherwise attached individuals need apply.

OP, have you determined in your own mind exactly why you want this type of relationship with this man, and has he told you why he wants the same with you? If you have, and you are happy with the answers, I think it would be fine to go ahead.
izzywhizzy is it hard working out if potential paramours are attached? I would imagine a lot of married men would love this type of relationship and would lie their pants off to get one. Or can you tell by experience? My worry for OP would be that she would inadvertently end up sharing this man in the future.

It isn't hard at all, dustland.

I'm not talking one night stands that morph into something more longlasting - I did that and got the t-shirt in my teens.

My paramours come into my life usually through introduction by mutual friends and their provenance is established and verified, so to speak.

When I have been approached by an 'unknown', I play it exceedingly coy and there is considerably boxing and coxing during which time it becomes apparent whether they're otherwise engaged.

My other maxim is 'if in doubt, leave it out' - and I'm more than capable of following through on that one too.

However, unless the male in question has sworn undying fidelity to another in which case they're blackballed, 'sharing' a man is not necessarily the issue as they are required to accept that my sexual favours are not their exclusive domain and, as I'm fully prepared to share the males in my life with other likeminded females, this is where the concept of a 'civilised arrangement' comes into play.

This, in turn, doesn't mean multiple menage a trois or quatre or more situations as these these liaisons are somewhat more than purely sexual because the initial 'spark' is in a meeting of minds rather than bodies and, of course, all/any parties are at liberty to withdraw from the arrangement at any time.

I've done this, years ago pre kids and dh. It worked really well, only happened when both were single, he was my best male friend there were never any emotional problems. Bit like scratching an itch, as they say.

If you both have your sure open, are completely honest and expect nothing more, it'll be fine.

eyes not sure!!

Izzy you sound like a female Bond, or Jason King - I love it. Goes without saying op that you need to be careful - both with your body and mind.

Izzy is emotionally fully incontrol of the situation and it sounds well balanced in terms of people being aware of what they can take from the relationship. Because it still is a relationship you enter into.

And then sexually - contraception and protection all the way - particularly if they all have a similar understanding. As if they do you'll be sleeping with more than one person when you go to bed with someone in this arrangement.

Izzy that all sounds very controlled and civilised but tell me , how do you guarantee that:

a) you will never fall for anyone so it becomes more complicated
b) they never fall for you?

I've never know n this FWB to work longer term as someone always ends up getting hurt.

It would never work for me, because if I like a man enough to have sex with them it always means that yes, I fancy the pants off them, but also that my head is involved too. I can't do sex without feeling a close emotional connection- and that would involve jealousy if they had other FWB.

Just saying- and curious.

well my personal experience is that I split up with exp in jan10 and started a fwb arrangement with a friend ive known a few yrs in june. At the beginning it was nice and took my mind off exp etc but its got to the point now that Ive had enough and need more, december has been hard as it was both our bdays and xmas and we havent spent much time together at all, briefly seen each other on our bdays and a few days before xmas and thats it.

Its all well and good but Im now at the point where I want to feel really loved, I want someone who wants to spend time with me regulary without having to ask them, I want someone who'll come on days out with me and my kids and do family stuff(obviously not straight away in a new relationship)

I put a profile on a dating site and have had replies so Im guessing Im not as undesirable as I thought, but It doesnt feel right following anything up whilst sleeping with fwb, kinda feels like cheating.

I think if you dont have any feelings for him other than lust then yes it can work, as long as you both are honest at the beginning about what yourll get out of it and weather or not each of you will be sleeping with other too etc.

hth

What I should of said above, is that it worked in the beginning, but now its making me feel worse- so I think Id rather have nothing than not a lot iyswim.

I've had loads of these and it works out fine. Sometimes things go wrong, but nothing comes with guarantees, and it is also worth remembering that just because an arrangement or relationship doesn't last a long time, doesn't mean it was a bad thing.
Basically what you have to do is be honest with yourself and other people. Don't engage in a FWB situation with someone you actually want a full couple-relationship with, as this unfair to both of you. Equally, don't do it with someone who shows signs of wanting commitment from you if you don't want to give it. It's fine to have lots of different sexual partners (it's perfectly fine to have group sex and threesomes as well if you like) as long as you treat everyone involved with courtesty, kindness and fairness.

Are there 2 sorts of women then?

I cannot imagine havng sex with anyone I didn't care about, and have some feelings for- and hope they would feel likewise.

To have sex with a man and acknowledge that there are inbuilt limitations from the word go, seems very clinical and just not my cup of tea at all.

For me, sex ia about emotion and feeling close, not simply having my bits sorted out.

Ameliagrey: But so fucking what? You conduct your sex life as you see fit, that's fine. But other people might want to do things differently and that's fine for them. Having a love/monogamy fetish does not make you in any way superior to people who prefer casual sex for its own sake, any more than there is an issue of moral superiority about whether or not you take sugar in your tea.

OP, I don't know. It depends if you really fancy him. Sex is messy and complicated (usually) and there are feelings involved, not necessariy of love but of vulnerability and fear and control.

You might uncover stuff you have never felt with this person before, or known about them.

In short it's not something to be taken lightly imo, but everyone is different.

I've someone who regularly turns up and wants to sleep with me but I can't do it with him, not because he isn't attractive physically and emotionally but because I can't respect someone who is attached and lying to his partner, it just kills it for me. And my motivation is to feel loved, not sexually satisfied (well preferably both).

It depends what you want out of it.

I've done the FWB thing and one of mine came to my wedding!

Absolutely cracking up about a monogamy fetish! Thank you for that post as it was a little rude to suggest things are so black and white. I care very much about my former FWB, I just never wanted to be his girlfriend.

Having a love/monogamy fetish does not make you in any way superior to people

LOL- you are so predictable. I didn't think I said I was superior- I said how I felt.

But according to you I now have a fetish.

What's your fetish then?

oh- and your analogy of sugar in tea and having sex without feelings of closeness is laughable.

I ended up marrying mine after 4 years, seemed he liked me a little bit

I loved having my FWB, but emotions do get in the way. I was fine as long as I knew where I stood. It was only when he started behaving oddly (fibbing about dates with other women when there really was no need) that I offered the ultimatum because you need to be VERY clear about where you stand.

Luckily for me it turned out very well indeed

I think you both need to be very emotionally stable/robust for a FWB situation to work, and very honest with yourself about your feelings for that person. Only then can it work.

Oh I think a lot more women should have more casual sex. It stops them getting embroiled with men who are not only useless or abusive generally but rubbish at sex, as well. A mistake a lot of women make (or are pressured into making) is believing that because they have had sex with a man there has to be a relationship when the man, for whatever reason, would be fine as an occasional shag but dreadful as a partner. Also, the more different sexual partners you have, the more you learn about what you like and don't like, and want out of life.

"Also, the more different sexual partners you have, the more you learn about what you like and don't like, and want out of life."

That may be true for some people but it's hugely insulting to people in lifelong and sexually fulfilling relationships who have learned together what they both like, don't like and want out of life and also have the kind of deep connection that can never be attained with casual relationships, which is fine if people dont want it but most people do.

Having multiple sexual relationships doesn't make you morally superior either. For every sorted and happy women like Izzy, there are probably dozens who are emotionally damaged by such daliances, some women and men are cut out for NS sex, some aren't.