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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So bloody petty but I need help from here please

65 replies

Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 16:02

We are away with other couples and kids, all in same house. 12 of us altogether. DD is a nightmare and has been a Velcro baby all weekend, she is 5 months. Me and DP had a very short war of words earlier as have been so stressed as she has been stuck to me all weekend and sleeping badly, I have had virtually no respite at all. After I snapped at him he told me I was embarrassing myself and I removed myself and went upstairs with DD for a bit.

Now, he came upstairs several times and had a go at me, more words exchanged, culminating in him saying I said something which I KNOW I didn't. It was something similar to what he thought I said, but wasn't the same, which he took as a threat. It wasnt. He said it was the worst thing I ever said to him and I swore on the kids lives I never said it. But he doesn't believe me.

I am distraught. Years together and He thinks I would take the kids lives in vain. This is what upsets me the most, nothing else. Not the lead up to it, or anything.

How can we move on from this. And how do I stop crying and leave this bloody room with DD?

Help. What a shit way to start New Year.

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 01/01/2012 16:06

You are shattered you poor thing. Are you bf'ing? Can youhand the baby to someone to take downstairs while you get a rest.

Don't worry about conversations and who said what for now.you both have your hackles up and nothing will get solved.

Get some peace, rest and perspective...

Scoundrel · 01/01/2012 16:06

Did anyone else there hear what you said and what your dh thought you'd said who could mediate in a conversation between the two of you?

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 16:08

No, sadly no one heard. But I am not sure I would want to involve anyone and spread this unpleasantness round anyway.

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/01/2012 16:08

What did you actually say, and what does he think you said?

Is this against a background of arguments and generally not getting on? How much of it (the arguing generally) is about how you actually feel and how much is the exhaustion/strained circumstances?

Re leaving the room - the other couples are aware of the spat, I take it? Don't feel too awkward about that - they'll know what it's like; they'll have been there. You'll have to just brazen it out.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 16:13

I told him I was annoyed because in a moment of stress he said to me in front of others "you're embarrassing yourself". I said that that was unsupportive and I said twice "it's not what I need". He thought I said "it's not what you need" as if I was threatening him with a break-up, the kids, whatever I dont know.

I stood in front of him in tears saying that that's not what I said but he's not having it.

Am I reading too much into this thinking he cannot trust me one iota if he thinks I would take the kids lives in vain.

Generally we have a good relationship I think - ups and downs like the rest I guess - but the Velcro DD has made life difficult. I don't complain about this, my choice to have kids etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 16:41

Going to ask for this to be posted to AIBU for a few more responses

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 01/01/2012 16:41

i think telling you you were embarrassing yourself in front of others is the worst part of that exchange and i would be livid and humiliated - i would defo threaten to leave if DP said that to me.

I don't think what you said is bad at all. I think you should stop crying and apologising and tell him he's an arse.

try and rest, it will seem better to both of you with some rest and perspective :)

Pocksrule · 01/01/2012 16:46

You need to stop apologising and your dh needs to start. Why in gods name can he not take velcro baby and give you a break. Having kids is something you have done as a couple and not alone. I would have gone ape if my dh said I was embarassing myself. He is being an absolute dick

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 01/01/2012 16:48

Stay strong, he's as much to blame as you are here. Tell him you're going for a walk and he needs to deal with his daughter - it was his choice to have kids too!

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 17:19

Righto, my thread is staying put for the moment.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 01/01/2012 17:23

You poor, poor woman. I remember this shitty time well. Stop trying to convince him and do what Purple say - go for a walk and clear your head

OriginalJamie · 01/01/2012 17:24

I would also go ape if my DH said I was embarrassing myself

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 17:29

I am a bit trapped here. Still sitting in the room, he has taken DD for a feed. Love to go out but we borrowed a massive car I am unfamiliar with and I am concerned if i Go for a walk and leave him with the kids they will all just think I am a heartless bitch. I didn't even go down for dinner. Too Blush to show my face but then again I am upstairs sitting in a room like a sulky teenager.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 01/01/2012 17:34

Don't worry about what the others are thinking. They are probably not sure what to do for the best but I highly doubt anyone is judging you. Why would anyone think you are a heartless bitch for leaving your DC with their dad? You sound worn out and this can make you paranoid. If you want to go out (and I think it's probably better than sitting on your own thinking) - go down and breezily say you are going out for a bit of fresh air.

Spuddybean · 01/01/2012 17:41

yep, what original said - just trot down the stairs and say, 'hi guys, i'm just popping out for some fresh air'. Then come back 10 mins later and just rejoin the group/get some dinner as normal.

They probably just thought you have been snoozing upstairs.

I would however, at an appropriate time, tell DP that if he ever told me i was embarrassing myself in front of people again there would be serious repercussions. I do actually think that's one of the most patronising, humiliating and undermining statements anyone can make, and it would make me stone cold with fury.

thunderboltsandlightning · 01/01/2012 17:51

Why are you the one who's embarassed when he's behaving like a dick?

ClaraSage · 01/01/2012 18:18

Why does he think you embarrassed yourself?

TadlowDogIncident · 01/01/2012 18:45

So you're shattered and desperate for a break, and his way of supporting you is to say that you're embarrassing yourself? He sounds delightful.

Are you going home soon? If so, in your shoes I'd leave discussing it till then (just ignore him, don't engage if he starts having another go at you) rather than trying to get things straight between you in a house full of people. Then try to have a sensible conversation about (a) why he thought it was helpful to tell you you were "embarrassing yourself" and (b) why he then went off on one because he thought you'd said something and wouldn't believe you hadn't said it.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 08:23

update

It all went belly up.

I went for a walk came back but the arguing carried on resulting in him calling me a liar, telling me he didn't trust me and comparing me to one of the people he deals with on a day to day basis (he arrests people).

This is a deal breaker for me. Not sure I can be with someone who has such a low opinion of me. I feel shattered with it all

At his insistence we came home last night. He hinted at going to his dads for the night (his family live close by mine an hour away). Knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in same bed as him and no spare room so I went to a hotel 5 mins up the road. Came back at 7am before kids woke and now sorting them out.

No idea what today holds for me. I don't want to be under same roof as him at the moment. I think I need to grow a pair.

Any further advice appreciated from MNetters as I don't feel I can talk to my family about this.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 02/01/2012 08:36

So sorry it has come to this confrontation.
This seems to have grown out of all proportion. It strikes me that these big statements about trust etc are reflecting him throwing a lot of anger your way. Is this about some deeper unhappiness of his or could he be hiding some guilt?

BalloonSlayer · 02/01/2012 08:39

Sad for you.

Reading this it seems like he is clutching at straws to try to attack you.

Lets just suppose for the moment that you did say: "it's not what you need" instead of "it's not what I need." Well so Fucking What? It doesn't make sense.

He is clearly trying to pick a fight. And this is the best he can do, which means that you must be pretty irreproachable.

What would I do at this point. Hmm, dunno. Maybe say: "Look I have said time and time again I didn't say that. Even if I did say that, it doesn't make semantic sense, and you have just invented a meaning so that you can get angry with me. You are being ridiculous and insulting and it sounds like you are trying to invent grounds to leave me. Are you?"

I would also actually be wondering if he was inventing grounds to leave you. Sorry to bring this up.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 08:45

balloon I think you are right I asked him last night if he had met someone he point blank denied it.

I am wondering if he wants to go but won't be the one to take the step so he can go back and tell his family devoted family that it was me not him.

Then I look like the bad guy.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 02/01/2012 08:45

oh dear, not a good start to the year for you.

I think you need to work out what you want. It also sounds like he is picking a fight over nothing. What you said and what he thinks you said is a big old red herring here I reckon.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/01/2012 08:47

Actually, that's the kind of thing XH would do quite a lot - mishear (deliberately?) and/or misinterpret something I'd said and make an absolute massive deal about it. As far as I know he never had an affair and he certainly didn't seem very happy when I left him. I think it was a control thing. It put me on the defensive, and since I have a poor memory and a rather bad habit of opening my mouth tactlessly I tended in the early years to believe he had a point. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking "Oh god..." about something really silly I said to someone 20 or more years ago. I'm sensitive about that stuff. And he knew it, the bugger. I'd be so busy arguing that honestly I hadn't said, or meant, that hurtful thing that I wouldn't even notice he'd got out of something he hadn't wanted to do...

Suspect something of the sort may be going on here, but who knows.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 02/01/2012 08:49

Bloody hell, you poor love!

Now, I'm probably unnecessarily adding things into the mix, but like Balloonslayer, it sounds to me like he's actually trying to make a situation out of pretty much nothing, possibly because he wants you to break up with him (so he doesn't have to do it)

I have been on the back end of behaviour like that before - the man in question was actually involved with someone else behind my back and was creating situations out of nothing, accusing me of shouting and lying and being cruel to him, purely because he didn't want to have to break up with me. Eventually (embarrassingly for me) I caught on and did ditch him but I wasted a few months wondering what the hell was going on!

For your own safety/security, make sure that you stay in the house from now on. If he doesn't want to be there with you, then he should be the one to leave, not you. If you don't want him there, ask him to go to his Dad's for a couple of nights. Then check with his Dad whether or not he's actually gone there. But you must stay in the house.

So sorry you're having this shit time just now and I really hope it's not as bad as it could be - but it does seem very odd that he's refusing to back down over something so minor.