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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So bloody petty but I need help from here please

65 replies

Arachnophobic · 01/01/2012 16:02

We are away with other couples and kids, all in same house. 12 of us altogether. DD is a nightmare and has been a Velcro baby all weekend, she is 5 months. Me and DP had a very short war of words earlier as have been so stressed as she has been stuck to me all weekend and sleeping badly, I have had virtually no respite at all. After I snapped at him he told me I was embarrassing myself and I removed myself and went upstairs with DD for a bit.

Now, he came upstairs several times and had a go at me, more words exchanged, culminating in him saying I said something which I KNOW I didn't. It was something similar to what he thought I said, but wasn't the same, which he took as a threat. It wasnt. He said it was the worst thing I ever said to him and I swore on the kids lives I never said it. But he doesn't believe me.

I am distraught. Years together and He thinks I would take the kids lives in vain. This is what upsets me the most, nothing else. Not the lead up to it, or anything.

How can we move on from this. And how do I stop crying and leave this bloody room with DD?

Help. What a shit way to start New Year.

OP posts:
imaginethat · 02/01/2012 08:50

Goodness what a major fallout over something seemingly so small. But this is the sort of thing that breaks up marriages, the niggling, the bickering, the misunderstandings, the exhaustion, the resentment growing...

What strikes me here is that you sound really tired and upset, and I know that when I'm like that it's not a good time to make decisions.

You need someone to help you with the dc so you can get some sleep before you & dh start sensible conversations. All this back and forth while you're both upset is going nowhere good. You say you don't want to talk to your family - is there a friend who can help out?

Haribolicious · 02/01/2012 08:51

So sorry it all blew up Arachno Sad but I have to agree with OriginalJamie and BalloonSlayer - you sound absolutely shattered from dealing with 'velcro baby' - it's a shame you going for a walk didn't give him chance to calm down and get things in perspective. As your subject line indicates, it sounds like this started out as quite petty so for it to get to this so quickly, I would have suspicions- unless there are underlying issues that we don't know about?

Unfortunately, as BalloonSlayer said, you need to have a conversation along those lines and say either you both agree to draw a line and move on or discuss what 'really' caused his reactions.

Hope you can get this sorted.

OriginalJamie · 02/01/2012 08:52

There is nothing to make you feel so desperate as for someone to mishear or misinterpret something you said. It happened to me recently in the middle of an argument, BUT the person concerned backed down when they saw how upset I was. I am also thinking he is manipulating you.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 08:59

I have found you all really supportive so thanks.

We have had other problems as well. He is unbelievably selfish with money. For 10 years I have never had to ask him for a penny. Then the last month of maternity leave I had to ask him, he knew already this was a skint month for me and he said he didnt have it. Then later we had a row about it and he said I MISHEARD again and actually he had some to give. This was post-row.

Then fe days before we went away my friends mum died Sad and as she has no family now I said I wanted to go. I asked him to look after kids while I go he kicked up saying that he only had two days leave left and wasn't sure if he could get time off. He told me to put the kids in nursery an extra day but they are closed over Xmas and I can't find out.

Sorry venting now but I am wondering that if I ask him to go to his dad for a bit I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 09:00

Sorry, blinking iPad. I mean go to the funeral.

OP posts:
Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 02/01/2012 09:02

honey, you are so far from unreasonable to ask him to go to his Dad's! Just do it. He needs to get the hint that you are not going to put up with this behaviour from him any more.

solidgoldbrass · 02/01/2012 09:05

Look, getting rid of this man could be the best thing to happen. He's a bully and doesnt' like women very much (I note you mention his job; unfortunately it's a job with a high proportion of men who abuse their wives). This man considers you his inferior and himself entitled to punish, train and control you.
Remember that dumping a partner who makes you unhappy doesn't make you 'the bad buy' it makes you someone who is strong and not prepared to accept bad treatment.

imaginethat · 02/01/2012 09:05

No you are definitely not being unreasonable to ask him to go to his dad's for a few days. He is driving you nuts.

Will you get some rest though with no one to help? Or does he not really do much with the kids anyway?

Oh I hope you can go to the funeral. I think you are realising you deserve better.

I'm neither here nor there about the affair thing, I think some men/people are just v argumentative.

fivegomadindorset · 02/01/2012 09:08

Don't leave your DC's overnight again or take them with you.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 09:12

He won't go for the day but said he will go and stay somewhere tonight. I have spoken to him briefly about yesterday but we didn't get anywhere.

Me and DD will go and see some family today. I will check and update later.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 02/01/2012 09:15

You're definitely not being unreasonable to send him to his Dad's for a bit - can you send the children with him, apart from the baby?

I totally agree with those who say it sounds as though he's just looking for excuses to pick a fight. The other possibility that occurred to me is that all this sounds so weird and irrational I wondered if he could be on drugs of some kind.

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 02/01/2012 10:29

I'm so sorry it turned out like this. I suggest you try to be the calm one here. Don't react to his baiting, talk only about the practical. Refuse to enter a discussion until he can behave like a rational adult. Until then, he's setting a bad example to the kids and that's not acceptable. All delivered in a dry monotone.

It'll infuriate him but will hopefully give you a chance to get some emotional perspective when he storms off in a sulk?

BalloonSlayer · 02/01/2012 11:33

I feel awful saying this or even thinking it - what this makes me think is:

  • There is an OW
  • He works with her
  • She is pestering him to leave you
  • He has said he can't leave you before Christmas
  • But he has promised he will have done it before they are back at work
  • He has left it to the last minute and picked a fight at NY
  • He has nothing to berate you for so has had to make something up out of thin air
  • He has tried to claim that you were threatening him with a break up, when even if you DID say "it's not what you need" this does not translate as a threat to break up in anyone's language
  • He wants to break up and he wants to pretend it was your idea

I truly hope I am wrong and that he returns, admits to being an arse and you get back on track.

pictish · 02/01/2012 11:44

God he sounds a petty, bullying, self absorbed, making-a-mountain-out-of-a-molehill ARSE! And on your wee holiday too - with other people there!
No wonder you are so upset.

Spuddybean · 02/01/2012 11:45

oh dear i so sorry OP. What a mountain out of a molehill. I'm with the others i think this smells really fishy. Why start a 'dealbreaker' argument out of nothing. And i'm also with the poster who said what you said doesn't even make sense in his twisted context.

And why may i ask are you worse than the people he arrests? what exactly have you done?

Either he is very tired and frustrated and cannot cope or he has another reason to cause this row - it does seem odd this has happened just after xmas.

I hope you feel a bit better today.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 11:58

Thanks all. I am still here. He came back to me and agreed to go out until 4pm when he says he is coming back to help with dinner, kids etc. I think he will go to his dads tonight but he hasn't called him yet to explain. We spoke again this morning and he still won't budge on the he said/she said thing yesterday then want on to tell me he loves me, admires me, until I cut him off and said I didn't want to hear it. Denies an affair. I will never know on that one. He would have to be found out I am sure he would never tell me. Having said that an affair in his eyes would be a hard thing to do as he could never face leaving the kids. He is usually a great dad. Sorry, rambling now. Feel angry and unable to find any perspective on this. He also started saying he would sort things so I could go to the funeral, till I told him too little, too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 11:59

spuddy he means lie like those he arrests.

OP posts:
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 02/01/2012 12:49

Can you get out for an hour or two when he arrives at 4? Fresh air and fewer demands on you might help you regain your self control and you won't have to talk to him. Might give him some idea of what you put up with when he's not there, too?

Haribolicious · 02/01/2012 16:09

I agree with purplepidj....you need to get some head space to think things through. If there's any chance of you getting some time to yourself then take it....this seems to have come from nowhere and to expect you to deal with it when you're shattered is a big ask.
I hope he's just being an arse too but if not then there's a lot to take in and think about. I guess even if he's just being an arse....his behaviour was OTT and needs addressing.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 17:28

He came back at 4pm and I disappeared into my room for a while. We did speak a bit this morning but have reached a stalemate. I can't see anything being resolved at the moment. He is leaving after the kids to to bed and staying elsewhere. We are both stubborn, I can admit that.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 02/01/2012 17:46

Perhaps he just needs to put this in perspective. He may be able to see he has blown this out of of all proportion with some distance. It does sound quite surreal you must be feeling very confused. I would be wondering WTF was going on.

Haribolicious · 02/01/2012 20:38

How are you doing Arachno? Do you think he'll be more rational after some time away to calm down? DH and I have had times where petty things have blown up but I know we both need time to calm down then we can talk more rationally....if I even attempt to talk when he's still angry, we get nowhere. Hope you can get some rest tonight....maybe after some time apart you can both get some perspective on what happened and resolve things....this could mean longer than him being away for one night. In the meantime, do you have anyone to look after the DCs for a couple of hours, just to let you have some headspace? You must be feeling so many emotions right now.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 02/01/2012 21:34

Thanks Haribo. Yes I think we are both still angry. It's not really time apart we are having though that's the problem, he came back for a few hours to put kids to bed and I went in my room for a bit but it just causes anger to re-surface. He has gone to his dads now. He said to me earlier about us talking after kids went to bed but I genuinely felt it was too raw to result in anything productive.

Tomorrows another day I guess.

OP posts:
Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 02/01/2012 21:52

Arachno, how do you get on with his Dad? Is there any mileage in asking his Dad how he is when he's there?
He seems to be quite ok with the whole sleeping elsewhere thing - is he?
Has he made any conciliatory moves at all or is he just looking to browbeat you into submission again?

Lizzabadger · 02/01/2012 21:59

Is he actually sleeping at his dad's?

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