friends with benefits or not

[NewYorkBlizzard]

Basic history- I'm 25 have a nearly 5 month old DS. Baby daddy decided to leave- were doing great without him. So yes I am single but yes I do have a DS but surely having a friend with benefits is allowed and good?? As its nothing serious it won't effect my DS as they will never meet or be aware. I just have a really good friend who wants to be my or his benefit. Basically its just harmless fun. Agreed we would both respect either and would not cause only problem in either new relationship. Just don't want to be a slut. I've known him for ages and wouldn't do it with anyone else.

Solid I rarely disagree with you regarding your live and let live attitude. However, having been one of those women in an emotionally abusive relationship I can say that the self esteem issues I had which got me into that situation would not have mixed well with casual sex. It would have been incredibly self destructive.

People with a predisposition to date complete arses generally have self esteem issues. People with self esteem issues should not engage in casual sex as it is likely to be even more damaging.

Successful casual relationships involve both parties not needing an emotional crutch.

That's their own stupid fault though. Staying in an unsatisfying , poor relationship is a choice.

TSC- and for every mutually fulfilling lifelong bond of sexual discovery there's a fuck load of women who've never had an orgasm

I don't quite understand this- are you saying that it is the man's responsibility to ensure the woman has an orgasm?

FWIW, all the evidence shows that for most women, orgasms are an emotional and physical experience- not simply rubbing an itch like men.

And are you also implying that women stay with men who are inept in bed because they have not tried out other models who, even if they are good in bed, may be useless in every other dept?

I don't think there are many women in 2012 who are so ignorant of their own bodies and what works that they would stay with a man who had never heard of a clitoris, or understood what it was for.

Quality sex does not equal quantity of lovers.

If I became single, I doubt I'd want another relationship so I'd be having a similar arrangement to Izzy's or SGB's. I'm one of these fortunate people who doesn't have to link sex and love.

Respecting everyone's adult decisions etc, monogamy is not for everyone etc.

Must just be me then cos if I like a man enough to get into bed with him, then I am in a place emotionally where he is not just a friend any more, and I have feelings for him.

Can't do sex with men who I fancy, but don't really care for or want around longer term. but that's me and I'm married anyway, so it's all theoretical.

Tried to do this twice over the Christmas/New Year period (I know). Lots of alcohol and a broken heart over someone else (I know). Both times I fucked it up. Once I retracted after a snog via text having said I was up for FWB and the second I burst into tears and walked home at record speed. First one wanted more from me, second would have been quite happy with whatever. Ultimately bc I didn't fancy them enough to go out with them, I couldn't sleep with them. I was surprised by this. Really hadn't expected it.

I think it's a brilliant idea but seem to be someone who can't do it. Wish I bloody could.

Maybe suck it and see (sorry!)

Sure, casual sex is not for everyone. But no one should avoid it because they are worried about 'getting a reputation' - anyone who actually thinks that the more sexual partners you have, the worse a person you are is an idiot whos opinion doesn't matter. But people who have only had one sexual partner and been happily together for decades etc etc: You're not special or better than other people. You have been lucky, that's all (in that you happened upon a good partner, with a similar outlook on monogamy and everything else, to yours and you have grown together, even though you met at an age when most people's judgement is not always sound).

Providing you are honest and practice safe consensual sex with other adults, I really don't see what reputations or clinging onto the moral high ground has to do with it. As long as you are doing what makes you happy and it isn't at the detriment of someone else's happiness, then continue on.

For every mutually fulfilling lifelong bond of sexual discovery, there's a trail of neurotic insecure women who have been taught that sex is something you give to a man - and this myth is perpetuated by such nonsense such as reputations, quantity is bad, monogamy is the only way etc (and other such shite). Threads such as "Why doesn't he text me on the hour every hour the day after we've fucked?" just prove my point.

I've been on a voyage of discovery this last year and this thread is very interesting to me as I have two points of relevance. I started out thinking I wanted a relationship after many years of generally satisfactory singledom. I quite like my life the way it is but really missed the sexual closeness out of a relationship - to the point that I became quite obsessive about sex, or the lack of it!

So, this very time last year, I resolved to do something about my situation and what I have had is 14 sexual partners in the last twelve months. I'm not a slapper but I have needed to get myself sexually confident again so I thought, why not? I didn't set out to have so many experiences but this is just how it panned out and I've met some lovely guys, some lovely intimate moments and some damn right kinky ones. Who'd have thought it at my age!

Now on to the FWB bit: I've settled into a routine now and have 3 different men that I see from time to time. Anyway, I can handle 2 of the "relationships" very well on this basis. One is as busy as me and we catch-up probably only every other month. He is lacking his own confidence and is a bit younger than me but he is very sensitive and caring. We have a vanilla arrangement and it's always sensual and we have lovely chats afterwards and both feel a bit better able to get on with our lives with a spring in our step after our meets.

My second is also a little younger, very physically attractive and he has expanded my sexual reportoire into kinkydom. He can also be really romantic and there are not many days we don't have a chat or a text so this also gives me a bit of a feeling of being cared about without any heavy expectations.

The third? I have started something with a lovely bloke I've known since I was a teenager. He is newly separated - we have had contact before but didn't pursue anything as he was still with his wife. Thought I could handle a FWB with him but I don't think I can because I have developed feelings for him. After being married to his wife for so long, I know in my heart of hearts he is not ready for an emotional relationship so I'm going to have to walk away. I am upset at reaching this conclusion as our time together has been lovely and romantic and we truly act like lovers together but I want to give him time to get over his marriage split and maybe there will be a chance for something more in the future. If that time comes, I wonder whether I would be happy to give up my other two......

For now, I still have Mr. Vanilla and Mr. Kinky, both of which work very well for my situation.

My choices may not be for everyone but it suits me, and my two friends. The lesson is though that if you develop feelings, unless they feel the same way, I don't think it can work so just be on your guard.

Hey if there are no feelings i.e emotional attachments going to become a problem why not? A lot of women can do the benefits thing, I can't if you can then go for it, better the devil you know.

I can categorically say that I will never want to be in a relationship with a man again. At the grand old age of 35. I still would like to have sex though and enjoy male company.

But where would I start to look for one of these FWB?

Maybe I will PM Izzy and ask her to hold a seminar.

I have been single for 2.5 years and i am 26, i do not want a relationship but a fwa would be great!need to get 1!i think as long as both people are happy with the arrangement, contraception is used and both people are single then why not?!

*fwb not fwa

MissPricklePants it seems like we both have an opening ...

great advice.

itsxmas .. you sound amazing.

Each to their own, and FWB is not for me- but surely what you are all talking about/suggesting is really nothing more than dating- but without it leading to anything longer term?

Out of interest- those of you who do do FWB- how much do you like the guy befoe you do the deed then? You see, for me, I am not so fussed about simply sex that I'd want to have it with a guy just for the sake of it, if I didn't really like him too.

Interesting to see different peoples views on this and the different sort of relationships you can have with a FWB.
I split up with exH a year ago and went out with someone for 3 months over the summer but it didnt really work, however we still saw each other as friends and now we are FWB. It works well as he is a nightmare to be in a relationship with and is quite a bit older than me but we enjoy each others company and the sex is great:)

I usually shag the guy the night we meet. There is, after all, no good reason not to do so.

solomum :o

..... and I'm with SGB on that, first meet shags for me also. It just gets the awkwardness out of the way! Tell you one other benefit for me? Historically, I had a physical type of young, tall viking type men. Now I've experienced a whole range of others, I find quite a few other types attractive also. It has widened my pulling pot so to speak....

whonew - re: your first post earlier, just do as you say, "suck it and see".....

I am another who personally couldn't imagine having sex with someone without getting to know them and us being in a relationship which had developed over time and was "going somewhere"... I wouldn't have sex until I had sussed out his character and if he was a suitable partner for me.

In short... I can't have sex stuff without emotions getting involved.

However.... I don;t feel in any way superior to anyone who has casual sex. Good on them I say , just not for me. x

Alias: Nothing wrong with that at all, you know what works for you.

Alias, you've summed it up perfectly. Do what you like, and let others do what they like.

Agree with Izzys approach. The different countries/continents thing helps to keep it simple and there are no clashes. It also means I keep my home to myself and DC.

OP go for it, baby or not you are still a woman.