So bloody petty but I need help from here please

[Arachnophobic]

We are away with other couples and kids, all in same house. 12 of us altogether. DD is a nightmare and has been a Velcro baby all weekend, she is 5 months. Me and DP had a very short war of words earlier as have been so stressed as she has been stuck to me all weekend and sleeping badly, I have had virtually no respite at all. After I snapped at him he told me I was embarrassing myself and I removed myself and went upstairs with DD for a bit.

Now, he came upstairs several times and had a go at me, more words exchanged, culminating in him saying I said something which I KNOW I didn't. It was something similar to what he thought I said, but wasn't the same, which he took as a threat. It wasnt. He said it was the worst thing I ever said to him and I swore on the kids lives I never said it. But he doesn't believe me.

I am distraught. Years together and He thinks I would take the kids lives in vain. This is what upsets me the most, nothing else. Not the lead up to it, or anything.

How can we move on from this. And how do I stop crying and leave this bloody room with DD?

Help. What a shit way to start New Year.

I have no proof but have no reason to think he is elsewhere. I get on very well with his dad and could ask.

I don't guess he is happy to stay at his dads he has never wanted to go in the past but this is the worst it's ever got.

All he said tonight was did I want to talk and I didn't want to. He also offered to sleep on sofa so he could attend to DD in the night bit I refused as I just don't want him around tonight.

I'd find a pretext on which to ring him at his dad's - where did you put such and such - then if asked he wasn't answering his phone/phone switched off.

From what I can make out, he has:

Been really nasty
Made it worse
Started to try to patch things up
Is agreeing to your requests to go away for the night

So it sounds as though he is wanting to reconcile. But you are still feeling too upset to listen.

Does that sound remotely accurate?

I'm inclined to think that it is worth making the effort to talk things through as rationally as possible given that you have history and children together, but I know I know it can be really hard.

What about him going for a week and just popping back to do childcare at times? If you had some time out and a kind friend for support, you might be able to cope with a discussion.

You are bang on, imagine. I know I need to tLk to him but I am not capable of anything rational at the moment. We did have a chat last night on the phone which helped resolve the problem at the weekend. However there are background issues. Last year was stressful. He started a new job, shortly after DD arrived, we moved 2 months later. I don't like the hours of the new job as he is out of the house 13 hours a day. But there is restructuring going on at the moment and it could be worse. Plus he enjoys what he does. DD has been lovely but Velcro at the same time. I don't get a moments sleep. We also have DS (aged 3). I don't have family close by and I wouldn't like to ask his family for help, there are some issues there as well. I don't like asking for help per se in all honesty.

In short, he says for months I have treated him badly to the point where he believes I must hate him. I accept I have not been the kindest and at times possibly nasty. I feel he is unbelievably selfish. The funeral is a case in point. Plus he has turned into someone I don't recognise when it comes to money. For years I never asked him for a penny and everything was 50/50, even when I went part-time. He knew the last month of ML was hard-going for me and I told him I would need some financial support. I asked him and then he said he didn't have the money as he had presents to buy and car tax. Low and behold, we then have a row and the money suddenly appears.....

As you can see, there are various resentment issues I need to resolve before taking this any further.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Sorry, said not a moments sleep, meant to say not a moments peace.

Gee that's a lot of change and a v high stress rating. Probably double the annual allowance just in the past 6 months. You poor thing.
You must be exhausted. Tbh you are probably both exhausted, physically and mentally. You more so of course with tiny baby in your arms round the clock. It is tiredness beyond comprehension to most.

And you have resentment issues.

That you have identified your problems is a good starting point. I really think you need some professional help with resolving this. Friends and family can be lovely but they can also stuff things up royally make it harder with their opinions and judgements. It's just more to deal with and right now you need to focus on looking after yourself and dc.

I'm not in the camp of "just leave him". Even if the end result is separation, I believe there is value in attempting to communicate & resolve issues. It will help later on, whatever the outcome and let's face it, you're in each other's lives now at least until your children are 18 so you need to preserve some sort of relationship/respect for each other.

Don't you just wish there was a huge sleep injection available...

Is there any sort of home help service you could access? Or a friend who could hold your baby while you napped? Just wondering if you could start grabbing afternoon naps for a week, try to catch up a bit.

And can you tell dh that you really need time and rest before you can attempt to talk? Will he listen/respect that?

About the money, that's awful. I find that sort of thing really odd, I mean surely you're in it together? No wonder you're upset with him. But can you leave that for today/this week? It just seems to me that you are too fragile to tackle all these big issues, that you need some sleep and kindness and that gradually you can start to address issues. Maybe just one at a time.

Sorry if I come across as really bossy!

Thinking of you x

I've just read your thread all in one go and I'm afraid I think it is most likely that he is having an affair. You say that he started a new job just after DD was born and you moved 2 months later. She is now 5 months old. You say he is working 13 hour days in this new job. He is gaslighting and creating arguments out of nothing and this latest argument started with something trivial and ended in discussions about parting. He is rubbishing you in front of friends and preparing the groundwork with them, for when you split up.

It's my guess that he met someone at his new place of work and is not working 13 hours a day at all.

My best advice to you is to find out all you can before you make any efforts to repair your marriage, because if this is an affair, then what ever you do will be utterly fruitless. Because this isn't about you or your behaviour at all. All his 'grievances' will have been completely manufactured - by him

Plus given that he was dropping hints about 'going to his Dad' last night, conveniently after he had staged a massive falling-out, it is my bet that he either didn't go to his Dad's at all - or only went there for part of last night, having been elsewhere, with someone else for all or part of that time. I think he's played you like a fiddle, knowing what your responses would be every step of the way. One of the things you might need to do now is to behave very differently to the way he would expect. That includes invading his privacy, phoning his dad and any other behaviour that will unsettle and wrong-foot him.

Thanks imagine and Windsor I have read both posts. I am not convinced he is having an affair to be honest, but I won't shut that one off completely. I was aware that when he started the job it was 10 hour shifts he gets the bus each way as it's free and he saves fuel. Which does account for the rest of the time.

imagine thank you I have found your post very constructive and helpful, I think you are right. I need some time and I think I will find a counsellor or similar I am not sure he will come but perhaps I will go myself initially.

I am with you, I am not in the "leave him" brigade without trying everything first. At least if we do separate in the long-term I need to be able to tell my kids one day that we tried everything possible, for their benefit of course but so that I have a clear conscience.

Will keep you all posted.

Aw, all the best. I really feel for you. Have been in a very similar place myself and you are bearing up a lot better than I did.

I didn't let people help until it was a bit late and I was not coping at all.

Going to counselling on your own is a great start to resolving things, you need someone to listen and help you sort out how you want to tackle things. He can always come along later if you both want.

Do be aware that it's only possible to 'try everything possible' if you are fully sighted about everything. I don't think you are, at all.

Has he been working on days he was meant to be off in the past few months, telling you that his leave has been cancelled? Does his remaining annual leave tally with the days you know him to have had off, or has he been working extra days to pay it back? I noticed you said he had very little leave.

After a few days off, does he seem eager to get back to work and is generally more pleasant company on working days, than on days off?

What's he like with his phone?

No concerns with his annual leave, days off etc. His leave hasn't been cancelled or anything.

I don't look at his phone. I haven't noticed him hiding it or anything, will need to keep my wits about me on that one I guess.

He does seem keen to get back to work after a few days off sometimes, but then again so do I.....kids are hard work.

Spoke to him on the phone for an hour last night, don't guess he would be able to do this if he had an OW?

We spoke till about half eleven BTW, he was due to get up at about 4am.

What I'm trying to get at is that he might have taken leave when he was meant to be at work - or a few hours off his card here and there, that you don't know about - so not enough leave to care for his child, together with not wanting to be away from work and someone in particular.

Talking last night wouldn't prove or disprove anything. Like I said, he might not have been at his dad's for the whole evening.

I thought you would say you never look at his phone. That's healthy and it's understandable, but I expect he knows that doesn't he? He can predict your responses to a T.

Incidentally, he might not have to hide a phone that is on 'silent' all the time, or if he has an agreement that no texts are sent or received in family time. I do think you need to do something you'd never have imagined yourself doing and get at that phone, or his bills.