Feel criticised at every turn by PILS after baby. Is this normal? (v.long)

[Snowboarder]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have ben with DH for 10 years, married 2. After lots of health problems on my part where my fertility was put into question, and IVF we finally had a much longed for DS who was born 3 months prematurely.

Up until DS's birth I would have said I had a good relationship with my PILS, although they are not as warm and demonstrative as my own parents (never ask how I am for example). The minute DS was born (their first grandchild) things seemed to change and I have lost count of the times I have been in tears about things they have said to me. A few examples:

• FIL remarked that DS 'definitely knew his gran' but asked me if I thought he knew who I was (I was at the hospital every day for between 10-12 hours as was trying to breastfeed and was desperately worried about our bond being affected - it was the worst thing he could have said to me)
• when DS was very tiny in hospital (around 3lb) I wanted to do as much care for him as the nurses would allow. One showed me how to turn him over one morning and after I'd done his nappy later that day (and PILs had been watching and commenting at everything) I'd got so flustered i'd forgotten to do it. The nurse popped in for something and said to me 'oh, you haven't turned him, do you want me to do it?' FIL said to the nurse 'what's she done wrong now?' I cried after they'd left for about 2 hours.
• They would come and observe me changing DS' nappy and in a really passive agressive way say to DS 'is mummy being cruel to you?'
• nothing is right for them, they constantly remark that DS is too warm or doesn't like being strapped in his pram, or carseat. What am I supposed to do? Take him out in a t-shirt in 3 degree weather, or not bother strapping him in when I take him out in the pram or car?

I really could go on and on and on... I try to gently explain to DH what they're like (they don't seem as bad in front of him) but he won't hear any criticism of them and it turns into a row. It's getting to the point where I feel sick if I know they're visiting or we're going there but I know they love DS so much so I don't try and avoid them at all.

I want them to still be a huge part of our lives and DS's but I just want them to stop with all the passive aggressive comments and hints at my parenting ability. How can I get them to do this without causing WW3 or upsetting my DH?

Feeling very sad and rubbish.

I should say that a lot of things I have mentioned happened when DS was in special care for 2 months (although there are lots of things they still do now he's home). I think that's the hardest bit though, that they made the worst time of my life (watching DS struggling for his life) even worse than it needed to be.

Poor poor you. With any luck it is not deliberate, just tactless. Cry in front of them if you can and yOu think it would help. Also try v hard to explain to dh how you feel- it doesn't have to be logical. Take comfort from the fact that it is very common, and hopefully will pass.

Awww OP big hugs to you - you sound as though you are up to high hoolie with your emotions.

Can I be so bold as to suggest that perhaps you are uber sensitive and hormonal atm?

You come accross as being quite oversensitive atm. The things you describe sound like the sort of things that people say to be silly.

Are you sure they are intending to be quite as critical as you think?

Congrats on the birth of your son btw xxx

You are not rubbish. You are doing great.
Shitty comments like theirs are however really hard to stomach without crying or feeling sad. My way to handle it was very much the stern "your comments are unhelpful right now, i would like you to stop" and "my DC, my way".
The worst it got to was me packing my DD and walking out with no further word.
Hold on tight. Your DC knows that YOU know best.

oh I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Have you considered challenging them? A polite-and-effective way is often "That remark was thoughtless and/or hurtful to me, was that what you intended?" or something like that. You could also try a bit of passive aggression back at them: 'That was an unkind thing to say. (to baby) "do you have a mean grandad, then?" '

It might not be right for you, but you sound like you're feeling helpless in the face of their comments, and frankly, you shouldn't be made to feel crap when you're doing all the hard work of being a new mum! Specially to a preemie! Bugger their cruelness, call them out on it (politely) - just by noticing it. "What a rude thing to say!" in a sort of incredulous voice often works, like you can't believe they'd be so silly. And also: well done you looking after your lovely son. it's time they started respecting YOU. You're the mother, it's YOUR lovely baby, and YOU are in charge!

In the kindest and most gentle way possible, I think it's likely that you're hearing criticism where there is none. You feel shocked and vulnerable at having had a premature and v much wanted baby and all new mothers worry if they're good enough. Their comments are just awakening these fears afresh in you. But if you had a good relationship before then I think it's likely you're taking their comments literally when the offence isn't actually meant.

Something like "oh isn't mummy cruel to you" is something I say to my own 4 month old baby. And you'll find that a lot of people in the generation above and beyond will fuss over your baby's temperature, mood, clothing etc. It's normal and so much easier to let it go.

If it really is upsetting you then I'd perhaps think about gently saying something about how hurtful you find it. But then you risk doing what I would do ie bursting into tears and creating 'a situation'.

I struggled with dd. I heard every 'oh mummy's mean making you have a clean nappy' or 'silly mummy, not noticing your sock falling off' as a barbed and nasty comment. But I was frightened, lonely and traumatised. With ds, I hear gently commentary that is tongue in cheek. What helped was being direct. I asked for help. When they were muttering about socks I'd say 'could you just sort dd out for me while I do xyz' and then I was responding to things and diverting the comments into action.

Congratulations on your much wanted baby. Loving, involved granparents are a wonderful thing as you will eventually find. Your mother bear, primitive, protective responses are part instinct, part hormone and normal. But I do think your ILs mean well. Try and tell yourself this.

OK, YOU know you are doing an OK job (Better than OK actually, but you are not feeling it)

So therefore, tell them that YOU are the mother that YOU are doing it all fine and they don't need to comment. Stand up for yourself!

LET WW3 break out! So what if it does? YOU are not the one that needs pulling up on behaviour here. Your DH needs to see how his parents are undermining your confidence and it has to stop.

Just use replies such as 'What nonsense!' and 'Did you mean that to come out as rudely/patronising as it did?'

How about the ever popular PA 'Mother knows best' Or 'If you can't say something nice, don't bother saying anything at all'

Being a mum is hard work, not just the actual stuff you need to do with the child, but the transition needed from wife to matriarch of your family.

You DO need to find your voice and you need to explain to DH that if he is not prepared to defend you, then he can join the ranks of the Every Other Weekend Dads.

You need to be that committed to the cause of establishing your position of head of your matriarchal household.

I really feel for you. If they are not normally unpleasant people, I'd hazard a guess that they felt desperately helpless while your son was in special care. They must have known you had waited a long time for this baby, and I expect they were looking forward so much to being grandparents and then suddenly this very tiny sick baby arrived and they weren't sure what to say. Also when a baby is in special care like that, there are a lot of limits on how much the baby can be handled etc. At least you could spend most of the day with him, but for the gps it must have felt very strange. I am not making excuses just saying I expect they really did not know how to react in very stressful circumstances. Now your baby is out of hospital, focus on talking to your dh and explaining how you feel. Also be confident that you are a competent parent in terms of knowing when your baby is warm/cold/ hungry etc . Try not to take it all as a personal slight. I bet they love their grandson to bits.

It actually makes me feel better to think I could just be being oversensitive Pictish - there's no doubt that the birth of my son and after has been the hardest, most challenging time of my life - so I can well believe I might have taken some things to heart that weren't meant that way.

I hope that's the case, rather that than they hate me

No advice to offer, sadly, but I can certainly empathise as my Mil is very similar.( Fil probably says all sorts of things behind my back but atleast manages to keep his own counsel to my face, so no real issues there). My relationship with Mil was fine until dc1 arrived and has steadily deteriorated ever since. She is constantly seeking out opportunities to assert herself as alpha-maternal figure, subtly undermining me, spoiling the dc etc. As she is very good with the children, I tend to just leave her to it, except when it relates to an issue I feel particularly strongly about, which invariably results in a theatrical display of huffing from Mil. Hey ho. I've also learnt to vent to friends about the petty things & now only discuss the more serious grievances with dh. I see Mil as little as possible, choose my battles and bite my Tongue, taking some small satisfaction from being the bigger person. Not ideal, but I've yet to find a better way.

They sound horrible - attacking you at your most vunerable.
I had (my) family do that to me when I had my eldest. It wasn't till I had dc2 whilst no contact that I realised how draining and demoralising it was and how much easier the whole parenting thing was without them around. Their behaviour contributed heavily to the deep pit of depression I fell into (though not till dc1 was over 1yo). It didn't stop as he got older.

The thing is that its not about you and your abilities - if you were the most perfect parent on this earth, they would still do this because it makes them feel better and more superior. And you can never be a perfect parent as we are human and parenting is subjective so they will always be able to find something to criticise. That doesn't make you a bad parent.

There are only 2 options in being able to deal with this.

1. have no contact with them
2. learn how not to care/not to see it as a reflection of your parenting abilities.

Whenever they say something think about this: What kind of people attack someone at their most vunerable to make themselves feel superior and reassured about their position in the family and would you really rely on parenting advice from that kind of person? And how is it exactly going to benefit their grandchild - trying to hurt their mother? See how self-centred and self-serving this kind of behaviour is here. The grandchild is an excuse not a reason as the baby doesn't gain (only loses) through this kind of behaviour. See it as a reflection on them, not you.

Your dh sounds like a coward - someone who'd prefer to sweep your wellbeing under the carpet than stand up to them. What you choose to do about that is up to you.

Don't dismiss this as oversensitivity on your part - you do have the right to feel hurt over this.

They were totally out of order with the 'cruel' comment.

Hi Snowboarder,

How awful for you, I hope your son is getting stronger. I think your PIL made a very tough time in your life even harder with their constant sniping and commenting. How did you not stop them from visiting in the hospital? I have an 8 month old son who has health problems and I also feel that my PIL are very passive aggressive when it comes to dealing with my parenting. It's like they can sense when I am not feeling strong and pick that moment to make a snarky comment. It really used to get me down, to the point where I would become like you and get very stressed at the thought of them visiting. I feel much more confident now and have asserted myself when they have tried to knock me down but it took months.

Look at all of the stress you have been through in the last year, it is no wonder you are feeling a bit down. And I think you should have a word with your partner, I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my DP after his Mum organised "family photo's " to be taken with his side of the family and the baby and not me. I didn't go ballistic, I was just honest and cried a bit, but I rehearsed what I was going to say with him before I tried to talk to him so I could stop it descending in to an argument. You and your son are your husbands family now and if he can't stand up for you then he needs to reassess your priorities.

How would your PIL react if you stood up to them? Do you think you could do it? One of my favourites is a Mumsnet staple "Did you mean to be rude?" when I get criticised.

Oh OP I am SURE they certainly don't hate you - in fact, I think quite the opposite is true.

You may not have come across this before, but people DO say silly things like you describe, in a new baby situation...my own mum used to do it too.

"You tell your mummy that you need another blanket...yes, you tell her...you tell her" she would coo to my baby.

It's annoying as fuck and can make you feel like they are highlighting what they see as your failing as a mother....BUT honestly, it is seldom intended that way at all...it's just something to say.

I genuinely thinl your in-laws would be mortified to think that their nonsense comments are making you feel critisised and unhappy. I really do. xxxx

I think sometimes people say things just for something to say and not being mean (although I understand how you feel, you have been through a tough time)

My mum was a friggin pain in the arse when DS1 was born.
We were in the middle of doing our then house up and had no internal doors and she kept on going on about 'how is the poor child going to survive?' ffs!!!
Even now 15 years later her opinions are still being aired on a regular basis.
Only when it comes to much I flare up otherwise I go ' right', 'yeah ok' 'see what you mean' and carry on and take no notice unless I think the moan is valid.

Yes, I agree and understand that DS being in special care was also horrible for them, they felt utterly helpless and every time his monitors went off you could see the panic and fear on their faces. I could recognise it because I felt the same.

I know they love DS more than anything (they are brilliant, loving grandparents) - I just find their reactions and attitude towards me so hurtful. BUT I am totally prepared to accept that I am being oversensitive and that the past few months (SCBU specifically) has probably affected me more than I let on.

I just want to make things right and have a happy family with PILs. If I could respond to their comments in a jokey laid-back way that would be ideal - but I just hear a barb and heavy criticism in everything they say.

Thanks so much to all who have responded.

I think the line 'do you mean to be rude' can come across as being rude actually and unless I thought someone was really being nasty and having a dig I wouldn't use it tbh.

Why upset people when there are more gentle ways of saying you are upset. If they are cooing to the baby and saying things for something to say why would you want them to feel mortified.

You sound like someone who has been through the mill.

I totally understand where you are coming from...trust me...I remember feeling murderous at my mum for similar comments, and feeling so rubbished by her....but I was taking the comments well out of context because I was overwraught and anxious.

You have been through so much recently, you are undoubtedly feeling protective, defensive and let's face it - exhausted too.

Truly, rather than have it make you feel worse, it might be worth telling them how you feel. I bet they fall over themselves to reassure you that they think you are a wonderful mum and they didn't mean anything by it. Bet you a tenner. xxxx

They sound about as tactful as my mil. My ds was also born at 26 weeks and when I was 2 weeks postpartum, with ds in intensive care and toddler dd to care for, expressing 8 times a day and spending long days in NICU, my mil told me that I should make sure my dh didn't get too tired! And when I protested said 'well he has to go to work, all you do is sit by the incubator all day'. When I brought it up again recently she denied ever saying such a thing! I take the point that it's a sensitive and stressful time, but I don't think you're being oversensitive - more that in times of stress, tactless people get even more tactless than usual. No solution - my mil still drives me up the wall - but many sympathies from someone who's been there!

Very little to add. Probably a mixture of you feeling vulnerable and them really not knowing what to say. I suspect whatever they said it would have sounded wrong to you. Listen to me! If only I could take my own advice! I had to deal with a lot of the same, and it really has coloured the relationship between me and my PIL. It had got to the stage where really they could say nothing without pissing me off. Fortunately I know that they either don't mean what they say, or if they do they are wrong. Though I will mentally argue that something is black, when they say its white. When they are really offensive I pick them up on it. It's useful to have some stock responses, bearing in mind that the same themes recurr. "Gosh, do you really think I'm that incompetent?" etc

They sound really tactless.

I was very sensitive after having my first baby (not suggesting you're being over-sensitive but it is a sensitive time!). He was born 4 weeks early and was jaundiced and had to have lots of heel pricks. Each time my Mum would say, "Oh, I wouldn't have been able to stand it, how can you let them do that to him?". What was the alternative? I think she was just trying to empathise with him but it was very unhelpful to me. When he was older and I was trying to leave him to cry for a little bit as he settled himself to sleep she'd make more remarks about how she couldn't have done that etc. In fact, whenever he cried she'd say, "Cruelty to babies!" to him. However, I've heard her say this to all her grandchildren as babies and I think it's just her way of talking to them but it's very irritating for the parents. She was also very helpful at the same time so I let her comments go.

I got horrible PND with my first baby and the in-laws came to visit when the baby was 4 or 5 months old and MIL said, "Isn't it funny that it's you that does all the feeding and yet it's H who he really loves". I found that much harder to take than my mum's comments, partly because I was in a state where I really thought the baby hated my guts and I thought she'd seen that but also because it was his mum that was saying it, I could take it more from my own mother. I banged a lot of cupboards and ranted to H about it after they'd gone. He agreed that it was a stupid thing for her to say.

If my H hadn't noticed their lack of tact I'd have found it a lot harder to deal with.

Got no useful advice I'm afraid!

If it were me, as others have already suggested, I'd be doing my damnedest to out-passive/aggressive them. Aim remarks at the baby:

"Aww, Grandad is talking rubbish again, isn't he? I think he's forgotten who's in charge here! Yes he has!" etc etc... well, OK, maybe not quite that pointed, but you get the gist...

I think there is a mixture of old person-itis and simple thoughtlessness.

Having a preemie must be very hard on you - and that much harder to brush things off.

A certain amount of rudeness and catastrophising is par for the course with Grandparents. My mum's just been on the phone, not far off accusing me of putting my 7 y.o. Dds life in danger through my systematic carelessness with insisting on hats (apparently lack of hat at all times leads to virus, virus leads to pneumonia, pneumonia leads to death. Rapid painful unexpected death - dontcha know). I'd say in general I have a good relationship with all the families. My MIL thinks I'm the Grinch at Christmas, my DGran told me I was poisoning my child by using disposable nappies. My DDad had to be sternly spoken to about making fun of DSs speech impediment.

What I find helps is hearing their stories of how they raised their babies. They were certainly harder times; babies did regularly die of trivial causes; mothers were isolated and blamed.

Iyswim, my elders aren't being as intrusive and horrible to me as people were with them in their time iyswim.

My mum's birth story is . No one was allowed to come in to the hospital with her (my Dad would sneak round the back and give her food parcels through an open window). She spent days in there alone. The midwives gave her drugs she didn't understand. The consultant shouted at her that "she didn't know how to be a mother" when she was slow to progress delivering me.

You have been through a seriously rough time. What you need is people bolstering you up, supporting you. Even if their comments aren't meant to be mean, they are still hurting you a lot. I am really surprised that your DH is ignoring your feelings. I think that's the main problem, really. My MIL made a few stupid comments when DS was little but it was really helpful that I could mouth off to DH when she was gone and he would agree with me. It at least made me feel validated and helped me to put up with it.

I think it's time to sit down with DH and really let him know how this affects you. Yes, they are his parents but you are his wife and the mother of his child. It is you who needs support and protection, not his parents. He needs to mediate visits between you and them and give them what for if they do hurt you.

I know it's no help but I think an awful lot of mothers have to deal with grandparents like this. Over time you will find it easier to deal with their comments, but in the meantime your DH needs to help and stop being so unsupportive.